Thursday, November 11, 2010

Letter to XA

XA: You are so far out on limb that I’m sure you’re not interested in what I say and feel. If you were, you would have never deluded yourself to this extent.

Sylvie: I love being on the limb! We have a better view from there! I respect you more than you can ever imagine and I do care about how you feel -- your true feelings that you are so disconnected from for so long and would take years for you to get in touch with and discern what feelings and thoughts belong to whom, because they have been immersed with others for so many years. I am glad this charade is over and I don’t have to pretend not to see what I really see --THE EMPEROR IS NAKED! I have learned that people are what they say are not, because most people live in denial of what they really are. You all say that XXX is not a religion, but if I dissect it, that’s exactly what it, is, but with brand new pretty, seductive and attractive beliefs and a brand new very alluring label. You see most religions believe in a god that no one can prove, people that believe in god say they feel it and some even proclaim god talks to them, XXX believes in physical immortality and they say it is a feeling in the body too, but nobody have lived forever, and no one can prove it is possible either so is just a belief, just like believing in god, very much just like most religions, based on beliefs and like most religions you guys too quote the bible to provide evidence what you are saying is true. I don’t have beliefs anymore, there are things I know and they are things I don’t know; when we know instead of believing we will find the courage to be true to ourselves, beliefs are passed down to us so they should be received with doubt. To know comes from within. Every person I encounter on this planet so far suffers from some type of denial and XXX suffers from the ultimate denial! Denial of death! Today I have more vitality than ever before and I am more immortal and alive than anyone at XXX; will I feel this way forever? I don’t know and I am not worried about it, I am just going to enjoy this feeling for as long I can hang to it. You are the one that joined a cult, so if someone is deluded here, it has to be you. I understand that you were at a very young age, in a war zone at the time, I cannot image what was like being in war zone hearing bombs, I hope I never know what that might be like, you were a very vulnerable young guy trying to figure out your path in life and these very charismatic people with very seductive beliefs and alluring label captivated you and now is very painful to face and feel that you have wasted 20 years of your life with an illusion and is starting to take an affect on your body and might bring you premature death and how ironic that is that death is what you all try to avoid. Nothing can affect our mental and physical health more than believing in lies and illusions.

XA: I can assure you that my life is entirely of my own making and I am very pleased with the achievement thus far. More so now than ever.

Sylvie: I know this is painful and hard to hear, but joining a cult and getting involve intimately with the cult leader that is 30 years older than you, older than your mother, just a few months, but still older than your mother and letting her control or manipulate you, no matter how fun seductive and charismatic the leaders are is not an achievement to be pleased with and if what you are saying was true, you would not be upset by my observations. When People tell me things about me that are not true and I am sure in my heart that I am right, I just smile and say: Really?

XA: My health is increasing every day and on a deeper level of the body than you can possibly be aware of. I think you are too insecure to be anything but the “teacher” and so you just teach, teach, teach even when there is something huge for you to learn. In fact, the more insecure you feel, the more you act as “teacher.”

Sylvie: I hope your health is better and you are feeling better and better. Your words above are pure projections -- who are the teachers/preachers? Really? Who preaches/teaches, preaches/teaches and preaches/teaches in front of a congregation? I think the more insecure you all become the more you all preach/teach and refuse to look at reality and facts. Children that are preached to, they learn how to preach and that is exactly what X is doing, she came from a family of preachers and she learned her childhood lesson very well, and her son has learn that lesson very well also, the only thing that has changed was the beliefs and the brand new seductive label. Everything you write in the last e-mail are just pure projections and transferences of disowned feelings that you and X can’t admit to it and the more insecure you all feel the more you all need a congregation to be dependent on you all playing the role of the child so you can use them to project your disowned feelings and insecurities.

XA: There’s a saying – a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And you’ve got it.

Sylvie:  I might have little knowledge, but I acquired the right knowledge! It’s not the quantity that matters, but the quality. A lot of people acquire what I call empty knowledge that only serves to impress, control and manipulate people with it, but have no real value whatsoever and what’s really sad is that most people carry poisonous pedagogy and go around infecting everyone with it, so again whose knowledge is dangerous? You guys are the ones using your knowledge with disconnected truths or lies coated with little bits of truth to control and manipulate the followers of XXX to stay dependent or stuck in the role of the child.

XA: From emails you’ve sent me I know you give this same treatment to many people, so I am not different in that. You have the same story for everyone and that is control plain and simple.

