Narcissistic mothers are characterized by a set of psychological traits that can include a lack of empathy, self-importance, and a need for admiration. They may also have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) Some signs of NPD include arrogance, grandiosity, and an inability to understand how their actions affect others
This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood. Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned. https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Saturday, August 31, 2024
In the Mind of Narcissist Mothers
Friday, August 30, 2024
This is How Narcissists Spy on You
Tracking devices. Through flying monkeys stalking you, including your neighbors, friends, co-workers, and even family can be recruited under the guise that you must be watched for your own good. These might be extreme examples, but never underestimate what a narcissist is capable of.
https://medium.com/me-and-narcissism/how-does-a-narcissist-spy-on-an-ex-c5df112e7fb8
What Does Gaslighting Look Like at Work?
#1. They blatantly lie and deny their promises, even when you have proof.
Gaslighters often go back on their promises and deny past claims. Even worse, they tend to place the blame on the victim. For instance, say you spoke with your boss on Monday, and they approved you leaving a few minutes early on Friday to make an appointment.
Friday rolls around, and you find yourself suffering from whiplash as your boss claims, “That never happened!” and even negates your memory of the conversation (“Why would I even say that?”). If this scenario sounds familiar, there’s a good chance that your boss is gaslighting you. Likewise, if you emailed a presentation due at the end of the week (and have the "sent" receipt to prove it), a gaslighting boss might question your sanity ("I never got it!" or "Obviously you forgot") regardless of any proof you have.
#3. They trap you in a push-and-pull cycle of abusive language and praise.
Many gaslighters utilize a wound-and-soothe cycle where they alternate between inflicting harm (such as using insulting or abusive language) and positive reinforcement. This often creates a never-ending cycle of doubt where a victim ends up dismissing their negative feelings as a result of the “soothing” that follows it.
In many cases, the gaslighter will withhold positivity until the victim reaches the very brink of their breaking point, leading to an overwhelming accumulation of emotion. As you can imagine, this is extremely detrimental to a person’s confidence and emotional well-being, and can quickly lead to fatigue, burnout, and poor mental health.
#5. They make you feel like you’re never doing enough, even when you’re doing everything.
Have you ever felt that you’ve gone above and beyond to earn your superior’s approval, yet it never seems to be enough for them? Maybe they don’t seem to understand your overflowing plate, let alone the superhuman skill that was required of you to fulfill their every wish.
Regardless of how thin you stretch yourself, gaslighters are rarely satisfied. Rather, they’ll always demand more from you—even if you literally work yourself into the ground. Setting boundaries in the face of gaslighting is one of the most difficult things an employee will face, but it’s essential if you hope to prioritize your mental health and emotional well-being both inside and outside of the workplace.
Click on the link below to read more:
https://www.donatilaw.com/blog2/2022/october/6-signs-your-boss-is-gaslighting-you-at-work/
Wednesday, August 28, 2024
It is what it is
Enablers are Just as Guilty
"There are people who sit on the sidelines and watch someone else being whipped. They could step in and demand that it stops. They have the power to do so. What do they do? Nothing. The narcissist depends on these weak-willed people. Abusing people isn't so much fun if it's only a party of two.
"So, the narcissist works to get others to turn on the target. The collective betrayal, which comes from the camp of these enablers, is even more devastating than the primary source of abuse. (Very true, the collective betrayal is worse than the primary source!)
Not taking a stand to stop someone from being hurt doesn't absolve you of guilt. On the contrary, you become an active participant, whether you consider yourself one or not.
Some enablers even take it a step beyond and switch from idling in neutral to all-out support of the morally disordered person. They may even turn into "flying monkeys" who carry out small attacks, in order to stay on the bully's good side. (Totally! This has been my experience with narcissists in the workplace)
...The abuser relies upon them not to back up the target. Before any attacks begin, a morally disordered person will carefully plan the battle. This can take months, or even longer before direct hits are launched. (Yes, that's exactly what happens!)
