Feeling Shame

Dear M, no need to apologize. I understood exactly what you meant. If someone needs to apologize it’s me, because my writing sometimes is so much messier.

Google translated the word “pudeur” to modesty and I liked that word! but privacy does make more sense, because we do need privacy when we are healing. I just fixed it!  Thank you!

I read your e-mail about shame. Feeling shame and guilt for what happened to us keeps us stuck. This shame is of the child you once were that was made to feel ashamed for his/her curiosity and for the most natural body functions and for things that children naturally suppose to do, to learn and explore in order grow and develop, but instead is made to feel ashamed and guilt for the abused suffered by being punished. Punishing children causes shame and then it manifests into anger and then rage and it can lead to acts of violence. This scenario plays endless like a broken record over and over again every day in our world.

It was not your fault you were abused and you reenacted your painful childhood drama as an adult, because you lacked a true enlightened witness, but now with my book and Alice miller’s books as your enlightened witness, now you understand why you are here - we can't not leave a place without knowing where we have been and how we got here -- now you understand yourself  and that only you can liberate yourself from this emotional prison, and finally really be free to never again in the future reenact the painful dramas of the past, because now your eyes are wide open and you recognize all the red flags of the seductive traps people create to exploit you the same way theirs and your childhood oppressors once did that will sooner or later reenacts our painful childhood dramas. Free at last!

Yes, if I am invited by people in the media and given the opportunity to promote my book, I will!  because I want to reach as many people as possible, so they too get this lifesaving information that is  essential for people to break free, I am firm believer that getting the right information at the right time is essential for true liberation to be possible. but the problem with the media is that it’s controlled by psychopaths and they feel threaten by people like me, that speaks the naked truth based on facts, they only  like to promote books by charlatans that feeds their own illusions and egos of grandiosity, with their pretty mastered engineered schemes that create a lot of smoke to hide the facts and distracts people from facing and feel their painful truths, but avoiding pain cause blockage, as Alice Miller said in her article The Feeling Child; “Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.

…If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat.”

Dear M,

I just reread your letter about shame and I like to add to what I already wrote to you about shame. You wrote: ‘tonight I realize how long I've been sharing my ongoing situation with you and how surprising it might be to know that I'm still stuck in it”

Like I said before: punishment produces shame and anger and you are continuing punishing yourself the same way, where your childhood oppressors left off, this is the voice of your internalized childhood oppressors punishing yourself for not moving and growing at the speed they wanted you too. You need to stand up to the internalized parents and tell them to fuck off, that you will move at your own speed and when you are ready to do so and not at their speed. And by facing your internalized parents is how you will free yourself to grow and become autonomous. Feeling the repressed feelings of the child we once were can’t be done overnight. It’s a slow process, you have to be patient with the wounded little girl inside of you and give her the time and space to heal. You can’t speed the process, if you do, the little wounded girl inside of you will shut down and not trust you, like you didn’t trust your parents as a small child and had to repress herself to survive, so if you don’t give her the time, love and attention it needs to heal, she will have to repress herself all over again and you will endless remain stuck in oppressive relationships with people symbolizing your parents, if we did it all at once our mind and body might not be able to cope. From when I truly started facing my repression, it took me about three years until I found myself free on the other side.

I agree with everything you wrote about JB. Yes, wounded people completely shut off from their true feelings become easy targets to be exploited by charlatans like him. There is nothing to learn from these people, they are only a big distraction and a lot of smoking mirrors to hide the facts or evidence of the true state of affairs of these psychological mechanisms.

These people still little children starving for parents love and attention and now they trying to fulfill this childhood need by exploiting vulnerable emotionally blind people, just like their parents exploited them when they were little, just as you wrote: “I feel that these groups or individuals are perpetually recruiting in order to feed their hunger for recognition.  It seems to me that they could not be happy by themselves, doing their own thing and just dedicating their life to simply become better individuals.  Their need to share and spread the so called acquired wisdom is not free and sounds phony to me.” Their wisdom is false and indeed very phony.

Before I forget I think you asked me in one of your e-mails, if I had someone to translate my book into French and if I didn’t that would be an honor for you to do it. I have someone that speaks German, English and Spanish that is working on the German and Spanish translation and my niece is working on the Portuguese translation, and to answer your question, no I don’t have anyone yet to translate it into French. It would be an honor for me, if you like to translate it! I don’t have much money to pay you at the moment for the translation, because I am still in debt from producing and publishing the book, but like I said to P and C if the book one day does well around the world, I will equally divide the earnings with all those that contribute and work to help the book reach as many people as possible. I didn’t write this book to get rich, but to share Alice Miller's courageous and pioneering work with others, so they too have a chance to liberate themselves. I don’t have a need for a lot of money, I just want enough to live, so if I make extra money, I will try to use it to help people face and feel their own repression and not to enable their repression or distract them in anyway.

I hope you are having a good weekend.

 Much love,

 Sylvie