This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Living alone for a period of time can significantly contribute to personal growth, as it allows for self-discovery, development of independence, and a deeper understanding of your own needs and desires, which can be crucial for maturing as a person; therefore, there is merit to the idea that living alone for a few years can be beneficial for personal growth.
Key reasons why living alone can promote personal growth:
Self-reliance:
Managing your own space and responsibilities like bills, cooking, and maintenance fosters a sense of self-sufficiency and autonomy.
Self-awareness:
With no one else around to influence your behavior, you can better identify your true interests, values, and emotional patterns.
Personal boundaries:
Learning to respect your own space and time can lead to better relationship boundaries with others.
Exploration of hobbies and passions:
Living alone provides the freedom to pursue activities and interests without needing to coordinate with others.
Emotional resilience:
Navigating challenges and loneliness while living alone can build emotional strength and coping mechanisms.
“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist” - James Baldwin
Yes, that's very true. They want revenge at any cost, and they never give up trying to get revenge. Be careful because they have a hard time letting go and moving on.
Yes, they are liars by omission. I know someone who tells you that she doesn't lie, but she is just as much of a liar as the people she accuses of lying.
Yes, they plan it from the very beginning. Refrain from wasting your time and love with these vampires. Walk away.
Yes, they recruit others to do their dirty work. Walk away from them all.
Yes, once a person has grown into a full-blown malignant narcissist unconditional love just enables them. Only children need unconditional love. Loving unconditionally a narcissist is to be endlessly used and exploited by them.
"Relationships with narcissists only last for as long as you're willing to put yourself last."
Only children need and must have unconditional love and protection no matter what, it’s their birthright and the parents’ obligation to love and protect them. But adults can never be loved unconditionally. You would not love a rapist or dictator. The love between adults needs to be earned.
“As adults, we don’t need unconditional love, not even from our therapist. This is a childhood need, that can never be fulfilled later in life, and we are playing with illusions if we have never mourned this lost opportunity. But there are other things we can get from a good therapist: reliability, honesty, respect, trust, empathy, understanding, and an ability to clarify their emotions so that they need not bother us with them. If a therapist promises unconditional love, we must protect ourselves from him, from his hypocrisy and lack of awareness” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 45
I must be doing something right because since I published my book the devil is constantly after me.
Have you ever realized that:
Sometimes, people make you out to be the villain just to avoid feeling guilty about how they treated you and the choices they made. By shifting the blame, they protect themselves from facing their own truth. But their need to justify their harmful behavior doesn't change the fact that their actions are a reflection of them, not you.
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. JAMES BALDWIN
Some people are like unpaid therapy.
They come, they shine, make us smile
and never ask for anything in return.
Those are important people.
Sometimes, holding on to someone hurts more, so it's better to let them go and allow your wounds to heal.
A "golden child" is a child who is treated as exceptional by their family, often with excessive praise and special treatment. The term is often used to describe a child who is expected to be perfect, avoid mistakes, and excel at everything.
Golden children are often raised by narcissistic or controlling parents who create a toxic environment where the child feels unsafe expressing their own opinions. The child is expected to live up to unattainable levels of perfection and meet their parents' desires, even if they don't agree with them.
The role of the golden child can lead to a range of emotional and psychological challenges, including:
High stress levels
Perfectionism
Difficulty with independence
Anxiety
Depression
Relational difficulties
With therapy and self-reflection, it's possible to start to take more risks and stand up for yourself.
I went through this with a coworker no long ago. I knew what she was trying to do, to destabilize me by transferring her poison into me, but I just ignored it and eventually, all backfired on her.
"The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal. His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.
All abusers, sexual or emotional, try to drag others into their orbit and distort the rules. Their destructive capability depends on the propaganda they disseminate among victims’ families, friends, and associates, showing to what extent the victims are “evil” and that it is, therefore, normal to blame them.
Sometimes they succeed and seduce allies by ridiculing and scorning moral values. Not leading others into a circle of violence means failure for abusers and, therefore, becomes the only way to stop the spread of the abusive process." [Yes, I keep getting my soul stalked by pure evil.]
Emotional abuse defined: "These are evil psychological assaults. This aggression arises from an unconscious psychological process of destruction consisting of either hidden or overt hostility on the part of one and sometimes several abusers toward a designated person; a real target in every sense of the word.
