Dear R,
Thank you for writing sharing with me your dilemma.
In the year 2000, I was in a similar place as you.
Recently I wrote to a person in the same crossroads as you! I will share with you the same words I wrote to her.
I can imagine the pressures you are in!
You are at the age that you have to make some decisions
about what road to take in your personal life?!
Professionally, you have fulfilled yourself and you have plenty of money to take care of yourself financially for life, but in your
personal life, you have not made a decision about what you really want?!
You have been on the fence at crossroads for over 10 years
and now the time has come to get off the fence and choose the road you want to
take – the road most traveled -- get married and maybe try to have a kid or two
– this road is crowded and you will
always have plenty of company and distractions from your inner self -- or
choose the road less traveled -- but this road is much less crowded and we have
to learn to stand on our own two feet and walk alone -- to face our inner self
-- and walk through all the repressed fears and all that is repressed in us --
but at the end of the road -- on the other side we feel so good and light!
I was in a similar place at your age with Marty -- we both
were sitting on the fence for many years, about the same amount of time as you!
Now looking back -- I was attracted to Marty -- because he was scared of
commitment, like me, if not more, and I was safe with him because he would
never ask me for a commitment!
Everyone before Marty that I went out with -- the moment
they would start talking about commitment and marriage I would break up with
them, but with Marty, I fooled myself, that I wanted a commitment with him, not
realizing at the time, that if he was the one asking for a commitment, I would
probably have been the one to leave like I did many times before!
I started pressuring Marty to get off the fence! I kept
asking him that he needed to figure out what he wanted in life?! And if I was
not part of what he wanted in life and he could not make a commitment, then we
should break up, but he could not make a decision either way and I was
constantly talking about breaking up and that triggered his fears of being
alone, he could not make a commitment, but he also was very afraid of being
alone, so when he realized it, that eventually, I would leave him for good!
That’s when he found this young naïve woman to distract
himself with, so he would not have to deal with his fears of commitment and the
fears of being alone.
That’s not how I envisioned the end of our relationship, I
wanted a clean break up and not with another woman getting in the middle – the new woman felt like a knife -- and felt like he decapitated our relationship with this woman – and gave our relationship a very violent end.
But now I understand people that are afraid of being alone
they can’t leave a relationship without having someone new.
Because they can’t face being alone for even one second. I
have never been afraid of being alone and I’m so proud of always having clean
breakups before Marty.
I always was able to leave a relationship and be alone and
never needed to find someone new in order to leave a present relationship.
Now, I’m glad he left the only way he was able to because if
we had made the commitment to be with each other, we would have reenacted our
childhood dramas and be trapped together in the emotional prisons of our
childhoods -- would have been a repetition of the past -- I’m so happy I didn’t
repeat the past like most people in our society do!
I’m so glad I was forced to travel alone on the road less
traveled and forced to walk through all that was repressed in me!
Now, I’m at the end of the road, but I’m free, peaceful, and
feel so good and light! This is worth more than all the money of the world put
together. This is one of the reasons I was targeted by the narcissist sociopaths at the upscale gated community where I worked for nine and a half years because
what I have, it cannot be stolen or bought with money and they were so jealous and envious of me that they wanted me dead, in jail or mental hospital, but when was
one of them to lose his mind and self-destructed all become silent and now is a
big cover-up.
Marty still is in his emotional prison regretting leaving me
and has the illusion he could have made it work with me -- if he had stayed
with me -- but the truth is -- without resolving his childhood repression -- he
will never be happy -- alone or with anyone else.
Making a decision is not going to be easy for you! If you
chose the road less traveled you will have to say goodbye to some people and
set them free to travel the road of their choice and you will have to deal with
your fears of being alone.
If you choose the road most traveled you might feel you have
to keep a distance from some people, either way, it’s not going to be easy on
you!
Whatever the road you choose I understand and I hope you
pick the one that is better for you! And I hope is not driven by fear, but by
love.
Whishing courage and strength in your personal journey,
Sylvie