Sylvie: Most people I write to don’t share your opinion. Look deeper and see who is being controlling and controlled. I just dare to say that the EMPEROR HAS NO CHLOTHES ON. I share what I see and feel and you can agree or disagree. If you could seen it too, that, THE EMPEROR IS NAKED that would have been great for your health and liberation, but if you don’t see it, then you are going to suffer the consequences of being emotionally blind. What you do with the information I gave you is your business. You can choose to reflect on it or discard it. The choice is yours. The fears you all feel are the internalized fears of the children you once were of the parents’ punishments and are being projected at me, because I triggered them, but I am not the cause of your fears and anger I am just the trigger, because I spoke of things you don’t want to or are not ready to look at, because they are to scary and painful to admit, face and feel, but if you keep projecting these fears and anger into scapegoats they never get resolved, only when we understand the roots of our fears, anger and pain does it gets resolved and starts to diminishes and eventually leaves our body completely and can never be triggered by anyone no matter what, because it’s not inside our bodies anymore to be triggered again and again and we will have no more buttons in us to be pushed. You all say it’s good to stir people up and push their buttons and love to use the slogan “face everything and avoid nothing” I felt this was just a slogan to manipulate the followers of XXX and it did fool me for a little while, but I was conscious that could be just a slogan like the slogans politicians use to get our vote, now I have conformation of it, because when someone comes along and stirs you guys up and pushes your buttons and puts some facts and realities in front of you. You guys don’t like it and get defensive. Behaviors like this, what do they call it? Oh yes, it’s called hypocrisy. Also you guys say that we have to get the ego out of way. The leaders try to break the followers ego, so they can control them, but the ego can be a good thing to have, because it protects us from being exploited by others and again who has the biggest ego in XXX if not the leaders.

XA: Your sisters have made more of an impression on you than you admit.

Sylvie: I have dealt with my internalized sisters and it might be residue left and if it does comes to the surface I recognized it right away and now know how to handle it. Until today my ex was the only person that triggered my internalized older sisters and he was the only one I reenacted them with and now I am very conscious of my internalized older sisters and I will be very careful not to reenact them again with anyone else. Now let’s look at you yourself, aren’t you reenacting your internalized mother by lashing out to anyone that are question your beliefs, just like your mother did to you when you question her?

XA: Without invitation, you saw me in the hospital at my most vulnerable. You’ve abused that intimacy by judging me according to your own narrow agenda. You say you care, but your caring is twisted with judgment. And your judgment is ignorant and banal.

Sylvie: I am sorry if you felt violated by me stopping at the hospital to see you. I thought we were friends, but now it’s very clear to me that if I don’t become members of XXX I am treated like an outsider and this is one of the reasons XXX cult can be dangerous, because it tries to control, manipulate members contact to the outside world, while everyone thought I might become a member, I was treated very nicely, but in the moment I said I could not become a member I was treated like I was a bad person, not everyone in the outside world is bad and when we are not emotionally blind it’s very easy to see where everyone is at any given moment and no one can fool us anymore. I saw your situation very clearly so I was very aware of the risk I was taking by hiring you to help me on this project. You are a talent writer and I hope one day you use your talent for truth instead of using it to deceive yourself and others. You are the one judging me to your own narrow agenda. So whose is twisted with judgment? And whose judgment is ignorant and banal? I understand your situation and it is sad seeing you falling victim of illusions.

XA: You’ve taken me lightly. You’ve missed me completely. You’ve dismissed my own expression as if it means nothing compared to your little corner of knowledge.

Sylvie: I see you clearly and understand why it’s so hard to acknowledge the truths I am talking about. You are the one taken your self lightly. If someone is missing someone it’s you missing yourself completely and that is what’s really sad. If we don’t miss ourselves, it does not matter if others miss us or not, so if I missed you, it would not have matter, if you were not missing yourself. Again try to look a little deeper and see who really is dismissing you. Your body has been screaming at you to pay attention and you are ignoring it signals and refusing to explore the real causes of your pain, so if someone is dismissing someone is you dismissing yourself. You are the one dismissing your own body’s expression as if it means nothing compared to your little corner of your intellectual knowledge.

XA: But you can’t dismiss this: I don’t associate with people who don’t respect me and my life. I know you have problems in your life and that you are trying to work them out by working on other people. But nothing excuses the lack of respect you show me.

