You Have Done Alice Miller Proud – Review: A Dance to Freedom

You Have Done Alice Miller Proud By Donald Warner Parker

 Reviews of A Dance to Freedom 

Hi Sylvie, I got your book A Dance To Freedom last Saturday and read it the whole way through as I could not put it down and now I am reading through it again for the third time. In a very clear, direct, honest and straightforward manner you shared your incredible story interwoven with passages from Alice Miller's books and articles and I think you most definitely accomplished your mission to introduce and make Alice Miller's body of work more accessible to people as a companion and enlightened witness to help them free themselves of their denial and repression, with sound practical guidelines to find their own "dance to freedom." I have ordered a few more copies of your book to give to people who I think will benefit from it and I won't hesitate to recommend your book to others. You have done Alice Miller proud. Best Wishes, Donald

Donald, thank you for reading my book; I am so glad you liked it! Yes, it’s my mission to introduce Alice Miller’s pioneering and courageous work to as many people as possible in this world with the telling of my story. And to hear from someone out there that I have accomplished my mission and that I have done Alice Miller proud is the best compliment anyone could ever give me! But I could never have accomplished my mission without the help and assistance of Ed Sweet, one of the best and talented writers in the world! I will be in debt to him forever! Thank you for your lovely words and best wishes to you too, Sylvie

Sylvie, there is nothing to thank me for as it was absolutely my pleasure to read your very enlightening, encouraging, moving and inspiring book that I have no doubt will be of immense benefit to many people. What more can you give a person and this world, for that matter, than sharing your own hard earned wisdom, experience and truth through telling your own story and holding up a mirror for others to capture their own reflection in it, while at the same time providing the vital information of Alice Miller's body of work to free themselves from their denial and repression and the illusions that keep it intact. It is so true what you wrote in your Chapter False Hope on page 126, "Ultimately I realized that self-help books and 12-step programs offer a false hope at best. I'm convinced that people who put their faith in these types of things -- or in psychologists, psychiatrists or any other cult leader for that matter -- are avoiding the real causes of their problems and are just masking their symptoms instead. The seductiveness of the quick fixes offered by traditional treatments and therapies is very powerful and even if they don't work they offer at least temporary relief from the fear and pain of our abused younger selves." You make it crystal clear in your book how Ed Sweet played such an important role in the development of it and how grateful you are to him. Once again my Best Wishes to you and Congratulations to you as well on your accomplishment of your passionate mission to get to people the vital and lifesaving information, guidance and companionship they need to free themselves of lies and illusions. Donald

Dear Donald, reading your words brought me into tears. Because that’s exactly what I hope my book to be to others --- a mirror for people to capture their own reflection in it --- and provide the vital information of Alice Miller, so they can better understand themselves and others. I believe people getting the right information at the right time are essential for true liberation to be possible. I hope my book brings this essential information at the right time to many people on this planet, so they too have a chance to liberate themselves. And yes traditional treatments and therapies out there at the end block people's natural flow of their authentic feelings, and they end up being tools for repressing people all over again and as long people go on repressing the repressed feelings of the child they once were, they will be driven by them sooner or later in one form or another into a state of compulsion repetition.

Again thank you for your lovely words and best wishes to you too, Sylvie

Dear Sylvie, Your most welcome for and absolutely deserved all that I was moved to write. Your book is straight from your heart and straight as an arrow and that is exactly what makes it so powerful. I also believe "that people getting the right information at the right time is essential for true liberation to be possible" (otherwise they remain in the darkness of compulsive repetition without an enlightened witness) and that this is a life and death matter in a world that is rapidly plummeting to its destruction on every conceivable level due to the individual and collective global repression and denial of childhood traumas and how this is being manifested in our child abusing and neglecting, animal enslaving and slaughtering and earth raping death culture of addictions, narcissism and materialism. Anything, however well-intentioned it may be, that evades the central reality of Alice Miller's message is only inadvertently, hypocritically and unconsciously contributing to the above. Your book is a beacon of light that points the way to true liberation through your own story and how Alice Miller's body of work enabled you to find your "dance to freedom." Despite all that you had had to absorb and defend against from your family and culture there was something very true, vital and pure (* see below) inside you to have been able to so clearly recognize the truth in Alice Miller's work and to be able to take her message to heart, fully embracing it and applying it to your own life and becoming your own enlightened witness with her assistance. Sincerely, Donald Warner Parker

*"As painful as my family dynamics were, much of the trauma swirling around me had little direct effect on me in my earlist years. I have fond memories of my mother protecting me in my first years of life. And despite my father’s alcohol problem and inability to be present emotionally, he was never violent and never spanked me. He was gentle and kind when he was sober, and would often give me the food off his plate when I was hungry. I was actually a pretty happy child. And for a few years, from the time I was three to the time I was seven, I was lucky to have had the full attention of my mother. All the other children were gone and would only come to visit on weekends and other special occasions. So, for a time, it felt as though I was the only one that mattered." page 22 of A Dance To Freedom.

