Give yourself the time and space to feel. Just see R as the substitute figure standing in symbolizing your mother/father, forcing you to relive what you had to live with as child without feeling it,
R is squeezing all the repressed feelings of the little girl you once were that had to repress it all because didn’t have the freedom and the support of a helping witness to help you articulate your pain and feel it.
Now the adult in you can become the enlightened witness to the little girl you once were and give her the freedom to feel without restrictions.
What you had to live with as a child was crazy, it might feel like you are going crazy, but you are not crazy.
I too felt like I was going crazy when I started the process of my liberation, it took about a year until Marty was totally gone and another year to process all of the feelings triggered and find freedom on the other side, like you I was going through financial difficulties and not sure what I was going to do next to take care of myself financially.
Just trust yourself that once you free the little girl within you from the emotional prison of your childhood, you will be able to see clear and the next steps to take to take care of yourself financially.
And you no longer be blinded by the repressed emotions of the child you once were, you will recognize red flags to never again get intimately involved with people standing in as substitute figures symbolizing your parents to reenact your childhood drama over and over again and force you to relive old pain over and over again.
After I was done with Marty I said to myself: I will never be here again, I can’t believe it, it has been almost fifteen years since he left. I have been alone, but not lonely, because now I have the most important person of all, MYSELF! I was more alone when I was with Marty than I am NOW! It’s better to be alone and to know you are alone than to be with someone and nevertheless to be alone.
Once we truly have ourselves we are never alone again. These words by Alice Miller could not be truer: “To live with one’s own truth is to be at home with oneself. That is the opposite of isolation. We only need confirmation when we are alienated from ourselves and in flight from the truth. All the friends and devoted admirers in the world cannot make up for the loss.” Breaking Down the Wall of Silence, p. 40