This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Yes, the narcissist punishment is living all of their lives and dying in an emotional prison.
"You can’t concentrate on external things and status symbols and be happy. You can’t be happy and abusive at the same time. You can’t mistreat and manipulate others and be happy. That’s not what real happiness is about.
Real happiness comes from within, from a strong sense of self, from growing as a human being, and from being a decent person. So if your core self is rotten, if you are severely disconnected, if you are not growing, and if you are a hurtful person, it’s impossible to be genuinely happy. The best you can do is desperately manage your shaky and skewed false self.
So what’s a malignant narcissist’s punishment? It’s their existence. It’s their inner prison. It’s waking up every day into their life that—despite possessions, power, and status symbols that they may have—they hate deep down. And then one day they die, and it’s all over. That’s the sad reality of a wasted and miserable life. And that’s their natural punishment." Read more at the link below:
I'm the sociopath's worst nightmare! I agree with almost everything the author of this article wrote. But I don't agree that some psychopaths, sociopaths, malignant narcissists, assholes, or whatever you like to call these evil people -- that they use their psychopath traits --- to help people -- these malignant people make sure all the good acts they do are in the public eye -- to cultivate a good image and gain power over others -- so if anyone dares to expose their true nature -- no one will believe them because they do so much "good"! Like I always say: most "helpers" are helping themselves! When there are no witnesses they enjoy hurting others -- they are sadists -- they don't care about anyone else but themselves. They only want good things for themselves! Hurting and destroying others' lives is their painkilling drug. It's an addiction that keeps their own childhood repression intact. Just like I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedompage 118: "... as long our pain remains repressed we will unconsciously and compulsively do to others what was once done to us."
"I want to debunk the misconception that sociopaths and narcissists are smarter than empaths. To many people’s surprise, empaths are absolutely intellectually superior to sociopaths and narcissists. Empaths are grounded in reality, capable of abstract thought, and they are creative.
Narcissists and sociopaths lack all three of these traits. Empaths have the intellect and the creativity to manipulate and even exploit the narcissist 1000 times worse than they could ever imagine. Just because targets don’t exploit does not mean they can’t, or that they couldn’t, do an even better job than the sociopath.
Empaths don’t exploit narcissists or sociopaths because we have morals and values. And moreover, empaths are not in the business of hurting people.
I certainly don’t want targets to abuse their abuser, but I do want to encourage targets to start engaging in self-protection by utilizing their creativity to come up with nonviolent strategies to counter-manipulate narcissists into staying away from them. Counter-manipulation is used by targets to STOP the abuser from manipulating them. This is not something to feel guilty about, but it is, in fact, a very healthy behavior called self-care.
If you are a target, please remember, that you are smarter than the narcissist, because you are grounded in reality, and that in itself is a huge intellectual advantage.
I personally pity the fool who tries to mess with an enlightened empath full of self-knowledge!" Read more HERE
During the love-bombing or idealizing phase, they are trying to get you hooked, and once they think you are hooked, they will back off. Your reactions to their withdrawal of affection -- when you try to bridge the gap and return things like they were at the beginning of the relationship, this is a better supply to them than the love-bombing or idealized phase! The target who is yelling and fighting to get things on an even keel is priceless to the person playing mind games.
This person never loved or liked us during the love-bombing or idealizing phase, but they are at least engaged and entertained in securing our affection "the game". They do not love us also during the devalue phase, but our reaction to the devalue phase is still nevertheless engaging and ego-boosting for them.
Building up and tearing down, it doesn't matter - it is all source of supply for the person playing games. All actions cause a reaction, and that constitutes the supply. When they don't get a reaction from their target, they move on and start the whole process with a new target. They never change, they will play this game forever, until they take their last breath. Sad.
"Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or exaggeration of the truth. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.
