Saturday, October 17, 2015

Enablers are Just as Guilty

Original Facebook post.

Yes, all at my last job of nine and half years that stayed silent and enabled the psychopaths, especially the property manager, and let them go Scot free are just a guilt. If the psychopaths had succeeded in destroying me, they all would have blood on their hands. Thank you, Donald for sharing the article A Narcissist's Enablers are Guilty to my page Facing Childhood Traumas.



  "There are people who sit on the sidelines and watch someone else being whipped. They could step in and demand that it stops. They have the power to do so. What do they do? Nothing. The narcissist depends on these weak willed people. Abusing people isn't so much fun if it's only a party of two.
Not taking a stand to stop someone being hurt and bullied doesn't absolve you of guilt. On the contrary, you become an active participant, whether you consider yourself one or not. Enablers are guided by self interest. They choose not to help the victim.
This is why enablers are not innocent. They have made a choice to support abuse."
This is totally what the property manager and her enablers did: "So, the narcissist works to get others to turn on the target. The collective betrayal, which comes from the camp of these enablers, is even more devastating than the primary source of abuse. (Yes, the collective betrayal was more devastating than the original from the property manager, because I always knew she would stab me in back at her first opportunity!) 

Targets, especially if this happens at work, or in a social setting, watch as, one by one, the people they thought were their friends, slink away as the battle intensifies. (Totally, only very few stayed friends with me)
Not taking a stand to stop someone from being hurt doesn't absolve you of guilt. On the contrary, you become an active participant, whether you consider yourself one or not.

Some enablers even take it a step beyond, and switch from idling in neutral to all-out support of the morally disordered person. They may even turn into "flying monkeys" who carry out small attacks, in order to stay on the bully's good side. (Totally! was one after the other, when I thought I had one battle own, another would start the harassment)
...The abuser relies upon them not to back up the target. Before any attacks begin, a morally disordered person will carefully plan the battle. This can take months, or even longer, before direct hits are launched. (Yes, the property manager very carefully planned the battle and was very sneaky. 
Professional criminals make sure they don't leave fingerprints. They know exactly what they are doing! ) 

Only if it's clear that there's an excellent chance of decimating a target, does the warfare begin. If there's a solid support system, the abuser won't make a move. (Totally, she never had made her move before, because she knew the whole community liked me, but the moment she found out that some became uncomfortable with my book, she made her move and knew she could get enough enablers to help her.)

This means the enablers are the variable, which can either make or break a plan, and the narcissist knows this. That's why so much effort is put into creating chaos and confusion. This makes it easier for the enablers to rationalize their position. They may even begin to believe the target is getting the treatment she deserves, and that she did something to warrant the narcissist's extreme reaction."

After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love

Donald Warner Parker Your welcome Sylvie for my sharing the above post on your Facebook page Facing Childhood Traumas and I completely and whole-heartedly agree with you when you write, "If the psychopaths had succeeded in destroying me, they all would have blood on their hands.

Monica Chelagat I understand you perfectly...I saw the same no reaction setter expose g here on FB except for a couple who might have 'withdrawn' their initial solidarity.

Donald Warner Parker I understand very well what you wrote, " What has hurt more is the silence from the enablers and see the psychopaths go Scot free," from my own life experience and I am sorry that you have had to go through the pain of the betrayal and abandonment of people who stood by and did absolutely nothing witnessing what was going down.

Sylvie Imelda Shene Yes, the enablers silence and letting the psychopaths go Scot free, that's what is more hurtful and infuriating.

Donald Warner Parker Yes, absolutely. One of the most important things I have come to more fully realize and appreciate over time is that abuse can only go on in an unhealthy environment because if it were otherwise someone would stand up and hold perverse, abusive and destructive people accountable and put a stop to it and make the situation right. Most tragically and unfortunately we live in a broken world in a death culture of narcissism that is emotionally blind as Alice Miller writes about and explains extensively the origins of in the repression and denial of childhood trauma in her work (as you know so well and beautifully bear witness to through sharing your own story interwoven with excerpts of her work in your book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions), and instinct injured, and so people are cowards and moral prostitutes out of fear. This is all pervasive everywhere and so victims of destructive people are unprotected, isolated and banished in their pain, anguish and agony as onlookers look the other way and hit the deck as they do not want to become a target themselves. This is why I have particularly appreciated the facebook pages that are raising consciousness about malignant narcissism and how deadly, destructive and damaging this perverse, sadistic and insane behaviour is on people.

