https://www.gottman.com/?s=emotional+intelligence
Sylvie Imelda Shene Yes, I agree it starts with ourselves. Facing our own history and resolving our own repression.,.. unfortunately most people out there go out into the world preaching to others and wanting to change the world without looking in the mirror and facing themselves first -- it doesn't work -- and this is why nothing ever really changes in the long term, because no matter what we do without changing ourselves first --- the changes will just be temporary and superficial -- and this is why most people in power positions and in the health care field feel threaten by my story and book and pretend don't see me, because my book exposes the fraud that they are.
I'm so sorry you have been the scapegoat or poisonous container for T's repression. I could feel his repressed hate being transferred into all women... and that you probably are his trigger and therefore you get the biggest dose of his poison. One thing I have learned is that most people are very good with intellectual knowledge, but very few are able to understand and consciously feel their feelings within the context of their childhood without making others their scapegoat or poisonous container.
No one should feel unsafe in their own home. These words Alice Miller wrote to me come truer every day: "I have learned over the years of my work on the internet that there are readers who SEEM to understand SOME of what I have written, at least intellectually, but they are still so afraid of their very cruel parents and of their repressed FEELINGS of rage towards them that they are constantly looking for scapegoats.
They thus live in a continual confusion pretending that they are healed and even offering help and empathy to others. But eventually they use unconsciously other people (even the ones who are quite friendly to them) as a poisonous container like their parents did to them, and if the offended people begin to defend themselves they can become very mean.
I can only urge you to trust your feelings and to NOT offer your empathy and interest to everybody just because they say they read and understood everything I have written. In most of the cases it is a lie. To understand my books means to overcome the fear of one’s parents, to honestly feel the justified rage TOWARD THEM and to no longer use others to getting free from the accumulated rage." Read more HERE
I'm sorry you're going through this painful reenactment. If this person doesn't take responsibility for his own repression --- and you have come to symbolize his mother -- and blames you for everything and is using you as substitute figure to make you pay for the wrongs done to him -- by his own mother or childhood caregivers when he was a defenseless little boy and infant --- you might have to cut all your losses and walk away --- I know it's not easy -- but not any amount of money, anything or anyone is worth losing our sanity or freedom for. I'm not on my computer and it's not easy for me to write on my phone. Take good care and stay safe.
I just found this quote by Leo Tolstoy “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” This is the problem with our world. No one wants to look in the mirror and face themselves. This quote by Alice Miller that I included in my book, page 76 comes to mind: “To many people, it seems easier to take medication, to smoke, drink alcohol, preach, educate or treat others, and prepare wars than expose themselves to their own painful truth.”42
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