In its milder forms, gaslighting creates a subtle but inequitable power dynamic in a relationship, with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter’s unreasonable, rather than fact-based, scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of mind-control and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can occur in personal relationships, with verbal, emotional, and/or physical hostility from one partner to the other; at the workplace, when a supervisor regularly and unfairly berates employees; or across an entire nation, as when commercial advertising or public figures make pronouncements that are clearly contrary to the public good."
"It is hard to stand firm when one person is trying to replace your experience, but when they have a chorus of supporters, it is nearly impossible. There is a reason why cult abuse can lead to a complete breakdown of someone’s personality. Group manipulation and abuse is devastatingly effective. I cannot easily explain the level of shame and fear that a group you are deeply invested in can produce with a coordinated attack. We need to be very careful of this in poly groups so we do not exploit this power or unwittingly enable abuse.”
Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that involves manipulating someone into questioning their own reality. The gaslighter presents their own thoughts and feelings as the truth, and may lie repeatedly to control the other person.
Malignant narcissistsare social chameleons who can fit perfectly into any situation. They are experts at morphing their identities to get what they want and mirroring others for money, sex, and — most commonly — attention. Because of their ability to idealize others, malignant narcissists are often perceived as charming, innocent, and fun to unsuspecting onlookers and casual acquaintances. But there is another side to them. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Malignant narcissists like to surround themselves with emotionally blind people who can be easily manipulated and must get rid of anyone who can see through them.
"The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him."
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen page 71
Triangulation is a psychological manipulation tactic where one person uses threats of exclusion or manipulation to divide and conquer. It's often done through indirect communication, often behind someone's back. The triangulator's goal is to avoid direct interactions by pitting two people against one another. Triangulation can be overt or insidious, and many people don't realize they've been triangulated until it's too late.
Triangulation is commonly found in people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD). For example, people with BPD may use triangulation to receive reassurance and avoid feelings of abandonment. They may do this by manipulating someone else to feel jealous, thereby proving their love and commitment to them.
Triangulation can be a common tactic in toxic relationships or toxic friendships. It can also affect children's personality and their adolescent development. For example, in a romantic relationship, one partner might use manipulation tactics to create drama and control the other person.
Learning assertive communication skills can help reduce the risk of triangulation. You can try practicing techniques to tactfully say what you mean and mean what you say, even if you have feelings of discomfort while doing so. Gaining confidence in sharing your feelings with people can be helpful and lead to healthy conflict resolution.
Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic that can make people feel powerless and weak by asking others for help. People who play the victim may:
Take responsibility: They may not take responsibility for their actions, but instead blame others.
Have limited empathy: They may blame others for their current situation, even when they are partly to blame.
Hold grudges: They may hold onto old grievances and make others feel bad about their actions.
Complain a lot: They may focus on things going wrong and lack, rather than the bigger picture.
Deflect responsibility: They may deflect responsibility for how they made others feel.
Compare themselves to others: They may blame others for failure and think of reasons why they will fail.
People who have a victim mentality may have suffered through trauma or hard times, but haven't developed a healthier way to cope. This can lead to a negative view of life, where they feel that they don't have any control over what happens to them. As a result, they may have little or no sense of responsibility for their lives. Read More HERE
Dry begging is a psychological manipulation tactic that narcissists use to get what they want without directly asking for it. For example, a narcissist might send a message like, "You never care about me" or "I'm so hurt that you're not here for me when I need you". These messages aim to make you feel responsible for their emotions, even when it's unwarranted.
Here are some other examples of dry begging:
Shaming and belittling
Hidden grandiose superiority
Feelings of disregard toward others
Gaslighting
Self-deprecating superiority
Emotionally inaccessible to others
Hypersensitivity
Narcissists often lack empathy, and may be envious of others or believe that others are envious of them. They may also show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Some ways to challenge a narcissist's sense of superiority include: using words like “no,” “accountability,” “consequences,” and “empathy, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself.
