Sunday, November 14, 2021

Malignant Narcissists Always Looking for Ammunition to Use one Day

 Dear Sylvie,


Thanks for your latest e.mail!

yes, I think we live in times, where the unsolved emotional problems unfold more intensely and become even more obvious than in the last decade.

there is so much disrespect and destruction all over the world, and very much so in the digital world, as well as in any other aspect of our lives... (health, society, etc.)

nevertheless, I still use youtube and found this piece performed by Muriel Anderson. I didn't know her and I have no clear idea, how her music found me. but I like to listen to this "strange" guitar and I learned, that the song "vincent" by mc lean is about vincent van Gogh. (whom of course is on another victim, who unfortunately stayed trapped in his childhood drama...)

Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYQDwAHVTfk

It's Saturday night... do you have to work? I sit here at home and don't want to escape too much from the rotten reality we live in. but maybe you like to listen to this piece :)

Dear Sylvie, we have to be very careful all the time and I find it especially hard to deal with my emotions, not suppressing them and not acting out...

Take good care

hugs

J



Dear J,

Glad to see you are hanging in there! Thank you for sharing the music video. Beautiful! Now, I work weekends and I'm off Tuesdays and Wednesdays but Sundays it's slow at work and I just listened to it! 

We have to be very careful with everyone, family or not family. Now, my niece, that was born on the same day as you, can't handle her emotions and is lashing out at scapegoats and is mad at me because I didn't go along with her in humiliating her aunt and cousin in front of the family group on Facebook. Now, out of revenge is making all my private messages, where sometimes I talk about my other family members' psychological assessments. 

I know dealing with emotions and consciously feeling them in the context of our childhood is not easy but it's the only way to liberate ourselves and become a conscious responsible adults. 

All these years she has been paying attention to me was not to learn from me on how to deal with our emotions when triggered by present events, heal and grow as a person but to gain ammunition to use one day! And is turning out her level of narcissism or repression to be the most dangerous!

I'm glad her charade is over... and now I'm free from her... I'm at the point in my life I just want to be left alone by everyone, family or not family! 

Hang in there,

Sylvie

I see clearly, Now! They took my words I wrote in private to use as ammunition to attack each other anonymously by breaking into the Facebook pages of two old ladies. What do we call people like that? Oh, I know! We call them Cowards! They hate each other, but here is proof that they are each other's mirrors, and the only difference between them is that one is better off financially and her violence is more overt and the other her violence is more covert or passive-aggressive.

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Lost in Projections and Transferences

“The grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail.”
― Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

Now everyone that knows Portuguese knows how bad my Portuguese is! 🇵🇹 If I knew a deranged person would be taking screenshots of my private messages and making them public. I would have tried to write better!

F is someone that spent a lot of time with me but didn't learn anything from me! Because I didn't go along with her and just told her to walk away that is not worth fighting over money – it triggered her repressed hatred and is directing it towards me, and right now, is making me her number one scapegoat! Instead of taking responsibility for her emotions and consciously feeling them within the context of her own childhood. She is letting herself be driven by the repressed emotions of the child she once was to hurt others -- she stole E's Facebook page account -- to take revenge -- on me and others for the mistakes of her mother.

This was an opportunity for her to take responsibility for her childhood repression and consciously feel her emotions within the context of her childhood and be free but instead just like her mother is lost in projections and transferences towards scapegoats.

She doesn't understand stealing someone's Facebook account to harass people is a bigger crime than the crime of her aunt that got money from her mother! And she is not different or better than the people she hates so much!

If her mother gives her money away is her mother’s problem, not hers, but I guess she is worried she doesn’t make enough money for herself and wants her mother’s money too!

If she was the target of a mob of sociopaths like I was at my job of nine and half years and lost more than half of her income -- She would be already, in jail, mental hospital, or dead!

In the face of adversity is when people show who they really are! Now, I know who she really is and how dangerous the level of her childhood repression is.

It’s amazing to me how people reenact their childhood dramas to a T and treat others exactly the same way they were treated as a defenseless little girls and boys. Her mother used to stalk her when she was a little girl and now she is stalking others too! She read my book and she should have learned to understand her emotions and consciously feel them in the context of her own childhood.

E needs help recovering her Facebook account and at this point, she just wants to delete completely her Facebook page, maybe your son C can go visit her and help her delete her Facebook page.

