This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
I have been a victim of a ponzi scheme and had to start over from *zero* at the age of 46 years old.
I have been very lucky to have been able to rebuild my life, own my home and be able to retire in a few years.
Now, I can see behind the pretty masks people wear to deceive others and recognize a con artist from a mile away.
It was an expensive lesson. I was supposed to retire in my forties but instead I'm retiring in my sixties. I feel very lucky that I achieved the American dream not once but twice.
What Is a Ponzi Scheme?
A Ponzi scheme is an investment scam that pays early investors with money taken from later investors to create an illusion of big profits. A Ponzi scheme promises a high rate of return with little risk to the investor. It relies on word-of-mouth, as new investors hear about the big returns earned by early investors. Inevitably, the scheme collapses when the flow of new money slows, making it impossible to keep up the payments of alleged profits.
I used to blame myself. I no longer blame myself or anyone else. I have arrived. It was a long journey, though.
Whoever said it’s the journey, not the destination, they have not arrived, sure the journey was an adventure, sometimes very hard and painful and sometimes a lot of fun! But the destination is pure ecstasy!
When reading a book, an article, or talking with people, the moment I spot the lie, I lose interest...
Once lit, the flame of truth will never go out. Plato
My only dream in this world is to make a safer world for children and animals. But it's not possible when many people are sociopaths, psychopaths, malignant narcissists, assholes, or whatever like to call these evil people, that don't care about anyone else but themselves. They only want good things for themselves and have pleasure in the suffering of others. Their sadism and hypocrisy are disgusting.
There are two kinds of people, those that think: I don't want others to suffer as I did. And those that think: I suffered and I want others to suffer too.
A reminder of how shitty life can get. Life isn't exactly a Gift
Life can be fun if we manage to liberate ourselves from the emotional prison we were born in
"Psychopaths are bullies who do not like when people stand up to them. They feel perfectly entitled to push boundaries, criticize, abuse, and lie. But god forbid someone to call them out on this behavior, suddenly you become enemy #1. In order to divert the blame, they'll immediately twist it around on you, so suddenly you're on the defense and the focus is shifted away from them. Their hypocrisy will be so unbelievable that you won't even know where to begin. They'll accuse you of doing things they're actually doing, all in an attempt to drag you into a chaotic distraction. Psychopaths are bullies, and bullies are too cowardly to fight fair battles."
"Resolving childhood repression is the vaccine against the charlatans of the world who exploit those who are still emotionally blinded by the unresolved, repressed emotions of the children they once were."
-- Sylvie Imelda Shene quote from my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions page 172
Nothing will ever change in this world as long people believe the pretty seductive lies of charlatans
Until people resolve childhood repression, will always be the same shit different asshole!
The true tragedy of life comes from those who manipulate, swindle and use others' empathy and compassion as an opportunity to benefit themselves.
I know evil! I see it everywhere masquerading as human, acting as if personality, pretending to be good, caring, and loving. Only shows its true colors when no one is watching...
"There's no job better than another...every honest job is worthwhile..."
Some people, if they had everything taken away from them, and had to start life again at 46 years old, as I did, would rather kill and be killed than walk away, start over and be free!
Most people are full of illusions, and money by itself is the biggest illusion of them all...
It's sad to witness on the stage of the world so many symbolic fights but no single person mentions CHILDHOOD REPRESSION as the root of all our problems
“It's Easier to Fool People Than It Is to Convince Them That They Have Been Fooled.” – Mark Twain
“If we were always punished by our parents for the slightest offense, then we integrated a very different kind of knowledge: that owning up to our mistakes is dangerous because it loses us the affection of our parents. The legacy from this experience can be permanent feelings of guilt.” Alice Miller
All cult leaders political or non-political are followed by emotionally blind people.
The red flags are always there warning me, so when people decide to show their true colors, I'm not too surprised!
Until we understand to the core of our being that one man/woman or another will never be the answer to our difficulties, we will remain prisoners of our own patterns of addictive relating. Life improves in direct relation to the degree to which we become more true to ourselves. The less we need a partner, the better partner we become.