Blame shifting is a manipulative tactic that involves someone trying to avoid responsibility for their actions by blaming someone else. It can be a form of verbal abuse that's meant to make the target feel guilty or ashamed.
Here are some examples of blame-shifting:
Comforting a partner instead of dealing with an issue
Shifting the focus to how someone was confronted instead of the problem
Blaming someone for something they allegedly did
Pretending something was a joke
Saying someone is too thin-skinned
Gaslighting
Some techniques used while shifting blame include: Minimizing, Playing the victim, and Pretending to not be at fault.
Blame shifting can be a common tactic in narcissistic abuse.
Emotional manipulation is a type of psychological manipulation that involves controlling someone's emotions. It's often done through persuasion, coercion, or emotional blackmail. Emotional manipulation is a type of emotional abuse that commonly occurs in toxic relationships or abusive relationships.
Some signs of emotional manipulation include:
Exploiting a relationship: The manipulator may use tactics to create an imbalance of power, such as always meeting in their own space.
Probing questions: The manipulator may ask probing questions to establish control and use your answers to manipulate your decisions.
Sharing secrets: The manipulator may share their darkest secrets and vulnerabilities to make you feel special.
Making you feel guilty: The manipulator may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings.
Consistently making you feel drained: The manipulator may consistently make you feel emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, or doubtful of your own needs, thoughts, and feelings.
Undermining self-esteem: The manipulator may consistently undermine your self-esteem.
Adopting a victim mentality: The manipulator may adopt a victim mentality to evoke sympathy.
Gaslighting: The manipulator may use gaslighting techniques to sow doubt in your perception.
Other manipulative behavior includes: Passive-aggressive behavior, Lying and blaming, Threats and coerciveness, Withdrawal and withholding, and Isolation.
Emotional manipulation can be hard to detect. You can follow your gut instinct when it comes to recognizing what is occurring.
Long term effects of emotional manipulation include:
Isolation and numbness
Feeling little to nothing at all, even in situations that should make you joyful
Feeling hopeless and damaged, unable to ever feel emotions again. Read more HERE
Future faking is a manipulative tactic where someone makes false promises about the future to get something in the present. The goal is to make the other person believe the person making the promises is more invested in the relationship than they actually are. Future faking is often used by narcissists or toxic people to get off scot-free, delay a commitment, obtain resources, or avoid a conflict.
Future faking can happen in any type of relationship, but is more common in romantic relationships. For example, a future faking person might say "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" or "I want to marry you".They may also use future faking to distract you when you are starting to feel discontent about the relationship.
Future faking can impact relationships in the following ways:Erosion of trust and communication, Insecurity, and Impact on self-esteem.
Some examples of future faking include:
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you"
"I want to marry you"
"We'll go to Hawaii on our honeymoon"
"I can see us settling down together, having two kids, and being very happy in the country" Read more HERE
Hoovering is a type of emotional abuse or blackmail where a narcissistic person uses manipulative behaviors to pull someone back into an abusive relationship. This can include apologies, promises, love bombing, stalking, threats of suicide, or violence.
Hoovering can occur when the abuser feels unworthy and fears losing the relationship. Some signs of being hoovered include:
Being manipulated back into a relationship against your will
Twisting the conversation
Declaration of love
Repentance
Threatening to harm themselves
Using others to get to you
Excessive gifts
Overpromising
False crises
Hoovering can quickly escalate to more dangerous territory. For example, a narcissist might:
Seem apologetic and make promises about changing
Use qualifiers that show they still hold you responsible for their behavior and actions
Suddenly express remorse
Use this tactic to give the illusion of change and convince the victim that things will be different if they return
Someone who has actually changed will acknowledge the hurt they've caused or take behavioral steps like therapy.
Narcissistic abuse is called hidden abuse for a reason. Many cannot see it and don't see it. It happens behind closed doors. It happens mostly to the spouse/significant other and/or close family or coworker. It doesn't happen all the time. It's a cycle. A narcissist can seem very healthy and together as a person to most. You know the truth.