It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually, those close to the situation will not intervene.
A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other; she also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse."
"The very definition of emotional abuse is challenged by some who prefer to use the catch-all term of psychopathy."
""Whether the subject is serial killing or emotional abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life."
"The goal of abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him." page 71
-Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen "Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity"
I agree. The 12-step program doesn't help. I went to Al-Anon and CoDA for many years, and only it gave me was false hope. I think you may like reading my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions where I share my life experiences and psychological discoveries. It took me over 40 years, but finally, I'm free. Since I published my first book it has been a constant dance with malignant narcissists trying to regress me into the emotional prison of my childhood.
The workplace is the only place these malignant narcissists can get close to me.
Being a seeing and a feeling person is like a double-edged sword, it protects you but also makes you a target of these malignant narcissists that are among us everywhere, especially in the workplace.
Yes, they are only nice to you if it benefits them!
No, you can't have a healthy relationship with a narcissist. They want you to think they have a healthy relationship and that they are happy by posting pictures pretending to be happy on social media. But I know the true state of affairs behind the pretty pictures. What the public can see and what goes on behind the scenes are two completely different stories.
Very true! Nothing you could have said or done diferently would have changed the outcome with a malignant narcissist. Relationships with a narcissist never end well. It is what it is.
That's a waste of time to try to talk to them. Don't react or argue with them and just walk away and let them meet their future and destiny.
Never argue, confront, or react to a malignant narcissist. Anything you do or say, they will twist anything you say and use it against you. Just walk away and never allow them to enter into your life again.
Rise above the malignant narcissists' bullshit, because reacting to their BS, that's what they want and that's what gives them power.
"In professional environments, they want you to blow up so that coworkers and superiors see you as unstable. In romantic settings, they want you to lash out so that they can use your “hysterical” reactions to show potential partners and exes how crazy you’ve become. Until we understand this, we’ll continue to fall into their trap."
Narcissism is an epidemic. Be very careful who you give love and time to.
In order to stop focusing on others and to stop trying to control or manipulate others, they would have to develop the courage to look at themselves and face and feel their painful truths. That's the last thing they want to do. Controlling people are cowards.
It's amazing to me all these very well-articulate and smart people none of them mention that the reason people grow into full-blown malignant narcissists or bullies is because they are too afraid to be alone to face themselves and consciously feel the painful feelings triggered by their endless disastrous reenactments...
I know. They have been this way since childhood. They are the classic case of the drama of the gifted child Dr. Alice Miller describes beautifully in her book The Drama of the Gifted Child.
Walk away and let them learn the hard way. I have learned to walk away from anyone who refuses to open their eyes to see and feel.
That's exactly what they do when you are direct with them. Best thing to do is to walk away and never let them into your life again. They just waste your time.
This movie gives a great example of a malignant narcissist not being able to let go and move on.
And becomes extremely obsessed with getting revenge by going to any lengths to achieve it.
Be very careful who you let in in your life.
Resolve your own childhood repression so you are not emotionally blind by the repressed emotions of the child you once were so you can see clearly these very dangerous repressed people from a mile away and not become their victim.
Or vote for one into the highest office of the land like the United States just did.
The conversation about the effects of childhood repression in our society needs to start happening in the stage of the world, sooner rather than later, if we want to save ourselves and humanity from falling off the cliff and committing mass suicide.
Everyone is trying to change the world at the surface, especially so many people using the political machine and religion to manipulate the masses, making things worse in the long run, and no one wants to look at the root causes of how we got here?! Into this messed-up world! It’s very frustrating because trying to change the world at the surface, no matter what people do, the changes will always just be superficial and temporary.
These words by Alice Miller that I quote in my book could not be truer:
“It is not true that evil, destructiveness,
and perversion inevitably form part of
human existence, no matter how often this
is maintained. But it is true that we are
daily producing more evil and, with it, an
ocean of suffering for millions that is
absolutely avoidable. When one day the
ignorance arising from childhood
repression is eliminated and humanity
has awakened, an end can be put to the
production of evil.”
— Alice Miller, Banished Knowledge, p. 143
Education alone is just another illusion. Resolving childhood repression is the only long-term solution for people to stop following blindly political leaders. And that is a lot more difficult!!!
