This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Shame is a common theme in narcissistic relationships, both for the narcissist and their partner:
Narcissists may have a chronic state of shame that they are unable to regulate. They may cope with shame by blaming others, avoiding facing it, or constructing a false personality.
Narcissists and their partners
Narcissists may target people who are insecure or have low self-esteem, and they may create situations to make their partners feel shame. This can put the narcissist in a position of control in the relationship.
People in narcissistic relationships may feel shame for staying in the relationship, especially if it ends. They may feel ashamed for being in an unhealthy relationship, or because other people seem to have healthy relationships.
Some signs of a narcissistic partner who is playing the "shame game" include: Isolation, References to shameful events, and Blame.
Psychotherapist Joseph Burgo says that intense shame in early life can lead to narcissism.
The narcissist's unacknowledged shame often leads to their displays of shamelessness, lack of compassion, rage, and entitled grandiosity. Always the narcissist's shame is linked to the trauma they have experienced as children.
To avoid these shameful feelings and escape from the grip of shame, the child looks to get some control over their lives in other ways. For example, the child may glean control through perfectionism, grandiosity, power, attention, etc., all of which leads to the manifestation of the narcissist’s “God complex”, where they feel superior to everybody else
As Alice Miller wrote in the answers below to one of her readers:
"I am also glad that you have the hope that we can pass on our knowledge to the masses. I had this hope 30 years ago when I wrote the Drama. I thought that showing the truth can change so much. Meanwhile, I became more skeptical or just more impatient after I discovered the fear of the beaten child in all of us that built up the omnipresent resistance against the truth." Alice Miller
(Me too I had the hope with the writing of my book would help pass this knowledge to the masses, but like Alice Miller, I have become skeptical and with the writing of my book I too learned that people's repressed fears at their parents build omnipresent resistance against the truth. And people rather destroy others than face and consciously feel their own repressed fears to see the truth. And this is why I have been harassed, prosecuted, and ostracized since I can remember and in the workplace by very bad players since I published my book. I understand people's fears of their childhood pain that have been trying to keep repressed all of their lives, but it is still disappointing that pretty much everyone I meet doesn't have the courage to face their fears and become real)
Very well said. But sadly unless most people find the courage to open their eyes to see and feel their painful truths -- no matter what anyone says or does -- it will not change the course of humanity to an abyss. I wish Oprah were not in the video because I'm not a fan. Oprah's life career has been a cult leader promoter.
Don't engage with them and walk away that's the only way to win.
Resolving our childhood repression is the vaccine against narcissists. A coworker who I believe is a covert narcissist once told me that she didn't care for me, and I responded calmly that I didn't care for her either, but I should have said also that coming from her I take it as a compliment.
I feel the same as Brigitte Bardot but I would choose the word solitude instead of loneliness because since I have faced and resolved my childhood repression I no longer feel lonely. After all, now there is a mature conscious adult within me. We only feel lonely if we remain children in adult bodies stuck in the emotional prison of our childhood, endlessly reenacting our childhood dramas with people standing in symbolizing our parents or childhood caregivers.
′′ I have chosen loneliness to defend myself. I protect myself from humanity around me, from this loud and intrusive humanity. I live surrounded by animals, trees, and flowers. I have horses, donkeys, rams, goats, pigs, chickens, ducks, geese, pigeons. Then of course dogs and cats. I don't even know how many there are...
I feel much closer to nature and animals than humans. I confess I hate most of the human species. I accepted the cause of animals to finally make sense of my existence here. I'm trying to explain to the man that cruelty inflicted on animals is unworthy, unacceptable, inhumane precisely...
I don't give a damn that the world remembers the divine B. B., that wasn't divine at all.” - Brigitte Bardot
When you share good news, they quickly change the topic or downplay your success.
They compete with everything you do.
Instead of celebrating your wins, they turn it into a competition and try to outshine you.
They highlight your failures. When you make a mistake, they're quick to point it out, often in front of others, to make you feel small.
7 things people take a lifetime to learn:
Feeling sad after making a decision. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision.
Life is not tiring. Wanting life to be a certain way but not having the confidence to make it that way is tiring.
Self-awareness is realizing that there is no opponent --- you're fighting against yourself.