Sylvie: Again let’s look a little deeper and see who does not respecting himself. When I debated to become a member or not and I can’t believe it, I even debated it, thinking maybe I could be of help to XXX members, but I came to my senses and I realize that becoming a member would be jeopardizing my achieved autonomy and I am not willing to give it up now for anyone. My last meeting with X she was insinuating that if I became a member and I liked XA she was willing to give him up and let me have him if I wanted him, so who would sale you just to acquire one more member? Again who is disrespecting who? I don’t get tempted or distracted by attractions anymore; I am very aware what attractions can mean – repetition of the past and I don’t to go there anymore, my path is forward not repeating the past, no matter how seductive and how alluring the new label might be -- she can have you all for herself. You are a very talented and attractive guy, but I am not about to become a member of a cult so I could be with an attractive guy that has a talent I wish I had. I did crazy staff like that with my ex and I am not repeating crazy staff like that ever again. I did a lot emotional work and finally broke free from the emotional prison I was born into and I am not going to give up my achieved freedom now and join a cult for anyone. Who is guiding and counseling a congregation? So if someone is working on others without solving their problems first must be all of you. I too don’t get involved in an intimate level with people that unconsciously or consciously chose to believe in lies and illusions no matter how seductive, charismatic, attractive and talented they are.

XA: I will complete the section of the project I’m working on that you’ve paid for and that is it. I’ll send it to you and arrange to return to you the materials of yours I’ve got. That will be the end of it. You always worried about this process getting interrupted and now you have created it. The sabotage is yours.

Sylvie: Again the only life that is being sabotaged here is yours. I know without a doubt that I am in the right path and this for me is just a bump on the road. This project will get done with or without your help; it will just take a little longer. I have made a lot of money and lost a lot of it and I have learned the money lesson and I am grateful I made a lot of money so I could pay for the very expensive money lesson and now I am totally detached about money, because I know I always can make more, don’t bother finishing the last pages, because I know your heart is not in it and I don’t want anyone to work for me unless their heart is in it. Keep what ever money is left as a gift and just send what ever you have done and all the notes I have sent to you. I also feel you found my website and you thought I was still the wounded child I talked about in my story that you all could use, exploit and manipulate like a puppet and that is why you contacted me, but you made a huge mistake, because  I am provably one of very few people you will ever meet that truthful have dealt with her repression and is no longer in the victim/child role for unconscious repressed people in power positions to use to project and transfer their disowned feelings and insecurities no matter how charismatic and beautiful there are. And now I have prove that my feelings and perceptions were correct and you guys are not safe to be involved at the intimate level and I made the right decision in not becoming a member of XXX.
Wishing you much courage and strength to face and feel your painful truths and if you ever need someone to talk to. I will be forever available. Sylvie

XA: As you wish . . . Here are the notes for the last three sections of the project. If you will provide your work address, I will drop the books and letters off there.

Sylvie: Thank you XA, don’t worry about the books. You are welcome to keep them, maybe one day you all find the courage to read them and help you all deal with your repression and become a true enlightened witness to yourself and everyone that comes through XXX and help you all become more real and not so afraid because when we really deal with our repression and become real, there is nothing to fear.
 Just send the letters to my P. O. Box
All the fears you all might feel about me. I like to assure everyone AGAIN that I will never mention in public XXX or mention anyone’s names. I really like all of you and if I have anything to say about any of you, I have your contact and say it to you directly and if I ever share my experiences with you all with the public I will keep you all anonymous.  I am a person of my word. I am not in the business of hurting people, but helping people become real and free in the kindest way I possibly can. I am not perfect, just like no one is on this planet and I know sometimes I can be brutally honest, I am accused of that all the time and I apologize for that, but I feel the truth is the best gift we can give to anyone and we must have the courage to speak it, even at the risk of triggering people’s fears, anger and pain and projecting it into me and blaming me for it. Michael Jackson might still be here with us today if he had someone in his life with courage to speak the truth to him. This situation showed me that I am becoming a lot better at handling other people’s transference.

Sylvie: Last night I dreamed about you and X!
I dreamed I stopped by your house for a visit! I wish we did not have so many differences between us and we all could spent time together, but for now that’s the way it is. I know in spite of our differences, you all are good people and maybe someday our differences will be dissolved. I hope you are feeling all better, but I still worry about your health and well being, because I feel that there are things you need to see in your life and make a few adjustments in your personal life that until you do that your back and health is going to continue to suffer, you have been carrying an emotional load that does not belong to you for tooooooooo many years and that’s why your back is suffering and until you let go of this emotional load and give it back to the right person your health and back will keep getting aggravated, but because your loyalty you are not completely being true to yourself and when we are not true to ourselves our health suffers. When I read Norman’s and Alice Miller’s words below you come to my mind.

Saying the truth or being loyal

Dear Alice Miller, feel free to publish this letter in your website, if you find it interesting.