She wants to win at all costs, but always someone will come along down the road that will beat you at your own game. It's just a matter of time. By refusing to play the game you will save your life but for that, you have to face your own painful truths. And this is why people go on playing the games people play until the very end because they are too afraid to face the fears of resolving childhood repression. They rather kill or be killed than face their own painful truths.


“Humiliations, spankings, and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away. However, as adults, most abused children will suffer, and let others suffer, from these injuries. This dynamic of violence can deform some victims into hangmen who take revenge even on whole nations and become willing executors to dictators as unutterably appalling as Hitler and other cruel leaders.” Alice Miller

I witness these psychological mechanisms being played everywhere. This is one of the reasons most people stayed silent on the sidelines when I was the target of psychological warfare at my job of nine and a half years, if I didn't understand these psychological mechanisms, and I had taken it personally, would have affected my mental health to the point that I would not be here today... understanding these psychological dynamics can save your life -- you might lose money but it will save your life and you stay free.

Repressed hatred cannot ever be resolved when is directed at scapegoats. Hatred can only be resolved when is understood and consciously felt within the context of our own childhood, otherwise, we will endlessly need scapegoats in our lives to temporarily and superficially alleviate childhood repression. It's amazing to me how smart people with a DR in front of their name or a Ph.D. at the end cannot understand and make this fundamental connection. And remain stuck lost in projections and transferences their entire lives. The words Alice Miller wrote in the article below are so true:
"...hatred can poison the organism, but only as long as it is unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats. When that happens, hatred cannot be resolved. Suppose, for example, that I hate a specific ethnic group but have never allowed myself to realize how my parents treated me when I was a child, how they left me crying for hours in my cot when I was a baby, how they never gave me so much as a loving glance. If that is the case, then I will suffer from a latent form of hatred that can pursue me throughout my whole life and cause all kinds of physical symptoms. But if I know what my parents did to me in their ignorance and have a conscious awareness of my indignation at their behavior, then I have no need to re-direct my hatred at other persons. In the course of time, my hatred for my parents may weaken, or it may resolve itself temporarily, only to flare up again as a result of events in the present or new memories. But I know what this hatred is all about. Thanks to the feelings I have actively experienced, I now know myself well enough, AND I HAVE NO COMPULSION TO KILL OR HARM ANYONE BECAUSE OF MY FEELINGS OF HATRED. We frequently meet people who are grateful to their parents for the beatings they received when they were little, or who assert that they have long since forgotten the sexual molestation they suffered at their hands. They say that in prayer they have forgiven their parents for their “sins.” But at the same time, they feel a compulsion to resort to physical violence in the upbringing of their children and/or to interfere with them sexually. Every pedophile openly displays his “love” of children and has no idea that deep down he is avenging himself for the things done to him as a child. Though he is not consciously aware of this hatred, he is still subject to its dictates.
Such LATENT hatred is indeed dangerous and difficult to resolve because it is not directed at the person who has caused it but at substitute figures. Cemented in different kinds of perversion, it can sustain itself for life and represents a serious threat, not only to the environment of the person harboring it, but also to that person him/herself.CONSCIOUS, REACTIVE hatred is different. Like any other feeling, this can recede and fade away once we have lived it through. If our parents have treated us badly, possibly even sadistically, and we are able to face up to the fact, then of course we will experience feelings of hatred. As I have said, such feelings may weaken or fade away altogether in the course of time, though this never happens from one day to the next. The full extent of the mistreatment inflicted upon a child cannot be dealt with all at once. Coming to terms with it is an extended process in which aspects of the mistreatment are allowed into our consciousness one after the other, thus rekindling the feeling of hatred. But in such cases, hatred is not dangerous. It is a logical consequence of what happened to us, a consequence only fully perceived by the adult, whereas the child was forced to tolerate it in silence for years. Alongside reactive hatred of the parents and latent hatred deflected onto scapegoats, there is also the justified hatred for a person tormenting us in the present, either physically or mentally, a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome.

“Inability to face up to the suffering undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature. But ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting” by Alice Miller

I know a few mothers that love to play the victim role running back and forward from their family to her family of origin complaining about being their victim. Done this all of her life. And each side always feels sorry for the little woman that now is in her 80s, that never was able to take responsibility for her own actions and life choices. "By playing the victim and making the child responsible for her life and actions, the mother enmeshes the two identities. Assigning the child the role of rescuer—or encouraging him or her to take it on—also enmeshes and obliterates the healthy boundaries that should exist between the parent and child. This can remain a problem long into adulthood."