Sylvie Imelda Shene Thank you, Donald for your very thoughtful comment and understanding of what took place. The big problem in our society is the enablers that allow the psychopaths go Scot free. So true what you wrote: "people are cowards and moral prostitutes out of fear. This is all pervasive everywhere and so victims of destructive people are unprotected, isolated and banished in their pain, anguish and agony as onlookers look the other way and hit the deck as they do not want to become a target themselves. This is why I have particularly appreciated the Facebook pages that are raising consciousness about malignant narcissism and how deadly, destructive and damaging their perverse, sadistic and insane behavior is on people." 

And this is also why i wrote my book to be one more helping witness for people that are in the same place I once was and not feel all alone anymore like i once did. And maybe save someone's psyche and not lose it.
Also the article in the link below illustrates what they tried to do to me. 

Gaslighting: The Mind Game Everyone Should Know About. 
"The whole intention of gaslighting is to decrease someone’s self-esteem and self-confidence so they are unable to function in an independent manner. The person being gaslighted will eventually become so insecure that they will fail to trust their own judgment, their intuition and find themselves unable to make decisions." Alex Myles 
(This is exactly what the property manager was hoping to accomplish.)

Donald Warner Parker Your welcome Sylvie and thank you for the enlightening and informative article on Gaslighting. I completely agree with you that, "The big problem in our society is the enablers that allow the psychopaths go Scot free." I think we live in a psychopathic society filled with enablers that allow psychopaths to go scot free, who are re-enacting the betrayal and abandonment they themselves have experienced on many levels from the beginning of their lives on other victims they witness being abused, neglected and psychically raped as they once were (that they turn their heads away from as it is easier that way to keep their denial and repression intact on an unconscious level) that they have no idea of the extent of. To do otherwise and consciously identify with the suffering of victims being perpetrated on would be to come too close to their own repressed pain, which must be avoided at all costs. People in large part are aggressor identified otherwise we would not recognize ourselves or our culture in my opinion. There is no doubt in my mind that anyone who has the good fortune to have discovered and read your book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions will find an enlightened and helping witness in your story and will not feel so alone anymore and that you will help save someone's psyche and not lose it just as you were able to save yours in discovering Alice Miller and taking her work to heart and integrating it into your life whole-heartedly.

Sylvie Imelda Shene I agree with you, Donald that we live in a psychopathic society filled with enablers that idealize psychopaths and allows them to go scot free. Just like you wrote: "I think we live in a psychopathic society filled with enablers that allow psychopaths to go scot free, who are re-enacting the betrayal and abandonment they themselves have experienced on many levels from the beginning of their lives on other victims they witness being abused, neglected and psychically raped as they once were (that they turn their heads away from as it is easier that way to keep their denial and repression intact on an unconscious level) that they have no idea of the extent of. To do otherwise and consciously identify with the suffering of victims being perpetrated on would be to come too close to their own repressed pain, which must be avoided at all costs. People in large part are aggressor identified otherwise we would not recognize ourselves or our culture in my opinion.” 
Totally! In order to keep their denial and repression intact and to keep hanging into their idealized parents and childhood, they need to destroy me in attempt to discredit mine and Alice Miller’s work, but by coming after me, they just proved and gave more credibility to mine and Alice Miller’s work. They are nothing but a bunch of cowards. I have compassion for the children they once were, but I have no compassion for the cowardly adults they have become, making everyone else suffer and pay for the crimes and ignorance of their parents or parents’ substitutes. 