"Genuine feelings cannot be produced, nor can they be eradicated. We can only repress them, delude ourselves, and deceive our bodies. The body sticks to the facts and never lies. ...If the repression stays unresolved, the parents’ childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children” - Alice Miller
"The attempt to be an ideal parent, that is, to behave correctly toward the child, to raise her correctly, not to give too little or too much, is, in essence, an attempt to be the ideal child---well behaved and dutiful---of one own parents. But as a result of these efforts, the needs of the child go unnoticed. I cannot listen to my child with empathy if I am inwardly preoccupied with being a good mother; I cannot be open to what she is telling me. This can be observed in various parental attitudes." Alice Miller
What we have known in our family of origin will always be most comfortable to us, no matter how unhealthy that family of origin was.
"Yes, we can say this without any hesitation. Every behavior that is directed against the health of a person, that hinders the healthy functioning of the body and mind, is a repetition of once-endured mistreatment, neglect, confusion, lies, betrayal, perverted practices, and the exploitation of the child." Alice Miller
People want to build walls to protect themselves from external evil and they don't realize, that they will be destroyed by the evil within.
"Without memories of childhood, it is as if you were doomed to drag a big box around you, though you don’t know what’s in it. And the older you get, the heavier it becomes, and the more impatient you are to finally open the thing." ---Jurek Becker
Let's make it clear if you are an adult and you feel abandoned when another person leaves you. You are stuck in childhood without realizing it because only children are abandoned -- adults are left not abandoned -- If we are able to understand and consciously feel this feeling of feeling abandoned within the context of our own childhood -- we will grow ourselves up into a conscious mature adult -- and we will never again suffer when people leave or ignore us.
"Those children who are beaten will, in turn, give beatings, those who are intimidated will be intimidating, those who are humiliated will impose humiliation, and those whose souls are murdered will murder.
...Children who are lectured to, learn how to lecture; if they are admonished, they learn how to admonish; if scolded, they learn how to scold; if ridiculed, they learn how to ridicule; if humiliated, they learn how to humiliate; if their psyche is killed, they will learn how to kill--the only question is who will be killed: oneself, others, or both." -- Alice Miller above excerpt from Pedagogy Fills the Needs of Parents, Not of Children.
From the book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller
"Morality and performance of duty are artificial measures that become necessary when something essential is lacking.
The more successfully a person was denied access to his or her feelings in childhood, the larger the arsenal of intellectual weapons and the supply of moral prostheses has to be, because morality and a sense of duty are not sources of strength or fruitful soil for genuine affection.
Blood does not flow in artificial limbs; they are for sale and can serve many masters.
What was considered good yesterday can---depending on the decree of government or party---be considered evil and corrupt today, and vice versa. But those who have spontaneous feelings can only be themselves.
They have no other choice if they want to remain true to themselves. Rejection, ostracism, loss of love, and name-calling will not fail to affect them; they will suffer as a result and will dread them, but once they have found their authentic self they will not want to lose it. And when they sense that something is being demanded of them to which their whole being says no, they cannot do it. They simply cannot."
During the ascendancy of control phase, the emotional abuser essentially acted to inhibit his victim’s powers of reasoning and critical judgment. In the next phase, through a strategic series of commands, he provokes feelings, acts, and reactions.
If the opponent can “outdo” his rival in abusive defense strategies, the battle can only end in the surrender of the less perverse of the two.
The abuser tries to make the victim act against him so he can denounce her as “evil.” What’s crucial is that she seems responsible for what happened. He uses a weakness---a depressive, hysterical, or temperamental tendency--- over-exaggerates this trait, and then leads the victim on to discredit herself. Pushing the other into making mistakes allows the abuser to criticize and tear her down, but even more, reinforces her poor self-image and guilt.
When the victim loses control, the abuser simply injects a small dose of provocation and contempt to obtain a reaction and later reproaches her for it. If, for example, the reaction is anger, he makes sure that everyone sees it. On occasion, an outsider might even feel compelled to call the police. One even sees cases of abusers egging their victims on: “poor thing, you can’t expect anything from life; I don’t know why you haven’t jumped out the window!” It’s easy after that for the abuser to make the victim a mental case.
