Dependency Breeds Hatred

Thank you for writing and sharing your story with me. I am sorry that the child you once were lived with so much terror and has left a painful imprint on your body that is affecting your health and causing you to lose your autonomy.  

I am so sorry.  I can understand your fantasy that primal therapy would liberate you from your repressed emotions and therefore heal your body and start on the road to autonomy. Still, I don’t think primal or any other therapy will help at the moment.

Having someone who understands your situation and whom you can talk to freely about all your feelings will be much more helpful. If you really want to find an enlightened witness, follow Alice Miller's guidance on her website for finding the right therapist. Your situation is very complicated and painful, because as long as we remain dependent on those who were the cause of our painful plight, the latent rage of the child will not start to diminish, but actually accumulate. The words below by Alice Miller from her article “What’s Hatred?” are very true: “a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome. It is hardly conceivable that a person being tortured will not feel hatred for the torturer. If we deny ourselves this feeling, we will suffer from physical symptoms.”

http://www.alice-miller.com/en/what-is-hatred/
   
This is why MM is still stuck in his hatred for his mother because he is still emotionally dependent on his mother and also dependent on her money and using her to make money for himself. He is trying to make a name for himself by unconsciously, in a symbolic way, killing his mother with his book to free himself. Still, these are fantasies of a small child, and we never achieve true freedom by allowing the wounded child’s fantasies to dictate our present actions; they will keep us stuck and strengthen the walls of our emotional prison, leaving very little chance of ever escaping our childhood emotional prison.
So my suggestion is to find someone you can talk with freely about all your authentic feelings, who can help you clarify and consciously feel them in the context of your childhood, and who can help you focus on improving your physical health. Also, look for resources that might help you gain autonomy; however slow or small it might be, baby steps are better than not taking any steps at all. I wish you much luck, courage, and strength on your journey.

Sylvie

P.S. Feel free to write back and let me know what kind of feelings my words above triggered in you.

Also, here is one of my blogs about the risks of primal therapy.
http://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-risks-of-primal-therapy.html
Here is another blog about primal therapy.
Read Alice's article at the bottom.
http://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2013/10/neve-put-your-life-in-someone-elses.html