Removing the reins of guilt

Dear S,

Thank you for writing. In order for me to get an e-mail to inform me someone left me a comment, I need to subscribe to my own posts and I keep forgetting to do that. Thank goodness I subscribe to my last post and got an email notifying me someone left me a comment and then reading your last comment I found out you had left me a comment on the post "Letter to D" also.

Your comments mean a lot to me too, it’s nice to be acknowledged, and please feel free to write me anytime, it’s no bother at all, I enjoy reading your comments. I might not answer you right away, because I have what I call a real job that takes a lot of my time, and plus writing is one of the hardest things in my life to do, but you can be assured eventually I will answer you!

I don’t like labels period, especially the label of psycho/sociopath, because is nothing more than people’s repressed emotions of the wounded child they once were driving them blindly into actions that hurt themselves, others, or both, and by reading your comments you seem to be very aware of the wounded child in you and taking responsibility for it, so I don’t think you are a psychopath/sociopath. To me, a true psychopath/sociopath are those that memorize good knowledge but they don’t use this knowledge to help themselves first and remain wolves inside wearing sheep’s clothing deceiving themselves and others, so they don’t have to face their internalized parents going on idolizing their parents and childhood so not to face and feel their fears of being alone with the painful excruciating feelings of the child they once were and Like parrots use this good knowledge to manipulate others, posing as loving caring people, but under their illusion of love, they misguide their followers into a deeper trap making it harder for true liberation to ever be possible to them and for the people blindly following them.

I too was raised at first in the cult of the catholic religion and then my older sisters became involved with a destructive cult that believes in the insane reincarnation theory. And I too went through the feelings of betraying them, but you are not betraying them, but going along with their illusion of love and seductive lies would be betraying yourself. The more you get in touch with the feelings of the child you once were and feel them in the right context the more you will be able to distinguish between genuine and pretend feelings and never again be deceived by people masquerading with the illusion of love.

Feeling afraid is normal and before you can feel the painful feelings of the child you once were you have to make it safe for you, create a safe place “ a home” where you are safe and free to feel.  Guilty feelings are the reins unconsciously our parents and society install on us to control us and to keep us chained into their emotional prison for eternity. This quote by Alice Miller explains how these guilt feelings are installed: “If we were always punished by our parents for the slightest offense, then we integrated a very different kind of knowledge: that owning up to our mistakes is dangerous because it loses us the affection of our parents. The legacy from this experience can be permanent feelings of guilt.”

We must find the courage to remove these reins and feel the pain that we were not loved because real love does not keep us chained by guilt feelings.

It took me years to give up the idea of trying to explain to my family. I wrote many letters to them before I realize that I was talking to deaf ears and let them go, but then I transferred this illusion or false hope into my boyfriend a substitute figure, and took a few more years to give up this illusion that no one in the external world could ever make up for what I need as a child, but did not get and now the only way to free myself was to feel the pain of the child I once was. Just as Alice Miller says:  "Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis." Read more here

I wish you much luck, courage, and strength in your journey to liberation,

Sylvie