The victim needs to act, but because she is blocked by the hold over her, she can only find her freedom in an extreme gesture. To an outsider, any impulsive action, especially a violent one, is considered pathological. The person's reaction to provocation seems responsible for the crises. Guilt in the eyes of the abuser; she appears like the aggressor to outsiders, who don’t understand that she can no longer live trapped in a horrible situation. Whatever she does, she can’t set herself free: if she reacts, she is responsible for starting the conflict, and if she doesn’t react, the deadly stalking of her soul continues.
While the victim dwells on her guilt, the abuser benefits from the situation, making sure to cast himself as the victim.
Justification becomes impossible when nothing is said and no reproach is made. Desperate to find a solution to this horrifying impasse, the victim may be tempted in turn to use innuendo and manipulation. The relationship then becomes ambiguous: who is the abuser and who is the victim.
As he drives his victim to destruction, the abuser gets that much more pleasure from pointing out her weakness or unleashing her violence. He makes her feel debased and unworthy. Depending on her reaction, she is described as temperamental and neurotic, alcoholic, or suicidal. The victim feels defenseless and tries to justify herself as if she were, in fact, guilty. The abuser’s pleasure doubles: he bamboozles or humiliates his victim and subsequently rubs her nose in her humiliation.
The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.
His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.
All abusers, sexual or emotional, try to drag others into their orbit and distort the rules. Their destructive capability depends on the propaganda they disseminate among victims’ families, friends, and associates, showing to what extent the victims are “evil” and that it is, therefore, normal to blame them. Sometimes they succeed and seduce allies by ridiculing and scorning moral values. Not leading others into a circle of violence means failure for abusers and, therefore, becomes the only way to stop the spread of the abusive process."
From the book Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie –France Hirigoyen page, 120, 121, and 122
“Authoritarian personalities are ones that “kiss above and kick below”, in other words, they are loyal to their leaders, but will attack those of lower rank. They also protect their “in-group” and attack the “out-group”. Social Dominance Orientation (SDO) personalities, on the other hand, tend to be those who lead the authoritarians, they are more interested in being on top.”
"What can you do?
Unfortunately, this is a type of personality disorder, and there is little you can do when working for or with this type of person. If you are working for this person long term, you need to leave the organization or company as soon as possible. Their negativity will be extremely stressful and ultimately do damage to your career.
Do not think you can talk to the person and ask them to consider changing. They do not allow anyone to challenge them, and they despise admitting mistakes. In fact, if you are questioning their decisions or behavior, they have already put a plan in motion to whisper about your own competency or value to the company or organization."
Once we give power to these very dangerously repressed malignant personalities, they will never give up power without destroying the livelihoods of many innocent beings and mass destruction. As we are witnessing with Putin and many times before with past dictators. When will the masses wake up and stop giving power to these dangerously repressed malignant personalities?
Let's make it clear holding information that can be helpful to others is a form of lying and is abuse. Being a passive liar is just as destructive as the people speaking out loud lies. Lies are the fuel that fuels conflict and wars. We are all responsible for every conflict and war in this world.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2022/03/lies-is-fuel-that-creates-wars.html?m=1
"The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82
“Humiliations, spankings, and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away.
However, as adults, most abused children will suffer, and let others suffer, from these injuries. This dynamic of violence can deform some victims into hangmen who take revenge even on whole nations and become willing executors to dictators as unutterably appalling as Hitler and other cruel leaders.
Dictators and the dynamics of cruelty
Every dictator torments his people in the same way he was tormented as a child. The humiliations inflicted on these dictators in adult life had nothing like the same influence on their actions as the emotional experiences they went through in their early years.
Those years are “formative” in the truest sense: in this period the brain records or “encodes” emotions without (usually) being able to recall them at will.
As almost every dictator denies his sufferings (his former total helplessness in the face of brutality) there is no way that he can truly come to terms with them.