Only if it's clear that there's an excellent chance of decimating a target, does the warfare begin. If there's a solid support system, the abuser won't make a move. (Totally! They recruit emotionally blind people they can easily manipulate to support them to destroy their target )
This means the enablers are the variable, which can either make or break a plan, and the narcissist knows this. That's why so much effort is put into creating chaos and confusion. This makes it easier for the enablers to rationalize their position. They may even begin to believe the target is getting the treatment she deserves, and that she did something to warrant the narcissist's extreme reaction." Read more in the link below:
Read more in the link below:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2020/05/narcissists-generosity#1
Sunday, August 25, 2024
Friday, August 23, 2024
5 Forbidden Secrets a Narcissist Doesn't Want You Know
1- I must mirror your morality to avoid exposure
2- I am terrified of death and disease
3- I am emotionally dead inside. I only feel fear, shame and that becomes anger
4- I am addicted to manipulating others and getting a high from your pain
5- I have superstitious beliefs that I feel will help me control other people
WHEN I SAW THE EVIL OF THE NARCISSIST, MY HEART SANK I KEPT WISHING AND HOPING IT WASN'T TRUE, IT WAS,
An argument with a narcissist is...
Talking in circles.
Bringing up the past.
Interrupting and talking over you.
Never being accountable.
Talking down and insulting you.
Having no interest in resolution.
Not caring how you feel.
Tricking you. Putting you on defense. Storming off or staring at you blankly
The biggest waste of time.
Narcissists never learn. All they do is practice mind control techniques that come naturally to them. They must capture vulnerable hosts to feed off them and then control them. All this comes second nature to them.
Yep!
Yes, they hate us because we are genuine and authentic. What we have cannot be bought with money and cannot be stolen.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2016/06/sociopaths-hate-us.html?m=1
You cannot communicate with a narcissist who is dedicated to misunderstanding you. Conversations turn circular and it is a waste of time.
NARCISSISTS MAKE TERRIBLE PARENTS. THEY LACK THE BASIC EMPATHY AND SELFLESS NATURE THAT LOVING PARENTING REQUIRES. THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM MEETING THEIR OWN NEEDS FIRST BEFORE THEIR CHILDREN'S NEEDS AND FEEL COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED IN THEIR ACTIONS. NARCISSISTS CREATE VALID RESENTMENT IN THEIR CHILDREN AND LATER ON IN LIFE, WONDER WHY THEY HAVE NO AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR ADULT CHILDREN. CHRONIC SELFISHNESS AND PARENTING DO NOT GO TOGETHER
No, boundaries with an abusive person don't work. Cut your losses and walk away as soon as possible...
Very true! They know they will never be emotionally free and they don't want me to be free either. They use every trick in the book to bring me back into an emotional prison. I'm free and I'm staying free.
One underlying emotion all covert/overt narcissists have is ENVY. they can't stand anyone who's better than them in any way. they hate even more when people are able to do better without the narcissist.
Thursday, August 22, 2024
6 Types of People you Can Not Trust
6 types of people you can not trust:
1. A person who disguises insults as jokes.
2. A person who will never take accountability but has no problem always blaming you.
3. A person who says they want the best for you, but then works against you.
4. A person's whose words and actions don't match.
5. You can't trust a person who puts seeds of doubt in you, disguised as something else, like concern for you.
6. You can't trust a person who always tries to sabotage you, or make things harder for you. But always has an excuse for everything.
Yes, it is evil.
No, they don't care. They only care about their image and exploiting others for narcissistic supply.
Very true! But I don't get angry anymore. I have learned to walk away or distance myself from anyone that tells and believes in lies.
I know they hate authentic people. They want to corrupt us to become like them.
I know!
Wednesday, August 21, 2024
6 Red Flags To Instantly Recognize Bad Leadership
2. Managers who need to control everything
This person micromanages down to the last detail. The work environment is suffocating because they need to control every decision. They don't trust the team and refuse to delegate. There's no room for discussion or input because their management style is all about control. Creativity and learning new things? Forget about it. Loyal employees just end up following orders without finding any real meaning in their jobs.
