Most people treat me nice and respect me, but someone young in his twenties, that, works for his father, this week he unconsciously reenacted his childhood drama with me, and unconsciously showed me how he was treated as a small child. These situations are never pleasant! I still don’t handle transference very well!
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=116&grp=11
I know this person has his eyes closed and is not ready to open his eyes to these psychological mechanisms, so trying to explain these psychological mechanisms to him, that does not want to see, I would be putting myself in a frustrating situation, we cannot make someone -- to open his eyes -- that do not want to see and the best thing we can do for ourselves is to let it go and walk away to avoid continuing to be their poison container or scapegoat.Sometimes, we tolerate the destructive patterns of others, because we are afraid to lose them, not understanding that tolerating them will cause us to lose ourselves.
Interesting that someone send me a private e-mail sharing her experience and letters she wrote to Alice Miller. I thought I had read every letter written to Alice Miller, but somehow I missed this one.
Alice Miller’s answer below explains the plight of this young man:
S: ""Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis."
This passage sounded like me before I had the courage to condemn my mother of her treatment of me. I never liked how she hit me as a small child and yelled at me when I was older, but I felt that I had to stay loyal to her anyway. These conflicting feelings bothered me so much that I decided to ask Alice Miller for some advice. I wrote the following e-mail early last year:
Dear Ms. Miller,
I read some of your articles stating that sometimes it is best to distance yourself from an unrepentant parent since depending on him/her for love and security is childish and that an adult is free to engage in relationships elsewhere. I feel that doing this would make me feel better and free, but I have a problem.
On one hand, I am still angry at my mother for the harsh discipline she brought me up with and that she lectures me as if I'm a naive child. (I'm planning on living in an apartment within a few months.) I'm going on twenty-one for crying out loud, and she acts as if I live in a bubble. (Examples include "there are people that you can trust and people that you can't trust") Well, duh! I don't easily trust people anyway. And if I have any issues during my time living on my own, I should come straight to her. (As if I'm not supposed to seek out any other options.)
On the other hand, though, she said that she would help me with expenses for the apartment since I'm still in college and I'm saving money. She is pretty ill, (she has to take her blood pressure every day, medication, etc.) She also wants me to help her with her schooling because she is planning to go back to school and I agreed.
While distancing myself from her would be better for me, I fear that telling her that she abused me would make her sicker. I appreciate the good things she did for me, yet the bad things she did still burn in my memory, and I won't forgive her as long as she feels justified for what she did to me. I also fear that my older siblings would hold a grudge against me and say that I didn't appreciate her and that our father is the real abuser. (My dad abused my mother, brother, and to a lesser extent my sister. I was told that I was his favorite. My parents separated when I was three years old, and divorced when I was eleven. Even after they separated, I visited Dad every now and then until I was eight. I didn't see him again until last year. He told my siblings and I that he was sorry for what he did in the past and is working on improving himself. He stopped drinking excessively and is working on getting back into our lives. My siblings and I still talk to him on the phone. I still don't feel ready to have a close relationship with him, but I'm giving him a chance. I'm not sure how my sister feels about him, but my brother and Mom still have a grudge against him since they knew him the longest. I find this odd because at least he's trying to change, and they know what abuse is like, yet they both support corporal punishment.)
My mom was raised by her grandmother because her mother died when she was ten years old. My mom told me that her grandmother was very strict such as locking up the fridge until it was mealtime and making her and her siblings iron sheets. I assume that my great-grandmother also used corporal punishment on her. Yet, my mom doesn't seem ashamed of her upbringing and hails her as a goddess. Maybe that's why she's so sick now. (I'm relating to your phrase, "The Body Never Lies"; I couldn't agree more.)
Anyway, should I tell her the painful truth and risk worsening her sickness and having my siblings mad at me or is there another option?
SR
Here was her response:
AM: Your dilemma is absolutely understandable in your age. If you read The Body Never Lies you know that dependency increases hatred. But maybe you need more time to make your decisions. Try to listen to your feelings and to take them seriously.
--------------------------------//-----------------
I was disappointed with her answer at first because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. After doing some thinking though, I realized that it did me no good to stay close to her while having mixed feelings about her, too. A week after seeking advice from Ms. Miller, I had the courage to write and send a letter to Mom to tell her my true feelings about her. The letter can be found HERE
I am now thankful that Ms. Miller didn't tell me what I wanted to hear because the truth is better than wishful thinking.
I think that you mentioned sending Oprah these letters back when you were in that anti-corporal punishment group before you left. (By the way, I left, too, back in March. It's sad that even noble groups like that one hold on to illusions.) You stated that Oprah either ignored the letters or deleted them or both. This is more evidence that she wants to deny her pain and it's dangerous that she encourages her followers to do the same.
I'm sorry if this is a bit long-winded, but I couldn't limit my response to your post to a few sentences like I usually do. Anyway, keep up the good work. I feel that you are picking up where Ms. Miller left off.
Posted by Schiavonne on Thursday, July 01, 2010 - 7:35 AM
Dear S, Thank you so much for writing and sharing your letters to Alice Miller and your Mother. I enjoy reading very much, they brought tears to my eyes, it’s a joy to see a young person like you with so much courage to see and feel.
S: ""Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis."