In your post "Barbara's Forum 2", you write that instead of understanding you received personal attacks. I am sorry to hear that, because I was personally attacked as well. Like you, I was attacked after I criticized IFS therapy (in my forum). Why did I have to be attacked? Because I expressed disagreement with a person I was supposed to be "loyal" to?

Criticism is important when we work to find the truth; sometimes, this truth is more important to me than "loyalty". It is not possible to have one's own opinion and to say that everyone is right at the same time. There is a difference between the truth and lies, and you have shown in numerous examples that the body also knows it. No postmodern philosophy or eclectic naivete can change this basic fact of life. The truth is not always easy to accept, of course. It is often painful and unwelcome. Besides, it makes us mad when someone else points a finger and says "you're wrong". But what if he is correct?

You were attacked personally because you "dared" to criticize and to break your "loyalty" in order not to betray yourself and your convictions. Some people obviously thought that this was reason enough to try and punish you. To me it was familiar, because this is what my mother did whenever I dared to question her versions of the truth: to punish me, to try belittling me.

This was the dictatorship I grew up in, like so many other readers, I am sure. Certainly, this is how my persecutors' mothers had done to them in childhood: punished them for criticism. What other reason can there be for their behavior? Seemingly free from their mothers, they fight their scapegoats in the name of freedom. They were taught that to criticize is a crime against humanity, and that they have to always smile with agreement, unless they are treated with the most brutal sadism possible. They were told to keep their opinions to themselves because it is rude to disagree. Such people's rage is understandable. Every child needs her parents to appreciate and listen to her opinions. What is less acceptable is their behavior and hypocrisy as adults.


AM: I agree with you. Fortunate are the few children who can express their criticism, who are listened to, taken seriously and understood by their parents. They receive a precious gift for their whole life. But for most of children saying the truth meant mortal danger. They are often brutally punished simply for saying frankly what they feel and think. As adults they often use the same means as their parents used before, without being aware of what they are doing. They are blindly attacking everybody who questions their traditional "opinions" given by their parents. Their children can't do anything else than to obey and staying loyal. Only adults can take legal actions if it comes to criminal harassment or severe defamation.

XA: Sylvie – I am feeling better every day and I’m very happy about it. You’re speaking in code here and you’re not being clear about what you are getting at. But I honestly don’t think you’ve gone to the depth to understand me or what I have been through. To be very frank with you, your worry feels a lot like control. I am not controllable, so you might as well give it up. I’m hopeful you can reflect on yourself and get what I mean about being controlling, because it will free you in ways that would be wonderful for you. I can tell you that for me this control is totally boring and dead. My not responding to it is the best encouragement I can give you to let go.


Sylvie: Hi XA, I am glad to hear you are feeling better every day. Thank you for writing and expressing your feelings. I understand your feelings and where they coming from, even though those feelings are being misdirected, in order to protect a person you love in your life, seeing the people we love in our lives clearly, does not mean we love them less, to the contrary we can be more helpful to them and ourselves. You have been controlled and manipulated for many years and your anger is justified, but directing it at the wrong person does not get resolved and this has been the main reason you have back problems and I am pretty sure if you had seen this earlier and taking this person off your back your back would have healed without surgery. I have been trying to help you see it, because that would help your overall health and in the process free you to be able to write my project effortlessly and the fact that you cannot see yourself and the people in your life clearly it might affect  my project, time will tell, I am totally detached and whatever happens, happens, but of course I would like you to take this job to the end, because you are a very talented writer and I can only image how high you could fly if you could break free. If you don’t want to deal with me and the material of my project please be honest with me and let me know and just finish the last paid pages and we will be done and you will not have to deal with me anymore. The fact that I cannot express myself freely with you, it is becoming very uncomfortable and I am getting tired of tiptoeing in egg shells.  I understand you are not ready to see certain things in your life and I will give up trying and let it go, and I apologize for even trying. I know I cannot make someone see that don’t want to or are not ready to see, because me trying to force someone to see that would be reenacting my childhood drama all over again, so I will let it go.
But please know if you ever ready and need someone to talk to I am available forever. Sylvie

XA: Sylvie – speak plainly. Who are you saying is the person manipulating me?

