Aligning the Mind with the Heart

Hi A,

I think you still are fighting this battle. The quote below it describes very well the battle we go through when we are involved with a person incapable of genuine feelings.

I think you still want to see good in everyone and you have difficulty to see that some people are incapable of genuine feelings and they will never change and become real no matter what you do or say. You say that maybe I could help M, but whatever happened to M as a little child, it caused a barrier and he is fixed and is nothing I can do for him. I hit my head against Marty's walls for 10 years and I'm done wasting time hitting my head against walls. Life is too short and I don't want to waste one minute of it hitting my head into someone's walls.

I could have written the words below. It's exactly what I went through with Marty for 10 years and also a little bit at S for nine and a half years!!! But at S I already I could see very clear and I had no illusions and I knew most people were not real, so when their true colors came out after I published my book, I was not too surprised. Yes, the heart likes to see good in everyone and that they can change, but some people are soulless just acting as if personality mimicking human emotion and everything they do and say is a game and a strategy to fool you and keep you hooked by giving you hope of change, so you stay exactly where they want you to be, so they can use you as medication and as scapegoat to transfer their repressed feelings and make you feel what they themselves can’t feel, especial their repressed fears. 

“Cognitive dissonance is a common struggle during (and after) emotional abuse. Pathological individuals are constantly lying, gas-lighting, blaming, and manufacturing feelings in others. The extreme highs and extreme lows can cause an overwhelming battle between the heart and mind, which usually make a great team. On one hand, your heart will want to see the good in everyone and believe the best in this person. But on the other hand, your mind will grow increasingly wary of their worsening behavior. The heart will hang onto their promising words, while the mind begins to hyper-focus on their actual actions. You may not even be consciously aware of this battle going on, instead manifesting as abstract anxiety, insomnia, and depression. When all is said and done, the mind does save us from these people. It helps us put together the puzzle pieces and understand something that is not natural to the heart. But with time, a big part of recovery is about allowing the heart a chance to speak again. Allowing it to be open and free, working alongside the mind once again.” Read more here

“I think everyone has the potential for good, but I know that some people will never change!”

This little sentence shows the battle so clear!!! Your heart still wants to see the potential for good in everyone and then your mind says that you know some people never change!

That’s why I like you! Because your heart is pure. I use to be like you! I always knew people were wounded and I believed if they got enough love, they could be healed, I thought love could heal all -- that was my illusion that Marty burst! Once people are adults, they are like bottomless pits that never can be filled no matter how much love and money they get from the external world.

As long the emotions of the child remain repressed, they will be driven by them sooner or later in one form or another to do to others what once was done to them when defenseless little children.

I still had a tiny hope that people would prove me wrong at S and would use my book to become conscious of their own repression and take responsibility for it, but they rather destroy me than face their own repression.

After S I have no more illusions with people and my family, because what happened at S is exactly what happened with my family when I was young girl that they would have meetings behind my back of how to stop me to manage their repressed fears, just like the people in S did and I know if my family still had power over me, they would still try to stop me if they could, because I know them and some S’s residents are all living in fear NOW, because they were not able to destroy me, of where I will go and might do. I triggered their fears and they have to deal with them!! At Mrs. A's Christmas party one woman that lives in S was there and didn't know exactly what had happened. I told her that what P. P. and S board did to me was pure evil and now I was going to write a book about the evil I experienced at S and she tried to talk me out of writing a book. I told her that I would change names to protect their anonymity, but she still tried to talk me out of writing a book about it and I told her if they didn't me to write about it, they should not have tried to destroy me. She was more concerned about protecting the sociopaths than of what they did to me.

My family and S are micros of the world, so the majority of people are not capable of genuine feelings and becoming emotionally honest.

When most residents from S came to my 53 birthday party, most of them were just giving me the illusion of love, they loved their own false images projected into me and when they read my book they saw my true self and it shattered their false image and saw their true reflections reflected at them and they didn’t like their own reflections and that’s why they wanted to destroy me to protect their own false images. I was very aware of it!!!

If their love was real would not have ended like that! Just because I wrote a book about healing childhood trauma. If most people in S were real the sociopaths would not have been able to get away of trying to destroy me, but the fact most were cowards because not enough rose up to protect me and they allowed the sociopaths to go Scot free and this is what happens all around the world. People admire and kiss the sociopaths asses and allow them to destroy lives and go Scot free. If most people were real the world would be a very much different place! 

I was looking through the Body Never Lies last night and reading this quote by Marcel Proust in a letter to his mother I thought of X: “For I would prefer to have these attacks and please you, rather than displease you and not have them”

“Everyone has potential; if not, then your book and all of Alice's are meaningless. I know that it's not easy and likely impossible for most people.”

You keep battling this battle! Not everyone has potential!!! My book and Alice’s books are a support for the few people that are suffering all alone in isolation, like I once was and want to break free, but without the truth and support could never do it all alone with all the sociopaths surrounding them and I hope my book together with Alice’s books can be a support to those people. And this is why I need to try to reach the masses to reach all the few people out there capable of genuine feelings and feel all alone.