People with extra money without achieving emotional liberation -- money will be their demise. Rich and poor are different ends of the same stick

To everyone's life comes a day that we have to ask ourselves: what's more important - our freedom and mental health or the money?

The damage that is done to children that were unconsciously assigned the role of the hero is massive...

Children assigned the role of the hero are set up for failure...

"Domineering behavior includes ordering a partner around; monitoring time and activities; restricting resources (finances, telephone); restricting social activities; isolating a partner from their family or friends; interfering with opportunities (job, education, medical care); excessive jealousy and possessiveness; throwing objects; threatening to harm people, pets or property; and forcing or coercing a partner into illegal activity."
- Beverly Engel

I'm on my own! You're on your own! We only have ourselves! The sooner you face this painful truth! The freer you will become!

I'm so used to people getting mad at me for speaking my truth that doesn't bother me anymore...

I have been gone for 40 yrs and I'm 8595.506 kilometers away from them and I'm still being blamed for the dramas they create. Nothing has changed!

If you were assigned the role of scapegoat in childhood, they will never stop making you their scapegoat! The only way to protect yourself is to walk away and stay away.

I'm tired and I'm getting old to go along with people's crap and emotional blindness anymore, no matter who they are. I just want people to leave me alone.

Most people can't change because they can't bear to face the painful truths in their lives and feel the pain.

"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes a blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis." -- Alice Miller

People become control freaks to avoid of facing their fears of feeling their own painful truths. They fall into the illusion if they get others to behave a certain way then they will not have to face and feel their own painful truths.

She fell into her mother's trap! Her mother knows money is her big trigger and the hook to rein her in to act the part she wants her to act in her twisted drama.

Want to be free don't engage no matter what! And allow yourself the time to feel the pain and mourn the mother you wish you had and deserved but never got

Have compassion for yourself and everyone else. After all, almost everyone has been a victim of their childhood.

Having compassion for ourselves and others doesn't mean we don't take steps to protect ourselves, from now on, from those still dangerously repressed...

In the end, we can only save ourselves and if we manage to do that, it's a lot! We can throw others' life jackets but it's up to them to use them.

My book A Dance to Freedom is a life jacket for anyone that wants to use it. It's my gift to the world

We grew apart and I'm really sorry we departed like this but I have learned, relationships never end on a good note when malignant narcissists are involved.

It is what it is.
I hope you find your peace

The longer you are in an intimate relationship with a narcissist the harder it gets to leave and the more crazy and dangerous it gets

Now I see how dangerous her level of repression is... and money is her trigger

She and her mother think are superior and better but they will go through exactly the same hell as most people and money will not save them.

This was an opportunity for her to resolve her childhood repression and be free but instead, she chooses to stay in her mother's emotional prison!

It's very sad when people lose opportunities to start their own emotional work-- our most important work in life --and instead, she stays trapped using scapegoats...

I'm so happy I'm not in Portugal!!! I would be her number one scapegoat and she would eat me alive!

F, I know she is using her mother's Facebook page to leak private conversations. She is a coward using the Facebook pages of old people to do her dirty work, she should be using her own Facebook page but she wants to have her hands clean, this means, she is conscious of what she is doing and that is wrong and that makes her pure evil. The devil she sees in her aunt and cousin is also in her too, they are her mirror and she doesn't like her own reflections, that's why she hates them so much! This was an opportunity to really heal or resolve the repressed emotions of the child she once was, triggered by present events, and free herself but instead, she is letting herself be driven by the unresolved repressed hatred and jealousy of the child she once was to satisfy her thirst for revenge, but in the end, the person she hurts the most will be herself, and she is showing that she is no better than the people she accuses of wrongdoing and hates so much! The people she accuses of wrongdoing, do what they do, out of need, and desperation, but she has no need to do what she is doing. Two wrongs don't make it right. She is unhinged with no self-control and now is showing how dangerous her level of narcissism or repression really is. If she wants to help herself I gave her the tools, it's up to her to use them. I'm free and I'm staying free. And she can keep going down on the path to self-destruction!
She is no different than the sociopaths at my last job of nine and a half years.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2015/02/driven-by-jealousy-to-hurt-others.html

The mind it's an amazing thing, if given the courage, truth, time, and safe space -- it will heal itself -- if pathways have been permanently damaged by trauma -- it will create new pathways -- it might be longer routes, but it will get you to your destination.

