Refugee Crisis

I have been wanting to write about the refugee crisis and the need to have healthy boundaries to take care of ourselves at the same time of trying to help others, but I just have not had the time and deposition to write. I could not agree more with the words below one of my readers wrote to me.

Most refugees come from very wounding cultures that if these wounds are not faced and dealt with, are like time bombs in people’s brains that can be triggered at any moment to destroy themselves, others or both. I think it should be a prerequisite before allowing refugees to enter our countries to read Alice Miller’s books and my book! 

Everyone in this world should read Alice Miller’s books and my book!

“Dearest Sylvie,

I thought of you as well very often, but didn't had time and space to send at least a quick note. So thanks for reading you here :-)

I didn't have time to continue translation either, and this isn't depending on the questions I have sent to you.  I will and can go on at any other page, if there is time to do so.

Anyway, I never- ever had the slightest thought that you wouldn't take care for your book enough. There is so much to handle on any level for all of us.

When I skimmed through your latest blog entry about dyslexia, I was once more so touched by the cruelty you had to suffer. It is terrifying, how one deals with children and blame them for something they have no control about.  It is really sooo amazing, what you reached so far and what you will reach in the future, concerning how terrifying you were treated.

Refugee crisis

I think I understand very well, what you mentioned about it.

There are so many aspects on so many levels, and it is hard to say or write something, which cannot be misunderstood.

My short explanation is always, that we have not been allowed or encouraged to express an authentic "yes" or "no" in childhood because we were not respected in our authentic needs.

So there are some of us, who tend to say "yes", because they have learned to put the needs of others higher than their own well-being - these are the people who think they are better than others and love to help in order to feel good.

And on the opposite side, there are the ones, who had learned, that it is good to take everything that one gets, without considering the needs of others. They will often say "no", just out of wrong and useless fear.

Since we all haven't learned in particular, how we lost our ability for self-care and self-esteem in childhood, we can never be in a healthy relationship, not with partners, colleagues, countries etc.

Authentic borders are highly underestimated, especially among the good- willing people.

They will merge "border" with something bad and rigid.

An authentic border can be flexible and adjusted to the very situation and it is a human right for anyone, to take care of oneself.

As all our cells in our body have a membrane, and we wouldn't exist, without this shell around each single cell.

I took this idea from Rebeca Wild, who wrote a lot about healthy barriers.”

More letters exchanged with my reader in Germany below.

Dear J,

Reading your emotionally honest letters feels like a breath of fresh air and is always a pleasure. I do think you probably are the most insightful, understanding and emotional honest person in my life. It’s kind of sad! :-( It’s pretty lonely out here!!!

I am sorry about the new neighbors screaming at each other really loudly. Hearing people argue can be a trigger of repressed fears or a reminder of how powerless we once were as small children when we witnessed adults fight around us.

I have no words to express how grateful I’m to you for all the work you are doing to translate my book into German. I hope one day I can compensate you. Take your time and don’t rush it, just do it whenever you feel inspired, have the time and space.

I share the same concerns as you about all the refugees coming in droves into Europe.

I agree these people need help, but like you, I don’t know the best way to help them.

I totally agree with you that with the aid of technology we can destroy ourselves at faster speeds. With the internet, it’s easy for troubled youth to find support to act out destructively. 

I am always amazed how seductive lies, misleading information, violence and feel good posts that just distract us and numbs us like drugs from facing and feeling the painful truths in our world get so many shares and likes on social media and spread like wildfires, but the information that could help defuse time bombs in people’s brains gets totally ignored or just one or two likes.  

 Most refugees are very traumatized people and is heartbreaking to see them being traumatized all over again in some countries they are going through or are trying to find refuge in, if these people’s traumas go unresolved, they will be like time bombs walking around. We have enough of our own time bombs walking around already everywhere, that we never know what might set them off and I guess the doves of refugees getting into Germany have triggered some bombs to go off there, because I just read on the internet that some refugees' shelters were targeted in arson attacks in Germany, so many time bombs walking around that need to be defused and not enough enlightened witnesses to help defuse all these time bombs in people's brains. 

