Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Pain of a Mother

Any person that has truly face and felt her/his own repression is genuinely compassionate and understanding towards others, even if we have to walk away from people that can’t bear to face and feel their own repression to protect ourselves from being used as their scapegoat or poisons container to unconsciously alleviate their own repression. In the excerpt below from the preface of Paths of Life you get a window to see the pain of Alice Miller from not having come into her insights in time to make a difference in the life of her older child and how she felt the need to share with prospective young parents the insights she discover later in life and wished she had when she was a younger mother, so they don’t make the same mistake she did. 

Of course I have compassion for her son that is in the same boat as most of the people in the rest of the world of having to find the courage to face and feel his own repression, if he truly wants to break free and I have compassion for Alice Miller that suffer in her childhood like most people in the world and the terrible pain she suffers as an adult when she realized that she had hurt her own child by not standing up to her husband and defend her child from his abusive father. 

I am not a mother, but I feel this has to be one of the worst pain for a mother or father to feel that we hurt our own child and that he is stuck in an emotional prison or time capsule because of what we did or not did when they were defenseless little infants and this is why most parents deny the truth to protect themselves from feeling this intense pain, and this is why I never had children, because I could feel I did not have what was needed to raise a conscious human being and that I would not be able to bear the pain of hurting a child I brought into the world, but I am very grateful Alice found the courage and strength to feel her pain and became honest with herself and owned up to her mistakes as a young mother and worked very hard to write her books to warn the rest of the world of the consequences of childhood repression, most parents can never own up to their mistakes towards their children no matter how much evidence we put in front of them and go on blaming the children and unconsciously and compulsively use them and others endless to alleviate their own repression.
As Alice Miller says: “As I’ve aged, I’ve grown more tolerant and patient; I find it easier to wait and let people take the time they need to follow my trains of thought. What helped me to become accommodating was the fact that in contrast to twenty years ago, I no longer feel alone in what I know. Since then both experts and lay people have been able to confirm my conclusions by their own experiences. I no longer have to prove anything.

And yet I still feel a need to share with others things that came to me only late in life. The result does not claim to be literature, we are not dealing here with “art for art.” For my stories are actually based on simple, conscious intentions to inform people and encourage them to think. For me, as for many women, it was very painful to realize that as a young mother I had missed so much, not only for my child but also for myself, simply because I did not know enough. It hurts to see how with more information many things could have turned out better and that much cannot be made good again. My stories arose from the wish to spare other people what I have suffered myself.” Alice Miller ~ Paths of Life, preface

The quote by Marshall Rosenberg in the link below is so true. 

Also, read The Courage of Alice Miller Was Astonishing


  1. Liliane: Thank you for your wonderful true writings because only a few succeeded to break truly free!
    Sylvie: Liliane, thank you for your comment. I read your blog about Martin Miller. I so agree with the words you wrote below. I too wish Martin Miller could articulate and share his pain suffered in his childhood in a way that would harm no one. He is adding much confusion and creating a smoke screen to all that still emotionally blind still looking for answers.
    “…choose to remain in his repressed anger at his mother caught previously used as a scapegoat and is responsible for how he feels in his adult life. Rather than choosing to articulate in a way that harms no one…
    … true autonomy, the prior experience of emotional awareness about the suffering from childhood there and take responsibility for themselves in our adult lives.” So true, Martin Miller still dependent on his mother and trying to kill her in a symbolic way in the public arena by trying to destroy her very pioneering, honest and amazing work she did in her adult life and he is hurting a lot of people in the process, just because he is stuck in his childhood and is letting the repressed emotions of the child dictate his actions. It’s very sad.
    The dream of the tip reminded me of my own need for autonomy contained in the earlier dreams where I was but not of realized how deeply in need was attached to the mother from my childhood. This time it was the night, creative effort of a flawless clarity within the context of the day that preceded it: the indictment of a 63-year-old man to his mother that he abstained autonomy and affection in his childhood and youth. A man who really get to know, instead of themselves choose to remain in his repressed anger and his mother caught previously used as a scapegoat and is responsible for how he feels in his adult life. Rather than choosing to articulate in a way that harms no one. Anger and pain about the cruelty of his childhood