The thing that is really unfortunate is, that most people don't learn about narcissistic abuse until after they have been through it. Even if they saw information on narcissism, it sounds so insane, that people don't believe or overlook this information. Gaslighting, conditioning, wearing masks, deception and more, are all a part of narcissistic abuse. Would you have believed all of this if you didn't go through it? Would you have understood the terminology? Most people don't believe people like this exist. Most people don't learn about it until it happens to them. That is what is so unfortunate not everyone is interested in learning about this until it actually applies to them. -Maria Consiglio
"Imagine being bit by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the
poison, you are trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn't deserve that." Read that again!
I once loved someone so much that I tried to fix them while they were trying unconsciously or consciously to break me.
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) is a tactical maneuver manipulators use to groom individuals, and, indeed, entire social groups. It involves controlling people’s perception of events through a specific sequence of actions. Those who experience the DARVO process often feel disoriented as the perpetrator of abuse actively revises the facts and distorts the truth. By crafting a fictional narrative that bears no resemblance to reality, they sow seeds of doubt. Bystanders, regrettably, accept the manipulator’s lies as truth. Meanwhile, the recipient of the abuse becomes a scapegoat and a target of vilification.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender. It is a defense mechanism used by manipulators when they are confronted for their actions to evade accountability. DARVO is a fusion of gaslighting and blame-shifting. The term was first presented in a 1997 article by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the Center for Institutional Courage.
“The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim – or the whistleblower – into an alleged offender.”
Jennifer J. Freyd
What does it look like?
DARVO occurs in the following sequence:
Step 1. Deny.The process begins with adamant refusal to accept any responsibility or acknowledge having a role or any involvement in the harmful behavior or actions. The truthful account of the events is stridently rejected and minimized. Denial seeks to deflect blame. Consequently, it also implies that it is in fact the perpetrator who is being subjects to an injustice by being wrongly accused of something they did not do. Denial distorts or disregards the reality of a situation.
Step 2. Attack.The second stage of DARVO involves character assassination with the aim of redirecting blame onto the person who confronted the perpetrator, scapegoating the innocent party, and burdening them with accountability for the crimes of the aggressor. By shifting blame away from themselves, manipulators preserve their self-image, reputation, and/or position of power. It shields them from criticism and negative judgment. DARVO attacks often involve victim-blaming, distorting facts, minimizing the impact of their own actions, and exaggerating the faults of whoever confronts the perpetrator. The attack is essentially asmear campaign.
Step 3. Reverse Victim and Offender.Once the character assassination has formed a critical mass of bystanders who are successfully deceived by the manipulator’s false narrative, the victim-survivors is subjects to the painful process of scapegoating. Thus the final stages of DARVO sees the victim cast as a villain, while the perpetrator is exonerated. The reversal of victim and offender relies on pre-existing biases, stereotypes, or prejudices. It is often used to animate bystanders into persecuting and punishing the victim-survivor.
When someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time. I no longer give people second chances! I'm getting too old to waste my precious time. I have been saying for a very long time that time is the most valuable resource.
And that's why I don't want to waste any longer -- one more minute of my life -- with people who are -- chasing illusions -- and living a lie -- without the courage -- to open their eyes to see -- and feel their own painful truths.
Many people are compulsively and unconsciously looking for scapegoats to use as poison containers to temporarily and superficially alleviate their own unresolved repressed emotions of the child they once were.
Once they know that you know who they really are, you get a target on your back. The only way to survive and leave with your dignity intact is to never react to their mind games. Rise above the narcissists' BS, because reacting to their lies and mind games, is what they want and that's what gives them power. I don't give my power away anymore.
All malignant narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, assholes, or whatever you like to call these evil people, they all love to play the victim card and make appear their real victims as the abusers,but when their targets are able to see clearly the games they play and articulate the real situation of what really is taking place; the targets of the malignant narcissists cease of becoming a victim.