Instead, he will have a limitless craving for scapegoats on whom he can avenge himself for the fears and anxieties of childhoodwithout having to re-experience those fears.
“The Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu knew nothing of the way he suffered as a child from having been pent up in one room with ten brothers and sisters in a state of extreme neglect.
As an adult living in the monomaniacal opulence of luxurious palaces, he repressed all explicit memory of it. But implicit (body) memories of his childhood suffering remained, and they incited him to take vengeance on a whole nation.
Like his own mother, the women in this dictatorship were not allowed to have abortions. Like his own parents, most couples in Romania were forced to have more children than they wanted or were able to take for.
As a result, Romanian orphanages were full to bursting with youngsters displaying severe behavioral disorders and disabilities caused by extreme neglect.
Who needed all those children? No one. Only the dictator himself, whose unconscious memories spurred him to commit atrocities and whose mental barriers prevented him from recognizing them as atrocities. "
Taken from the book “The Truth Will Set You Free” by Alice Miller
"I designate as pessimistic the thought that we are far more dependent than our pride would like to admit on individual human beings (and not only on institutions!), for a single person can gain control over the masses if he learns to use to his own advantage the system under which they were raised. People who have been "pedagogically" manipulated as children are not aware as adults of all that can be done to them. Like the individual authoritarian father, leader figures, in whom the masses see their own father, actually embody the avenging child who needs the masses for his own purposes (of revenge). And this second form of dependence--the dependence of the "great leader" on his childhood, on the unpredictable nature of the unintegrated, enormous potential for hatred within him--is decidedly a very great danger." Taken from the book "For Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in child-rearing and the Roots of Violence" by Alice Miller (page 243)
A great danger indeed
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.
...Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
"Children who are told the truth and are not brought up to tolerate lies and cruelty can develop as freely as a plant whose roots have not been attacked by pests (in our case, lies)" Alice Miller
The great malady of our society, implicated in all our troubles and affecting us individually and socially, is the idealization of our parents and childhood and the denial of childhood suffering. When we idealize our parents and childhood and deny childhood suffering, it does not go away. It appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence, greed, deceit, and loss of meaning. Our temptation is to isolate these symptoms or try to eradicate them one by one, but the root problem is the idealization of our parents and childhood and the denial of childhood suffering.
The Narcissism Doctor: “1 in 6 People Are Narcissists!” How to Spot Them & Can They Change?
Quotes from the Book The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
“Many people who can tolerate the loss of beauty, health, youth, or loved ones and, although they grieve, do so without depression. In contrast, there are those with great gifts, often precisely the most gifted, who do suffer from severe depression. For one is free from it only when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of one ‘own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 34
“If the repression stays unresolved, the parents’ childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children”Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 23
"The grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail." Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 36
“We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves. We can only try to behave as if we were loving, but this hypocritical behavior is the opposite of love. It is confusing and deceptive, and it produces much helpless rage in the deceived person. This rage must be repressed in the presence of the pretended “love,” especially if one is dependent, as a child is, on the person who is masquerading in this illusion of love.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 23
“It is precisely because a child’s feelings are so strong that they cannot be repressed without serious consequences. The stronger a prisoner is, the thicker the prison walls have to be, and unfortunately, these walls also impede or completely prevent later emotional growth. “Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 58
“No one can heal by maintaining or fostering illusion. The paradise of preambivalent harmony, for which so many patients hope, is unattainable. But the experience of one’s own truth, and the postambivalent knowledge of it, make it possible to return to one’s own world of feeling at the adult level---without paradise, but with the ability to mourn. And this ability does, indeed, give us back our vitality.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 14
“Several mechanisms can be recognized in the defense against early feelings of abandonment. In addition to simple denial, we usually find the exhausting struggle to fulfill the old, repressed, and by now often perverted needs with the help of symbols (cults, sexual perversions, groups of all kinds, alcohol, or drugs). Intellectualization is very commonly encountered as well, since it is a defense mechanism of great power.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 11
“A child can only experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her. If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love or the love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress her emotions. She cannot even experience them secretly, “just for herself”; she will fail to experience them at all. But they will nevertheless stay in her body, in her cells, stored up as information that can be triggered by a later event. “Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 9
“Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and the unique history of our childhood.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 1
“As adults, we don’t need unconditional love, not even from our therapist. This is a childhood need, that can never be fulfilled later in life, and we are playing with illusions if we have never mourned this lost opportunity. But there are other things we can get from a good therapist: reliability, honesty, respect, trust, empathy, understanding, and an ability to clarify their emotions so that they need not bother us with them. If a therapist promises unconditional love, we must protect ourselves from him, from his hypocrisy and lack of awareness” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 45
This is exactly what happens in many families -- and later reenacted in the workplace -- this is how the workplace everywhere becomes a toxic work environment -- What happens in families, it happens in the countries, what happens in the countries, it happens in the stage of the world. Narcissism is an epidemic
Many people what they fear the most is not the darkness, but the light. In the darkness, they can carry on with all their dirty tricks.
