This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
I remember very vivid saying to Marty that I could not go out with him because he would be too much trouble for me. But after a year of chasing after me I gave in. Me too, I knew he was trouble the moment he walked in.
This song was inspired by Harry Styles and it's interesting that he reminds me a lot of Marty! Had the same smile and both are Aquarius. Be be careful with those Aquarius, they are trouble.
Thanks to Harry Styles we have this beautiful song. And thanks to my experience with Marty i was inspired to write A Dance to Freedom.
Only i wanted was Marty's love but instead I got a degree in psychology and I became a published author.
"1. He sees all emotional reactions as attention. Narcissists thrive on getting attention, feeling special, and having control. He is an expert at getting an emotional reaction out of you – good or bad – because it makes him feel powerful and better than you. The best thing you can do is not react. I often tell my clients to use fewer words – don’t bother getting into a discussion or trying to explain your point – it won’t work, and only gets you sucked further into his crazy, which is what he wants. So, say little, walk away, and extract yourself.
2. They try to keep the relationship not to love you, but to control you. When a rift of any kind does occur in the relationship, he tries to get you back – with false promises – not because he really wants a better, healthy relationship with you, but because he wants to control you. He must win. He must have the final say. This is part of the abuse cycle. He wants you back for his own purposes.
3. All his thoughts are focused on getting attention and feeling special. Everything in his life, and I mean everything, are about filling that bottomless pit inside him that needs to feel superior, special, and the focus of attention. Don’t be fooled – what might seem like a kind act almost always has a hidden agenda to serve his own purposes. Nothing is a higher priority to him than feeling special."
Click in the link below to read all the 10 Truths Narcissists Want to hide from you. The author uses the pronoun "he" for convenience but of course aplies also to the female narcissit.
Very true! The fact that I have been constantly targeted by these malignant people since I published my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusion is a sign I got it right. My book challenges them, just as a reader of my book wrote: "I'm so sorry you have to endure manipulation and abuse from perfect strangers because of your book. However, I think it's a sign you got it right!"
The enemy wouldn't be attacking you if something very valuable wasn't inside of You. Thieves don't break into empty houses. YOU have a purpose!
"WHO IS TARGETED Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …"
You caught the narcissist's eye because you are a capable, caring, loving person, everything they are not. They set out to prove that your personality was as fake as theirs. They tried to shatter your self- confidence, take away your security and make you beg them for more emotional abuse. In their twisted minds this emotional wreck before them is the real, pitiful you and you deserve to be outted. Love is foreign to them and so is the pain of a broken heart. ~Y. Clerebout
THEY ARE PREDATORS
They seek out compassionate, trusting good hearted human beings, and then mimic those qualities. Like parasites, they are their strongest when they have a healthy host. And then slowly, they use their victims love to destroy them from the inside out. But unlike parasites, they don't do this for survival. They do it for fun / entertainment in order to temporarily alleviate the twisted state of living in contempt, envy and boredom.
We need to fully grasp what we are dealing with when we encounter a narcissist. This thing masquerading as a normal person is in no way human, as we understand the word. It is a predator and a destroyer of all good and decent things. If we can comprehend this it will have no power over our thoughts and emotions. If one of these are in your life do everything in your power to extract it. Your sanity and your life may depend on it. ~Y. Clerebout
Lesley Gore- "You Don't Own Me" Love this song was way before its time and will always be gold
Yep. My feedback below to a narcissist close to me was treated as the biggest insult ever. People have to find the strength and courage to detach and let go the narcissist family cult. And most of the time we have let go of money too.
Freedom ain't free! It comes with a lot of losses. Stop fighting and walk away. Take time to mourn and heal. At the end of mourning, you feel so free and good that you never thought it was possible.
Walk away from people that lacks courage and never look back. Put them in your rearview mirror.
“I already know that! It's better to let go... one thing I have learned is that it's not worth it fighting over money! At the end of our journey where we go, we can't take our money with us anyway! What we leave behind someone else will get to use our money for good or bad and we will not have a saying by then!!! The reality is, as long your mother is alive, she's entitled to give her money to whoever she wants and we don't have to like it! Unless she is declared mentally insane, she can do with her money whatever she wants...”
Very true! No, they don't ever reflect. They refuse to look at themselves and take responsibility for their actions. They rather put all the blame on others and live with the illusion that are perfect.
No, you can't. Walk away
Yep, they are like the people they despise and hate so much
"it was as if his words were spraying vitriol on her face"
Narcissists choose darkness because they are cowards too afraid to face and feel their own painful truths. In the dark they can carry on with their wicked mind games.
It means your Inner Being’s natural state, without trauma, limitation and “darkness”. The narcissist must work with your “shadows” to control you and have the upper hand. These are your inner emotional “gaps”, making you feel like the narcissist’s opinion and behaviour are shaping your inner and outer life.
