Dear
M,
Everything you are going through is part of the process to liberate yourself.
I
went through exactly the same things with Marty you are going through with R.
Feeling all of your excruciating feelings towards R is normal and part of the
process and even though some of those painful feelings belong to him because
he is trying to control, manipulate you and is hurting you like your childhood
caregivers did when you were really defenseless and powerless. Transference is an unavoidable stage and here is where most people stay stuck; to truly liberate
yourself and prevent from ever being attracted to another man symbolizing your
parents and endless keep reenacting your childhood drama -- you are going to
have to see and understand what feelings belong in childhood and what ones
belong in the present if the repressed
feelings of the child you once were had been understood and resolved the separation
would not be this difficult, would be sad, but not this overwhelming.
These words by Alice Miller in her article
About Transference come to mind: “Should we as adults be treated in the same
way as our parents treated us as children, many of us - especially if we have
been through therapy - can become aware of the cruelty endured before. But the
knowledge of the whole amount of cruelty can still rest repressed because the
terror happened when we had not yet a name for it. For this reason, we need what
we call "the transference", hating for instance another person
instead of our mother or father. The transference is unavoidable if we were
once abused children. It can also be highly confusing. But it can be liberating
as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life. If we
have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the
eyes, and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the
misleading, confusing and defensive role of the transference disappears. We can
then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big
human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us
whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what
consequences their abuse might have on our lives. They acted like robots,
directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection
whatsoever.”
As
soon you understand the stage of transference and are able to see what feelings
belong to the child you once were and feel them in the right context, the intense
feelings subside and you break free and
no longer will you be blind by the repressed emotions to reenacting your childhood
drama with people standing in symbolizing your parents. You will recognize red flags and no longer be driven by the repressed feelings to get involved intimately with people that
bring you to this painful place again and again. R’s childhood drama is also being reenacted
and it’s obvious his mother was an angry woman and her anger scared him and he
probably tried to hide from her when she was angry and behaved nicely to
try to get his mother to act loving again and now he is doing the same thing
with you -- when you show anger he runs
like a scared little boy and then returns acting all nice to see if his substitute mother figure came
down and tries to manipulate you to behave like a loving mother, so he doesn’t
have to feel the intense feelings of the child he once was of having a
mother that could not love him as he was, but once you act loving again he goes
back to the old behaviors that trigger you and this is a vicious circle hard
to break free from, as long you let him manipulate you to be exactly where he
wants you to be, you are letting yourself be used as his medication to manage
his painful feelings, be his scapegoat and blame you for his plight and vice
versa. Most couples stay together using each other as scapegoats or poisonous
containers to prevent from having to face and feel the peak of the excruciating repressed feelings of the child
they once were, like fear, shame, powerless, and rage,
even if you and R are meant to be together this separation is a
prerequisite for you two have a chance to truly liberate yourself, to this day I have not seen a couple taking a
separation and deal with their repression and then come together in freedom and
true love and usually they just go on unconsciously and compulsively reenacting
their childhood drama with their partners and their children if they have
children; most of the time these relationships whole purpose is to force us to face and feel our childhood repression and never were meant to be permanent.
I
too thought Marty was destroying my spirit because before I met him I was
doing fine, I was a shiny popular dancer and that was too what attracted him to
me!
But was because my repression was so deep and out of sight with the aid of
being a successful dancer and all the money I was making, but my family were
the ones that almost killed my spirit and because of it I almost allowed Marty
to finish the job they started, but R only can finish the job if you allow
him.
Try to feel the intense emotions without taking action, go for a walk
when he is triggering the intense feelings to avoid hurting him and
yourself.
And once he is truly gone is when the peak of the intensity of the
repressed feelings come to the surface, so right now you and R are just at
the entrance of the intense feelings that are to come and this is why he
doesn’t want to give up on the relationship and is trying to control and
manipulate you to be all accepting and loving again “the good wife” to avoid
from having to feel the avalanche and the peak of the intense repressed feelings of
the child he once was from coming to the surface.
I am sure just like Marty if
he can’t control you to be exactly where he wants you to be, he will look for someone else to distract himself and use as his medication to manage and from having to face
and feel his repression, but it’s better to be someone else than you. It’s sad
that Marty had to go on reenacting his childhood drama with someone else and
now very sadly he also brought into his vicious circle a beautiful little girl
with one of the many women he used to avoid facing and feeling his
repression and now will also use his innocent little daughter to distract
himself and transfer his repression that later will try to control in his
daughter and this insanity will continue endlessly.
I
wish you courage and strength to move through this very important stage to true
liberation,
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