Thursday, April 9, 2015
No Child Should Ever Feel Unwanted
I finally received your book after making a mistake of ordering it under my husband’s amazon account. He finally asked me about it and I reordered it under mine. Guess he didn't want to pay for it. Lol! Couldn't wait for it to arrive, so I was bummed when I thought I had ordered it and was on its way when it wasn't really. I read it all except I didn't do the worksheets. I get so busy with my 4 kids and I fear leaving paper around because I have a snoop husband who finds reads and keeps everything that he can use against me. It’s really awful!! I can use my phone notes but then fear that he has access to that to. So here I am at the library writing you.
First, I congratulate you on your book and finally reaching a point of discovery and finding who you are. A place I would love to arrive at soon. I’m 45 and have suffered a huge emotional depressed internal battle most of my life. And really I’m sorry for all you have experienced in your life. But I love how you stood up for yourself when you felt you really needed to. I love your independence in a way, how you got to do all kinds of things etc. I worked retail and was very good at it because I love people and very friendly. But have fortunately and unfortunately been a stay home mom since my oldest son was born almost 20 years ago. And I cannot find a job anywhere. Sucks!!
I wish I can tell you my story in person so much easier. I’m going to make it short. Just really looking to see what your opinion is.
I was rejected and emotionally abandoned by my mother and my siblings learned from her. I was the youngest of four. Our father died when I was four. I was born breech and I overheard my mother talking to friends telling them the story and she made a comment “I hope she’s ok", this was the deadly seed that was planted in my soul that made me the person I am today. What made it worse is how she treated me. She ignored me, doing her cleaning, sewing, cooking, TV watching, etc. She would cook and take care of me but what I needed from her was her acceptance and love and validation that I was normal. I would say to her "why don't you talk to me" in Spanish my mother language. So I felt I was smart, creative, etc. but if my mother said this then something must be wrong with me. I grew up feeling unwanted and defective. They never diagnosed me for anything not even to this day. I think that I might have a language issue where I struggle finding the right words to say. I have learned recently also that maybe since I was under such anxiety that perhaps my brain didn't develop normal. Any way this is my issue. I became a little sexualized. My best friend neighbor and her brother, we would get in the closet and this boy would show us his private. I had a moment with a girl cousin where we explored and kissed. I remember seeing a book that my mother had laying around on pregnancy and not sure what impact it had but it made an impression. Also a lady friend of my mother was rubbing my back and she went around and fondled my breast. I have a hard time remembering when things happened in what order but I was 7 to 9 years old. So I have also read that this can be a problem with kids who are emotionally neglected or abandoned. Have you heard this being true? I need to read the Alice Miller books seriously. So fast forward. At 20 years of age I had graduated high school and really didn't keep in touch with friends. We moved away to another town and met my husband. He was amazing at first meeting. We worked together at a grocery store. He’s the pharmacist and I was bagger than Deli. I thought he’s perfect. He makes good money, he’s Christian and he likes me. Well six months into dating he tells me he has something to tell me. He said he got in trouble for doing something stupid, he exposed himself and he was sex offender. I was like what is that and hey am not perfect either so I ignored this red flag and accepted his marriage proposal. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think my mother or siblings thought I could do better. Immediately after marrying him he changed. He ignored me sound familiar? Well since I was used to that I took the emotional abuse. He’s insane, a lot of narcissistic characteristics, psychopath, controlling, on and on. I tried divorcing him but got scared not knowing if I would have kids and house. Anyways just all sad. My family found out about all this recently but they don't take responsibility for anything. They tell family I’ve made poor choices, I’m disrespectful, etc. I just feel that since I was emotionally and physically rejected be my mom that all these things happened to me. So now I’m having to learn about this and understand that am not all to blame i hope. It’s literally staring my life over again. I lost friends, can’t find a job, my family is distant, Still with this husband that says he’s sorry and wants to stay together. I so don't love him at all. I just go with it since I have nowhere else to go.
Thanks for your help my emotions are all mixed up in my head and I am sure it comes out in writing. If you have any recommendations let me know. I’ve been to therapist but it’s usually a waste of time.
Take care, I.
Sorry it took me so long to answer your letter, but I was the target of sociopaths/narcissists at work and it has been difficult time for me.
Thank you for writing sharing your story. I am glad to hear my book is a helping witness to you. I am so sorry you are in very painful emotional prison. Your path to liberation has to be well planned and be on the lookout for opportunities when it’s the right time for you to make a move and leave your husband’s emotional prison. Read all Alice Miller’s books to help you get strong emotionally and get help in developing skills to help you find a job.
I too, like you, I went through most of my life feeling unwanted and this is an awful feeling that no child should ever go through. It took me most of my life to heal this wound. Of course the neglect you suffered as a small child made you vulnerable to being sexually abused by others. These words by Alice cames to mind: “A small girl will follow to the cellar the neighbour who promised her chocolate, although she may feel uncomfortable. But if she learned from the beginning of her life that her feelings didn’t matter and that she should obey every adult person, even if she feels resistance, she will follow the neighbour. She will behave like the Little Red Riding-Hood in the fairytale. And she may later suffer in her relationship with men for her whole life if she didn’t work out this early experience in the cellar. However, if she does, she will no longer be in danger of becoming a victim of rape or any other kind of molestation.” From the book “Free From Lies” page 234 somehow through most of my life I listen to my feelings and if I felt something was not right I would plan my move and for the right moment to escape a bad situation. Today the child in me is very much loved by the adult in me and I will never allow anyone to abuse me in any way again.
Feel free to write me anytime.