Sylvie: XA, I wish you could figure it out for yourself and I know it’s hard, painful for you to see that you are repeating, reenacting your childhood drama, the first manipulative person in your life was your mother and you freed yourself from her, but you found the mother of manipulation, a more sophisticated, smarter, charming and manipulative person to take over where your mother leftover and your childhood drama continues, but now with brand new seductive label. I am not going to mention her name because I like her too, but if you don’t get this person of your back your health will continue to suffer. If you could take a vacation alone, maybe visit your family for awhile and spend as much time alone as possible to be with your true feelings and thoughts without the interference of others feelings and thoughts, it might help you see for yourself and sort it all out, so you can see what feelings and thoughts are truthful yours, because when we are in the middle of things it’s hard to see the roles everyone is playing and what feelings belong to whom. Of course this is just a suggestion. And I can’t be more bluntly then this.
Wishing much courage to see yourself and others clearly, sylvie

XA: I’m sorry you feel that way, Sylvie. You are so far out on limb that I’m sure you’re not interested in what I say and feel. If you were, you would have never deluded yourself to this extent.
I can assure you that my life is entirely of my own making and I am very pleased with the achievement thus far. More so now than ever.
My health is increasing every day and on a deeper level of the body than you can possibly be aware of. I think you are too insecure to be anything but the “teacher” and so you just teach, teach, teach even when there is something huge for you to learn. In fact, the more insecure you feel, the more you act as “teacher.” There’s a saying – a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And you’ve got it.
From emails you’ve sent me I know you give this same treatment to many people, so I am not different in that. You have the same story for everyone and that is control plain and simple.
Your sisters have made more of an impression on you than you admit.  Without invitation, you saw me in the hospital at my most vulnerable. You’ve abused that intimacy by judging me according to your own narrow agenda. You say you care, but your caring is twisted with judgment. And your judgment is ignorant and banal. You’ve taken me lightly. You’ve missed me completely. You’ve dismissed my own expression as if it means nothing compared to your little corner of knowledge.
But you can’t dismiss this: I don’t associate with people who don’t respect me and my life. I know you have problems in your life and that you are trying to work them out by working on other people. But nothing excuses the lack of respect you show me.
I will complete the section of the project I’m working on that you’ve paid for and that is it. I’ll send it to you and arrange to return to you the materials of yours I’ve got. That will be the end of it. You always worried about this process of writing your project getting interrupted and now you have created it. The sabotage is yours.


Subject: Received Letters --- Thank you    SAT, 10-31-10 8:59 AM

If you ever gather the courage to see and feel the painful truths behind the beautiful veil of XXX. You have a friend here forever that really understands. You know how to find me.

Best, sylvie

Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2010 10:19 AM

Hi XA,
I was pleased with our meeting yesterday! And I am looking forward to go with you on Friday to XXX, but I have to be honest with you that I am a little skeptical! I went to the website and I like a lot of the staff I read, especially how our beliefs is what gets us into trouble. I tell people that I don’t have beliefs anymore! There are things I know and there are things that I don’t know! When we know instead of believing, we will have the courage to be true to ourselves. Beliefs are passed down to us, so they should be received with doubt! Of course, now, that I am living my real life, I would love to prolong it for a very long time! But forever! I don’t know if such thing is possible! I usually say: the first 20 years of our lives, our family screw us up and the second twenty years of our lives we unconsciously and compulsively keep repeating, recreating, reenacting our childhood drama over and over again… for those of us fortune to have courage to explore and look at the naked true and capable of feeling all of our feelings and repressed emotions, we are able to free ourselves from the vicious circle and if we live until we are 90, we really only get to live 50 years of our  true life!!!
See you Friday, sylvie

RE: Thursday, February 18,2010 10:24 AM

Just after I sent you an email I got yours. Your skepticism is perfectly understandable and I’m glad you’re coming to see for yourself. As you say, we spend a lot of time getting clear of old baggage, so I say the best is yet to come!

From: Sylvie  Sent: Sunday, February 21, 2010 1:26 PM To: XA Subject: Re: I had fun last night!!!