Life is pure ecstasy when you are free from childhood repression

When our excruciating repressed emotions are understood and consciously felt in the right context, they start to subside and this is how we free ourselves...

As long as people keep repressing their emotions with the aid of medication and distractions. They don't get resolved and they remain stuck in an emotional prison.

When repressed emotions are triggered by present events are opportunities to resolve your childhood repression and be free. Don't waste your opportunities...

Once your childhood repression is resolved. No one can push your buttons ever again! Because you no longer have buttons to be pushed.

F: No one can awaken in us what does not exist within us (repressed)🙏and this freedom is incredible❤️

Sylvie: F, it's pure ecstasy! It's real freedom that money can't buy. And this is why I was the target at my job of nine and a half years by a mob of sociopaths, malignant narcissists, assholes, or whatever you like to call them. They were jealous of me because they had so much money but I was happier and freer than them. So they wanted to steal my freedom and happiness. But once your mind is truly free cannot ever be captured again! What I have cannot be bought with money and can't be stolen.
"Sylvie's place: Driven by Jealousy to Hurt Others"

Remember your mother installed all of your buttons and knows exactly where to push to get a reaction out of you...

So in order to heal, the person you need to separate the most from is your mother!

"KEY POINTS
The covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-esteem in childhood.
Covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive-aggressive means of controlling others due to their fear of being exposed and humiliated.
Tactics of a covert narcissist might include belittling, triangulation, and avoiding direct responsibility."
"52 Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist | Psychology Today"

The Narcissist
"Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement
Is envious and vengeful
Prefers to remain behind the scenes
Fixates on others’ problems and misfortunes
Like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-esteem in childhood. Both feel defective and cope with underlying insecurity and shame by repressing those feelings and adopting a grandiose persona, a delusion of superiority and entitlement that they constantly assert at the expense of those around them."
"52 Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist | Psychology Today Canada"

Now she is using her mother's Facebook page to satisfy her thirst for revenge. Remember the best revenge is living well.

Remember taking revenge will humiliate you more than the people you trying to humiliate. If you don't let go and walk away you will be the one to look bad.

Fake people have an image to maintain
real people just don't give a fxck

Narcissists are all the same: Idealize, devalue and discard. When in the idealize phase, they mimic you to T to fool you that they are like you. She mimicked me perfectly.

But now we know she is not like me! Her obsession with money brought to the surface her true colors.

All the time she spent with me was not to grow as a person but to use me to get enlightened information to give her an advantage in the games people play.

Anything you get from a narcissist always comes with strings attached.

"MANY PROBLEMS APPEAR in a new light when we look to childhood as a source of possible explanations. We are living in an age in which democracies are gaining the upper hand over dictatorships. At the same time, the cult-group phenomenon is an indication that there is a growth in the number of totalitarian systems to which people voluntarily submit themselves. People growing up in a spirit of liberty and tolerance, accepted in childhood for what they are, rather than being throttled and stunted by their upbringing, would hardly place themselves at the mercy of a cult group of their own accord. And if by chance or skillful manipulation, they did fall afoul of such an organization, they certainly would not stay there very long."
-- Alice Miller from the book “Paths of Life: seven scenarios”

I see people connected all the time by fear, hatred, and by money, but seldom do I see people connected by love.




The dissociation is real

 The dissociation is real … if I were to keep a single pig in a dark shed, in a cage so small it couldn’t turn around…  Leave it there with the burning smell of urine and poop to have babies that I eat, people would consider me a monster.  But if someone pays a large corporation to do this to millions of pigs, that’s just fine, and when I object I am emotionally unstable.   Also, if you were to treat a pig beautifully and then kill it to eat, most people would consider that humane … but exchange the pig for a dog … well then again … you are a monster … even though a pig and a dog suffer just the same.   People call cultures that eat dogs barbaric but eat animals that suffer just the same, and basically, we are telling other cultures that they are torturing and killing the wrong animals … they should be torturing and killing the animals we do.… racist as well as dissociative. Brenda Dendaas


Brenda Dendaas, I agree with every word you wrote. Humanity is very sick, evil, unconscious, and compulsive looking for scapegoats to take revenge for the wrongs done to them when they were defenseless little children... the dissociation is real indeed...

