Dependency Breeds Hatred

Thank you for writing sharing your story with me. I am sorry the child you once were lived with so much terror and has caused a painful witness in your body that is affecting your health and caused you to lose your autonomy.  I am so sorry.  I can understand your fantasy if you did primal therapy would liberate you from your repressed emotions and therefore heal your body and start on the road to autonomy, but I don’t think primal or any other therapy will help at the moment. Having someone anyone that understands your situation and you can talk freely about all of your feelings with will be much more helpful. If you really like to find an enlightened witness follow the guidance of Alice Miller how to find the right therapist on her website. Your situation is very complicated and painful, because as long we remain dependent on those that were the cause of our painful plight, the latent rage of the child will not start to diminish, but actually accumulates. The words below by Alice Miller from her article “What’s Hatred?” are very true: “a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome. It is hardly conceivable that a person being tortured will not feel hatred for the torturer. If we deny ourselves this feeling, we will suffer from physical symptoms.”
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=53&grp=11   
This is why MM still stuck in in his hatred for his mother, because he is still emotionally dependent on his mother and also dependent on her money and using her to make money for himself. He is trying to make a name for himself by unconsciously in a symbolic way kill his mother with his book to free himself, but these are fantasies of a small child and we never achieve true freedom by allowing the wounded child’s fantasies dictate our present actions, but actually will keep us stuck and strengthening the walls of our emotional prison leaving very little chance of ever escaping our childhood emotional prison.
So my suggestion to you is to find someone you can talk with freely about all of your authentic feelings and helps you clarify and consciously feel all of your feelings within the context of your childhood and focus on improving your physical health. Also look for resources you might have to help you gain autonomy how slow or little might be, baby steps is better than not taking any steps at tall. I wish you much luck, courage and strength on your journey.

Sylvie

P.S fell free to write back and let me know what kind of feelings my words above triggered in you.

Also here is one of my blogs about the risks of primal therapy.
http://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-risks-of-primal-therapy.html
Here is another blog about primal therapy.
Read Alice's article at the bottom.
http://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2013/10/neve-put-your-life-in-someone-elses.html