"I wonder how the high colleges managed to produce so many high asses." Paracelsus
As long as people's childhood repression goes unresolved -- they will be shackled into the chains of compulsion repetition -- and it doesn't matter how well anyone articulates very nice ideas... The problem is not lack of knowledge and educated people, there are plenty of educated people with intellectual knowledge, the problem is an emotional blockage with the so-called “professionals” or “educated people” hiding behind their rationalizations and seductive theories to protect themselves from having to face and feel their own emotional pain. It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths, intelligence alone is not enough --- intelligence alone just helps create seductive rationalizations, theories, illusions, and lies.
Alice Miller explains beautifully in her book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence pages 42 and 43:
"Just as in the symbiosis of the "diaper stage," there is no separation here of subject and object. If the child learns to view corporal punishment as "a necessary measure" against "wrongdoers," then as an adult he will attempt to protect himself from punishment by being obedient and will not hesitate to cooperate with the penal system. In a totalitarian state, which is a mirror of his upbringing, this citizen can also carry out any form of torture or persecution without having a guilty conscience. His "will" is completely identical with that of the government.
Now that we have seen how easy it is for intellectuals in a dictatorship to be corrupted, it would be a vestige of aristocratic snobbery to think that only "the uneducated masses" are susceptible to propaganda.
Both Hitler and Stalin had a surprisingly large number of enthusiastic followers among intellectuals.
Our capacity to resist has nothing to do with our intelligence but with the degree of access to our true self. Indeed, intelligence is capable of innumerable rationalizations when it comes to the matter of adaptation.
Educators have always known this and have exploited it for their own purposes, as the following proverb suggests: "The clever person gives in, the stupid one balks."
For example, we read in a work on child raising by Grünwald (1899): "I have never yet found willfulness in an intellectually advanced or exceptionally gifted child" (quoted in Rutschky). Such a child can, in later life, exhibit extraordinary acuity in criticizing the ideologies of his opponents--and in puberty even the views by his own parents-- because in these cases his intellectual powers can function without impairment.
Only within a group--such as one consisting of adherents of an ideology or a theoretical school--that represents the early family situation will this person on occasion still display a naïve submissiveness and uncritical attitude that completely believes his brilliance in other situations.
Here, tragically, his early dependence upon tyrannical parents is preserved, a dependence that--in keeping with the program of "poisonous pedagogy"--goes undetected.
This explains why Martin Heidegger, for example, who had no trouble in breaking with traditional philosophy and leaving behind the teachers of his adolescence, was not able to see the contradictions in Hitler's ideology that should have been obvious to someone of his intelligence. He responded to this ideology with an infantile fascination and devotion that brooked no criticism.”
Having special talents is wonderful and it’s okay to cash in your talents for a living, but when people hide behind their talents, fame, and money to hide their own personal truth and keep themselves and others distracted from the truth and facts -- then you are misusing your talents -- and contributing for the lies to spread and silently or covertly you are part of all the violence and atrocities we are witnessing in our world. So if people think they are better than others, because they have special talents, they are being delusional.
It's sad to witness all the time people falling for the illusions that formal education, talents, money, and fame is the path to freedom. Formal education, talents, money, and fame alone just reinforces the walls of people's emotional prisons.
“If we hate hypocrisy, insincerity, and mendacity, then we grant ourselves the right to fight them wherever we can or to withdraw from people who only trust in lies. But if we pretend that we are impervious to these things, then we are betraying ourselves.” Alice Miller Free from Lies: Discovering Your True Needs page 55 Alice Miller's answer below to one of her readers comes to mind:
AM: Your question is very important, but it contains the naïve assumption that we can manipulate our feelings without letting others pay the price for it. In reality, we cannot do so. You are saying here what everyone says, what we all have learned from our parents, in school, in church and even in most of the therapies: “One has to turn the page.” It is, without doubt, nice what is being suggested to us: to tell the hatred that it should go away and never ever return. We want to turn the page and live in peace.
Everyone wants this, and it would be nice if it worked. But unfortunately, it does not work. Not at all.
Why? Because rage, like all other emotions, cannot be controlled and cannot be manipulated; It dictates us something; it forces us to experience it and to understand its causes.
It can return every time when someone has hurt us, and we cannot prevent that.
