Hi Sylvie,
I finally
received your book after making the mistake of ordering it under my husband’s
Amazon account. He finally asked me about it and I reordered it under mine.
Guess he didn't want to pay for it. Lol! Couldn't wait for it to arrive, so I
was bummed when I thought I had ordered it and was on its way when it wasn't
really. I read it all except I didn't do the worksheets. I get so busy with my
4 kids and I fear leaving paper around because I have a snoop husband who finds
reads and keeps everything that he can use against me. It’s really awful!! I
can use my phone notes but then fear that he has access to that to. So here I
am at the library writing you.
First, I
congratulate you on your book and finally reaching a point of discovery and
finding who you are. A place I would love to arrive at soon. I’m 45 and have
suffered a huge emotionally depressed internal battle most of my life. And really
I’m sorry for all you have experienced in your life. But I love how you stood
up for yourself when you felt you really needed to. I love your independence in
a way, how you got to do all kinds of things etc. I worked retail and was very
good at it because I love people and am very friendly. But have fortunately and
unfortunately been a stay home mom since my oldest son was born almost 20 years
ago. And I cannot find a job anywhere. Sucks!!
I wish I can
tell you my story in person so much easier. I’m going to make it short. Just
really looking to see what your opinion is.
I was
rejected and emotionally abandoned by my mother and my siblings learned from
her. I was the youngest of four. Our father died when I was four. I was born breech and I overheard my mother
talking to friends telling them the story and she made a comment “I hope she’s
ok", this was the deadly seed that was planted in my soul that made me the
person I am today. What made it worse is how she treated me. She ignored me,
doing her cleaning, sewing, cooking, TV watching, etc. She would cook and take
care of me but what I needed from her was her acceptance and love and
validation that I was normal. I would say to her "why don't you talk to
me" in Spanish my mother language. So I felt I was smart, creative, etc.
but if my mother said this then something must be wrong with me. I grew up
feeling unwanted and defective. They never diagnosed me for anything not even
to this day. I think that I might have a language issue where I struggle to find the right words to say. I have learned recently also that maybe since I
was under such anxiety that perhaps my brain didn't develop normally. Anyway
this is my issue. I became a little sexualized.
My best friend's neighbor and her brother, we would get in the closet and
this boy would show us his private. I had a moment with a girl cousin where we
explored and kissed. I remember seeing a book that my mother had laying around
on pregnancy and not sure what impact it had but it made an impression. Also, a
lady friend of my mother was rubbing my back and she went around and fondled my
breast. I have a hard time remembering when things happened in what order but I
was 7 to 9 years old. So I have also read that this can be a problem with kids
who are emotionally neglected or abandoned. Have you heard this being true? I
need to read the Alice Miller books seriously. So fast forward. At 20 years of
age I had graduated high school and really didn't keep in touch with friends.
We moved away to another town and met my husband. He was amazing at the first
meeting. We worked together at a grocery store. He’s the pharmacist and I was
bigger than Deli. I thought he was perfect. He makes good money, he’s Christian
and he likes me. Well, six months into dating he tells me he has something to
tell me. He said he got in trouble for doing something stupid, he exposed
himself and he was a sex offender. I was like what is that hey am not perfect
either so I ignored this red flag and accepted his marriage proposal. I didn't
tell anyone because I didn't think my mother or siblings thought I could do
better. Immediately after marrying him, he changed. He ignored me sound
familiar? Well since I was used to that I took the emotional abuse. He’s
insane, a lot of narcissistic characteristics, is a psychopath, controlling, on and
on. I tried divorcing him but got scared not knowing if I would have kids and a house. Anyways just all sad. My family found out about all this recently but
they don't take responsibility for anything. They tell my family I’ve made poor
choices, I’m disrespectful, etc. I just feel that since I was emotionally and
physically rejected be my mom that all these things happened to me. So now I’m
having to learn about this and understand that am not all to blame i hope. It’s
literally staring my life over again. I lost friends, can’t find a job, my
family is distant, Still with this husband that says he’s sorry and wants to
stay together. I so don't love him at all. I just go with it since I have
nowhere else to go.
Thanks for
your help my emotions are all mixed up in my head and I am sure it comes out in
writing. If you have any recommendations let me know. I’ve been to a therapist
but it’s usually a waste of time.
Take care,
I.
Dear I,
Sorry it
took me so long to answer your letter, but I was the target of sociopaths/narcissists at
work and it has been a difficult time for me.
Thank you
for writing and sharing your story. I am glad to hear my book is a helping witness
to you. I am so sorry you are in a very painful emotional prison. Your path to
liberation has to be well planned and be on the lookout for opportunities when
it’s the right time for you to make a move and leave your husband’s emotional
prison. Read all Alice Miller’s books to help you get strong emotionally and
get help in developing skills to help you find a job.
I too, like
you, went through most of my life feeling unwanted and this is an awful feeling
that no child should ever go through. It took me most of my life to heal this
wound. Of course, the neglect you suffered as a small child made you vulnerable
to being sexually abused by others. These words by Alice came to mind: “A small
girl will follow to the cellar the neighbour who promised her chocolate,
although she may feel uncomfortable. But if she learned from the beginning of
her life that her feelings didn’t matter and that she should obey every adult
person, even if she feels resistance, she will follow the neighbour. She will
behave like the Little Red Riding-Hood in the fairytale. And she may later
suffer in her relationship with men for her whole life if she didn’t work out
this early experience in the cellar. However, if she does, she will no longer
be in danger of becoming a victim of rape or any other kind of molestation.”
From the book “Free From Lies” page 234
somehow through most of my life I listen to my feelings and if I felt something
was not right I would plan my move and for the right moment to escape a bad
situation. Today the child in me is very
much loved by the adult in me and I will never allow anyone to abuse me in any
way again.
Feel free to
write me anytime.
Best wishes,
Sylvie
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