Hi XA, I hope you are having a good weekend. Now that I have gotten a good night sleep and able to reflect on everything; I have a few questions. As I said yesterday I had fun Friday night and enjoyed the singers, dancers and listen to the things they were saying, because I identified with most of it, NOT ALL OF IT! And for sure would love to go back a Friday here and there and spent time with these fun people. As I said to the leaders, it has been a very long journey to get to the place I am now. Now looking back I see clear through the manipulations and able to articulate how I truly feel! I am curious how long exactly you have been with XXX? And how exactly you were feeling at the moment you join the group? Also have you ever taken a brake from the group? Like stopping going for long periods of time? And if you have taken a long break from XXX did the old feelings comeback? I hope that you don’t feel I am being intruding, but it’s important that I can have an open honest relationship with the person that is going to help me write my project. I hope you mean the words   “Face everything and avoid nothing.”  I have shared with you that Deepak Chopra is my favorite charlatan because I really enjoy listen to most of what he has to say; I feel people like him that are very articulate and say very seductive words and beautiful things that make us feel good, and keep us numb, just like a drug.  My experience has been the same as Alice Miller’ as she says in her article “The Longest Journey”  “…It has taken me all my life to allow myself to be what I am and to listen to what my inner self is telling me, more and more directly, without waiting for permission from others or currying approval from people symbolizing my parents.”
I am feeling the group XXX could become the substitute parents and wants their followers dependent on them, just like parents/care takers enjoyed controlling, manipulating and having their children dependent on them. The more controlling, manipulative and abusive the families of origin  are the more their children become dependent on them or the more vulnerable they become in adult life to become dependent on charismatic people symbolizing their parents and staying trapped in the type of relationships that one plays the role of parent and others playing the role of the child. Another example is the followers of the secret by James Arthur Ray, he symbolizing their parents/caretakers and the followers “the good children” following his directions without question themselves and two paid the price with their lives for this mistake. Another example is religion; religion the all powerful parent and the followers permanent in the role of a child.  Our goal is to become independent adults, stand on our own two feet without crutches.
I am going to share with you in the link below three e-mails I sent to Oprah, I am sure she never read them! But what I said to her gives an example of what I am trying to say here and a blog I posted on myspace about Oprah.
Have a good day and talk more later, sylvie

Hi Sylvie, yes the weekend was excellent. I thought of you and wished you could have been there. I appreciate you opening your feelings to me about your experience with us at XXX and I want you to always feel free to do that. I’m in a bit of a rush this morning catching up with work, but I’ll be happy to tell you about my own experiences and to talk further. I think it’s important to look at everything so you can see how you really feel about us. We actually talked some about the parent thing this weekend, how each person has to experience being physically immortal for themselves. Yes, we have great people to lead things, but ultimately it’s personal, it comes down to each one of us experiencing who we really are. We are serious about ending death, that means ending all the old structures and manipulations and roles people have played with each other, because those are the boxes that turn into coffins. So we’re about being out of the box all the way! I’m glad you’ll be with us on Friday, because it’s an ongoing unfolding of our lives and you can feel free to open your questions at events as well.

Talk to you soon!

From: Sylvie Sent: Tuesday, February 23, 2010 1:55 PM
To: XASubject: RE: I had fun last night!!!

Hi XA, thank you for writing.
The part I had a problem with was when XB and X said: them needing us and we needing the group that we need to have both feet in the group, not one foot in and one foot out and the need to attend all the time. I see that as trying to manipulate people to feel they need the group or vice versa, to achieve the feeling of being a live, immortal; to me, that is a reenacting all over again a dependent relationship, like parent and child, one being in the role of parent (the leaders) and the other being in the role of a child (the followers). I am great example that we can achieve this feeling without being dependent on anyone or group; actually we will never achieve freedom, autonomy if we remain stuck in a dependent relationship. Today I feel immortal!  And I am completely a live! Will I feel this way forever? I don’t know and I am not concerned about it. I achieved this state alone with the help from the books and website of Alice Miller without being dependent on her or her on me, we do need a true enlightened whiteness, but that can be anyone and be in a form of a book, not a specific person or group. Whenever you have extra time read the article “The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society” in the link below. I will try to share some day in the events as well, but I am not use to talk in front of an audience and will not be easy for me, but I see it as a great opportunity to practice talking in front of an audience. Talk more later, sylvie

RE: I had fun last night!!! Thursday, 2-25-10 9:56 AM
Hi Sylvie – if you can listen to the radio show today it just might help with some of your concerns – 1100 am or I know this is last minute warning again . . .

From: Sylvie  Sent: Saturday, March 20, 2010 9:01 AMTo: XA Subject: need to clarify something...

Hi XA,
Yesterday I enjoyed the entertainment and listen to everyone expressions! You guys are a lot of fun and good people to be around!
Next Friday I will have to go to XXX and get up and express, because I will have to add to my last night expressing. Yesterday I said I arrived at this place of happiness and joy alone, its true, but is not the complete truth and being completely honest is the only way I can be.  X says: that we need the support of other people, which is very true; we cannot make it alone without finding the support of another like minded person, but where I don’t completely agree is that it has to be at the physical level. I arrived here alone physically, but I got the support from another person that could see exactly what I saw and felt, but that support came through books. And I found this support at crucial time, because I don’t think I would have survived much longer alone with the Knowledge I always new.
I hope you are having a good day and free of pain. Best wishes, sylvie

From: XASubject: RE: need to clarify something...To: "'Sylvie Date: Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 11:25 AM

Sylvie – I’m so glad that you did find the support you needed, however it came. What we’re looking at now is about being here forever. I don’t think a book is going to do it for any of us in that regard. To live forever, it’s going to take people. This is a big one, because death comes by way of people too, which makes us not want to go too deep with people. So it has to be the RIGHT people. And we have to have the awareness of the difference. And that’s a huge thing to get in touch with! But then again, we are huge people, right?