Sometimes saying "goodbye" doesn't mean you don't love something. It just means you love yourself too.
That lesson will repeat itself until you learn it.
If you keep one hand on your past and one hand on your future. You'll never have either. To embrace tomorrow you must let go of yesterday.
The world starts and ends entirely inside your mind. No matter where you end up., no matter how rich or successful you become, you won't enjoy any of it if you get here at the expense of your mental wealth.
PSYCHOLOGY FACTS:
1. Many stay in toxic relationships out of fear of being alone.
2. People would rather ignore the truth than change their opinion about someone.
3. when you share feelings with someone who doesn't care, your feelings are nothing but drama.
4. Some people live as if every moment is a scene in a reality show.
5. Being forgetful might actually mean you're more intelligent.
How To Recognize A Toxic Person In Your Life
1. You leave feeling emotionally exhausted after an encounter with them.
2. You feel as though you're walking on eggshells around them frequently.
3. They fail to take responsibility for their actions and often play the victim.
4. You feel isolated or cut off from friends and family because of them.
5. You or others are blamed for the negative feelings and circumstances in their life.
6. They struggle with empathy and are unable to understand or validate your feelings.
7. Your gut feeling consistently tells you something is off in your interactions with them.
"If you get on the wrong train, be sure to get off at the first stop. The longer you stay on, the more expensive the return trip is going to cost you. They weren't talking about trains." That's exactly how I did most of the time in my life the moment I realized I was on the wrong train I got off at the first chance. Martin is the only train it took me the longest to get off,10 long years! He pushed me out because he discovered I had him figured out and he could not manipulate me any longer. https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2020/09/at-crossroads-pick-road-less-travelled.html
Signs of High Vibration
1. People stare at you.
2. Kids like you
3. Animals feel safe around you.
4. Strangers tell you their life stories.
5. The room's energy shifts when you walk in.
6. You irritate toxic people by being authentic.
7. People envy you
11 LESSONS MOST PEOPLE LEARN TOO LATE IN LIFE
1. You're responsible for how people treat you
2. Health is wealth
3. Actions speak louder than words
4. It's okay to say 'no'
5. Validation comes from within
6. Never feel bad about putting yourself first
7. Failure brings you one step closer to success
8. Relationships should fuel you, not diminish you
9. You're in charge of your own success
10. Stay true to yourself, no matter what
11. Your intuition is always right
4 sentences that will change your mindset.
1. It's about who stands in the rain with you when they have the choice to be dry.
2. You tried something. It wasn't right. But at least now it won't exist as a what-if.
3. You think the grass is greener somewhere else. In reality, the grass is greener wherever you water it.
4. If it costs you your peace, it's too expensive.
Narcissists often underestimate those who find peace in being alone.
A narcissist never identifies a problem with their anger. However, if you get angry they'll have lots of problems with you to fire back at you. The narcissist believes they are the privileged ones when it comes to anger. They allow it for themselves but you should never dare to be angry back.
Stupid is the man who always remains the same.
If you are a friend to everybody, you are an enemy to yourself
It's impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others.
Your biggest enemy and critic is none other than you
Think of yourself dead, Now take what's left and live it properly.
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.
Whenever you can't decide which path to take choose the one that leads to change.
Living with a peaceful mind is true success [yes it is! I consider myself very successful because I have achieved emotional freedom and peace. I measure success how peaceful and emotionally free someone is and not how much money they have.]
Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
13 HARD TRUTHS OF PSYCHOLOGY and LIFE
1. Live life before life leaves you
2. Be good, but never waste your time to prove it.
3. Efforts are always better than promises.
4. In the end, we all become memories and stories.
5. You are your home, take care of yourself.
6. If it's heavy, let it go.
7. You never fail, only learn.
8. Work on you, for you.
9. Life is full of unexpected goodbyes.
10. It's hard to find real love in this fake world.
11. Some changes are painful but necessary
12. React less, observe more.
13. Sometimes we lose people because we over-love them.
If you put 100 black ants and 100 red ants in a jar, nothing will happen. But if you shake the jar hard, the ants will start killing each other. The red ants will consider the black ants their enemies, and the black ants will consider the red ants their enemies. The real enemy is the one who shakes the jar. The same thing happens in human society. So before we attack each other, we should think about who is shaking the jar! [Now I always see very clearly who shakes the jar!]