3. Managers who triangulate
Picture a sensitive situation in which a manager does not communicate directly with a subordinate or peer but gladly reaches out to communicate with a third person, which can lead to that person (who may not even be involved in the situation) becoming part of the problem. Sometimes, this manager will even play the two people against each other. Welcome to triangulating. This is a dysfunctional pattern by managers who don't have the courage to deal directly with an issue and communicate effectively to diffuse the situation.
To read all 6 red flags click on the link below:
https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/6-red-flags-to-instantly-recognize-bad-leadership.html
Yes, they love a challenge! That's why I have been constantly targeted by malignant narcissists since I published my book A Dance to Freedom, how dear of me to publish a book sharing my life experiences and psychological discoveries. With their lies and mind games, they hope I lose my mind and prove that I'm fake like them so they can feel superior. But coming after me they expose themselves and they end up being the ones to eventually lose their minds... once you have truly resolved your childhood repression you are no longer blinded by the repressed emotions of the child you once were. You see very clearly the lies, mind games, and the traps malignant narcissists set up for you to fall into. Once a mind is truly free, it can never be captured again. I'm free and I'm staying free.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2023/03/hard-evidence-of-my-ex-boss-being.html?m=1
"Alongside reactive hatred of the parents and latent hatred deflected onto scapegoats, there is also the justified hatred for a person tormenting us in the present, either physically or mentally, a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome." Alice Miller
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2021/10/what-is-hatred.html?m=1
These words Alice Miller wrote to me come truer every day: “Thank you for your thoughtful letter I agree with you that there is a difference between the powerless, legitimate rage of a desperate child that reacts to the cruelty of their parents and the rage of the adult who is attacking others out of denial of their history by imitating the behavior of own parents from the position of "power" (even grandiosity). The first rage (of the child) should be felt and expressed in therapy, it can then be RESOLVED. The second one (of the adult), directed toward scapegoats, can NEVER be resolved (see dictators). If therapists see it as an end point of their therapies and don’t enable the patients to confront the early parents and the feelings of that time they do much HARM to them. Staying trapped in the hatred toward scapegoats can't be the successful end of a therapy. I hope that you can continue your work if you have this difference in mind and can also explain it in your forum."
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/05/scapegoating.html?m=1
How arrogance is created
From the book: "Pictures Of A Childhood" by Alice Miller
Sunday, August 18, 2024
Why Narcissists Lack Empathy
Narcissists are the classic case of the Drama of Gifted Child that Alice Miller explains beautifully in her book The Drama of the Gifted Child.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2016/02/quotes-from-book-drama-of-gifted-child.html?m=1
Once people have grown into full blown malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths there's nothing anyone can do to help them. But we must do all we can to protect ourselves from such dangerous people. "The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82
These people NOW they rather destroy others or kill and be killed than face and feel their own painful truths.
Psychopaths Masters at Deceiving
"...because he is, like every psychopath, not at all interested in understanding himself, only in controlling, misleading and manipulating others. Obviously, he was also successful in deceiving his lawyer when they talked who now believes, as an inexperienced layperson, that Fritzl belongs into a psychiatric clinic but not into jail. It would be very naĂ¯ve and calamitous to follow this idea because it would mean to deliver Fritzl a giant stage where he could masterfully deceive the stuff and fellow patients and thus harm them."
