Saturday, May 12, 2018

Take a risk or live the rest of our lives in solitude

Dear H,
Thank you for writing. 
I’m so sorry to hear you are not in a good place.
If you can’t show your true feelings towards L or K, maybe is because the little girl within you doesn’t trust them fully and you need to accept that at this time, but most important can the little girl within you trust the adult in you to show you and express to you her authentic feelings? 
I have learned most, if not all people out there are not safe to express our authentic feelings with, because of their unresolved repression, they will most like will turn against you sooner or later in one form or another.  Some are passive-aggressive standing on the sidelines witnessing and hoping that another malignant narcissist or sociopath succeeds in breaking you down.  This has been my experience since I published my book, if I didn’t have truly resolved my repression, I would have been broken down by now, especially with the sociopaths in the “mental health field” how come none have congratulated me in my amazing journey to  liberation, but I feel, they all stand on the side lines silently hoping a sociopath eventually succeeds in regressing me to the emotional prison of my childhood and finish the job to break my spirit or murder my soul that my childhood abusers started and were not able to finish.
I think Alice Miller was the only one real, honest and authentic person out there because I’m pretty sure if they were more out there, I would have found them or they would have found me by NOW! And this is why Alice Miller was constantly persecuted and deceived by people pretending to be real like her, just like I’m experiencing, her experience is my experience. She was alone just like I’m. Even those that worked closely with her are not real. I would never have discovered how fake they are if I had not written and published my book! And just for that, I'm very glad I wrote and published my book. What the public sees and the reality behind the scenes are two completely different things and I would never have gotten behind the scenes if I had not written and published my book. 
Alice took a risk with them, just like me, I have been taking a risk with people and hoping they don’t turn on me, but I know no matter who I get involved with there is the chance they might turn on me at any time, but there is no other choice, we either take a risk or live the rest of our lives in solitude and never get involved with anyone again, that I’m totally okay with. For now, I choose to take a risk.

But the silence of those sitting on side lines is the most hurtful than the ones that dare to come after me, because those that come after me then I can shine the light on them and they expose themselves, but the ones sitting on the side lines, they stay hiding in the dark like cockroaches praying and hoping someone eventually succeeds in breaking me and declare me mentally instable to discredit me and my book, so their own fears of being exposed for the fraud that they are can be put to rest, they are a bunch of cowards hoping someone else does their dirty work, so they hands stay clean.
It’s impossible to have honest personal relationships with people that have not face or are not willing to look in the mirror to face their own repression. And those that appear to be good at personal relationships just have mastered the art of faking it to perfection. 
…but if I say, that I carry a lot of hate towards her… [well most of this hate most like belong towards your parents or childhood caregivers and once understood and felt in the right context  this hate should start to subside, and some of this hate might be caused by k because she might not be there the way you need her to be] ..it is hate I bear towards myself… [here you making yourself the scapegoat and this is one major reason you stay stuck because you blame yourself and not the real culprits that hurt you when you were defenseless and powerless little girl.]  sylvie, the more I write, the more I feel the pain and the invasiveness of my writings... [this is good keep on writing]  life is not about thoughts, it is about emotions. and I am not there. [just try to feel a little bit at the time, you can’t do it all at once, be patient with the little girl within yourself the more it starts trusting you the more will express and reveal to you]
I don't want to lose you, even if I think, all this Alice Miller stuff has ruined my life. this sounds crazy and weird. [You can’t lose me! But what would be really tragic is if you lose yourself. And blaming Alice Miller for ruining your life is again making someone else your scapegoat and letting the real culprits go Scot free and this is why you stay stuck and can’t move on because you have a hard time understanding and putting all your feelings in the right context. Once we understand and consciously feel all of our feelings in the right context, they start to diminish pretty quickly and like a little child that is allowed to express her/his authentic feelings will get through her/his hurt feelings pretty quickly and will go back to playing freely and enjoy life.] 
with L I have the feeling, that she touches me very deep inside. she wants me to be honest. this is a chance to change my life, … she wants to know if I want to spend time with her or not. it is a general question, not a thing of timetable... she deserves an answer. and I don't know, what to say... and this is what irritates her...[Being honest with ourselves and others is always good and a must; because only with honesty and the truth then can we make a consciously informed decision otherwise our relationships are a lie. I witness most relationships out there are a lie glued by fear of being alone.]
I don't want to be the bad person, to say no, but she would stand this,  one should be able to say yes or no, or not at the moment or something and why so... " I don't know", is not a grown-up answer. I run away, from something with her. " I can't tell" is the only answer I can give her.  I rather want to kill myself than say yes or no.”[if you don’t know then you are giving her an honest answer -- don’t be afraid of being seen as a bad person, if people sees you as a bad person for speaking your truth, it’s their problem, not yours and will be liberating to you. How others see me it’s not my problem and not of my concern. It doesn’t mean I like it when someone doesn’t see me and only sees their own reflection of themselves in me and the bad person they accuse me of being it’s really them, but I have no control over people’s reflections and I just walk away and let them go find another mirror and scapegoat. Free at last!]
Remember Liliane Rombout the therapist from the Netherlands that wrote to me in 2014 and I thought maybe she was real and I asked her if she would like to sign the foreword of my book and in the end, she ends up being a big nightmare, she became very critical and accused me of protecting my mother.  Anyway, her nightmare just keeps on going, she sat with the critique of my book all these years and now she decided to change her name and published her critique of my book under her new name! She never predicted that I would figure out that Liliane Rombout and Olane Roos was one and the same. Isn’t this the calculated move of a malignant narcissist or sociopath?! All it blew up in her face because I made it all public in my blogs in the links below and now people have all the facts and evidence and draw their own conclusions based on facts and evidence.
I hope you find a more peaceful place soon.
Hung in there,
Sylvie