"To be free to express resentment dating back to early childhood does not mean that one now becomes a resentful person, but rather the exact opposite." Alice Miller
To a malignant narcissist, it is a dog-eat-dog world in which there are only winners (predators) and losers (prey) with nothing in between. In their eyes, the end justifies the means, so they will manipulate, exploit, and deceive to accomplish their goals.
They are often pathological liars, telling fanciful stories of their achievements and ruthlessly lying about their true intentions.
Malignant narcissists are often successful because of their ability to adapt, work hard, and deceive. But even if they appear to be acting virtuously, their true aim is to gain admiration, attention, and power – by any means possible.
Shallow Relationships and Intellect
Although they may successfully love bomb and seduce others to fall for them, they are incapable of having deep and intimate relationships. They will only love and care for someone else if that person can fulfill their narcissistic needs. But once they have fulfilled a purpose, they are devalued and discarded.
...Kernberg also suggests that they project the unresolved hatred they feel for themselves onto others, consequently mistreating and/or dismissing them.
They either idealize or devalue others, believing anyone who does not admire and submit to them is an enemy and must be destroyed.
Idealization and Devaluation
Initially (especially when they are trying to win you over), malignant narcissists can be charming, loving, and seductive. They will idealize you, putting you on a pedestal and making you feel special and wanted.
But once they notice any flaws (because we all have them) or you challenge their authority or grandiose fantasies in any way, you become “bad” in their eyes.
Because of their black-and-white thinking, they can no longer see any good in you; they now see you as a threat or enemy and feel entitled to devalue and abuse you.
This behavior is confusing and highly distressing because someone who made you feel so good about yourself now acts as though they despise you.
Emotional Abuse and Manipulation
Malignant narcissists are skilled at manipulating others to meet their own needs. They will make you believe their façade is real, that their stories of success and power are true, and that they really are the partner of your dreams.
The gaslighting, hot-and-cold behavior, stonewalling, blame-shifting, and victim-playing start to creep into the relationship without you even realizing.
They skillfully manipulate you into believing you are the problem – telling you “you are jealous/ broken/ crazy/ a bad person” – until over time you start to believe it. They will never take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, blaming their problems and wrongdoings on you. "
In this Interview "The feeling child" with Alice Miller by Diane Connors for OMNI Publications International March 1987 --- Dr. Alice Miller says:
"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life you'll try to earn love.
In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him.
The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.
I try to reach the child in the readers, allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, images. In this way I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.
In my first studies I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.
If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat."
It's interesting to me how many write great articles describing the minds of low-quality people, malignant people, or narcissists, but no one ever talks about the repressed emotions and why some people become malignant.
Some people become malignant because they are not at all interested in understanding themselves, only in controlling, misleading, and manipulating others.
It's not the traumas themselves that cause us long-term harm. It's the repressed emotions that cause us harm throughout our lives.