The words below from the articles Gaslighting describe exactly what the property manager and a few others did in an attempt to destroy me: “The abuser will systematically and frequently withhold information and then deliberately alter facts to disorientate their victim.

They may also remove things from certain places and then deny doing so to destabilize and confuse the other person.
The abuser will refrain from mentioning specific details and then convince the other person that they had told them, so the victim thinks they are losing their memory or their mind.

The abuser will say something then ask their victim to repeat what it is they have said. When the victim repeats clearly word for word, the abuser will lie to say they haven’t said a particular word, or that they have spoken it in a different tone of voice to that of which the abuser heard. For example, the abuser may say something angrily or aggressively, but when the victim gets upset, they will completely deny having used this tone, quickly changing their voice to a gentler and calmer tone. The abuser may then accuse their victim of deliberately trying to hear everything they say in a negative way—even though the abuser knows they deliberately wanted to appear as aggressive and negative.

Often, the abuser will want to create levels of distrust within the relationship to make the victim feel they either are cheating, or would cheat at the first opportunity. They may say things to make their victim feel insecure and jealous, for example, deliberately mentioning a certain person in a way that makes it sound as though there is more going on behind the scenes. When the victim questions this, the abuser will accuse the victim of having trust issues and this will falsely further confirm in the victim’s mind that they have serious insecurities and also, that they are extremely paranoid.

The abuser will make up very convincing lies to deliberately upset the other person and then call them names, mock them and put them down for getting upset and for overreacting. The abuser will also make light of anything that the victim feels is important to make the victim’s opinions, life-choices and thoughts seem juvenile or that they are inferior to their own. It is likely that the abuser will laugh at or sneer at their victim, but when questioned, convince their victim that they were imagining it.”

Donald Warner Parker In my opinion Sylvie the logical and inevitable consequence of people world wide in a state of repression and denial of their childhood traumas and the subsequent dissociation, disconnection and hypocrisy that is a result of it, has set people up to idealize psychopaths just as they have idealized their own parents, family and a culture that has in large part betrayed, abandoned and traumatized them from the beginning of their lives, and so you end up worshipping and becoming a slave to what has destroyed, undermined and completely sabotaged your human potential and turned you into a Frankenstein of survival strategies and coping mechanisms (which as you know is coldly referred to as defects of character in the 12 step programs.) Once again as you wrote in your book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions, ""Resolving childhood repression is the vaccine against the charlatans of the world who exploit those who are still emotionally blinded by the unresolved, repressed emotions of the children they once were." page 172 

Yes, absolutely, of course as you wrote, "In order to keep their denial and repression intact and to keep hanging into their idealized parents and childhood, they needed to destroy me in attempt to discredit mine and Alice Miller’s work, but by coming after me, they just proved and gave more credibility to mine and Alice Miller’s work. They are nothing but a bunch of cowards. I have compassion for the children they once were, but I have no compassion for the cowardly adults they have become, making everyone else suffer and pay for the crimes and ignorance of their parents or parents’ substitutes." Most unfortunately like in your family you have once again been made the scapegoat of people who are triggered by the honesty of your story that is touching on their own repressed pain, that they are not even conscious enough to be aware of, and so are consequently projecting and transferring all their dissociated feelings of hatred and rage towards their childhood perpetrators onto you. 

As Alice Miller wrote in her article About Transference, "The transference is unavoidable if we were once abused children. It can also be highly confusing. But it can be liberating as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life. If we have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the eyes, and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the misleading, confusing and defensive role of the transference disappears. We can then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what consequences their abuse might have on our lives. They acted like robots, directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection whatsoever." Again you are absolutely right that them coming after you has proved and given you more credibility to your and Alice Miller's work otherwise they would not be reacting so strongly, violently and destructively towards you in a desperate attempt to keep their repression and denial intact as you well know. 

