Thank you for writing. You are describing what’s like going through the emotions of the baby you once were of being abandoned by your biological mother with a woman that would put you through terror for so many years.
After my boyfriend left and triggered the repressed emotions of the baby I once was of not being wanted and abandoned in my crib and playpen for hours and hours that for a little baby felt like an eternity. While I was experiencing, feeling the emotions of the baby and like a baby would feel, I thought I would feel that way forever and I would think of suicide, but thanks to reading Alice Miller’s books the adult in me, now, would talk to myself and tell myself that this was the repressed emotions of the baby I once was and would not last forever and consciously feeling them would not kill me, but to the contrary would liberate me and really be free for the first time to live my true life and once these emotions were understood in the right context they would soon subside and at the end it felt like I just gave birth to myself.
When I said addicted to pain, it probably would be more accurate to say addicted to suffering, because people’s suffering is caused by them running or avoiding from feeling the repressed raw pain of the child we once were and this raw pain is what most people are afraid of feeling.
This quote by Alice comes to mind: “Several mechanisms can be recognized in the defense against early feelings of abandonment. In addition to simple denial, we usually find the exhausting struggle to fulfill the old, repressed, and by now often perverted needs with the help of symbols (cults, sexual perversions, groups of all kinds, alcohol, or drugs). Intellectualization is very commonly encountered as well since it is a defense mechanism of great power.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The search for the True Self) Page 11. Another quote by Alice just came to mind, also from The Drama Of The Gifted Child” She says: “Take, for example, the feelings of abandonment---not that of the adult, who feels lonely and therefore turns to alcohol or drugs, goes out to a movie, visits friends, or makes “unnecessary” telephone calls in order to bridge the gap somehow. No, I mean the original feelings in the small infant, who had none of these means of distraction and whose communications, verbal or preverbal, did not reach the mother because his mother was deprived. For her part, she dependent on a specific echo from the child that was essential to her, for she herself was a child in search of a person who could be available to her.” When I told you that the door of being adopted was a door you would have to enter and feel, experience what felt like for the baby you once were of being separated from your mother the only woman you were most close to and be left with a stranger that would torture you and scare you to death. You got mad at me: saying you were to afraid and not ready to feel, but you are stronger than you thought because you are entering that door and exploring what it was like for the baby you once were.
In a past e-mail you mentioned that you found Alice Miller’s book by accident and then you asked your therapist if he read Alice’s books and he said yes and then you asked him why he had not suggested her books to you and he responded that he thought you were not ready for her books, but my question is: who is not ready? He or you and who is most afraid of your emotions him or you, because when a therapist tell his patients the truth transference is part of therapy and is unavoidable , just like when I told you what I was seeing, it triggered your repressed anger and you got mad at me and transferred your anger at me and I think your therapist is afraid of the transference stage, because is a risk you might get really mad at him and if you really are not ready to see transference for what it is and feel the raw pain within the context of your childhood you might leave therapy and if you are ready to feel the raw pain in the right context you will be liberated and no longer in need of a therapist, so he will lose you as a patient either way and probably he is dependent on you for his survival, just as you are dependent on him to take care of the wounded child in you, just as Alice Miller says: “In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis."
Why would he protect you from telling you the truth and make a decision you were not ready to deal with it, if you were not ready you would let him know like told me, but obviously you are stronger and courageous than you thought, because you are opening the door I pointed you to and I congratulate you!
Wishing much courage and strength to get through the exploration of the feelings of the baby and child you once were,
P.S. To read part 1 and 2 click on the links below:
Facing and feeling the repressed emotions of the child we once were --- Part 1