Dear Donald, your words are touching me deeply. I have no doubt that thanks to having my mother’s protection and full attention in those few earlier years, and her letting me play and explore freely, that’s why I was able to preserve my soul/feelings. And from this short experience of freedom in my childhood was the bases that gave me the strength to rebel and stand up to those trying to repress me and murder my soul/feelings, this experienced freedom was my compass in life to guide me to find a true enlightened witness like Alice Miller, so I could really fully liberate myself and this time preserve it. I did not include this memory in the book, but it just came to mind: I remember my older sisters being mad at my mother when I was a teenager and blaming her for me being so difficult and rebellious, they told her it was her fault, because she had let me run wild as a small child when I was left alone with her in the village. Thank goodness for those few wild years in the village. Those were the best years of my childhood.

Sadly these words in your comment above could not be truer: Thank you for writing. It’s nice to connect to another soul capable of feeling and seeing:
“(otherwise they remain in the darkness of compulsive repetition without an enlightened witness) and that this is a life and death matter in a world that is rapidly plummeting to its destruction on every conceivable level due to the individual and collective global repression and denial of childhood traumas and how this is being manifested in our child abusing and neglecting, animal enslaving and slaughtering and earth raping death culture of addictions, narcissism and materialism. Anything, however well-intentioned it may be, that evades the central reality of Alice Miller's message is only inadvertently, hypocritically and unconsciously contributing to the above. Your book is a beacon of light that points the way to true liberation through your own story and how Alice Miller's body of work enabled you to find your "dance to freedom." Despite all that you had had to absorb and defend against from your family and culture there was something very true, vital and pure(* see below) inside you to have been able to so clearly recognize the truth in Alice Miller's work and to be able to take her message to heart, fully embracing it and applying it to your own life and becoming your own enlightened witness with her assistance. Sincerely,” Donald Warner Parker

Dear Sylvie, no there is no doubt that thanks to having your mothers protection and full attention in those few earlier years and her having let you play and explore freely is what enabled you to preserve your soul/feelings, and was also the basis that gave you the strength to rebel and stand up to those trying to repress you and murder your soul/feelings, and that this experienced freedom was your compass in life to guide you to find a true enlightened witness like Alice Miller, so you could really fully liberate yourself and this time preserve it, as you wrote above. From what I read about your two older sisters Elza and Laura and their "treatment" towards you and your mother it does not surprise me at all that they would be mad at your mother when you were a teenager and blame her for your being difficult and rebellious telling her it was her fault because of how she had let you run wild when you were alone with her in the village as you described. How unconsciously jealous and envious Elza and Laura must have been of your having had your mothers protection and full attention and the freedom she gave you to explore, and angry at your mother for her not having been able to provide the same for them. As you wrote of your sisters in your book, "Today I understand that Elza and Laura were unconsciously punishing my mother for bringing them into the world and not meeting their needs when they were little. My sisters unconsciously made my mother -- and others -- pay for their miserable childhoods." page 46 - 47.

The passage below from the Alice Miller interview How To Combat Denial came to my mind right away when I read of your sisters blaming your mother for your being so difficult and rebellious:

Borut Petrovic Jesenovec: I notice that a lot of people become allergic when they see a truly childlike child unburdened by guilt and abuse. They just can’t stand it. They repeat that every child must be socialised as soon as possible, in other words taken away from parents and put into kindergarten so that he/she becomes "available" to anyone. They preach the benefits of socialisation as if it was a most sacred, noble cause. I find this social pressure enormous. But in this context socialisation equals adaptation to cruelty. Why is a child who is alive, genuine and pure, in their eyes unbearable, even sinful, and must by all means be mutilated so he/she would become similar to them?

Alice Miller: Because the child’s creativity and liveliness triggers in the parents the repressed pain of being suffocated. They are afraid of feeling the pain, so they do whatever they can to avoid the triggers. By insisting on obedience they kill the lively child, they victimize him or her as they themselves were victimized before. For that reason, they absolutely need information. This is why we talk and work on this interview. Most parents don’t want to hurt their children; they do it automatically, just by repeating what they themselves learned as children. We can help them to stop this destructive behaviour by explaining to them why it is actually destructive. So that they can wake up and make a choice.

