Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Transference is Unavoidable Stage

Dear M,

Everything thing you are going through is part of the process to liberate yourself.

I went through exactly the same things with Marty you are going through with R. Feeling all of your excruciating feelings towards R is normal and part of the process and even though some of those painful feelings belong to him, because he is trying to control, manipulate you and is hurting you like your childhood caregivers did when you were really defenseless and powerless. Transference is unavoidable stage and here is where most people stay stuck; to truly liberate yourself and prevent from ever being attracted to another man symbolizing your parents and endless keep reenacting your childhood drama -- you are going to have to see and understand what feelings belong in childhood and what ones belong in the present,  if the repressed feelings of the child you once were had been understood and resolved the separation would not be this difficult, would be sad, but not this overwhelming.  These words by Alice Miller in her article About Transference come to mind: “Should we as adults be treated in the same way as our parents treated us as children, many of us - especially if we have been through therapy - can become aware of the cruelty endured before. But the knowledge of the whole amount of cruelty can still rest repressed because the terror happened when we had not yet a name for it. For this reason we need what we call "the transference", hating for instance another person instead of our mother or father. The transference is unavoidable if we were once abused children. It can also be highly confusing. But it can be liberating as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life. If we have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the eyes, and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the misleading, confusing and defensive role of the transference disappears. We can then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what consequences their abuse might have on our lives. They acted like robots, directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection whatsoever.” 

As soon you understand the stage of transference and able to see what feelings belong to the child you once were and feel them in the right context, the intense feelings subside and  you break free and no longer will you be blind by the repressed emotions to reenacting your childhood drama with people standing in symbolizing your parents.  You will recognize red flags and no longer driven by the repressed feelings to get involved intimately with people that bring you to this painful place again and again. R’s childhood drama is also being reenacted and it’s obvious his mother was an angry woman and her anger scared him and he probably tried to hide from her when she was angry and behaved nicely to try to get his mother to act loving again and now he is doing the same thing with you -- when you show anger he runs like a scared little boy and then returns acting all nice  to see if his substitute mother figure came down and tries to manipulate you to behave like a loving mother, so he doesn’t have to feel the intense feelings of the child he once was of having a mother that could not love him as he was, but once you act loving again he goes back to the old behaviors that triggers you and this is a vicious circle hard to break free from, as long you let him manipulate you to be exactly where he wants you to be, you are letting yourself be used as his medication to manage his painful feelings, be his scapegoat and blame you for his plight and vice versa. Most couples stay together using each other as scapegoat or poisonous container to prevent from having to face and feel the peak of the  excruciating repressed feelings of the child they once were, like fear, shame, powerless and rage,  even if you and R are meant to be together this separation is a prerequisite for you two have a chance to truly liberate yourself,  to this day I have not seen a couple taking a separation and deal with their repression and then come together in freedom and true love and usually they just go on unconsciously and compulsively reenacting their childhood drama with their partners and their children if they have children; most of the time these relationships whole purpose is to force us face and feel our childhood repression and never were meant to be permanently.

I too thought Marty was destroying my spirit, because before I met him I was doing fine, I was a shiny popular dancer and that was too what attracted him to me! But was because my repression was so deep and out of sight with the aid of being a successful dancer and all the money I was making, but my family were the ones that almost killed my spirit and because of it I almost allowed Marty to finished the job they started, but R only can finished the job if you allow him. Try to feel the intense emotions without taking actions, go for a walk when he is triggering the intense feelings to avoid from hurting him and yourself. And once he is truly gone is when the peak of the intensity of the repressed feelings come to the surface, so right now you and R are just the at the entrance of the intense feelings that are to come and these is why he doesn’t want to give up on the relationship and is trying to control and manipulate you to be all accepting and loving again “the good wife” to avoid from having to feel the avalanche and the peak of the intense repressed feelings of the child he once was from coming to the surface. I am sure just like Marty if he can’t control you to be exactly where he wants you to be,  he will look for someone else  to distract himself  and use as his medication to manage and from having to face and feel his repression, but it’s better to be someone else than you. It’s sad that Marty had to go on reenacting his childhood drama with someone else and now very sadly he also brought into his vicious circle a beautiful little girl with one of the many of women he was using to avoid from facing and feeling his repression and now will also use his innocent little daughter to distract himself and transfer his repression that later will try to control in his daughter and this insanity will continue endless.

I wish you courage and strength to move through this very important stage to true liberation,


P.S. Also read the answer Alice Miller gave to one of her readers about Transference 

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