Without initially understanding this (perfectly understandable in the “fog of war”), these are the bullets you are handing the narcissist to shoot you with.
In extreme contrast, if you do the inner work to shore up these inner wounds and dependencies – if they no longer exist and you are no longer triggered. You are simply and powerfully yourself, unaffected by the narcissist’s words and antics, rather than being sucked into “darkness”.
Rather you just stand as a bright LIGHT.
Meaning a shining Truth that plays no part in the narcissist’s narrative. You have no need to argue, justify or participate anymore at all. You are just being and generating a life representing health, truth and sanity.
How Dark Is The Narcissist’s Darkness?
Your Light is the VERY opposite of the darkness that the narcissist’s False Self is.
Let’s look at just how dark and perverse the narcissistic psyche is. It contains things like ego attachments to significance, notoriety, stuff, sex, addiction to attention, promiscuity, depravity, manipulation, cruelty, exploitation of others, revenge, envy … and so much more.
If you are a “Light” against this darkness, the narcissistic garbage becomes “Not Your Reality“. You are beaming your Light and creating your life regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.
This is achieved by honouring your emotional self – your Inner Being. It is done by turning inwards to load up and release all the terrible triggered traumas accompanying narcissistic abuse.
These are things like the disbelief of such evil and maliciousness and the heartbreak that someone who is supposed to love you can treat you like the enemy with absolutely no conscience or clemency. The narcissist becoming “Not Your Reality” is achieved by releasing YOUR darkness – any negative emotion – including fear, confusion and any other internal feeling of dense energy that is NOT Light.
The narcissist loves it when you are in fear, pain, insecurity, confusion and trauma (darkness). Because then you are on the narcissist’s dark battlefield. This is “hell on earth” where the narcissist is a demon – incredibly comfortable operating and energised by negative emotions and your bleeding emotional wounds, just as sharks are when in a feeding frenzy.
Here, in this “hell”, you cannot fight back. You would literally have to sell your Soul to beat a narcissist in their “lair” and be prepared to go to every length to do so – and what would you ultimately lose by doing so?
The answer is your Soul.
(A narcissist would usually rather die than be wrong.)
The only way to save our souls and protect ourselves from this now evil people, we must not engage with them, cut our losses and grieve our losses. Walk away and let them be to meet their own future and destiny.
Use the grey rock method
"The grey rock method is where you deliberately act unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you.
Abusive people thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and don’t show your emotions, they may lose interest and stop bothering you. This is known as “grey rocking.”"
We only can save ourselves. Doing our emotional work to resolve childhood repression is the most important work in our adult lives. And the vaccine against narcissists, sociopaths, assholes or whatever you like to call these now evil people.
"The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82
“The key to effective therapy is learning how to use your present triggers productively. They can help us clarify, understand, and consciously feel our intense emotions within the context of our own childhoods without losing our adult consciousness. A good therapist can help us regain our adult consciousness if we lose it and encourage our autonomy, so we can deal with present issues from an adult perspective.
…Just remember this: If particular people or circumstances trigger excruciatingly intense feelings inside you, just keep telling yourself that these are the repressed feelings of the child you once were. Feelings don’t kill anyone no matter how intense they are. Only actions kill. So if you ride your intense feelings into shore, direct them at the real culpritswho hurt you when you were a defenseless child and avoid taking any actions you may regret later, you’ll be free and no one will get hurt. As an autonomous adult, you do have some control over the people you let into your inner circle, and you may have to make some relationship adjustments as you do your emotional work. I took a lot of extra time to be with myself in solitude because most of the people in my life just didn’t understand what I was going through. When you’re trying to resolve your repression, being around unconscious people who are doing everything they can to avoid their own truths puts you at risk of relapsing into playing your old roles.” From my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions pages 129, 163, and 164:
I have. It's frustrating when most o the time you are the only one to see it how some people are pure evil hiding behind a mask.
EVIL WILL VERY RARELY EXPOSE ITSELF TO PUBLIC LIGHT. IT MUST HIDE. AND IT ALMOST ALWAYS HIDES UNDER THE PRETEXT OF SOMETHING VIRTUOUS.
"But chances are you won’t ever remove the narcissist mask, because he defends it at all costs with a full arsenal of preemptive controlling and abusive tactics. Whether as a young person overvalued with excessive praise and indulgence or undervalued with neglect and/or abuse (or an impossible combination of those parenting styles), the narcissist is in essence an emotionally stunted child with an adult savvy for ruthless manipulating. The narcissist mask is what he wears to assert a face of superiority and entitlement, protecting himself from intolerable feelings of invalidation, otherwise known as “narcissistic injury.”