How To Read Someone's Emotions Like A Pro:
1. Pay attention to micro-expressions; they reveal true feelings.
2. Observe eye movements; upward glances can indicate thinking, and downward can show guilt.
3. Look at their mouth; a tight-lipped smile can hide frustration.
4. Focus on their posture; slumped shoulders often indicate sadness or fatigue.
5. Notice the speed of their speech; faster-talking can mean excitement or anxiety.
6. Watch their hands; clenched fists may reveal anger or stress.
7. Pay attention to their breathing; shallow breathing often accompanies stress or fear.
5 MIND GAMES SOME PEOPLE PLAY IN RELATIONSHIPS
The Hot and Cold...
This involves alternating between affection and distance. He/she might shower you with attention one minute and then go radio silent the next. It creates confusion and makes you question their feelings, ultimately seeking their approval.
The Jealousy Game...
He/she might casually mention other women or men, bringing up attractive coworkers or friends, to gauge your reaction and insecurities. It's a way to manipulate your feelings and feel desired.
The Disappearing Act...
This is when he/she becomes unreachable, not returning calls or texts, leaving you worried and unsure. It could be to test your loyalty or gain control by making you chase after him/her.
The Damsel in Distress Act...
He/she portrays himself/herself as needing constant help or reassurance, making you feel responsible for his/her happiness. This keeps you focused on him/her and avoids him/her taking responsibility for his/her own emotions.
The Mixed Messages...
His/her words and actions contradict each other. He/she might say he wants a committed relationship but avoids commitment itself. This creates confusion and makes it hard for you to understand his/her true intentions.
When you look back what did that narcissist really ever do for you? Jack shit except build up your own dreams in your head by misleading you. A narcissist is fake as fuck and good riddance. Stop mourning over someone who never existed.
4 DARK GASLIGHTING TACTICS USED BY NARCISSISTS TO MESS WITH YOUR MIND
1. They withhold information or manipulate the truth to create doubt and confusion and pretend as if they do not understand what you are saying or decline to hear.
2. They twist your memories to see it their way or by questioning yours, even though you remember it correctly so that you start questioning your sanity.
3. They use their kindness/charm to change the subject or divert your attention so they don't have to take responsibility for their wrongdoings.
4. They invalidate your feelings and thoughts, They will blame you for being too sensitiv, even if your concern and emotions are valid.
QUOTES THAT MAKE YOU QUESTION LIFE:
• You have only 1 birthday, the rest are congratulations for surviving.
• The seats you choose in class decide your life.
• The number of people older than you never go up, it only goes down.
• Confidence is not "they will like me" it's "I'll be fine if they don't".
• The world wasn't better when you were young, you were just too young to notice its flaws.
There are far too many people in the world that don't know how they're the bad guy.
Nobody has more contacts than a narcissist who's pretending to be a somebody and is actually a nobody with No real friends.
Abusers expect an explanation for everything. If you provide an explanation they will then proceed to discredit your stance and point out why your views are irrelevant. They want you to explain yourself so they can invalidate you and create justification to not consider any other view than their own.
Nobody's more stupid than a Narcissist who thinks they can play their mind games on anybody, till they play them on the wrong person and they get their head knocked off.
Why do we always make the narcissist more important than what they should be? They're a toxic damaged person whose opinion means shit. Who cares what they think or say. Close that chapter. By far one of the best mental health tips I've ever heard:
Things that lead to burnout:
• Listening to people complain about the same thing
• Doing your best with little appreciation for your work
High expectations at work, home, or in relationships
"The Purpose of Propaganda is to make one set of people forget that other sets of people are human." Aldous Huxley
"Women get addressed by Miss, Mrs., or Ms. because society deems it important to know if she is single, married, or widowed. Men are only addressed by Mr. because their relationship to women does not affect their social status."
No, they don't! Just walk away or keep your distance from these people as much as possible.
So happy to be free of these people, they are exhausting...