From: Sylvie  Sent: Thursday, March 25, 2010 10:24 AMTo: XASubject: RE: need to clarify something...

Hi XA,
Nice to hear from you -- How have you been feeling? You have been in my mind a lot. I hope your pain has not been bothering you too much. I used to suffer from allergies and I have no doubt the reason I suffered from allergies was because of my childhood repression and as soon I made the connection and consciously felt the repressed emotions, still in me, from my childhood, the allergies left me. My allergies got really bad! Constantly running nose! Like a faucet! Eyes burning! I could not breathe! It was really bad! I am sooooo happy to finally be free from this condition and never have to take another allergy pill. When the time arrives that repression no longer works, the body symptoms get worse and worse to force us to pay attention and listen to the child we once were and feel the true emotions still repressed in us. It reminds me of Alice Miller’s words to one of her readers: “…..To give the Drama to your parents will hardly help you. Even if your parents changed, miraculously, the memory of what happened to you when you were a small child will stay unchanged and will need your feelings of pain and anger to be able to bring you the health and freedom you are looking for. ....”
  ....I went through this illusion for years, writing letters to my family and sending all of them books, but they could not face, see the truth and feel their repressed emotions and at the end I had to feel my pain of coming from a family that lacks courage and are not capable of seeing and feeling, and I had to feel all of my repressed emotions alone. I remember one day going through my rage towards my family and rip some of their pictures that I had with me in the States. Like Alice Miller said to his reader even if they “miraculously changed” I still would have to feel my repressed emotions and nothing could ever have change that. ....

Sometimes I feel a little concerned that ghost writing my project might trigger painful repressed emotions and if you are not ready to deal with you will lose interest in ghost writing my project.
 Looking forward to see you tomorrow, Sylvie

From: XASent: Thursday, March 25, 2010 03:59 PMTo: SylvieSubject: RE: need to clarify something...

Hi Sylvie – thanks for your email and I’m glad you enjoyed the radio show. I am doing really well and am looking forward to your project. I’m not afraid in the least. So pls. don’t worry about that. The thing that bothers me the most is boredom. And I don’t think you’re project is going to be boring.
I’ve been through a lot of tough things both before and after I woke to physical immortality. I went through a lot with my family and experienced a lot of frustration trying to get them to see what I saw. Finally I gave it up – one of the best things I ever did.

I agree that repression of childhood experiences can wreak havoc in the body. But I don’t think it’s the cause of all pain in the body. Sometimes we just need extra work in certain areas to build up our bodies from wear and tear, such as sports and sitting at a desk a lot and stuff like that.

My main childhood related thing was emotional pain. The more I woke up, the more I became aware of the depression in my body. It used to be a daily battle for me, but I never accepted it that I was supposed to be depressed. Quite the opposite, I knew it was a lie so I just kept going, until now I just don’t feel it anymore. This is great.

I will get you an estimate for the project by this weekend.
See you tomorrow!

From: sylvie Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 10:58 AMTo: XASubject: the danger of gurus


To Steven and all the others:  I'm not a guru.

Hi Steven, thank you so much for having raised the issue of "guruism" and your mistrust that I share with you.  To be a guru-believer and wanting to grow is in my opinion a contradiction in itself because a guru sells his "wisdom" at the price of people's authenticity.  I hope that nobody here will need to see in me a guru, especially if you make them aware of this danger to them, as you convincingly did in your letter of May 16 to Anna.

You wonder about my childhood.  Like you I was a stranger to everybody in my family.  Today, I know for sure that I was unwanted, rejected from the conception on, never loved, emotionally completely neglected, and used for the needs of others.  But above all I was lied to, I grew up with a perfect hypocrisy.  My parents, both absolutely unconscious of their true feelings, pretended to love me very much, and I believed this (because I so much needed this illusion) for more than 40 years of my life until I started to suspect the truth hidden behind their pretensions, hidden probably to them too.

Suspecting is not yet as much as knowing for sure but it was the start.  It took me 20 years more to get rid of my denial because I was so alone with the knowledge of my body and my dreams, and a wall of denial surrounded me wherever I opened my mouth.  Writing and painting were the only ways to continue with my search without being offended and "punished" for being the troublemaker.