The Narcissist Bully
Narcissists are classic bullies. They ambush, attack without cause, and prey on the most vulnerable within their grasp, usually those who love and depend on them, namely their spouse and children, who as a result carry lasting emotional and physiological trauma.
Narcissists often also abuse employees, susceptible friends, and “underlings” such as waiters and clerks. Exploiting their power over others in any way possible feeds their endless need to feel superior, and their lack of empathy gives them free range to abuse without the troubling hindrance of a conscience.
The Narcissist Coward
Many of us come out of invalidating (sometimes severely) home environments, but we do not become compassionless sadists. Narcissists are cowards who are fundamentally terrified of themselves and anyone who might see through their mask. Their driving motivation in life is to shield themselves from threatening emotions that trigger their deep-seated sense of inferiority, or narcissist injury.
Often narcissists strike and run, initiating surprise attacks and retreating before being confronted with the consequences of their rage. Narcissists also may behave passive-aggressively, cloaking their rage in self-pitying performances meant to induce guilt and blame.
Whatever hurtful tactics they use, narcissists virtually never take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they are masterful at denying and projecting their abuse onto others, most often those they have abused, further exacerbating the harm they do.
The Narcissist Liar
The narcissist mask is a lie designed to protect her from truths she cannot bear. Again, this feels like a pity plea moment, and indeed pity for the narcissist is understandable. But pity for the narcissist is dangerous territory that often leads those already victimized into a position for further abuse.
Narcissists are liars who continuously attempt to control others’ perceptions of them and, when they can’t, resort to nasty, often violent reprisal. The narcissist may cast himself as a highly principled person, but in reality he is only concerned with his own needs and is too weak to face life’s truths, especially those that threaten his defenses. He may talk a good game, but when it comes to the truth, he stonewalls, blames and shames others, and always deflects accountability.
The narcissist may, for example, rage at her son for getting an A- grade instead of an A, because she feels threatened by her son’s academic success, she is angry about a fight she had with her spouse, or she is projecting a self-centered expectation of perfection.
The Narcissist Fraud
Narcissists are by nature frauds who lie, exaggerate, and brag about themselves and denigrate others to bolster their image. They hate themselves but hate others even more, and everything they do is in service of asserting a superior face no matter what reality exists inside themselves or within their family.
A dictionary definition of fraud is
a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.
Narcissists are classic frauds—at love, parenting, friendship, and any other important relationship in life. Because they lack the ability to recognize and empathize with others’ experiences and emotions, narcissists are incapable of authentic intimacy, kindness, or selfless giving.
Julie L. Hall’s articles on narcissism regularly appear on her blog The Narcissist Family Files and in The Huffington Post and PsychCentral.com. She is the author of the forthcoming memoir about life, and a few near deaths, in a narcissistic family (read excerpts).
Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …"
Narcissists use superficial praise and personality mirroring to get jobs, partners, friends, and influence. The problem with shallow flattery is that it's not authentic, so their fairy-tale beginnings always come crashing down. With Cluster-B personality types, it's common to think that you've found the perfect employee, the most amazing partner, the nicest friend, the greatest politician... But with time, everything starts to come crumbling down. They're dishonest, disloyal, and their actions never seem to match up with those promising words they gave in the beginning. This is because that person never actually existed, they were just acting as a chameleon, saying exactly what they thought you wanted to hear.
When Keanu Reeves Said:
"If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you're a badass with the heart of an angel"
When someone sets clear boundaries with a narcissist, refusing to be manipulated or controlled, it can be frustrating and upsetting as it undermines their power dynamic.
Being seen as "lesser":
Narcissists often have a grandiose sense of self, so witnessing someone else being praised or achieving success they feel they should have can trigger envy and resentment.
Genuine indifference:
When someone shows genuine lack of interest in a narcissist's opinions or displays a casual attitude towards them, it can be disorienting and challenging to their need for validation.
Loss of control:
Narcissists often try to manipulate situations to maintain control, so when someone resists their attempts or takes charge, it can be deeply upsetting.
Being called out for their hypocrisy:
Narcissists frequently project their own flaws onto others, so when their hypocrisy is pointed out, it can be difficult for them to handle.
Ask a narcissist if they are dependable and they will say, Im the most responsible person you know, you can always count on me. And they can be. But when the rubber meets the road (an old saying about being put to the test), narcissists seem to wiggle out of accountability. Why?
Narcissists will gladly be responsible for the things they deem worthy, especially when it provides an opportunity to be the center of attention. However, when others place responsibility on the narcissist, the narcissist sees this as an attempt to control them. This violates one of their personal mantras: no one will have power over them. So they escape from all liability. How?