Narcissists can't heal because they lack the courage to open their eyes to see and feel their own painful truths. They would rather kill and be killed than look in the mirror and face themselves, they are a bunch of cowards unconsciously and compulsively looking for scapegoats to exploit and use as poison containers to temporarily alleviate their own childhood repression and feel better. In The Drama of the Gifted Child, page 94: The Search for the True Self" by Dr. Alice Miller: --- "… The humiliation, self-disgust, and self-contempt trigger the past situation and, through the compulsion to repeat, produce the same tragic conditions for pleasure. Seen in this way, the compulsion to repeat is a great opportunity. It can be resolved when feelings in the present situation can be felt and clarified. If no use is made of this opportunity, if the message is ignored, the compulsion to repeat will continue without abating for the person's entire lifetime, although its form may change.
What is unconscious cannot be abolished by proclamation or prohibition. One can, however, develop sensitivity toward recognizing it and begin to experience it consciously, and thus eventually gain control over it…"
In this Interview "The Feeling Child" with Alice Miller by Diane Connors for OMNI Publications International March 1987 --- Dr. Alice Miller says:
"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than thinking, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.
I try to reach the child in the readers and allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, and images. In this way, I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.
In my first studies, I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.
If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat." Please read the full interview HERE.
Covert malignant narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, assholes, or whatever you like to call these NOW evil people are great examples of the drama of the gifted child that Dr. Alice Miller explains beautifully in her book the Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search of your true self. These people have mastered to perfection the art of repression, projection, and transference into others all that they cannot face and accept in themselves. There are no good or bad people. It's the level of repression that makes some people very dangerous.
I have compassion for the children they once were but I have no compassion for the monsters adults they have become.
Don't make the mistake of labeling people as good or bad.
There is no such thing as good or bad people.
There are unconscious or repressed people acting as if personality pretending to be good people, but are wolves in sheep's clothing, that can turn against you at any moment and do their evil acts behind closed doors without witnesses.
And there are unconscious people that can't act or pretend and they do their evil acts in the open and usually get caught and end up in jail.
It's the level of repression that makes some people very dangerous! And some people are not as dangerously repressed and safer to be around.
And of course, there are a few of us that have taken responsibility for our own childhood repression and come from a place of honesty and authenticity.
The conversation about the effects of childhood repression in our society needs to start happening in the stage of the world, sooner rather than later, if we want to save ourselves and humanity from falling off the cliff and committing mass suicide.
"The truth is that narcissists have fragile egos and a lot of repressed shame. But acknowledging shame requires giving up power and becoming vulnerable. Since they lack these abilities, narcissists find it incredibly difficult to face shame.
How Does a Narcissist Cope with Feelings of Guilt and Shame?
Narcissists frequently struggle to acknowledge guilt or shame due to their exaggerated sense of self-importance and lack of empathy. So, when confronted with situations that may trigger these unpleasant feelings, narcissists may use various defense mechanisms such as projection, rationalization, or blame-shifting.
Narcissists are Quick to Dismiss These Feelings However They Can
We may feel guilty or ashamed when we are aware of our misbehavior or inappropriate actions. While some narcissists may occasionally feel a pang of remorse or shame, this emotion is frequently transitory and shallow.
Or, more commonly, narcissists avoid individuals or circumstances that make them feel guilty or ashamed rather than dealing with those feelings directly."
Abusers are like: how dare you ruin my reputation by telling people the things I did and said
NARCISSISTS ONLY TELL HALF TRUTHS. Those half-truths are the ones that make them look good.
Narcissists make you look crazy. They will purposely get you to react by prodding and probing and doing things to upset you or set you off. They will treat you with such a lack of respect that you have a hard time holding back, and then you explode. Screaming and acting crazy and saying awful things back to them. Appearing like you are the one out of control. Don't fall for it. Don't react, respond. Either walk away or calmly respond. They want you to react in an out-of-control manner, so they can point the finger at you and say, He/she is crazy. -Maria Consiglio
A gentle reminder: You don't have to be the "bigger person." You don't have to accept insincere apologies. You don't have to tolerate relationships that drain you. You don't have to spend your whole life showing up for people who have no interest in showing up for you. --Michell C. Clark
A narcissist wants to convince you that your reactions to their actions are the problem when, without their actions, there would be no reactions. E.S.
Narcissists use rivalry and jealousy to create a theatre of conflict, ensuring their victims stay apart and their ego remains inflated. E.S.
