After Mother's Day

After mother's day here is an interesting article on parents whose misery may have destroyed the happiness of their children. A subject rarely talked if they commit something shocking majority just struggle to get through life as adults after miserable childhoods. Depressions, anxieties, panic attacks, anger bursts, and a host of other dysfunctions. Worth reading. Sylvie Imelda Shene might want to take note. Her book 'A Dance to Freedom' is relevant to the subject.
"The Debt: When terrible, abusive parents come crawling back, what do their grown children owe them?" By Emily Yoffe

Martine: Thank you very much Monica Chelagat for sharing! So true and comforting that more and more feeling human beings question the reality of their real childhood and don't fall for the forgiveness and 4th commandment BS imposed by religious beliefs. I always say that the opposite of Love is not Hate but Indifference. If you truly understand the dynamic of any relationship, starting with the relationship with your own self, the emotions and feelings are much clearer. To know that there are millions of us out there can be comforting but it also means that our society is extremely ill. Just like Sylvie, I have very little hope for Humanity.

Monica: It is amazing how simple the logic is but it is equally amazing the level of total lack of insight in many people to SEE this. I am a mother and like Alice Miller I did not give enough importance on the essentials of what a mother is, starting with leaving small children with people you do not know well like baby sitter, toxic relatives, toxic teachers. Of course, in the mix there are good people if one is lucky. There is a lot to be aware of apart from one's own blind spots as a parent. All you can do 'if the damage is done' is give them all the support by not hindering as adults to find their way into full consciousness of their own childhood. Understanding humanity is a fascinating subject even with all the pain in those who were unfortunate and suffered abuse and neglect but are struggling to resolve the consequences. Happy to read you Martine.

Sylvie Imelda Shene Very good article and comments! Thank you for sharing, Monica and Martine! Yes it's amazing how simple it is and it's amazing how difficult is for most people to find the courage to open their eyes to see and feel these fundamental truths! The repressed fear of the child they once were of the next beating by the parents can keep people stuck and sick forever. As I share the very truthful words by Alice Miller in my book A Dance to Freedom, page 126 and 127: "Alice Miller writes that “even smart people become stuck in confusion for years if the "healers’ demand from them the same as the parents did from the child: to stay blind, to forgive, to make amends, not to make troubles. The fear of the parents, stored up in the body, can make a person obedient and sick forever. I hope that you can overcome this fear by seeing through the hypocrisy of your helpers.”62 “It is a great mistake to imagine that one can resolve traumas in a symbolic fashion,” Alice Miller writes in The Drama of the Gifted Child. “If that were possible, poets, painters, and other artists would be able to resolve their pain through creativity. This is not the case, however. Creativity helps us channel the pain of trauma into symbolic acts; it doesn’t help us resolve it. If symbolic revenge for maltreatment received in childhood were effective, then dictators would eventually stop humiliating and torturing their fellow human beings. As long as they choose to deceive themselves about who really deserves their hatred, however, and as long as they go on feeding that hatred in symbolic form instead of experiencing and resolving it within the context of heir own childhood, their hunger for revenge will remain insatiable.”63

Sylvie: Monica, I always wonder what the pain might be like for a mother to realize that because of her blind spots caused by her own childhood traumas was not able to be the mother her children needed and how it has affected their childhood and adult lives. Your honesty in these words is very touching: "I am a mother and like Alice Miller I did not give enough importance on the essentials of what a mother is, starting with leaving small children with people you do not know well like baby sitter, toxic relatives, toxic teachers. Of course, in the mix there are good people if one is lucky. There is a lot to be aware of apart from one's own blind spots as a parent. All you can do 'if the damage is done' is give them all the support by not hindering as adults to find their way into full consciousness of their own childhood." I was wondering if you have read my blog The Pain of a Mother?

Monica: Thank you Sylvie on the above comment. It deserves an extensive response. In brief, as a mother your pains are multiple, your children's and your own. The former prevails. You learn to forgive yourself because you realise you were unconcious when you made the mistakes but do not expect your children to forgive you if they have not resolved. They might reach acceptance of their situations and progressively heal usually forgiveness is a consequence of resolution then may get closer as they realise you are doing your best to 'make up' and were not harmed out of deliberate neglect for example if one had to work or simply ignorant at the time. They freely and safely express their anger or what they think no matter how unpleasant. The process can be very tough it requires rnergy and patience. Communication is genuine. Blocks may persist but as time passes they reduce. Overall the quality of relating is pretty relaxed too and enjoy good relationship. It is also sad to know that things will never be as if nothing happened. You mourn and get on but at least one is realbin pain and happiness. No psychiatrist or psychologist can the job better than yourself. More soon and ha a good day! 

Sylvie Imelda Shene: Monica, thank you for sharing about your experience. I am so glad for you that you have found forgiveness for yourself and at the same time allowed room for your children to express their true feelings and never demand from them to forgive you that is something that happens natural after people consciously feel and express their true feelings within the context of their own childhood. So happy for you that you and your children are on the road to healing with an honest open genuine communication. Sadly this was not the case for Alice Miller and most people. Alice Miller too was able to find forgiveness for herself and no matter how hard she tried to have an open honest genuine communication with her adult son, he never allowed it because he was lost in the maze of psychoanalysis that cements and strengths the walls of our emotional prisons of instead demolishing them, so an open honest genuine communication is possible and he never found the road to true liberation and compassion for himself and his mother.

You might like reading my blog The Courage of Alice Miller Was Astonishing

 Eli: Thank you for sharing this article. It is very relevant to my own life and some of the issues I have been dealing with recently regarding my father. It is not a subject that I really am able to talk about with others, which can be very isolating and stressful. It seems there are very few people who have this dilemma, or at least people don't really discuss it. Therefore it has been of comfort to me to know I am not the only one going through this type of difficulty and given me a better idea about the decisions I have made and the decisions I should make in the future in order to protect my own mental health and well being. Regarding your comments Sylvie Imelda Shene, about carrying ones own problems onto the next generation, I think you are right and it does happen. While I have tried my utmost to break the cycle of bad parenting, which I have managed a good deal of success,however there are still minor things which I regret and which I know are a direct result of my own upbringing. I have discussed these things and apologised to my children for not being able to be the perfect parent I really wish I was and they have responded with affection and support. I do, however, think it takes more than one or two generations before the effects of trauma can be wiped out of a family. I guess the most important thing we can do for our children is to do our absolute best for them with the knowledge, skills and abilities we have, but we also to be honest about our own failings, in order to educate and support them, if they ever raise a family of their own. At least it is blessing now that we have the internet and therefore access to knowledge and support. The more awareness we have the better. So I thank all those who are brave, knowledgeable and kind enough to share it.

Sylvie Imelda Shene Eli, thank you for your honest comment. The key word is honesty. Tell children the truth and when you realize you made a mistake and done your child wrong apologize and give them the time, space and freedom to express their true feelings no matter how hard it is for you.
In the link below is the preface of the book Free from Lies by Alice Miller with the title “Telling Children the Truth”. I am still working on the Portuguese translation and I will have soon the English version available on my website also. I know you know Spanish so here is the Spanish translation!

Read more here and here

Also read Alice Miller's answer to her reader in her website