This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
It's all about control. They have the illusion that if they control everything and everyone around them, they will not have to face their fears of being alone to feel the repressed painful emotions of the child they once were.
But money alone, power, and control just buy them some time, eventually, something will trigger them, and it will erupt like a volcano, especially when they are old and fragile. Old age is the perfect trigger to bring to the surface all that they have been repressing throughout their lifetime.
Learning to let go and walking away from anyone who lacks the courage to face their fears of resolving childhood repression is the only way to be free and stay free.
How to sidestep narcissistic manipulation and gaslighting.
Narcissistic people use a range of covert and overt tactics to manipulate others.
As you read through the following list of eight devious tactics, you may wish to think of a narcissist in your life and identify if any of these tactics may have been used on you.
Projecting
Narcissists have a habit of accusing others of doing what, in fact, the narcissist is doing. For example:
Narcissists who frequently lie will accuse you of being untrustworthy.
Unreliable narcissists will claim that you are undependable and have let them down.
Rageful narcissists will say that you’re the one who needs anger management.
Narcissists tend to be unaware of such hypocrisies. They accuse in an instant, and then become convinced of their accusations. Projecting allows them to avoid responsibility for their dysfunctional behavior while putting others on the defensive.
Click on the link below to read all the 8 insidious ways narcissists try to control you
No, I would not swap places with them or anyone else for that matter! I'm very happy with the little I have accomplished all by myself. I'm free and that's all I ever wanted.
AI can create a digital copy of a person's voice, a process known as AI voice cloning:
How it works
AI voice cloning uses deep learning algorithms to analyze and imitate human speech. The process involves recording a person's voice, training a model on that data, and then using the model to generate synthetic speech.
Uses
AI voice cloning has many applications, including text-to-speech systems, virtual assistants, chatbots, entertainment, and assistive technology.
Customization
AI voices can be customized based on a person's gender, age, accent, and other emotional characteristics.
narcissist's grandiose fantasies being at odds with their reality
Toxic shame: A state of being where shame
becomes a core part of a person's identity
Shame-based lives: Many narcissists live
their lives in a state of shame, but they won't admit it
Shame can be a helpful emotion that helps people adhere to societal norms. However, when shame becomes toxic, it can lead to psychological issues.
Toxic shame can be created when a child is forced to adapt to a narcissistic parent's needs, and is not allowed to be their own person. This can lead to a child internalizing shame, which can become a baseline for how they function.
Some ways that shame can create a narcissist include:
It's easier to have a mask
It can be easier for someone to have a grandiose mask than to face their inner turmoil.
Looking down on others
Narcissists can look down on others so they don't have to imagine anything wrong with themselves.
"...when shame becomes a state of being that it becomes toxic.
The narcissistic parent will tactfully shame others so that they will put the narcissist first and obey the narcissist’s every demand to avoid more shame."
Narcissists base your character on the way you react to their abuse. If you fight back then you are abusive. If you do what they did to you, you are vindictive. If you show them the way they have been treating you, then you are petty and childish. The only reaction a Narcissist wants is blind acceptance. They could say and do whatever they want, and you have to let them without any opposition. If you don't react the way that they want, then you are the cause and the reason for the conflict.
Narcissists are like toddlers trapped in an adult body.
This is why they have so many tantrums and behave like children.
The narcissist has trained the entire family, by example, how to treat you. Once you have been labelled as the bad one, you are fair game for siblings, spouses, children, relatives, even family friends to pick on.
A narcissist will neglect their partners, friends and children in multiple ways but gladly help a coworker, neighbor, or stranger. Why? Because it's all about their image and getting praise from others. They save their abusive behavior for behind closed doors or when they are no witnesses.
Yes, it's the public that sucks. Until society involves we will just have two choices to choose from: pure evil and the lesser evil. So until then I will keep voting for the lesser evil.
Totally off topic! Has nothing to do with narcissism! Just enteristing to know from where these American's sayings come from!
It doesn't matter because it is what it is. But I added to my blog I'm NOT a Therapist that the people going around saying I was playing therapist. I never chased anyone, they were the ones chasing me and following me around that I could not have a minute to myself. I couldn't wait to come back to the United States so I could have time for myself again.
One was always dropping her 3-year-old son with me because she couldn't handle taking care of her own child.
Now I realize they were not following me around because they wanted to learn from me and grow as human beings but were just using me. And to collect data they could use one day as tools of manipulation and control to give them an advantage in the games people play.