This passage sounded like me before I had the courage to condemn my mother of her treatment of me. I never liked how she hit me as a small child and yelled at me when I was older, but I felt that I had to stay loyal to her anyway. These conflicting feelings bothered me so much that I decided to ask Alice Miller for some advice. I wrote the following e-mail early last year:
Dear Ms. Miller,
I read some of your articles stating that sometimes it is best to distance yourself from an unrepentant parent since depending on him/her for love and security is childish and that an adult is free to engage in relationships elsewhere. I feel that doing this would make me feel better and free, but I have a problem.
On one hand, I am still angry at my mother for the harsh discipline she brought me up with and that she lectures me as if I'm a naive child. (I'm planning on living in an apartment within a few months.) I'm going on twenty-one for crying out loud, and she acts as if I live in a bubble. (Examples include "there are people that you can trust and people that you can't trust") Well, duh! I don't easily trust people anyway. And if I have any issues during my time living on my own, I should come straight to her. (As if I'm not supposed to seek out any other options.)
On the other hand, though, she said that she would help me with expenses for the apartment since I'm still in college and I'm saving money. She is pretty ill, (she has to take her blood pressure every day, medication, etc.) She also wants me to help her with her schooling because she is planning to go back to school and I agreed.
While distancing myself from her would be better for me, I fear that telling her that she abused me would make her sicker. I appreciate the good things she did for me, yet the bad things she did still burn in my memory, and I won't forgive her as long as she feels justified for what she did to me. I also fear that my older siblings would hold a grudge against me and say that I didn't appreciate her and that our father is the real abuser. (My dad abused my mother, brother, and to a lesser extent my sister. I was told that I was his favorite. My parents separated when I was three years old, and divorced when I was eleven. Even after they separated, I visited Dad every now and then until I was eight. I didn't see him again until last year. He told my siblings and I that he was sorry for what he did in the past and is working on improving himself. He stopped drinking excessively and is working on getting back into our lives. My siblings and I still talk to him on the phone. I still don't feel ready to have a close relationship with him, but I'm giving him a chance. I'm not sure how my sister feels about him, but my brother and Mom still have a grudge against him since they knew him the longest. I find this odd because at least he's trying to change, and they know what abuse is like, yet they both support corporal punishment.)
My mom was raised by her grandmother because her mother died when she was ten years old. My mom told me that her grandmother was very strict such as locking up the fridge until it was mealtime and making her and her siblings iron sheets. I assume that my great-grandmother also used corporal punishment on her. Yet, my mom doesn't seem ashamed of her upbringing and hails her as a goddess. Maybe that's why she's so sick now. (I'm relating to your phrase, "The Body Never Lies"; I couldn't agree more.)
Anyway, should I tell her the painful truth and risk worsening her sickness and having my siblings mad at me or is there another option?
SR
Here was her response:
AM: Your dilemma is absolutely understandable in your age. If you read The Body Never Lies you know that dependency increases hatred. But maybe you need more time to make your decisions. Try to listen to your feelings and to take them seriously.
--------------------------------//-----------------
I was disappointed with her answer at first because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. After doing some thinking though, I realized that it did me no good to stay close to her while having mixed feelings about her, too. A week after seeking advice from Ms. Miller, I had the courage to write and send a letter to Mom to tell her my true feelings about her. The letter can be found HERE
I am now thankful that Ms. Miller didn't tell me what I wanted to hear because the truth is better than wishful thinking.
I think that you mentioned sending Oprah these letters back when you were in that anti-corporal punishment group before you left. (By the way, I left, too, back in March. It's sad that even noble groups like that one hold on to illusions.) You stated that Oprah either ignored the letters or deleted them or both. This is more evidence that she wants to deny her pain and it's dangerous that she encourages her followers to do the same.
I'm sorry if this is a bit long-winded, but I couldn't limit my response to your post to a few sentences like I usually do. Anyway, keep up the good work. I feel that you are picking up where Ms. Miller left off.
Posted by Schiavonne on Thursday, July 01, 2010 - 7:35 AM
Dear S, Thank you so much for writing and sharing your letters to Alice Miller and your Mother. I enjoy reading very much, they brought tears to my eyes, it’s a joy to see a young person like you with so much courage to see and feel.
You said: “ Anyway, keep up the good work. I feel that you are picking up where Ms. Miller left off.”
This is the biggest compliment anyone could ever give me. Thank you. I will never be able to fill the shoes of Dr. Alice Miller, I am dyslexic and I drop out of school in the seven grade, so expressing myself does not come easy, I will never be able to articulate the knowledge I feel and shared with Dr. Alice Miller like she did, but you can be a sure that I will try to carry her torch everywhere I go and as far I can go.
Some people get annoyed that I quote and mention Alice Miller’s work a lot, but she is the only person I know that articulates what I see and feel so well, the only reason they get annoyed is that the truth we are putting in front of them is too much for them to bear.
I read a lot of self-help books before I read Dr. Alice Miller’s books and after reading all those books I always felt there was not quite right and I needed to search further. Not until I read and digested Dr. Alice Miller's books did I feel I was hearing the whole truth at last and no longer needed to keep searching, finally, I had found all the answers to my questions and I no longer felt alone with my perceptions, it was liberating.
I am amazed at these so-called “educated” smart and very articulate people, especially on TV, but are not able to see these psychological mechanisms, and me, that I was considered to be stupid, and mentally challenged while I was growing up and I dropped out of school in the seven grade can see so clear. Now looking back I think everyone, especially my teachers, try so hard to make me feel stupid because they felt threatened by my authenticity and courage.
Congratulations on your courage to see and feel our world is in desperate need of more courageous young people like you.
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