Because our body cannot “turn the page” and it demands from us that we listen to it.
What we can do, though, is suppress our rage, with all its consequences: Illnesses, addiction, crimes.
When we do not want to feel our justified rage, because we already have forgiven our parents even the worst abuses, we will soon find out to our surprise that we passed on the same pains, which we endured from our parents, to our children or to others.
If we are truthful, we will not claim that we acted “for their own good” (like that beatings are “a good means of education”). Unfortunately, this is what most parents say; this is why our society is so hypocritical.
On the page “articles” you can find my text about hatred, which should be able to help you understand better what I am trying to explain here. Also, the book “The Body Never Lies” can help you to understand more. https://www.alice-miller.com/en/our-body-cannot-turn-the-page/
No, our body cannot turn the page until we consciously feel and understand all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood. And yes, until we do this others will have to pay the price for it, especially our children if we have children.
Covert or malignant narcissists can be particularly sensitive to rejection, as it threatens their fragile self-esteem and challenges their self-image. Here are some key points about what can upset them and how they may respond:
What Upsets Them
Rejection: Being ignored, criticized, or rejected can trigger intense feelings of shame and anger.
Lack of Admiration: They crave validation and admiration; not receiving it can lead to feelings of worthlessness.
Exposure: Being called out for their manipulative or harmful behavior can provoke a strong defensive reaction.
Loss of Control: Situations where they feel they are losing control or influence over others can be particularly distressing.
Responses to Rejection
Rage: They may respond with anger or rage, lashing out verbally or even physically, as a way to regain a sense of power.
Victimhood: They might adopt a victim mentality, portraying themselves as wronged or misunderstood, which can manipulate others' sympathy.
Withdrawal: Some may retreat and sulk, using passive-aggressive behavior to punish the person who rejected them.
Smear Campaigns: They may attempt to discredit the person who rejected them, spreading rumors or gossip to damage their reputation.
Flattery or Manipulation: In some cases, they might attempt to charm or manipulate the person back into their good graces, using tactics like flattery or guilt.
When their unresolved repressed shame gets triggered, they go nuclear on you! I know from experience! Here are the words I wrote to the last narcissistic in my life that triggered her shame and an explosion of rage that went nuclear on me
“I already know that! It's better to let go... one thing I have learned is that it's not worth it fighting over money! At the end of our journey where we go, we can't take our money with us anyway! What we leave behind someone else will get to use our money for good or bad, and we will not have a saying by then!!! The reality is, as long your mother is alive, she's entitled to give her money to whoever she wants, and we don't have to like it! Unless she is declared mentally insane, she can do with her money whatever she wants...”
No more! I will never again allow a narcissist to enter my life and use me like an object, family or not.
As they say: “The apple doesn't fall far from the tree” is an idiom that means a child usually has characteristics or qualities similar to those of their parents.
I know of a very close case to me that despite all the knowledge in psychology she became a full-blown malignant narcissist just like her parents and uses her intellectual knowledge in psychology to give her an advantage in the games narcissists play.
Just like many Americans were hopeful we would elect the most qualified candidate that happened to be a woman over a male demagogue. But sadly, many Americans prefer to shoot themselves in the foot and vote against themselves than vote for a woman no matter how much more qualified she is.
I too was hopeful and waited about 20 years to see the last narcissistic close to me would find the courage to choose to do her emotional work to be different from her parents, especially her mother but in the end conscious or unconscious she chose to be just like her mother and with her knowledge in psychology and with the aid of technology she is a lot more dangerous than her mother ever was.
Now, she is surprised I don't want anything to do with her.
"The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82
The narcissist gives off a false image of strength and confidence but they are a coward who can only be strong if they have others behind them. This is why they manipulate others to back them. Narcissists can't operate alone.
The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.
Dark Truth: Emotion for a narcissist equates to fuel. They want to hear you getting irritated. They want to get you annoyed. They want your voice to rise and see the tears of frustration welling your eyes. When they see this, it makes them feel so powerful.
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can develop obsessive thoughts and behaviors:
Obsessive thoughts: People with NPD may have an excessive need for approval and validation from others, which can lead to obsessive thoughts
Obsessive behaviors: People with NPD may develop compulsive behaviors.