I told them many times that I was allowing them to use me to distract themselves from themselves but one day I would not let them use me anymore. That day has arrived and now they are mad at me and doing everything to discredit me so they can pretend to be superior walking around wearing my skin to fool people but time always reveals who is real and who is fake pretending to be someone they are not.
I saved her 4-year-old son's psyche enough for now as an adult to make threats against me to suppress the truth, facts, and evidence from himself and others. His mother who abandoned him physically and emotionally when he was a defenseless little child is protected from his unresolved repressed hatred and is directing his hatred towards me instead. It's sad but it is what it is.
They say, "Misery loves Company" Well I say, "Narcissists love to bring happy people down." What BETTER type of power trip to a narcissist's ego than to take a naturally happy person and by their own "amazing abilities" turn them into a shell of their former selves while walking off "wearing their skin"? You know that they WANT to see you laying on the sidewalk, crying out in pain because you're "nothing" without them; just as they told you (or insinuated many times). ~ANA (After Narcissistic Abuse)
Narcissists use guilt to control you, especially when you finally take care of yourself or assert your needs. They make you feel guilty for putting yourself first, expecting their respect, or valuing yourself and even blame you for abandoning them. They have abandoned you emotionally, mentally, and physically for most of the relationship. They have treated you poorly throughout, and then, somehow find a way to blame you. Don't fall for it. This is just another gaslighting technique.
Narcissists feel empty on the inside and try to fill that emptiness with stuff. Psychologists say that narcissists like nice things for appearance's sake, but the need is deeper than that. People who have a robust sense of self should be less likely to be materialistic or hoarding.
Narcissists can feel empty by themselves:
Lack of self-awareness
Narcissists may not have a sense of self or self-awareness and may feel like they need constant mirroring from others.
Childhood exploitation
Narcissists may have been treated as an objects in childhood, which can lead to a disconnect from emotional authenticity.
Self-hatred
Research suggests that narcissists may not love themselves, but rather may be driven by self-hatred.
Here are some other things to know about narcissists:
Grandiose sense of self
Narcissists may believe they are unique or special, and may only want to associate with other high-status people.
Defenses
Narcissists may use defenses like repression, denial, distortion, rationalization, and lies to discharge painful feelings.
Narcissistic collapse
When a narcissist's image is threatened, they may become enraged and lash out impulsively. This is a way for them to re-establish control.
It breaks my heart when a person departs this world prematurely.
Another example that money alone, talent and fame doesn't save people from their emotional prisons.
A tragic end. If i had not become my own enlightened witness with the help of Alice Miller’s books and website and liberated the wounded little girl within me from the emotional prison of my childhood. I too could have a similar tragic end and i would not had passed my thirties. I feel so fortunate. When you are emotionally free life is worth living and you don't need a lot of money to enjoy it.
"An upbringing that succeeds in sparing the parents at the expense of the child's vitality sometimes leads to suicide or extreme drug addiction, which is a form of suicide. If drugs succeed in covering up the emptiness caused by repressed feelings and self-alienation, then the process of withdrawal brings this void back into view. When withdrawal is not accompanied by restoration of vitality, then the cure is sure to be temporary. Christiane F., subject of an international bestseller and film, paints a devastatingly vivid picture of a tragedy of this nature." Alice Miller
"It is a great mistake to imagine that one can resolve traumas in a symbolic fashion. If that were possible, poets, painters, and other artists would be able to resolve their pain through creativity. This is not the case, however. Creativity helps us channel the pain of trauma into symbolic acts; it doesn't help us resolve it. If symbolic revenge for maltreatment received in childhood were effective, then dictators would eventually stop humiliating and torturing their fellow human beings. As long as they choose to deceive themselves about who really deserves their hatred, however, and as long as they go on feeding that hatred in symbolic form instead of experiencing and resolving it within the context of their own childhood, their hunger for revenge will remain insatiable (see Miller 1990a).” read more here
This blog is to debunk the lie of some saying I went to Portugal playing the role of a therapist.
First of all, therapists get paid good money! I never charged anyone! I shared freely my time and the information that was helpful to me.
Time that I will never get back. Time to me is the most valued thing on this planet!
I can't force anyone to open their eyes to see and feel their painful emotions within the context of their childhoods. I have learned to walk away from anyone who lacks the courage to open their eyes to see and feel, family or not family.
I also should add that the people going around saying I was playing therapist. I never chased anyone, they were the ones chasing me and following me around that I could not have a minute to myself.
I couldn't wait to come back to the United States so I could have time for myself again. One was always dropping her 3-year-old with me because she couldn't handle taking care of her own small child.
