Using Childhood Traumas as an Excuse to Abuse and Manipulate Others

The exchange of words below explaining some people's bad behaviors and why they can be dangerous -- by using -- unresolved childhood traumas -- as an excuse -- for one's own bad behavior -- and to manipulate others.

Most people are unconsciously and compulsively looking for scapegoats to take revenge for the wrongs were done to them when they were defenseless little children and infants by their own parents or childhood caretakers.

This is why NOW I'm so careful with people that have unresolved strong repressed emotions.

Many people out there are dangerously repressed with time bombs in their brains that can go off at any moment.

"A nonabusive person doesn't use his past as an excuse to mistreat anybody. Feeling sorry for the abuser can be a trap, making you feel guilty for standing up to his abusiveness.

I have sometimes said to a client: 'If you are so much in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be put down to nothing, to be put in fear, to be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be LESS likely to abuse anybody, not more so, from having been through it.'

Once I make this point, the abuser generally stops mentioning his terrible childhood; he only wants to draw attention to it if it's an excuse to stay the same, not if it's a reason to change."

The words below Alice Miller wrote in her book For Your Own Good” page 199 and 200 come to mind:

“Statistical studies are hardly the thing to make disinterested jurists into empathic and perceptive human beings. And yet every crime, by virtue of being an enactment of childhood drama, cries out for understanding. 

The newspapers carry these stories every day, but unfortunately, they usually, report only the last act.

Can knowledge of the underlying causes of a crime being about a change in the way justice is administered? 

Not as long as the primary concerns are to assign guilt and impose punishment. 

But someday it may be possible to gain an understanding of the fact that emerges so clearly in the case Jurgen Bartsch: the accused never bears all the guilt by himself but is a victim of a tragic chain of circumstances. 

Even so, a prison sentence is unavoidable if society is to be protected. 

But there is a difference between prison being used to punish a dangerous criminal according to the principles of “poisonous pedagogy” and human tragedy being perceived, therapy during confinement.” 

And like I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusion   page 172, 173 and 174 

"The people who try to use and manipulate me usually realize their mistake pretty quickly, and either apologize or head for the hills.

My liberation has definitely given me added protection against sociopaths!

Resolving childhood repression is the vaccine against the charlatans of the world who exploit those who are still emotionally blinded by the unresolved, repressed emotions of the children they once were.

Once you’re free, your whole outlook on life is going to change. This quote, from a patient of Alice Miller’s, expresses what happens perfectly: “The world has not changed. There is so much evil and meanness all around me, and I see it even more clearly than before.

However, for the first time, I find life really worth living. Perhaps this is because, for the first time, I have the feeling that I am really living my own life.

And that is an exciting adventure. On the other hand, I can understand my suicidal ideas better now, especially those I had in my youth -- when it seemed pointless to carry on — because in a way I had always been living a life that wasn’t mine, that I didn’t want, and that I was ready to throw away.”80

I’ve removed all the barriers of false morality and am totally free to experience all my feelings, take them seriously and decide whom, if anyone, to share them with.

I’ve faced my past and can deal with my present circumstances in the context of growing awareness instead of childhood fears.

These words by Alice Miller express how I exactly feel: “If I allow myself to feel what pains or gladdens me, what annoys or enrages me, and why this is the case, if I know what I need and what I do not want at all costs, I will know myself well enough to love my life and find it interesting, regardless of age or social status. … I will know that I have lived my own, true life.”81

It really is a powerful feeling, and you’re likely to find yourself possessing a power that will be threatening to a lot of people. Society is on the side of the status quo, so be prepared.

As Alice Miller writes in Free from Lies, going against the parents “is a source of major alarm for others … They will sometimes mobilize all the forces at their command to discredit the former victim and thus keep their own repression intact.”82

But thanks to Alice Miller, I’m content to be who I am regardless of what other people think.

This passage, from Breaking Down the Wall of Silence, sums it up so well: “To live with one’s own truth is to be at home with oneself. That is the opposite of isolation. We only need confirmation when we are alienated from ourselves and in flight from the truth.

All the friends and devoted admirers in the world cannot make up for the loss.”83

When I die I will not be sad because I have truly lived and will die in freedom, no longer scared and no longer a captive of the emotional prison into which I was born.

What fulfills me now is my mission to bring this valuable information to other people, so they too can have a chance to liberate themselves. I also enjoy sharing my life with others who have the courage to open their eyes and who are able to really see and feel.

I want to make it clear that I’m not telling my story to get sympathy from the world. I’m purely doing it to introduce Alice Miller’s books to others, and to show how her books helped me break free.

I decided to go public with my story so others wouldn’t feel alone like I once did and to hopefully inspire people to gather the courage and strength to achieve their own freedom.

I constantly witness many people going public with their sad, tragic stories in an effort to manipulate people into feeling sorry for them and feeding their adult compulsions and perversions.

They don’t want the truth. They only wish to avoid their own pain. These people are exploiting the wounded children they once were, just like their parents or parent-substitutes exploited them when they were defenseless little children.

They keep themselves and others endlessly stuck in their childhood dramas, where they play either the role of the victim or the perpetrator.

Alice Miller has proven that we can unlock the emotional doors that hold us and start a glorious dance to freedom.

Knowing your own truth and living with it is the best gift you can give to yourself and to future generations.

The more healed, or free, you become, the less dependent you’ll be. And because people will sense that you’re not needy, the more people will be attracted to you. It’s kind of ironic, but autonomy is very attractive!

I hope you’ll take the challenge to free yourself at last. I hope you’ll end your own repetition compulsion naturally — without endlessly staying dependent on crutches like yoga, meditation, religion, 12-step programs, or other pain-numbing addictions. Starting today, right now, you

can use any trigger — a smell, a person, a situation, a touch, a place, a word or anything else that pushes your buttons — as an opportunity to be free.

You no longer have to give in to the part of yourself that wants to blame the triggers or hide behind quick fixes.

You now have all the tools you need to connect to something deep within you that needs to be confronted, no matter how tempting it is to find a scapegoat or run away.

I’m so grateful to Alice Miller for helping me free myself from my repressed childhood emotions that I’ve dedicated my life to offering emotional support to others.

I’m determined to help you get the information you need to free yourself from lies and illusions, so I’ll start you on your journey with these words from the woman who became my enlightened witness through her writings: “It is only after it is liberated that the self begins to articulate, to grow, and to develop its creativity.

Where there had been only fearful emptiness or equally frightening grandiose fantasies, an unexpected wealth of vitality is now discovered. This is not a homecoming since this home has never before existed. It is the creation of a home.”84 I believe in you, and I hope you’ll share your story with me.