A false self
The false self is a psychological defense mechanism that can develop in response to environmental failures, particularly in early childhood. It can arise when a child's emotional needs are not consistently met by their primary caregiver.
A clear self-definition doesn't develop. Instead, the authentic, spontaneous self gets repressed in order to survive and make room for the needs of others. This becomes the basis for the mask of the false self. The conclusion often becomes "I am here to meet the needs and expectations of others, the mother of mother substitute." It can lead to a person feeling empty and lacking spontaneity and can manifest in a variety of dysfunctional behaviors.
The false self is the mask presented to the world acting as if personality, It stands in contrast to the true self, which resides behind the facade or image. This true self is the feeling self, but for the narcissist, the feeling self must be hidden and denied.
The false self is a psychological construct that is a defensive facade that a person creates to protect them from facing painful truths. It can also be referred to as a fake self, idealized self, superficial self, or pseudo-self.
The false self can develop when a child's primary caregiver doesn't consistently meet their emotional needs. This can happen during early childhood and can lead to the child creating a false self to cope with the neglect or inconsistency.
Some characteristics of the false self include:
Overcompensating
Deflecting and distracting others
Hiding sin and shame
Being ego driven
Being self-serving
Being defensive
Being full of pride
In contrast, the true self is a sense of self that is based on authentic experience and a feeling of being alive. It can also be referred to as the real self, authentic self, original self, or vulnerable self.
These people as adults can grow into full-blown malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths becoming the classic case Dr. Alice Miller describes beautifully in her book The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self.
- People who set unrealistic goals for themselves, and may feel like they never quite get there. They may also experience negative self-image, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome.
Overachieving can lead to a number of negative consequences, including:
- Mental health issues: Overachievers may experience increased stress, anxiety, and depression.
- Unhealthy behaviors: Overachievers may engage in unethical or risky behaviors to reach their goals.
- Career issues: Overachievers may drive themselves and others to a high standard, which can lead to disappointment and hurt their career growth.
Therapy and self-reflection can help overachievers break free from their compulsive behaviors and learn healthier ways to cope with the pressures of overachieving.
Ultimately, overachieving acts as a temporary band-aid. Just like any coping mechanism, it protects you from dealing with difficult emotions festering underneath: fear of failure, disapproval, looking weak, or the future. feelings of worthlessness: I'm not good enough unless I do XYZ.
If you overwork yourself or feel the need to constantly be busy, it may be a trauma response. Key takeaways: Edward Khantzian developed the self-medication model of addiction and the idea that addiction comes from the “inability to tolerate one's feelings.”
And consciously feel their fears and painful feelings within the context of their own childhood
Anger only becomes dangerous when it is repressed or unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats. As Alice Miller wrote in her article What is Hatred? "I too believe that hatred can poison the organism, but only as long as it is unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats. When that happens, hatred cannot be resolved. Suppose, for example, that I hate a specific ethnic group but have never allowed myself to realize how my parents treated me when I was a child, how they left me crying for hours in my cot when I was a baby, how they never gave me so much as a loving glance. If that is the case, then I will suffer from a latent form of hatred that can pursue me throughout my whole life and cause all kinds of physical symptoms. But if I know what my parents did to me in their ignorance and have a conscious awareness of my indignation at their behavior, then I have no need to re-direct my hatred at other persons. In the course of time, my hatred for my parents may weaken, or it may resolve itself temporarily, only to flare up again as a result of events in the present or new memories. But I know what this hatred is all about. Thanks to the feelings I have actively experienced, I now know myself well enough, AND I HAVE NO COMPULSION TO KILL OR HARM ANYONE BECAUSE OF MY FEELINGS OF HATRED."
The real problem in our society is childhood repression. People of all races are unconscious and compulsively looking for scapegoats to take revenge for the wrongs done to them when they were defenseless little children.
You have to be constantly on the lookout no matter who you interact with, and race has nothing to do with it. Of course, over the years minority groups have been easy targets to turn into scapegoats for those in power positions.
You have to be constantly on the lookout no matter who you interact with, and race has nothing to do with it. Of course, over the years minority groups have been easy targets to turn into scapegoats for those in power positions.
"If the repression stays unresolved, the parents’ childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 23
From my book A Dance to Freedom page 80: "When we admire people for who they are, instead of for
what they have or accomplish, we will have a better society —
or at least a more honest one. Those who define themselves
by their victories and professional status are on shaky
ground, because these things aren’t sustainable. But, as Alice
Miller says, this modus operandi fits “the life of millions of
people, brilliant, unconscious, running for the gold … and
never feeling their sadness or rage about their parents who
couldn’t love them as they were.” She goes on to say that we
can only lose our symptoms once we become free of wanting
to either understand our parents or wanting to help them.43
AM: I am very moved by your letter, by your clarity, your determination to live with your fate in a conscious way, to see your truth as clearly as possible, and to overcome so the illusions and the confusions your parents inflicted on you. Readers who know your story from April 08 will doubtlessly be encouraged to overcome their fear and to face their own truth. You no longer need to write a philosophical thesis to “show” your existence because you DO exist, since you became a feeling person. This helped you to understand more about your life and life in general than writing a thesis. So many authors of different thesis remain empty inside and actually ignorant because they are afraid of their strong feelings and their history. I am happy that my books were “speaking to you”, as you write, but you were also able to listen to them and ACT in your best interest by embracing the little boy who suffered so much from the beginning of his life. In the relation with him you can’t lose the right direction, even if you make mistakes or steps back, this is absolutely normal. I wish you BOTH the best time on your road to your liberty after so much pain and injustice:
We repeat when we refuse to believe
AM: You are writing: “I hope to find a helping witness and that I will get strong enough to leave the people who only hurt me”. This sentence shows that you understand what you are doing and THUS are able to change. This happens seldom at your age so I hope too that you will succeed. It takes time to SEE and to BELIEVE that your parents were dangerous indeed. But it is exactly this insight that will make you free to choose the right partner who deserves you and not fall in love with a cold, dishonest, and stupid guy. Only in childhood, you were forbidden to SEE, you were forced to stay blind. Now, as an intelligent woman, you can use your feelings and your mind to make your judgment. If you are looking for a therapist open the page “Articles” and read the first two messages.
I lived with that for 10 years. They apologize as a tool of manipulation to keep you exactly where they want you.
