Cruelty can take a thousand forms, and it goes undetected even today, because the damage it does to the child and the ensuing consequences are still so little known.
The individual psychological stages in the lives of most people are:
1. To be hurt as a small child without anyone recognizing the situation as such.
2. To fail to react to the resulting suffering with anger.
3. To show gratitude for what are supposed to be good intentions.
4. To forget everything.
5. To discharge the stored-up anger onto others in adulthood or to direct it against oneself.
The greatest cruelty that can be inflicted on children is to refuse to let them express their anger and suffering except at the risk of losing their parents’ love and affection. The anger stemming from early childhood is stored up in the unconscious, and since it basically represents a healthy, vital source of energy, an equal amount of energy must be expended in order to repress it. An upbringing that succeeds in sparing the parents at the expense of the child’s vitality sometimes leads to suicide or extreme drug addiction, which is a form of suicide. If drugs succeed in covering up the emptiness caused by repressed feelings and self-alienation, then the process of withdrawal brings this void back into view. When withdrawal is not accompanied by restoration of vitality, then the cure is sure to be temporary. Cristiane F., subject of an international bestseller and film, paints a devastatingly vivid picture of a tragedy of this nature.
It is difficult to write about child abuse without taking on a moralizing tone. It is so natural to feel outrage at the adult who beats a child and pity for the helpless child that, even with a great deal of understanding of human nature, one is tempted to condemn the adult for being cruel and brutal. But where will you find human beings who are only good or only cruel? The reason why parents mistreat their children has less to do with character and temperament than with the fact that they were mistreated themselves and were not permitted to defend themselves. There are countless people like A.’s father who are kind, gentle, and highly sensitive and yet inflict cruelty on their children every day, calling it childrearing. As long as children beatings was considered necessary and useful, they could justify this form of cruelty. Today such people suffer when their “hand slips.” When an incomprehensible compulsion or despair induces them to shout at, humiliate, or beat their children and see their tears, yet they cannot help themselves and will do the same thing again next time. This will inevitable continue to happen as long as they persist in idealizing their own childhood.
Paul Klee is renowned as a great painter of magical and poetic canvases. His only child may have been the one person who was familiar with his other side. Felix Klee, the painter’s son, told an interviewer (Bruckenbauer; February 29, 1980): “He had two sides; he was full of fun, but he was also capable of playing his part in my upbringing by giving me an energetic whipping.” Paul Klee made wonderful puppets, presumably for his son, of which thirty are still preserved. His son relates: “Papa constructed the stage in a doorway of our small apartment. He admitted that when I was in school he sometimes put on a performance for the cat...” Yet the father performed not only for the cat but for his son as well. In view of this, could Felix hold against his father the beating he was given?
I have used this example to help readers free themselves from clichés about good or bad parents. Cruelty can take a thousand forms, and it goes undetected even today, because the damage it does to the child and the ensuing consequences are still so little known. This section of the book is devoted to these consequences.
The individual psychological stages in the lives of most people are:
1. To be hurt as a small child without anyone recognizing the situation as such.
2. To fail to react to the resulting suffering with anger.
3. To show gratitude for what are supposed to be good intentions.
4. To forget everything.
5. To discharge the stored-up anger onto others in adulthood or to direct it against oneself.
The greatest cruelty that can be inflicted on children is to refuse to let them express their anger and suffering except at the risk of losing their parents’ love and affection. The anger stemming from early childhood is stored up in the unconscious, and since it basically represents a healthy, vital source of energy, an equal amount of energy must be expended in order to repress it. An upbringing that succeeds in sparing the parents at the expense of the child’s vitality sometimes leads to suicide or extreme drug addiction, which is a form of suicide. If drugs succeed in covering up the emptiness caused by repressed feeling and self-alienation, then the process of withdrawal brings this void back into view. When withdrawal is not accompanied by restoration of vitality, then the cure is sure to be temporary. Cristiane F., subject of an international bestseller and film, paints a devastatingly vivid picture of a tragedy of this nature.
From the book: “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence”
By Alice Miller
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