I understand your fears of being alone with the repressed feelings and hanging tight to the hope or illusion to find a substitute mother to be there for you all the way holding your hand, that, will understand and give you the love you so much needed as a small child, but this is an illusion that will keep you reenacting your childhood drama over and over again, the changes of finding a true enlightened witness that can be with you all the way in the physical level are very slim and this was a need of the child you once were and now no one can really make up for the love you needed as a small boy, even if you fond the most loving place and supportive people, you would still have to feel the pain of not have been loved.
I see yourself surrounding yourself with people that, they themselves have not broken free from their own emotional prison, so you don’t have to feel the fear of being alone, and they actually distract you from entering your true painful feelings and getting through them. These words from Alice Miller’s book “The Drama of the Gifted Child” come to mind: “Because of his early experiences with his mother, he cannot believe that this need not happen. If he gives way to this fear and adapts himself, the therapy slides over into the realm of the false self, and the true self remains hidden and undeveloped. It is therefore extremely important that the therapist not allow his own needs to impel him to formulate connections that the patient himself is discovering with the help of his own feelings. Otherwise he is in danger of behaving like a friend who brings a good meal to a prisoner in his cell, at the precise moment when that prisoner has the chance to escape --- perhaps to spend his first night hungry and without shelter, but in freedom nevertheless. Since this first step into unknown territory would require a great deal of courage, the prisoner may comfort himself with his food and shelter and thus miss his chance and stay in prison.” I see your mother and substitute figures brings the good meal right at the moment you start entering your painful feelings and blocking you from full entering, exploring them and prevents you from getting through them to the other side to real freedom.
Facing and feeling the repressed emotions of the child we once were --- Part 1