The reactions to my writing showed me that what I discovered for me was true also for some others.  I felt then less alone.  I began to work with groups of young parents and found again and again the same pattern, the emotional blindness of parents who were afraid of confronting their past traumas and inflicting them unconsciously on their children.  And now we are finding it together on this forum.  Thus, for the first time in my life I no longer feel like a stranger, I feel belonging to a group of people who think like me, whom I don't need to convince, to inform, to shake, to wake up.  I am here with people who are not scared by what I am saying, who understand me because they have known the same terror, who say so many things that move me profoundly and with whom I can openly communicate like I always wanted but was not given the chance.

This is more than I ever dared to wish.  Talking freely about one's feelings, without using the well-known conventional defenses was in my opinion possible only in dreams or on another planet.  And now, surprisingly to myself, this became reality.  Unbelievable!

So please don't see me like a guru, this would again put me in a special position where I no longer want to be.  I am not your teacher or leader, am not giving advices or imposing anything on you, I am not your mother or grandmother, I am Alice, a sister in pain, like Bent's sister Toril who can tell him: I know what you are talking about, I know dad and mom and the answers they gave us because I can finally feel.  And Bent can say the same to Toril.  I am not the author here, I am one of the people who endured like you a horror in their childhood and who enjoy to know that what they say in English or German or whatever will not be received as sounding Chinese to others.  Can you imagine that I had this feeling all my life until recently?  Thank you all for being there.

Alice Miller

From: XASubject: RE: The danger of gurusTo: "'SylvieDate: Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 2:42 PM
About your last email . . . we are definitely not in to gurus. Gurus present themselves as sort of perfect, which is ridiculous, and then don’t let you get close enough to see how they really live on an every day basis. We are about a real togetherness, where everyone can manifest their total aliveness, not just a guru. I think it’s great to learn from one another, as long as each of us knows that we actually have to make the moves to live and doesn’t try to live through any one else.

See you tomorrow, hopefully!

From: Sylvie Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 8:23 PMTo: XASubject: RE: The danger of gurus.

Thank you XA – Yes! Life is a lot more enjoyable when is shared with other like minded people and truthful  have faced their own personal history and repressions, otherwise the compulsion of repetition will continue.
 hopefully I will see you after tomorrow, Sylvie

From: XA
Sent: Tursday, March 18, 2010 9:07 AM
To: Sylvie
Subject: The Danger of gurus.
So true, Sylvie. We wake up so that we don’t have to repeat any more
Also, about wondering if physical immortality is an illusion . . . what we are feeling is that the real illusion is that we have to fall apart and die. We feel this is all connected to an old way of living that doesn’t want to change, doesn’t want to wake up. So they live in the illusion that there is no other option, which frees them from the responsibility of really awake! But we are taking that responsibility because we are so tired of repeating the old life. We are waking ourselves up.

From: Sylvie  Sent: Monday, April 19, 2010 9:44 AMTo: XASubject: Re: Radio show

Good morning XA,
I hope the weekend event was fun. I have marked my calendar for next month event! So nothing will get in the way now, I am looking forward it, even though I feel going to a weekend event is like getting both feet in and I am not too comfortable with both feet in it. In my entire life I have never entered anything with both feet, I always have kept one foot out and looking back in my life I see it was a life saver, because I have avoided from falling into traps.
Have a great Monday, Sylvie

Schiavone: "You see all religions believe in a god..." Actually, Ms. Shene, not all religions believe in a deity or deities. Buddhism and Confucianism are examples. There are even Jews who consider themselves atheists. But even in doctrines, there are illusions, such as "negative" and "positive" feelings in Buddhism and the emphasis of respecting and honoring parents/ancestors regardless of how horrible they are in Confucianism and other secular philosophies. Even if the higher power isn't God, Allah, etc., parents/ancestors take the deity's place in this situation. Living in denial is dangerous whether someone believes in a god or not.

"Michael Jackson might still be here with us today if he had someone in his life with courage to speak the truth to him." True, but it would have been much better if he had the courage within him to condemn his cruel and greedy father. (And to a less extent, his mother for not doing enough to protect him and his siblings.) Yes, someone could have told him the truth, but it would have been up to him to accept it. In other words, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Posted by Schiavonne on Saturday, October 30, 2010 - 12:41 PM

Read more: Thank you Schiavone. You are right, not all religions believe in god, but all do have illusions!!! Thank you for bringing it to my attention and I will change it to most religions. I agree with everything you wrote. You are so right at the end it has to be the individual to have the courage to see and feel his own painful truth.

Posted by on Saturday, October 30, 2010 - 12:58 PM

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