Just like Marie France Hirigoyen said in her book Stalking the Soul: “...When the victim loses control, the abuser simply injects a small dose of provocation and contempt to obtain a reaction and later reproaches her for it. If, for example, the reaction is anger, he makes sure that everyone sees it. On occasion, an outsider might even feel compelled to call the police.
One even sees cases of abusers egging their victims on: “Poor thing, you can’t expect anything from life; I don’t know why you haven’t jumped out the window!” It’s easy after that for the abuser to make the victim a mental case. The victim needs to act, but because she is blocked by the hold over her, she can only find her freedom in an extreme gesture. To an outsider, any impulsive action, especially a violent one, is considered pathological. The person's reaction to provocation seems responsible for the crises. Guilt in the eyes of the abuser; she appears like the aggressor to outsiders, who don’t understand that she can no longer live trapped in a horrible situation. Whatever she does, she can’t set herself free: if reacts, she is responsible for starting the conflict, and if she doesn’t react, the deadly stalking of her soul continues. As he drives his victim to destruction, the abuser gets that much more pleasure from pointing out her weakness or unleashing her violence. He makes her feel debased and unworthy. Depending on her reaction, she is described as temperamental and neurotic, alcoholic, or suicidal. The victim feels defenseless and tries to justify herself as if she were, in fact, guilty. The abuser’s pleasure double: he bamboozles or humiliates his victim and subsequently rubs her nose in her humiliation. While the victim dwells on her guilt, the abuser benefits from the situation, making sure to cast himself as the victim. Justification becomes impossible when nothing is said and no reproach is made. Desperate to find a solution to this horrifying impasse, the victim may be tempted in turn to use innuendo and manipulation. The relationship then becomes ambiguous: who is the abuser and who the victim. The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.” Read more here
WHAT IS ABUSE? By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychical integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of a said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.
…Business, as well asthe media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:
. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees . Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning
Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and submitted to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.
Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover.
Emotional abuse defined: "These are evil psychological assaults. This aggression arises from an unconscious psychological process of destruction consisting of either hidden or overt hostility on the part of one and sometimes several abusers toward a designated person; a real target in every sense of the word. It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually, those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other; she also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse."
"The very definition of emotional abuse is challenged by some who prefer to use the catch-all term of psychopathy."
""Whether the subject is serial killing or emotional abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life."
The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him."
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen page 71
The older I get, the less I feel the need to be included, understood, or accepted.
"Narcissist v. Sociopath
A Narcissist sees others as a means to validate his existence. The less validating you are, the less use you are to a Narcissist.
A Sociopath views others as entertainment. The less entertaining you are, the less use you are to a Sociopath.
Both the Narcissist and the Sociopath need to dominate and control others. They will both exploit you with no remorse and have no conscience. My advice? Do not validate the Narcissist and do not entertain the Sociopath. Stay clear of them. Once they suck you in, it is hard to get away. Avoid them both at all costs and if they manage to bring you into their den, run like hell." Lisa E. Scott
How would you define abuse?
Abuse means to me using a person for whatever I want from her, or him, without asking for their agreement, without respecting their will and their interests. With children, it is very easy to do so, because they are loving, they trust their parents and most adults, and they don’t realize that they were abused, that their love had been exploited. Especially if they were forced to ignore their emotions from the beginning, they might have lost their sensibility for the warning signals.
A small girl will follow to the cellar the neighbor who promised her chocolate, although she may feel uncomfortable. But if she learned from the beginning of her life that her feelings didn’t matter and that she should obey every adult person, even if she feels resistance, she will follow the neighbor. She will behave like the Little Red Riding-Hood in the fairytale. And she may later suffer in her relationship with men for her whole life if she didn’t work out this early experience in the cellar. However, if she does, she will no longer be in danger of becoming a victim of rape or any other kind of molestation.
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.
..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