Obsessive narcissist: A combination of NPD and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCD), this personality type can include traits like hyperfocus, ritualistic order, and single-minded determination.
People with NPD may also have other traits, including:
"Obsession with money or other external goals—such as a higher job title at work or a better car or a bigger house—is not always a good thing. Studies have shown that preoccupation with external goals can be detrimental to physical and mental health (Werner et al, 2019). It is perfectly normal to want to upgrade your phone or work towards a promotion, but there must also be an inner desire for personal growth and improvement."
Addiction greed, and obsessions, are all the same thing. Greed, obsessions, or addiction means that whatever the object of our affection is, we can never get enough of it. Addicts live in constant fear of losing the object of their affection and go to any lengths to protect it. They will lie, cheat, steal, go to war without thinking twice, and exploit others even their own children. No wonder so many young people are so angry; for when we feel used and exploited we get angry
When someone tells me they are bored it's a big red flag that this person is dangerously repressed. Being bored means that they can't find anything to their liking to distract themselves from the turmoil inside them and a target they can use as a scapegoat for projection and transference to temporarily alleviate their childhood repression. Run from people who complain about being bored.
This is why they constantly create drama to keep boredom at bay and distract themselves from themselves.
Yes, they are. They use their intellectual knowledge in psychology to advance their manipulations tactics.
We understand a lot about human motivation once we realize one thing: ninety-nine percent of humanity spends ninety-nine percent of their time trying to avoid facing and feeling painful truths.
Hurting and destroying others lives is their pain killing drug. It's an addiction that keeps their own childhood repression intact.
"Dark psychology is the use of tactics to motivate, persuade, manipulate, and coerce people to get what you want."
Pity the nation oh pity the people who allow their rights to erode and their freedoms to be washed away
My country, tears of thee
Sweet land of liberty!
One thing I made peace with is that I don't have to. I don't have to go above and beyond for others. I don't have to always be the bigger person. I don't have to fix what I didn't break. I don't have to show up for those who don't show up for me. And I definitely don't have to sacrifice my own happiness to please everyone else.
You don't always realise how much living with a narcissist affects your mental and physical health until you no longer live with them
Sleeping with the enemy" is a real phenomenon. So many people don't realize the person laying beside you is your biggest hater and the greatest threat to your emotional, mental and physical health.
Some monsters aren't underneath your bed. They're laying in it with you
Narcissists will manipulate those closest to you to take their side. That's the aim. To drive a wedge in between your support system and you. This accomplishes one goal....to isolate you from those you love. It is to get these people aligned with the Narcissists so that they are seen as the "poor victim" and you as the perpetrator. Freedom From Narcissistic And Emotional Abuse
Dear Narcissist, You might fool hundreds of people into believing that you're something which in reality you're not, but I will always be that one person who figured you out and knows who you are under all that bullshit.
Accountability is so important to me. Nobody is perfect, but ain't no way you about to convince me that my reaction to your actions is the problem.
I'm going to say this for the 1000 time. You can't help a Narcissist. They are reprobates. Distance yourself is the only way.
It isn't your job to keep the peace of those who have caused chaos in your life. Your only job is to protect your own peace and happiness at whatever cost.
I'm constantly their target but no I'm not their victim no matter how much they try.
Resolving childhood repression and becoming a seeing and a feeling person is like a double-edged sword, it protects you, but also makes you a target.
“To psychopaths, non-psychopaths are predictable suckers who can be repeatedly duped. And it’s a fun game for them. Psychopaths know they can’t change, but more importantly, psychopaths believe non-psychopaths can’t change either.”
The psychopaths/sociopaths belief that non-psychopaths, just like them, can’t change either, that’s what made the sociopaths/psychopaths at my job of nine and half years confident that they could discredit me and my book by manipulating me to self-destruct with their very well methodical orchestrated smear campaign, mind games and psychological warfare.
They had never before encountered someone like me, they didn’t believe what I wrote in my book was true, that I truly had resolved my childhood repression and I'm no longer blinded by the repressed emotions of the child i once was and therefore I could see clearly the traps they were putting in front of me to trap me and that I could not be manipulated with their lies and mind games to hurt myself.
These malignant people are among us everywhere and the numbers are growing every day. With the aid of technology these malignant people can cause a lot more damage. Our world is getting more dangerous every day.