AM: Thank you so much for your important letter. The short report of the Independent explains FULLY the behavior of Joseph Fritzl. In an eerily precise way, he has staged what happened to him as a child: His mother was his SOLE RULER, because his father was not there for balance. She has beaten him daily, she owned him completely so that he did not have helping witnesses where he could have noticed how badly off he was, the more so as she obviously provided conscientiously for his food. He was forced into total obedience and had to bear daily the constant violations through his mother, had to be grateful, too, for the provision of clothes and food, could maybe fulfill small wishes in secret and was proud of his slyness and inventive zest for lying and disguise. His life happened hidden in secret, like it does now in the power of the police force. In the same manner, he has organized his daughter’s situation in order to hold up the denial of the suffering of his childhood. His lawyer talks about his “good sides,” just as Fritzl would probably talk about the “good sides” of his mother that enslaved him as completely as he now has demonstrated it to the whole world. Fritzl has shown the world what can happen later to a child who was TOTALLY deprived of his freedom by his single mother “educating” him wih fists by herself, a child who has no witness, who has to be grateful to his, who may never contradict her and who for years impounds secretly wishes of revenge until he can satisfy them years later in a series of rapes of women without ever getting enough. Because revenge does not grant satisfaction and demands again and again new restagings. Even vacations in Thailand were necessary for this purpose. If one would ask Fritzl now, what his childhood was like, he would probably praise his mother and her care and not yet have realized that he grew up in a prison where his muscles, to be sure, were obviously well nourished, but where his brain was comfused and poisoned through the contempt of his dignity. I can hardly imagine that this single, power-hungry and brutal mother did NOT use her small son for her sexual wishes and thus only increased the confusion (what is love and what is meanness?) in his brain. In this way, perversions develop, which pose riddles for us if we don’t have the courage to take seriously the childhood histories.
The deduction of the crimes from the denied childhood-situation is in no way meant to alleviate Joseph Fritzl’s guilt and to invoke pity. As an adult, he is fully responsible for all his crimes and deserves the greatest punishments for committing them. His masterful skillfulness in deceiving and manipulating the police and other authorities as well as his extreme sadism show that he proceeded methodically. So he exhibits strong psychopathic traits. There are hardly any signs for a positive prognosis through effective psychotherapy by acknowledging the truth about his childhood because he is, like every psychopath, not at all interested in understanding himself, only in controlling, misleading and manipulating others. Obviously, he was also successful in deceiving his lawyer when they talked who now believes, as an inexperienced layperson, that Fritzl belongs into a psychiatric clinic but not into jail. It would be very naĂ¯ve and calamitous to follow this idea because it would mean to deliver Fritzl a giant stage where he could masterfully deceive the stuff and fellow patients and thus harm them.
https://www.alice-miller.com/en/amstetten-about-the-childhood-of-josef-fritzl/
Once we are adults only we can save ourselves and anyone that tells us otherwise is fooling us with false hopes and promises.
Alice Miller was driven to write her books to warn society of the dangers of childhood repression to save the children of the future and help us to face and resolve our own repression.
This is why it’s so important for people to face their own repression before having children or at least become aware of their own childhood repression before their children become teenagers and adults, because it’s not the trauma itself that causes long-term damage, but the repressed emotions caused by trauma that causes long term damage and if parents became aware of the damage done before their children became teenagers or adults, then they can help their children express their true feelings of anger, fear and hurt, because the children are still emotionally dependent on their parents, but once the children become teenagers or adults the defense mechanisms and walls have been built and it’s out of the parents' hands, they can become the most conscious parents, but it will be too late, because they can’t force the teenagers and adult children remove the walls to face and feel their childhood repression, if they don’t wish to do so. To warn us, Alice Miller made herself very vulnerable to all the full-blown malignant narcissists, sociopaths, bad players, psychopaths, assholes, or whatever you like to call NOW these very evil people in the world -- her courage is astonishing!
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-courage-of-alice-miller-was.html?m=1
Saturday, August 17, 2024
Fair Game
Tuesday, August 13, 2024
Tactics Narcissists Use to Groom You
People with narcissistic disorder are actually using mind control and brainwashing techniques to control those around them into giving them what they want. They will use lies, bits of disconnected truths, physical force, sex, emotional manipulation, mental torture, sexual abuse and combinations of these things to keep their victims in line. This goes way beyond wanting the occasional compliment. It really is pathological! The better ones can go undetected for years, for example, abusing the family at home, but seeming to be very friendly and helpful outside. Or they can wreak havoc in the workplace, climbing the corporate ladder very rapidly while destroying the careers and reputations of the competition.