Above excerpt from How to combat denial
Interview given by Alice Miller to Borut Petrovic Jesenovec in July 2005

Dear Donald, yes those few wild years in the village made all the difference for me, to be able to hold on to my soul/feelings, and with the support from Alice Miller to gather the courage to break free from my isolation and to go out into the world as an authentic person. Alice Miller’s words above are so true. I remember my first day of school when I started first grade. I was all happy to start school, with liveliness, very excited to learn new things, my liveliness must have triggered the teacher that she asked me a question, I don’t remember what her stupid question was, but I gave her an honest answer of how I truly saw it and felt, she made fun of me and humiliated me in front of the class, making me feel that my feelings and how I saw things was wrong and stupid. I remember thinking to myself: she must think is better than others, but she is not, she poops and pees like everyone else, and from that day on I had enough of school and skipped school every chance I had; when I was not able to skip it, I was just miserable in class, because to protect myself from being humiliated, I had to repress myself, school was a completely torture for me, I felt so suffocated. Now a see very clear that the reason teachers and my older sisters hated me so much, was because I was a child with a soul/feelings really alive and they hated me for it that they tried everything in the book to try to murder my soul/feelings, so I would be a robot like them. I wish I had included Alice Miller’s quote you shared above in my book, it’s so true. Your heart felt reviews of my book here are so poignant, that I don’t have words to express how grateful I am for your contribution. I have someone helping me design my new website and as soon it's finished, I will post there your very moving reviews.




Dear Sylvie, There is no doubt whatsoever that those few wild years in the village made all the difference for you to be able to hold on to your soul/feelings, which also paved the way for you, from that experience of freedom, to be able to recognize the truth in Alice Miller's work and enable you to be supported by her enlightened witnessing to gather the courage to break free from your isolation and to go into the world as an authentic person. Once again I was struck by how much you had of yourself as a young child in the face of the cruel, sadistic and humiliating treatment of your teacher that you described above to be able to think to yourself, "she must think is better than others, but she is not, she poops and pees like everyone else," and act on it, "and from that day on I had enough of school and skipped school every chance I had; when I was not able to skip it, I was just miserable in class, because to protect myself from being humiliated, I had to repress myself, school was a completely torture for me, I felt so suffocated." It is very ironic that the early experiences you had of love and freedom that enabled you to develop and preserve a sense of self also set you up to be a target and scapegoat of your teachers and older sisters dissociated hatred for how they had been soul murdered and viciously, sadistically and hatefully attacked in you what had been destroyed in them, as you realize when you write above, "Now I see very clear that the reason teachers and my older sisters hated me so much, was because I was a child with a soul/feelings really alive and they hated me for it that they tried everything in the book to try to murder my soul/feelings, so I would be a robot like them." You may wish you had of included Alice Miller's quote in your book however in a future edition perhaps you may possibly do so. I am moved by your expression of gratitude of my reviews of your book, which you most richly deserve. And I am very grateful to you as well for your book and am slowly re-reading it again for the forth time now (this is what I used to do with Alice Miller's books as they came out), and it has been immensely helpful for me to see and feel different aspects of my childhood and what it set me up for to re-enact towards myself and with others throughout my life more clearly, which has been very painful and disturbing on the one hand but on the other hand comforting to have you as a companion, guide and enlightened witness to help me have a clearer picture of my life, through the sharing of your story with Alice Miller's writings and what it is reflecting back to me about my own life story. This is partly why it has taken me awhile to respond. There is a relief in knowing the truth however deeply disturbing it may be. The Alice Miller quote below I feel describes what your book will help people to do. Sincerely, Donald

"We cannot resolve the effects of mistreatment in therapies that evade the facts and confine themselves only to the analysis of the psychic realities. But we can liberate ourselves from the consequences if we are prepared to face emotionally the truth of our childhood, to give up the denial of our suffering, to develop empathy for the child that we were and to thus understand the reasons for our fears. In this way, we free ourselves from the fears and guilt feelings that were burdened upon us from the earliest age. Through the knowledge of our history and our feelings, we get to know the persons that we are, and we learn to give to them what they vitally need but never received from their parents: love and respect. This is the goal of the uncovering therapy: The wounds can be scared over if they are tended to and taken seriously; but the existence of the scars should not be denied." -- Alice Miller

Above excerpt from the article Resolving the Effects of Child Mistreatment by Alice Miller

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