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Using our Triggers Constructively

 C,

You tried to humiliate your aunt and cousin in front of the family and because I didn’t go along with you, and I wrote the words below -- you got mad --and things after that spiraled out of control. 

This shows me you just want to be surrounded by YES people that go along and agree with you all the time! And you still don’t understand your emotions when they are triggered by present events and let yourself compulsively be driven by them.

I wrote: “I already know that! It's better to let go... one thing I have learned is that it's not worth it fighting over money! At the end of our journey where we go, we can't take our money with us anyway! What we leave behind someone else will get to use our money for good or bad and we will not have a saying by then!!! The reality is, as long your mother is alive, she's entitled to give her money to wherever she wants and we don't have to like it! Unless L is declared mentally insane, she can do with her money whatever she wants...”

I feel like all this time I spent with you has been wasted just like your mother’s money! Time to me has more value than money!

The aunt you hate so much is lost and stuck playing the same roles as your mother -- of the hero and victim -- and are one and the same -- so if your hate your aunt -- you also hate your mother, but your aunt is not responsible for your childhood traumas -- your mother and father are.

You have made your aunts your scapegoats your entire life. Maybe, I'm a little guilty that I have not tried to explain this to you more clearly before, that you were making your aunts and cousin your scapegoats.

If you were really smart you would walk away and let go of your mother and her money, and let all of them be. 

You are at crossroads and have to ask yourself what is more important to you -- your freedom or your mother’s money? If you choose to stay in your mother’s emotional prison to guard her money -- you stay stuck – and it can be very dangerous and destructive to both of you.

You need to stay away from your mother for you to heal and be free. But that’s your choice and you are the one wasting your life and dying in an emotional prison like most people in our world. Money alone has never saved anyone! If you didn’t make your own money and needed your mother’s money to survive would be one thing but you don’t need her money and this addiction to money can be the destruction to both of you.

This is an opportunity for you to heal and liberate yourself.

Just like I wrote in my book on pages 129, 163, and 164:

“The key to effective therapy is learning how to use your present triggers productively. They can help us clarify, understand, and consciously feel our intense emotions within the context of our own childhoods without losing our adult consciousness. A good therapist can help us regain our adult consciousness if we lose it and encourage our autonomy, so we can deal with present issues from an adult perspective.

Just remember this: If particular people or circumstances trigger excruciatingly intense feelings inside you, just keep telling yourself that these are the repressed feelings of the child you once were. Feelings don’t kill anyone no matter how intense they are. Only actions kill. So if you ride your intense feelings into shore, direct them at the real culprits who hurt you when you were a defenseless child and avoid taking any actions you may regret later, you’ll be free and no one will get hurt. As an autonomous adult, you do have some control over the people you let into your inner circle, and you may have to make some relationship adjustments as you do your emotional work. I took a lot of extra time to be with myself in solitude because most of the people in my life just didn’t understand what I was going through. When you’re trying to resolve your repression, being around unconscious people who are doing everything they can to avoid their own truths puts you at risk of relapsing into playing your old roles.”

I wish you the courage and strength to spend time alone in solitude to face your painful truths and feel your triggered emotions within the context of your own childhood.

 

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Once Again I Became the Target of Someone's Hatred

I became the target of someone's hatred because I didn't join in in humiliating her scapegoats in front of the family group. It makes me sad when people are blinded by latent hatred towards scapegoats. "Those children who are beaten will, in turn, give beatings, those who are intimidated will be intimidating, those who are humiliated will impose humiliation, and those whose souls are murdered will murder." Alice Miller

Also, these words Alice Miller wrote to me come truer every day: “Thank you for your thoughtful letter I agree with you that there is a difference between the powerless, legitimate rage of a desperate child that reacts to the cruelty of their parents and the rage of the adult who is attacking others out of denial of their history by imitating the behavior of own parents from the position of "power" (even grandiosity). The first rage (of the child) should be felt and expressed in therapy, it can be then RESOLVED. The second one (of the adult), directed toward scapegoats, can NEVER be resolved (see dictators). If therapists see it as an endpoint of their therapies and don’t enable the patients to confront the early parents and the feelings of that time they do much HARM to them. Staying trapped in the hatred toward scapegoats can't be the successful end of a therapy. I hope that you can continue your work if you have this difference in mind and can also explain it in your forum.” https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/05/scapegoating.html

Friday, October 15, 2021

About Transference

How do you explain to a person that the money is the trigger of the latent repressed hatred of the child she once was at her mother, now, directed at her aunts' --- making them her scapegoats. 