Now I realize they were not following me around because they wanted to learn from me and grow as human beings but were just using me. And to collect data they could use one day as tools of manipulation and control to give them an advantage in the games people play.
I told them many times that I was allowing them to use me to distract themselves from themselves but one day I would not let them use me anymore. That day has arrived and now they are mad at me and doing everything to discredit me so they can pretend to be superior walking around wearing my skin to fool people but time always reveals who is real and who is fake pretending to be someone they are not.
I saved her 4-year-old son's psyche enough for now as an adult to make threats against me to suppress the truth, facts, and evidence from himself and others. His mother who abandoned him physically and emotionally when he was a defenseless little child is protected from his unresolved repressed hatred and is directing his hatred towards me instead. It's sad but it is what it is.
They say, "Misery loves Company" Well I say, "Narcissists love to bring happy people down." What BETTER type of power trip to a narcissist's ego than to take a naturally happy person and by their own "amazing abilities" turn them into a shell of their former selves while walking off "wearing their skin"? You know that they WANT to see you laying on the sidewalk, crying out in pain because you're "nothing" without them; just as they told you (or insinuated many times). ~ANA (After Narcissistic Abuse)
I made it very clear in the introduction of my book on pages 15 and 16 that I didn't want to be a therapist to anyone as you can read below:
"This is why all of us need a path — or a dance, if you will —
to freedom. Once you explore your truth, incredible things
can start to happen. Chronic symptoms, mental as well as
physical, can start to disappear. As Alice Miller writes, we
can “claim health, clarity, and independence for ourselves.
Claim them, and maintain them. Only thus can we keep our
feet on firm ground, and not be dependent on drugs, gurus,
groups, or theories that teach us how to change our past.”5
The dirty little secret is that we can’t change the things
that happened to us. But we can find the courage to face
them, mourn our past, and move forward. If a person like
me — with no formal education or special talents — can do it, then you can, too.
This book, along with all or any of Alice
Miller’s books, can be an enlightened witness that helps you
with your own dance to freedom.
When I started corresponding with Alice Miller in the
last years of her life, I told her that I wanted to help her
spread the word about her discoveries. No one who wants
the truth should have to wait as long as I did. And that’s why
I wrote this book.
It’s both a tribute to Alice Miller and a
guide to her ideas. I’m not a therapist, and I don’t want to be
anyone’s therapist. But I do want to help people as a friend
would, by sharing my experiences and explaining how Alice
Miller helped me heal when everything else failed.
If you struggle with anger, resentment, depression,
addiction, disease or a bad relationship, Alice Miller can help
you gain what you missed as a child — “truthfulness, clarity, and respect for yourself and others.”6
I’ve done a lot of the
legwork for you, and if you can learn from my story you can
avoid many of the mistakes I made during my own dance to
freedom.
You can find your freedom a lot sooner than I did.
It’s time to liberate yourself from the victim role you fell
into as a child when you lacked the resources you needed to
take care of yourself and stand up to your oppressors. I’m
living proof that Alice Miller’s ideas work. And I’m happy to
share my dance to freedom with you in the hope that it
inspires you to start your own."
If you think talking to a licensed therapist can be helpful to you, to help you develop the courage to stay still to consciously feel your painful emotions within the context of your childhood -- to stop focusing on the people around you -- and instead put the focus on yourself -- and stop using scapegoats to temporarily and superficially alleviate your childhood repression read Alice Miller's article in the link below on how to find the right therapist.
Hypocrisy is the narcissist's middle name. What they say and do when no one is watching, is drastically different from what they say and do in the presence of others. Since they are all about maintaining their false persona, they use projection to rid the unwanted traits in their character by magically disowning the parts of themselves that reflect negatively on their personas and accusing you of the exact things they're guilty of doing.
Divorce is ok.
Breaking up is ok.
Starting over is ok.
Moving on is ok.
Saying no is ok.
Being alone is ok.
What is not ok is staying somewhere that you aren't happy, valued or appreciated,
That is not ok.
Interesting thoughts
A narcissist doesn't want to discuss their actions. They want to provoke your reactions so they can use your reactions as distractions from their actions.
When i hear someone saying is an empath i walk away as soon as possible.
I can testify that most Portuguese people are not open to change. Portugal is a country full of deep-seated dark secrets. I was born there and left when I was 22 years old in 1981, and I have no desire to go back. I have lived in Scottsdale, Arizona, for about 40 years and love it here.
It's very sad. There's no doubt this girl is exploiting Liam Payne to advance herself.