    Want to become autonomous person is required from the affective, empathic bonding with mother (and father) from the very beginning of life the experience. If there are not or insufficiently starting from the experience of the child as an adult can only heal by themselves that little boy or girl, whose painful experiences are stored in the body and mind, to give. Yet that empathy Then one comes naturally to the suppressed anger and the indignation about the hardships increasingly come into the conscious thought, polite and articulate as acquire autonomy unhealthy grounds, as an indictment, accusation or conviction is no real autonomy. Then one remains trapped in the hatred of the scapegoat in denial of its own history. Hate that can even get grandiosity (feelings of superiority) which I was reminded when the son in an interview said the form "thank therapeutischen meiner Arbeit und dieses Buches thank aber ihre überlebt Theory .... ' true autonomy, the prior experience of emotional awareness about the suffering from childhood there and take responsibility for themselves in our adult lives.”

  2. Sylvie, you have the courage to live as the global citizen we all took on birth to be.
    It is not easy to empty our hearts of resentment and past pain.

    Sometimes I think of the Buddhist metaphor of being reincarnated as a bodhisattva--a Buddhist worthy of nirvana who postpones final enlightenment to remain in the material world and help others.

    I used to work with nurses on an oncology wing of a large hospital. All of my co-workers struggled with codependency issues and all of them were open-hearted and in the moment with their patients. I later found out about the term "wounded healer."

    I think it is worth a look....

  3. Liliane: That is so true Sylvie what you wrote about the hurt, confusion and creating a smoke screen and it doesn't bring him closer to himself.

    Sylvie: It doesn’t bring him closer to liberating himself and what is most sad is that he takes with him a few vulnerable lost confused souls. And what is really, really sad is that he makes himself vulnerable for some psychopaths to exploit him, like BR, DM and others like them that are looking for ways to discredit the pioneering, honest, and brilliant work of Alice Miller to make a name for themselves. It’s sad beyond words.

    1. “some psychopaths to exploit him, like BR, DM and others like them that.”

      I guess that by “DM” you mean Daniel Mackler. He’s really a very confused man. See my 2 cents about him here:

  4. Liliane: I totally agree with your words and I feel sad that her excellent and very important work is brought into discredit by people like DM, BR and MM. In their writings and words you can read how they idealize, devalue and show signs of grandiosity. As you can read in the interview with Die Welt-15.10. MM says that it was thanks to his therapeutic work and with his book that the theory of his mother survives! However, it is clear to me that they stuck in their repressed feelings of their childhood and that brings others in confusion and pain.

    Sylvie: I am glad to see that are other people out there that can see it too. Sometimes I feel alone in my perceptions, how BR, DM and MM are twisting Alice Miller’s work to manipulate the perceptions of others and deceive them. It’s very clear to me too that they are stuck in their repressed feelings and suffer from grandiosity. And they allow the fantasies of revenge of the child they once were into actions that brings others confusion and pain. It’s sad beyond words.

  5. Super Sylvie,
    Twenty years ago I found Alice Miller's books. At the time I was back with my mother having hit rock bottom. Divorced, 4 children. I became aware of my very early childhood in the hands of this hating mother being present when she tried to brake the will of a crying 6 months old baby boy, not weened yet, being forced to eat from a bottle of boiling milk. This was the same mean women of 40 years ago.
    I intervened breaking her rage upon this baby. When she realized I was conscious and able to denounce her she expelled me from her place. She never wanted children and told me she was raped by my father and became pregnant, so the "shotgun" marriage. She was a good person, never smoked or drank or drugs. Kept a clean house, sang in church better than Maria Callas, payed violin, guitar, mouth accordeon, and good looking even after 9 kids.
    I could not get her to admit any wrong doing whatsoever. Society was terrible with her.
    Recently, I have felt the hatred my now adult children have repressed. It's killing.
    They are right in they feelings but I have to stay away from them,
    When I became conscious of their hatred, it added to the hatred I had repressed in early chilhood. I now have two burdens to deal with.
    I think I understand both Alice Miller and Martin MiIller.And since I have to protect myself from the hatred of our children, they feel hate, and rejection again by me.
    No wounder most people distract themselves by every means not to go there, in this dark side.

    Thank you, Super Sylvie, for being who you are.

    1. Super Sylvie,
      Well, to put an end to this sad story my biological mother died this afternoon at 14h00. She was to be 94 years old on the 19th of december.

      I felt it in my belly. The ombelical cord was severed.