For repressed hatred to be resolved it has to be seen, understood, and consciously felt within the context of our own childhood, otherwise, we will endlessly be lost in projections and transferences with a constant need of scapegoats or poison containers in our lives. 

The money is just giving her permission to hate her aunts instead of her mother. Sadly, in our society, if you publicly, admit that you hate your mother, you will be condemned, rejected, and ostracized in the eyes of society, so it's a lot safer to direct your latent repressed hatred at substitute figures or scapegoats. 

It makes me sad to witness people all the time waste opportunities for true liberation -- and see them staying trapped in the emotional prisons of their own childhoods that the only changes they make, is reversing the roles, where, the mother becomes the child and the adult child plays the role of the mother that treats the aging mother, exactly, the same way the mother treated her when she was a small defenseless little child. 

Everywhere I look I see this scenario being reenacted either with their own parents or people standing in symbolizing their own parents or childhood caregivers. 

Also, read the article about hatred in the link below:  
https://www.alice-miller.com/en/what-is-hatred/  

Sunday, October 3, 2021

What is Hatred ?

Repressed hatred cannot ever be resolved when is directed at scapegoats. Hatred can only be resolved when is understood and consciously felt within the context of our own childhood, otherwise, we will endlessly need scapegoats in our lives to temporarily and superficially alleviate childhood repression.

It's amazing to me how smart people with a DR in front of their name or a Ph.D. at the end cannot understand and make this fundamental connection. And remain stuck lost in projections and transferences their entire lives. The words Alice Miller wrote in the article below are so true:

"...hatred can poison the organism, but only as long as it is unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats.

When that happens, hatred cannot be resolved. Suppose, for example, that I hate a specific ethnic group but have never allowed myself to realize how my parents treated me when I was a child, how they left me crying for hours in my cot when I was a baby, how they never gave me so much as a loving glance. If that is the case, then I will suffer from a latent form of hatred that can pursue me throughout my whole life and cause all kinds of physical symptoms.

But if I know what my parents did to me in their ignorance and have a conscious awareness of my indignation at their behavior, then I have no need to re-direct my hatred at other persons.

In the course of time, my hatred for my parents may weaken, or it may resolve itself temporarily, only to flare up again as a result of events in the present or new memories.

But I know what this hatred is all about. Thanks to the feelings I have actively experienced, I now know myself well enough, AND I HAVE NO COMPULSION TO KILL OR HARM ANYONE BECAUSE OF MY FEELINGS OF HATRED.

We frequently meet people who are grateful to their parents for the beatings they received when they were little, or who assert that they have long since forgotten the sexual molestation they suffered at their hands.

They say that in prayer they have forgiven their parents for their “sins.” But at the same time, they feel a compulsion to resort to physical violence in the upbringing of their children and/or to interfere with them sexually.

Every pedophile openly displays his “love” for children and has no idea that deep down he is avenging himself for the things done to him as a child. Though he is not consciously aware of this hatred, he is still subject to its dictates.

Such LATENT hatred is indeed dangerous and difficult to resolve because it is not directed at the person who has caused it but at substitute figures.

Cemented in different kinds of perversion, it can sustain itself for life and represents a serious threat, not only to the environment of the person harboring it, but also to that person him/herself.

CONSCIOUS, REACTIVE hatred is different. Like any other feeling, this can recede and fade away once we have lived it through. If our parents have treated us badly, possibly even sadistically, and we are able to face up to the fact, then of course we will experience feelings of hatred.

As I have said, such feelings may weaken or fade away altogether in the course of time, though this never happens from one day to the next.

The full extent of the mistreatment inflicted upon a child cannot be dealt with all at once. Coming to terms with it is an extended process in which aspects of the mistreatment are allowed into our consciousness one after the other, thus rekindling the feeling of hatred.

But in such cases, hatred is not dangerous. It is a logical consequence of what happened to us, a consequence only fully perceived by the adult, whereas the child was forced to tolerate it in silence for years.

Alongside reactive hatred of the parents and latent hatred deflected onto scapegoats, there is also the justified hatred for a person tormenting us in the present, either physically or mentally, a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome.

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