Intimidate/Blame. The narcissist begins by bullying the person endeavoring to hold them accountable. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. Once a subordinate position has been established, they blame the person for attempting to make the narcissist look less than superior.
Accuse/Project. To circumvent any accountability, the narcissist preempts the attack by accusing another person. Usually, they pick an overly responsible, co-dependent person who idolizes the narcissist. Then the narcissist projects the things they are answerable for onto the other person. Thus escaping before the attack.
Argue/Exhaust. This is the simplest tactic with great immediate results. When confronted, the narcissist picks one small detail and argues it to the umpteenth degree. If the other person argues back, they pick another tiny point and persistently wear down their opponent. Exhausted, frustrated, and annoyed, the other person gives upholding the narcissist liable.
Deny/Rewrite. One way of avoiding responsibility is for the narcissist to deny they have any. Even if the item is written down, the narcissist will make excuses and rewrite history. Frequently they take the victim role by saying they were forced into being held accountable when in actuality they willingly did so. This tactic often leaves the other person questioning themselves and their memory.
Divert/Attack. This method begins with an outburst over something very insignificant. Then, the narcissist exaggerates the point to incite the other person and draw their attention away from what really is happening. Whenever the narcissist is fueling a small fire, it is to keep the focus off the inferno somewhere else. The diversion is done to drain resources, energy, and time so the narcissist can attack when the other person is vulnerable.
Fear/Avoid. Narcissists have the ability to take a persons small fear and turn it into paranoia. Their charisma is put to destructive uses as they weave a believable story with an intense dreadful outcome. Once the other person is frightened, the narcissist uses the other persons terror as justification for avoiding responsibility. They often cite that the other person is reactionary and therefore any requests from the other person should be discounted.
Rescue/Retreat. This tactic is the most manipulative of the bunch. First, the narcissist rescues the other person from a dreadful situation. Having gained the other persons loyalty, the narcissist waits. Eventually, the other person confronts the narcissist about a lack of responsibility and then the narcissist retreats. The withholding of love/attention/time is so dramatic that the other person becomes horrified and assumes responsibility so that the narcissist will return. Once secured, the narcissist then accuses the other person of not appreciating the rescue. The other person feels bad and succumbs to the wishes of the narcissist even further.
Preaching forgiveness is another form of abuse that keeps us stuck in their emotional prisons. You have to allow yourself to feel all of your authentic feelings caused by the trauma we suffered from the sociopaths/narcissists. Feelings don't cause harm to ourselves or others, only actions can cause harm, but the repression of our authentic feelings will harm us and keeps us stuck in the emotional prison. Forgiveness is a lid that represses our feelings and as long as our feelings are repressed we stay stuck.
Just as Alice Miller wrote: They work under the influence of various interpretations culled from both Western and Oriental religions, which preach forgiveness to the once-mistreated child. Thereby, they create a new vicious circle for people who, from their earliest years, have been caught in the vicious circle of pedagogy. This, they refer to as "therapy".
In so doing, they lead them into a trap from which there is no escape, the same trap that once rendered their natural protests impossible, thus causing the illness in the first place. Because such therapists, caught as they are in the pedagogic system, cannot help patients to resolve the consequences of the traumatization they have suffered, they offer them traditional morality instead. In recent years I have been sent many books from the United States of America describing different kinds of therapeutic intervention by authors with whom I am not familiar.
Many of these authors presume that forgiveness is an indispensable condition for successful therapy. This notion appears to be so widespread in therapeutic circles that it is not always called into question - something urgently needed. For forgiveness does not resolve latent hatred and self-hatred but can cover them up in a very dangerous way. “ Alice Miller Read more here
The words below by Alice Miller about forgiveness are also very true. From my experience admitting the truth is a must, but we must also feel the whole range of our repressed emotions within the context of our own childhood, otherwise, the compulsion to repeat or reenact our childhood drama will continue endlessly one way or another. “…preaching forgiveness is not only hypocritical and futile but also actively dangerous.
It masks the compulsion to repeat. The only thing that can protect us from repetition is the admission of the truth, with all its implications.
Once we know as accurately as possible what our parents did to us, we are no longer in danger of repeating their misdeeds. Otherwise, we will do so automatically, and with all the tenacity at our disposal, we will resist the idea that we can --- and indeed must --- break off our infant attachment to parents who abused us if we want to become adults and live of our own in peace.
We must give up the confusion we lived in as infants, the confusion stemming from early attempts to understand abuse and give it a meaning. As adults we can do that; we can learn to understand how morality in therapy gets in the way of the healing of the wounds we carry around inside us.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting” by Alice Miller page 152.
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse.
If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness.
I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.
..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds.
This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
Yes, i have noticed it! They become exactly like the people they despise, hate and call toxic. They are lost in projections and transferences. And that’s why they are so dangerous.