This is what "cowards," mean people in a state of repression and denial do, as they need scapegoats, as they are seriously impaired in their capacity for self - refection and unable to question their intense feelings and reactions and put their feelings in the proper context in their childhood where they belong, which is what your book is a very powerful, moving and inspiring testimony to. I am sure that you do have compassion for the abused and neglected children they once were but of course not for the cowardly adults they have become who make innocent others pay for what their parents and other parent substitutes are responsible for as you wrote. Most fortunately for you, you had enough of your true self intact to have the capacity to recognize the truth in Alice Miller's work and to very intensively apply the essential truths of it to your own childhood history and free yourself of the effects of repression and denial, which has no doubt saved your life and also from being so triggered by unresolved childhood pain as to drive you crazy or to suicide in this horrible situation of persecution in the present. You now have an even stronger testimony to share and eventually write about if you so desire to do so. I am enclosing Alice Millers link to the article About Transference so that others who may read this may benefit from it.

Sylvie Imelda Shene I agree with everything you wrote,Donald. They needed to destroy me to keep their denial and repression intact and to protect theirs and theirs parents image, so they could go on with their facades, false image and lies as usual. And them, like Marty, my ex-boyfriend, tried to finish the job of killing my soul that my older sisters, brothers and schools teachers had started, but if my sisters, brothers and teachers were not able to kill my soul when I was a small defenseless child and if Marty was not able to finished the job that was a lot more talent, charismatic, charming and handsome! There was no way that the property manager and her enablers were going to be able NOW to finish the job; she is talented, but not as half as talented as Marty was. 

Just I wrote in my blog They are Allergic to my Aliveness: some people were supportive of my book, because they thought my book was just another story like many out there writing what the public likes to hear to distract them from their own painful truth with the same old recycled pretty seductive lies and half-truths, but my book is not just another story telling the same bullshit like many authors out there, my book is a strong mirror and they don’t like their own reflections, so they want to try to bring me down. How dear of me, an ex-topless dancer and now a gate attendant put such a strong mirror in front of them. And like my family they are using the same tactics by saying that is to protect me, but what they want to do is to put me in my place and show me who is in charge to manage their own fears and keep their own image, repression and little illusions intact. Just as Alice Miller says: “Conditioning and manipulation of others are always weapons and instruments in the hands of those in power even if these weapons are disguised with the terms education and therapeutic treatment.” For Your Own Good, P. 278
And of course just like my teachers and older sisters, they want to destroy my spirit so I will be like them. They are allergic to my aliveness.

Just like Donald wrote in the discussion about my book: “The passage below from the Alice Miller interview How To Combat Denial came to my mind right away when I read of your sisters blaming your mother for your being so difficult and rebellious:
Borut Petrovic Jesenovec: I notice that a lot of people become allergic when they see a truly childlike child unburdened by guilt and abuse. They just can’t stand it. They repeat that every child must be socialised as soon as possible, in other words taken away from parents and put into kindergarten so that he/she becomes "available" to anyone. They preach the benefits of socialisation as if it was a most sacred, noble cause. I find this social pressure enormous. But in this context socialisation equals adaptation to cruelty. Why is a child who is alive, genuine and pure, in their eyes unbearable, even sinful, and must by all means be mutilated so he/she would become similar to them?

Alice Miller: Because the child’s creativity and liveliness triggers in the parents the repressed pain of being suffocated. They are afraid of feeling the pain, so they do whatever they can to avoid the triggers. By insisting on obedience they kill the lively child, they victimize him or her as they themselves were victimized before. For that reason, they absolutely need information. This is why we talk and work on this interview. Most parents don’t want to hurt their children; they do it automatically, just by repeating what they themselves learned as children. We can help them to stop this destructive behaviour by explaining to them why it is actually destructive. So that they can wake up and make a choice."

