Thursday, November 29, 2012

Facing and feeling the repressed emotions of the child we once were --- Part 2

Hi X,

Here is the letter I was working on, it’s kind of a repeat of my response to your last e-mail, but I already had written these words for you, so I thought I send them to you. Sorry, my English was really bad in my last e-mail, but I was at work and I keep getting interrupted by people making it really hard for me to concentrate on my writing. I am glad my letter helped you clarify things. Yes, once we understand the repressed feelings of the child we once were and consciously feel them within the context of our own childhood, it becomes a compass for life and no longer blinds us, so we are able to see ourselves and others clear and therefore know the best steps to take care of ourselves in whatever situation we find ourselves in the present moment.

I know it’s hard to be alone with our painful feelings. When the repressed feelings of the child I once was were triggered, I too lost everything in my life, from coming to the end of my dancing carrier and not knowing what I would do to sustain myself, to my boyfriend leaving me and knew I could not count on my family for support, so the fear from the uncertainty in the present moment and future it triggered the repressed fears of the child I once was and it cause me few panic attacks of being afraid of stepping out of my house and talking with people, but once I realized that the panic attacks was because of the repressed emotions of the child that were paralyzing me to take care of myself in the present moment those intense fears would start to subside and the panic attacks started to happen less and if it happened would not last as long and one day in spite the present and future still uncertainty I felt strong and completely trusted myself to take care of me no matter in what situation I would find myself in the present.

It’s understandable you feel hurt by your ex-boyfriend not calling young because it triggers the agonizing painful feelings of the child you once were. You both are reenacting each other’s childhood drama and trigging each other’s repression. The person that triggers our repression is never the right person to help us navigate and clarify our painful feelings. You feeling angry at him is understandable, but this anger is of the child you once were at your mother for leaving you alone when you were a defenseless little boy, but you are not defenseless anymore, the adult in you can witness the plight of the child you once were and develop compassion for this child that had to suffer so much all alone.

I wrote the letter below to someone that wrote me while back and it might be helpful to you too.

Wishing you strength and courage,


Hi R,

Sorry, it took so long to finish your letter, but things kept getting in the middle of it. You might not like what I am going to write and might trigger some anger or unpleasant feelings in you, In Alice Miller’s book “Free from Lies” page 136, she says: “Once the client has achieved the ability to cope with old feelings and productive use of the“triggers,” there is no further need of the therapist’s presence.” We cannot liberate ourselves unless we became fully conscious of our true plight and where really are. By reading your last e-mail I don’t see you consciously feeling your repressed feelings, I just see you getting close to the entrance, and not making use of the present triggers effectively, but too scared to go in and consciously witness and feel the excruciating feelings of the child you once were and you keep running around trapped in a labyrinth without a way out and stuck in your story compulsively hanging to the illusion of finding a substitute mother figure. When I say that we must wait while we are going through our intense excruciating painful feelings of the child we once were to take actions or making life changing decisions, I don’t mean we stop taking care of ourselves, to the contrary we must take and keep our life in our own hands and take responsibility for it and do what we need to do take care of ourselves and at the same time taking the time to consciously feel the feelings of the child we once were, this is very tricky, because we need to keep adult conscious at the same time we witness and feel the repressed emotions of the child we once were.

I understand your fears of being alone with the repressed feelings and hanging tight to the hope or illusion to find a substitute mother to be there for you all the way holding your hand, that, will understand and give you the love you so much needed as a small child, but this is an illusion that will keep you reenacting your childhood drama over and over again, the changes of finding a true enlightened witness that can be with you all the way in the physical level are very slim and this was a need of the child you once were and now no one can really make up for the love you needed as a small boy, even if you fond the most loving place and supportive people, you would still have to feel the pain of not have been loved.

I see yourself surrounding yourself with people that, they themselves have not broken free from their own emotional prison, so you don’t have to feel the fear of being alone, and they actually distract you from entering your true painful feelings and getting through them. These words from Alice Miller’s book “The Drama of the Gifted Child” come to mind: “Because of his early experiences with his mother, he cannot believe that this need not happen. If he gives way to this fear and adapts himself, the therapy slides over into the realm of the false self, and the true self remains hidden and undeveloped. It is therefore extremely important that the therapist not allow his own needs to impel him to formulate connections that the patient himself is discovering with the help of his own feelings. Otherwise he is in danger of behaving like a friend who brings a good meal to a prisoner in his cell, at the precise moment when that prisoner has the chance to escape --- perhaps to spend his first night hungry and without shelter, but in freedom nevertheless. Since this first step into unknown territory would require a great deal of courage, the prisoner may comfort himself with his food and shelter and thus miss his chance and stay in prison.” I see your mother and substitute figures brings the good meal right at the moment you start entering your painful feelings and blocking you from full entering, exploring them and prevents you from getting through them to the other side to real freedom.

Wishing you strength and courage,


P.S. To read part 1 and 3 click in the links below:
Facing and feeling the repressed emotions of the child we once were --- Part 1