Vindictive Narcissists: 10 Signs & How to Handle One
"1. They’re Easily Offended
Research suggests that narcissistic rage and vindictiveness are commonly exhibited when a narcissist takes offense to something that someone did or said.2,4 Because narcissists often think only of themselves, they tend to take things personally and get offended in situations most people wouldn’t be bothered by. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they’ll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive.3
2. They Hold Grudges & Harbor Resentment
Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. It’s almost as if they’re mentally ‘keeping score’ of every slight, critical remark, or joke made at their expense.3,8,9 They may blow up in the moment and still harbor resentment. Other times, they appear aloof or unbothered while inwardly plotting their revenge.3
3. They Are Usually Angry or Upset With Someone
It’s not unusual for a vindictive narcissist to be angry or upset with someone. They may even share their frustrations with others and rehash the reasons why they are irate. If you’re dealing with a vindictive narcissist, there’s a good chance that they are always mad at someone, as vindictive behavior is mainly driven by anger.1 Partners of vindictive narcissists often feel like they can’t do anything right, are constantly being criticized, and that their partner is continually upset with them.2,5
4. They Blame Everything on Someone Else
A refusal to accept accountability is a telltale sign of narcissism, but may be more prevalent in narcissists with a vindictive streak.2,3,7 Projecting blame onto someone else (even if they’re innocent) serves many purposes for a vindictive narcissist. One is that it allows them to dodge personal responsibility for anything they may have done wrong, further protecting their egos. Painting someone else as the ‘bad guy’ provides an excuse to target and retaliate against the person.4
5. They Don’t Know How to Work Through Conflict
Poor emotion regulation and impulse control are at the core of NPD, making it difficult for them to remain calm enough to ‘fight fair.’ Immature defenses, fits of rage, and vindictive acts are most obvious during conflicts and disagreements.2,3,4 Because vindictive narcissists are easily upset and unable to express themselves peacefully, they tend to either explode, storm off, or shut down during conflict. This also means that most of their disputes are unresolved, which may partly explain why they hold grudges and plot ways to get revenge.4
6. They Have a ‘Get Even’ Mentality
Vindictive narcissists have a ‘get even’ mentality and keep score of when someone has upset or offended them, often with a long list of names attached. Being unable to regulate emotions, take responsibility, resolve conflicts, or find empathy and forgiveness for others means getting even is the only way to let go and move on.3,4
7. They Weaponize Information
When people make the mistake of sharing their secrets, insecurities, and sensitive ‘intel’ with a vindictive narcissist, they usually end up regretting it. After collecting this information through charm, manipulation tactics, or other dishonest means, a vindictive narcissist commonly weaponizes this information. They may use it to blackmail, control, or threaten someone; or they may use it in a smear campaign designed to ruin someone’s career, life, or reputation.2,3,5
8. They Belittle Others to Feel Bigger
Vindictiveness is sometimes believed to be an indication of severe narcissism, especially because it’s closely tied to antisocial and abusive behavior.4,5,6 One may this may be exhibited in daily interactions is belittlement. A vindictive narcissist will often put people down, give back-handed compliments, make cruel remarks, or say and do things to make others feel small (especially when they’re feeling small themselves).2,4
9. They Have a Mean & Sadistic Side
The more severe a person’s NPD is, the more likely it is that they’ll behave in ways that are cruel, dishonest, and even abusive. These antisocial tendencies can show up as a lack of empathy, callousness, or cruelty.6 The most psychopathic narcissists may even enjoy causing pain and suffering. These sadistic tendencies can be a sign that someone has both antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder (called malignant narcissism). This is also known as ‘Schadenfreude,’ a German term referring to the pleasure of hurting others.
10. They Use, Abuse & Then Discard People
Extreme narcissists are unable to form close, healthy, and lasting relationships with other people.2,3,5 They usually view relationships in a transactional way, strategically trying to charm and con their way into the inner circles of people who have things they want. This could be fortune, fame, power, status, or valuable skills or personality traits that can be exploited. Once they’ve acquired their target or found a new and ‘better’ alternative, vindictive narcissists quickly end the relationship and move on to their next victim (aka narcissistic discard).
Causes of Vindictive Narcissism
Narcissistic personality disorder is believed to be caused by a combination of genetic, environmental, and social factors. Certain research suggests that some people with narcissistic and antisocial personalities have abnormalities in parts of the brain linked to empathy, emotional intelligence, and impulse control. Others may be at higher risk for NPD based on their personality type and temperament.8
While these predispositions and genetic factors may play a role in NPD, studies suggest that childhood trauma is one of the main contributing factors to the disorder. Extreme parenting styles and attachment trauma in childhood are highly common in narcissists. For example, both excessive praise and extreme physical or emotional neglect in childhood make someone much more likely to develop NPD as an adult.8
Triggers for Vindictiveness in Narcissists
Both overt and covert narcissists can be vindictive, but research suggests they may have slightly different triggers and motivations for seeking revenge. According to one study, ‘narcissistic rage’ (the projection of anger onto others) in covert or vulnerable narcissists is often triggered by abandonment issues and insecure attachment styles. In overt/grandiose narcissists, triggers are commonly centered around competition, achievement, and failures that threaten one’s ‘God complex.’2
In both subtypes, the triggers for vindictive, angry, and defensive behaviors usually involve an ‘ego wound’ that results in feelings of shame, humiliation, or insecurity.2,3 Many psychologists believe that vindictiveness is a defense mechanism used to boost one’s self-esteem and regulate emotions when feeling insecure or threatened. It’s often tied to other immature defenses used by people with NPD like projection, denial, idealization of themselves, and devaluation of others.4
Examples of triggers for narcissistic rage and vindictiveness include:2,3,4,8
- Being challenged, debated, or disagreed with
- Being told “no,” rejected, or denied special treatment
- Feeling envious, insecure, or threatened by someone viewed as ‘competition’
- Being told what to do by an authority figure or someone in a position of power
- Hearing critical or corrective feedback about themselves or their performance
- Feeling embarrassed or humiliated, especially in front of others
- Having someone hold them accountable for their actions or mistakes"
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