When I saw all the doves of refugees arriving in Europe I thought to myself: to help defuse a lot these time bombs we should be given to every refugee my book together with Alice Miller’s books.  

The words you wrote below are very valid and to think about. Me too, I do think we should do all we can to help these people restore their own countries, and we should make sure every woman at any age everywhere have a access to free birth control and abortion if they need it and want one, if we want to prevent similar crises like this one in the future, because if we don’t help them control their birth rate, the children when they grow up they will try to sneak into countries that give them the illusion of a better life.  

You too take good care,

Sylvie

Dear Sylvie...

thank you for the feedback.

i did reread the translation after a while and did some improvements...i feel like i am on the right path with it.

right now when i write, there are my new neighbors screaming at each other really loudly...

it is a young couple in their early twenties i guess, which moved in like they would be a settled couple of 35 or something.
it felt a little weird for me, it looked too perfect, to planned, too "we are so super people" like...
...they seemed like "babies" to me...

i don't care about the noise and i can "appreciate" a loud conflict between people, if it has to be fought sometimes, because emotions are there anyway....
but they are so young, and they should't experience situations like that; it seems so inappropriate to me.

there was some fighting and crashing, too...
when i heard it, i thought of ringing the doorbell just to stop them fighting...but i didn't dare...

nowadays, pushed through media and internet, i feel, that the young are more capable for extreme behavior than our generation was, at least in my surrounding we were more bound in society manners...of course this "manners" were part of the repression of true emotions...

anyway, grown ups should be able to take care of their children, that they don't drown in situations like this...

i don't feel stable enough to react in a helpful way...

now i write to you...

situations like this make me afraid and show me my fear and helplessness and  insufficiency......

and i try to figure out, what has it to do with me, that i experience this...
are they a projection of my inner conflicts???

of course i am not responsible for them...it is none of my business, since i don't get the impression they really hurt each other physically, but it shows me, where i am...and it makes me sad.

as well as the whole situation in Germany with the refugees makes me sad and frustrated...

Sylvie, i don't know, what do you think about this...if this is a matter for you at all...

of course we have to help people in life threatening situations, and our western world made huge mistakes by exploiting these countries, and by supporting the wrong leaders for own profit...but is it wise to let them just come into our country, where we taxpayers have to finance about 1000 euros per month per person... (considering housing/ healthcare/ social work etc) ...
wouldn't it then be better to give the money directly to them, or better send helpers into these countries/ refugee- camps, to support their recovery/ politics in this region and so on??? our chancellor keeps the "yes, we can" slogan, but i think it wont work out so easily...

my impression is, that a not too small amount of these people just want to consume, what we have, but they don't have too much to give back instead...this is unconscious of course...
i don't have any stupid prejudice against foreigners...i love to get known to people from abroad, and i learn about the different ways, of how we all suffer from neglect/ repression of childhood, but how we react in Germany as a state right now, seems not to be really helpful, it is not helpful for the refugees and not for ourselves.

it is one thing to hold a "refugees welcome" poster and donate clothes or diapers, but another to integrate thousands of people in our society...i thought of these donors, if they would shelter one of these refugees at their own home for a while, and i ask myself, if Angela Merkel or any other of these good willing people are ready to share their space with them. do i demand too much?

we have to be helpful and wise and honest at the same place...

it is all about borders, we haven't learned yet, to keep our personal authentic borders...as an authentic border is never rigid but healthy.

this is a very delicate matter to discuss in short words...and i hope and trust, that you get me well...

i leave it here.. 

now neighbors are quite quiet...

i will pick up my washing from the basement and then go to bed...

this was quite a long mail, hopefully not too long. i feel more calm now.

take good care!

J