5. Hate when you show empathy for those considered 'less than' the narcissist.
6. Hate when you don't praise them, laugh at their jokes, use dark humor on others, enable them.
7. Hate when you overcome the fear of confrontation and exercise boundaries.
8. Hate when you remain loyal to those they want to put a wedge/isolate you from.
9. Hate when you don't do everything they want you to do.
10. Hate when you investigate their claims or attacks on someone.
You didn't fall in love with the Narcissist. You fell in love with the fantasy the narcissist put in your head. Now it's time to wake up and see the narcissist for who they really are: a fake and phony.
Yes, I made myself vulnerable by publishing my book A Dance to Freedom sharing my life experiences and psychological discoveries. But I don't regret it because it showed me how dangerous humanity's repression really is and how many people have grown to full blown malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.
"Every war was first a war against children. Every act of terror was first the terrorising of a child. Every mocking and offensive cartoon was first an emotion of shame and violation." Robin Grille
I could not agree more with the author Robin Grille. Until society as a whole makes the connection that every terrorist was once a terrorized child that he is telling his true story to the world unconsciously and compulsively by reenacting it in the stage of the world. A child that his soul/feelings were murdered as an adult will kill others, himself or both. As Alice Miller said:
Yes, they are symptoms. Since I was a child I have being saying to everyone that tells me is part of the culture to fxck the culture. I am sick of people hiding behind culture and religion to spread their psychological viruses of violence, hypocrisy, greed and ignorance.
Je suis L’ENFANT
"...Do this as an experiment. Look anywhere in the world where the culture is heavily patriarchal and the family dynamic is authoritarian. Tell me if such a culture doesn’t produce more violence than its neighbours. Tell me if the anthropologists and the brain scientists have been wrong all along.
As long as authoritarianism and patriarchy exist, there will be guns, bombs, petrol engines, coal stacks, chain saws. Violence is always given a brand. Islam. Capitalism. Etcetera. At the core, the driver is always the same. War and terrorism, (if we insist on making those distinctions) are not ideologies: they are SYMPTOMS.
...Children’s rights must trump cultural rights, or we all suffer. Conservatives are punitive. But liberals are not much help either, when they accept and defend culture for culture’s sake." Robin Grille
There was another senseless school shooting by a lost 14-year-old boy. It is amazing how no one ever asks the fundamental question of why so many young people are so angry? And from where does this anger come from and why?
Many people, especially many young boys are walking around with time bombs in their brains that can be triggered at any moment to destroy themselves, others, or both. I think it should be a prerequisite for everyone in high school and in the workplace to read Alice Miller’s books and my book!
Anger it’s not a dangerous emotion, it only becomes dangerous when it’s repressed and directed at scapegoats. Anyone who would like to understand why mad people do cowardly acts read the article Unlived Anger in the link below.
“Sadism is not an infectious disease that strikes a person all of a sudden. It has a long prehistory in childhood and always originates in the desperate fantasies of a child who is searching for a way out of a hopeless situation."
“a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome. It is hardly conceivable that a person being tortured will not feel hatred for the torturer. If we deny ourselves this feeling, we will suffer from physical symptoms.”
No, there isn't. You have to grieve your losses, especially the wasted time, and move on.
"The grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail." Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The search for the True Self) Page 36
When it's too good to be true is because it's too good to be true!
Good point.
No, is not. I'm glad I took the risk because it removed all the fake people from my life.
I have! Free at last!
I don't try to take their masks off. With the publishing of my book A Dance to Freedom, they discover I can see behind their masks and it triggers their fears of exposure. I become their number one enemy that they must destroy. Everywhere I go if they are malignant narcissists present the moment they discover I'm a seeing and a feeling person I get a target on my back, but coming after me they end up exposing themselves. Resolving childhood repression and becoming a seeing and a feeling person is like a double-edged sword, it protects you, but also makes you a target.
Nobody loves to say "You Have Issues" more than a Covert Narcissist who's threatened by you and wants everyone else to think you're crazy.
You disrespect yourself every time you let something slide that doesn't sit right with you, so I've buckled down on my boundaries as a form of self-love. My time is valuable, my feelings are valid and those who love me will respect it. I desire nothing more, and will take nothing less.