As long as people are too afraid to face their own painful truths and consciously feel the repressed emotions of the child they once were within the context of their own childhood, they will be driven by the dead hand of their own repression into the state of repetitive compulsion to endless reenact their disastrous childhood dramas and no matter what anyone says or does, or how well someone articulates great ideas and pretty theories -- nothing matters in this world -- humanity is on the path to self-destruct -- and with the aid of technology -- it's going to self-destruct much faster -- humanity it's doomed. And there is nothing anyone can do or say to change this.
The body never lies, It sticks to the facts.
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge. ..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
"9 signs someone is a low-quality person, according to psychology
2) They lack empathy
Another key sign of a low-quality person is a consistent lack of empathy.
Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, is a fundamental trait of high-quality individuals. It allows us to connect with others on a deep level and fosters meaningful relationships.
I remember an experience I had with a colleague a few years ago. We were working on a project together, and I had just received some bad news about a family member’s health. I was visibly upset, but instead of showing any concern or offering words of comfort, my colleague simply said, “Well, we still have work to do.”
This lack of empathy was not only shocking but also deeply hurtful. It was a clear demonstration that they were more interested in the project than my well-being.
When someone consistently fails to empathize with others, it’s likely a sign that they’re not the type of person you want in your life.
8) They’re always playing the victim
Playing the perpetual victim is another common trait of low-quality individuals. These are people who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and instead blame others for their misfortunes.
They often feel the world is against them, and they are forever caught in a cycle of misfortune that is never their fault. They fail to recognize that their actions and decisions contribute to their circumstances.
This constant victim mentality can be draining for those around them and shows a lack of self-awareness and responsibility, crucial elements of high-quality individuals.
9) They lack personal growth
Personal growth is a lifelong journey and a sign of a high-quality individual. Those who lack the willingness to grow, learn, and change are often stuck in their ways, unwilling to admit their shortcomings or seek improvement.
This stagnation can affect all areas of their life, from personal relationships to professional advancement. It shows a lack of ambition and contentment with mediocrity.
Remember, the desire for personal growth is not about being perfect; it’s about acknowledging that there’s always room for improvement. A person unwilling to grow is likely not the high-quality individual you want in your life.
Final thought: It’s about growth and respect
As we navigate through life, the relationships we form and the people we surround ourselves with play a significant role in shaping our experiences.
Recognizing the signs of low-quality individuals is not about labeling or judging others. Rather, it’s about understanding the behaviors that can harm our well-being and impede our growth.
At the heart of this understanding is a simple but profound concept: respect. Respect for ourselves, respect for others, and respect for the shared spaces we inhabit.
Remember, it’s not about finding perfect individuals. After all, we’re all a work in progress. But it’s about identifying those who are willing to grow, learn, and treat others with kindness and respect.
As you move forward, keep these signs in mind. Make room in your life for high-quality individuals who uplift you, inspire you, and respect you for who you are."
Six reasons people stay in narcissistic relationships.
5. We’ve gotten hooked on the push-and-pull Relationships with a narcissist have many highs and lows. “The common characteristic of all kinds of narcissistic love is mania,” said Dinić. Narcissism is often associated with a “game-playing love style.” One minute, our partner may be making us feel like the center of their universe. The next, we may seem like their last priority. A narcissist may give us little attention when we’re there for them, but confront us with big emotions when we’re not.
While we may feel overwhelmed, confused, or frustrated by this dynamic, we can also get hooked on it. The push and pull from the other person can make them more alluring. We may believe we need that passionate, exciting love back to feel worthy within ourselves. As one partner of a narcissist described it to me, “If I can get her to love me, then I am truly special.”
Because we feel lost and like we have nothing without the other person, we may stay with them and keep trying to get their spotlight back on us. This dynamic can be particularly enticing for people who experienced an insecure attachment pattern early in their lives where they felt they couldn’t get their needs met or didn’t feel consistently nurtured or loved. The intermittent reinforcement they get from a narcissist, in all its sparkly excessiveness, can feel like something they need in order to feel OK within themselves."
"For the narcissist, reality is an aggression." Very true and this is why narcissists hate me so much and i get targeted by them! Because I'm all about being in reality no matter how much it hurts. Mental health is being in reality.