Machiavellians generally share the following behaviors and traits:
1. Manipulation
Machiavellians lie, cheat, and flatter to get their way. They are long-term planners and calculated strategists, able to read people and to use their fears or weaknesses against them. They will bend rules, trick people, and fake sympathy to gain favors, McIntosh says. They can be charming at first but later resort to more aggressive tactics like bullying. Overall, they lack morals and are more than willing to cause harm to get what they want. (Here is how to recognize manipulation, for what it's worth.)
2. Self-interest
Ever the cynic, Machiavellians believe that everyone is acting in their own self-interest, so they do not form close relationships and do not trust easily. Money and power mean more to them than relationships with people. They can be incredibly disloyal, as their determination can lead them to ignore social pacts or bonds of trust. This trait also distinguishes them from the other two Dark Triad types (narcissists and psychopaths), as they do not necessarily have to be the center of attention. (yes, money, control, and power that all they care about)
3. Deceit
Machiavellians understand that having information is useful. They often do not share information with others unless it is in their favor to do so. They may manipulate otherwise innocuous information and can be very crafty about taking information out of context.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-games-people-play.html
4. Unemotional
Machiavellians lack empathy and compassion. Generally, they are neither able to identify their own emotions nor recognize those of others, which is part of what enables them to be so willing to do truly anything they deem necessary to achieve their goals, even at other people's expense. Despite their strength in manipulating others, past research suggests Machiavellians actually tend to be less emotionally intelligent.
5. Ambition
Machiavellians are highly ambitious, and they'll use control and manipulation to achieve those ambitions. A 2016 study evaluating Machiavellianism among supervisors found these personality types make abusive and aloof managers, with the abuse becoming most prevalent when in a perceived position of power in the workplace. The researchers consider that power may be an amplifier that draws out the Machiavellian's preexisting behavioral predispositions, emotions, and beliefs.
6. Competition
Machiavellians are highly competitive, so they view everyone as adversaries. They are willing to take a back seat or be a team player at times when doing so is to their advantage. Machiavellians are sensitive to the power dynamics in social contexts and can switch between cooperative and competitive tactics.
Read more in the link below:
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/machiavellianism
Judge People by Their Character
Bill Cosby is a great example of that!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/11/24/as-a-cosby-fixer-comes-out-of-the-shadows-so-does-an-explanation/
These words Alice Miller wrote to one of her readers came to mind: "I was distressed to the core when I read your letter for which I thank you wholeheartedly. At the same time, I felt a sort of gratefulness for the fate that helped the lively, brave and bright little girl not only to survive the terrible jail of her horrific parents but also to remain sound to keep the full clarity and the unusual courage in order TO SEE and TO ACCUSE, without „buts,“ without illusions, without self-betrayal. This stance can only very rarely be encountered, and your letter will certainly help others to recognize their own situation and to forgo the „buts.“ If you have no objections, we can publish your letter also in English and French. I would like to do this because here, the child has the strength to also speak for countless other children who are forced to bear the more or less visible delusions of their parents for years and to experience that as NORMAL. Formed by this ignorance, they often remain blind for the suffering of children during their whole lives and still recommend physical punishment. They work for senseless „research,“ for the pharmaceutical industry, organize wars, produce cruel movies and don’t know at all that they still „live“ in the prison of their sick parents because they never had the courage to see through their parents’ delusions and thus continue to poison the world with the toxin that they had to swallow as children."
"It is a great mistake to imagine that one can resolve traumas in a symbolic fashion. If that were possible, poets, painters, and other artists would be able to resolve their pain through creativity. This is not the case, however. Creativity helps us channel the pain of trauma into symbolic acts; it doesn't help us resolve it. If symbolic revenge for maltreatment received in childhood were effective, then dictators would eventually stop humiliating and torturing their fellow human beings. As long as they choose to deceive themselves about who really deserves their hatred, however, and as long as they go on feeding that hatred in symbolic form instead of experiencing and resolving it within the context of their own childhood, their hunger for revenge will remain insatiable (see Miller 1990a).” read more here