Donald Warner Parker Yes Sylvie they needed to destroy you to keep their denial and repression intact and to protect their parents image (as that is what was threatened on an unconscious level that turned you into an object of persecution, target and scapegoat with all their unresolved and dissociated hatred, rage and contempt towards their childhood abusers transferred onto you) so they could go on with their facades, false image and lies as usual. As Alice Miller writes in her article The Origins of Torture In Endured Child Abuse, "*The thirst for vengeance does not come from nowhere. It has a clearly identifiable cause. The thirst for vengeance has its origins in infancy, when children are forced to suffer in silence and put up with the cruelty inflicted on them in the name of upbringing. They learn how to torment others from their parents, and later from their teachers and superiors. It is nothing other than systematic instruction by example on how to destroy others. Yet many people believe that it has no evil consequences. As if a child were a container that can be emptied from time to time. But the human brain is not a container. The things we learn at an early stage stay with us in later life." 

Their attempts to destroy you failed as you had inoculated yourself against being so triggered and overwhelmed by unresolved childhood trauma that you had worked through intensively on your own with the help of Alice Miller's enlightened witnessing through her books and material on her website in combination with an inner strength that you had always had from a very young age. And yes Marty like them tried to finish the job of killing your soul that your older sisters, brothers and school teachers had started, picking up where they had left off, and yes also if your sisters and brothers and teachers were not able to kill your soul when you were a small and defenseless child and Marty who was more talented, charismatic, charming and handsome was not able to finished the job, then there was no way the property manager and her enablers were going to be able NOW to finish the job, not being half as talented as Marty was, as you described. 

I completely agree with what you wrote in your blog about them being Allergic to your Aliveness (a persecution that you have experienced from early on in your life described in your book, that did not destroy you as you had a strong inner core) and that your book is not just another story telling like so many authors out there, but a strong mirror that they could not bear what was being reflected back to them about their own lives and so they wanted to bring you down (trying to kill the messenger). And yes like your family they are using the same tactics in the name of protecting you, but what they really want to do is to put you an ex-topless dancer and gate attendant in your place and show you who is in charge to manage their own fears and keep their own image, repression and little illusions intact. Most fortunately for you, you can see through what is going on and why, which doesn't make it in any way alright only understandable, and you are able to protect yourself armed with the truth and with an ability to see how the abusive, perverse and traumatic present day situation is resonating with your past childhood history with your older sisters, brothers and school teachers and more recently with Marty. 

The material on narcissism also seems to be a very helpful orientation and enlightened witness as well as to how these people operate. Three passages from your book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions come to mind that I have found particularly helpful and supportive to orientate me, that I have referred to in times of distress come to mind , "Just remember this: if particular people or circumstances trigger excruciatingly intense feelings inside you, just keep telling yourself that these are the repressed feelings of the child you once were. Feelings don't kill anyone no matter how intense they are. Only actions kill. So if you ride your intense feelings into shore, direct them at the real culprits who hurt you when you were a defenseless child and avoid taking any actions you may regret later, you'll be free and no one will get hurt." page 163 - 164 and "While the child you once were was unable to feel intense fear or anger, it's safe for you to feel these intense emotions as an adult today. Eventually, you'll no longer feel scared and angry. Just don't give up! You must let your honest feelings show you the true story of what you had to go through as a child." page 165 and lastly "As you allow the events in your life to unfold, all that's required of you is that you observe the feelings that arise naturally to the surface. You don't have to force it -- they will come up on their own! Just be sure to brace yourself because you'll likely have to look back and face some painful truths and memories -- many of which may shock you." page 160

*The Origins of Torture In Endured Child Abuse by Alice Miller

Sylvie Imelda Shene That was it, Donald! You summarize it all very well in your last comment and I can’t think of anything else I can add to it. Thank you from sharing the excerpt of the article The Origins of Torture In Endured Child Abuse by Alice Miller. I need to read it again! I have not seen anyone else to come see at the depths that Alice Miller came to see and no one else articulates it better than her!

Donald Warner Parker Your welcome Sylvie for my sharing the excerpt of the article The Origins of Torture In Endured Child Abuse by Alice Miller and nor have I "seen anyone else to come see at the depths that Alice Miller came to see and no one else articulates it better than her!", as you wrote.


To read more about my experiences with the mob of sociopaths or narcissists at my last job read my blog Experienced Knowledge