Saturday, May 6, 2017

Questioning Parents -- The Ultimate Taboo

Dear Sylvie,

I am freaking out a little bit
my body has shown acute, severe symptoms of urticaria, esp in face
swollen all over, red spots, itching like hell
as well my two underarms...
I know, it shows my inner conflicts so much...
I try to look at it, as honest as i can
and don't take pharmaceuticals, just some homeopathic stuff, tea, bath etc.

I feel too chased to write more details...
but want to share, what makes me even sicker:

when searching German google version about
"courage to question parents"

then the first result is:
"family relations - how to live reconciled with your parents"

the second result is:
"pdf "concept: cooperation with parents" (text from a school)

the third is: (at least)
"upbringing/ education starts with self-education of the parents)
this is a book written by a couple, which doesn't give the worst impression, but they seem to be as well one of these people, who need success and career for their well-being and maybe not brave enough to really face the truth....but I will give that a better prove, don' t want to judge them wrongful

the fourth search result is an article in a famous German weekly newspaper:
"parents need more courage to confront misbehaving children"

all further stuff appearing from this search is diffuse and not encouraging at all
mostly blaming the child/ teenager anyway...

it is no topic at all, to question parents is a huge taboo...
at least if one looks for a deeper level...
this is the sad truth...

if you feel like publish this on your site, feel free.
might be the same in English speaking google search...

greets from J in uproar...

Dear J,

Thank you for writing. I'm sorry to read you are having a loud witness in your body. I hope you are feeling better today. Like Alice Miller wrote in her book The Body Never Lies: "Inability to face up to the suffering undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature.  But ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality."

Yes, your google search is very discouraging and I will publish it on my blog as soon I have some time. Questioning the parents is the ultimate taboo in our society. People's idealization of their parents and childhoods is what keeps humanity stuck in the vicious circle of repetition compulsion.

Just as I write in my book page 84,85 and 86: "I believe that the idealization of one’s own parents and childhood is a major obstacle to the betterment of our whole society. Since so many people believe that their parents are always right, it’s much easier for them to follow other people in power positions, who cast themselves as mother or father figures disguised as educators, healers, cult leaders, therapists, gurus and government officials. We become extremely vulnerable when we refuse to face the truth about the people who raised us. Someone with a false self is an easy target for exploitation, which can threaten not only individuals but also society as a whole. The only thing that can save us is to make sure that more people are true to themselves. We need more people who can fight the power, starting in their own homes.

Alice Miller describes these individuals as “people who had the good fortune of being sure of their parent’s love, even if they had to disappoint certain parental expectations. Or people who, although they did not have this good fortune, to begin with, learned later — for example, in analysis — to risk the loss of love in order to regain their lost self.”51 According to Alice Miller, these people so appreciate their freedom from trauma and tyranny that “they will not be willing to relinquish it again for any price in the world.”52 When we idealize our childhoods we become just like our childhood abusers and the vicious cycle continues. And we keep holding on to the false hope of eventually gaining love and acceptance from our parents, or from those who stand in to symbolize our parents. Idealizing the people who raised us puts us in danger, physically and emotionally. Alice Miller believes that the body knows our traumatic history and remembers the cruelty we had to endure as children without being able to really feel it, process it and move beyond it in a healthy way.

“… As long as we are compelled to protect our parents we pay our loyalty with our depressions,” she writes. But “…by discovering and understanding the pain of the former neglected child you start to love and cherish him, perhaps for the first time in your life.”53

She expands on the idea in For Your Own Good: “If the tragedy of a well-meaning person’s childhood remains hidden behind idealizations, the unconscious knowledge of the actual state of affairs will have to assert itself by an indirect route. This occurs with the aid of the repetition compulsion. Over and over again, for reasons they don’t understand, people create situations and establish relationships in which they torment or are tormented by their partners or both. Since tormenting one’s children is a legitimate part of childrearing, this provides the most obvious outlet for bottled up aggression.”54 This is how the vicious cycle of repetition compulsion has been going on since the beginning of human history."

You are right, sadly most people fall into the illusions that having an education, career, and money alone -- what they see as "success" as all they need to solve all their problems and for their well-being. These illusions are near to impossible for most people to break free from.


 AM: Certainly, if I knew of some therapists who would be respectful enough to answer your questions; free enough to show indignation about what your parents have done to you; empathic enough when you need to release your rage pent up for decades in your body; wise enough to not preach to you forgetting, forgiveness, meditation, positive thinking; honest enough to not offer you empty words like spirituality, when they feel scared by your history, and that are not increasing your life-long feelings of guilt – I would be happy to give you their names, addresses and phone-numbers.


Unfortunately, I don’t know them, but I still like to hope that they exist. However, when I am looking for them on the Internet I find plenty of esoteric and religious offers, plenty of denials, commercial interests, traditional traps, but not at all what I am looking for. For that reason, I gave you with my FAQ list tools for your own research. If a therapist refuses to answer your questions right from the start, you can be sure that by leaving him you can save yourself your time and your money. If you don’t dare to ask your questions out of your fear of your parents, your fear may be highly understandable. However, trying to do it anyway may be useful because your questions are important and by daring to ask them you can only win.

6- I talk so much about the “topic” of child abuse because it is essential and nobody else teaches about this topic in universities. It is still taboo although childhood is the base of the whole life, and the ignorance on this issue is very dangerous for all societies on our planet."
Read more here
Wishing strength and courage and take extra good care,

Sylvie