I wish he had developed two health legs to stand alone and was emotionally strong enough to shake it off and go on with his life.
I published a book sharing my life experiences and psychological discoveries after a painful breakup. I wonder if he would have been able to save himself if he had found my book, just like Alice Miller’s books saved my life.
“Suicide is always the consequence of denied suffering in childhood, as is depression. I have written an article about depression, which you can read on my website. There I refer to many examples of very successful stars, such as Dalida for instance, the famous Egyptian singer, who in their lives got everything they wanted and were admired and famous. But in the middle of their lives, they became depressive, and many committed suicide. In all these cases it was not the present that made them suffer, it was the denied traumas of their childhood that made them feel miserable because they were never consciously acknowledged. The body was left alone with its knowledge.”
The body never lies, It sticks to the facts. “Inability to face up to the suffering undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature. But ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of hurtful parenting” by Alice Miller
Another truthful quote by Alice Miller comes to mind: “Children who have been beaten, humiliated, and abused, and who find no witness to come to their aid often develop a grave syndrome in later life: they have no knowledge of their true feelings, fear them like the plague, and are therefore incapable of recognizing vital connections.” — Alice Miller
“Many world-famous stars who are envied and idolized are in fact profoundly lonely people. As the example of Dalida indicates, they were misunderstood precisely because they could not understand themselves. And they were not able to understand themselves because their environment responded to them with admiration rather than understanding. Finally, they took their own lives. This vortex tells us a lot about the mechanisms of depression. People seek understanding by pinning their hopes to success, they take endless trouble to achieve such success and to arouse the admiration of an ever-larger audience. But this admiration cannot provide any real sustenance as long as understanding is absent. Despite the success they have made of their careers, life is meaningless because they remain strangers to themselves. And this self-alienation persists because they want to completely forget what happened to them in their early lives and to deny the sufferings of childhood. As this is the way society functions, these stars were bound to remain misunderstood and suffered the torments of chronic loneliness.
The categorical denial of the pain we suffered at the beginning of our lives is harmful in the extreme. Suppose someone setting out on a long walk sprains an ankle right at the outset. That person may decide to ignore the pain and to soldier on because he/she has been looking forward to the outing, but sooner or later others will notice that they are limping and will ask what has happened. When they hear the whole story they will understand why this person is limping and advise him/her to go for treatment. But in connection with the sufferings of childhood, which play a similar role in our lives to a sprained ankle at the beginning of a long hike, then things are different. Those sufferings cannot be "played down," they will leave their mark on the whole enterprise. The crucial difference, in this case, is that normally no one will take any notice. The whole of society is, as it were, in unison with the sufferer, who cannot say what has happened. It may well be that, despite the violation of their integrity, people who have been injured in this way really have no memories. If they have to spend their whole lives with people who play down the traumas of childhood, then they have no choice but to connive in this self-delusion. Their lives will progress in much the same way as the outing of the hiker who has sprained his ankle but pretends that nothing has happened. Should they, however, encounter people who know about the long-term effects of childhood traumas, then they will have the chance to abandon their denial and good prospects of healing the wounds they have been carrying around with them.
Most people are not so fortunate. The celebrities among them are surrounded by hosts of unsuspecting admirers, none of whom recognize the distress afflicting the stars they idolize. This is in fact the last thing they want to know about. Examples are legion. We may recall the fate of the enchanting Marilyn Monroe, who was put in a home by her mother, was raped at the age of nine, and was sexually harassed by her stepfather when she returned to her family. Right to the end she trusted in her charm, and finally, she was killed by depression and drugs.”
Unresolved childhood traumas combined together with present traumatic experiences is a recipe for a tragedy.
This is the root cause of most of the tragedies we witness in our world.
Doing our emotional work and healing ourselves is the most important work we can do on this planet, and if we do this, it's a lot! It will help make the world a better place!
Humanity everywhere is a cesspool and eruptions can happen anywhere, its not just in Hollywood.
Most people in Hollywood are more concerned about their careers than speaking up and challenging the status quo, that's why the cesspool took so long to erupt.
That's why the wall of silence is hard to break everywhere. Where everyone is just kissing each other's a$$ the cesspool grows larger and larger and sooner or later in one form or another an eruption is inevitable.
I wonder how much longer until the wall of silence surrounding the prestigious Dr. Julio Machado Vaz in Portugal breaks. Portugal is a country of deep seated secrets it might take another 100 years to break the wall of silence.
A narcissistic collapse is an emotional breakdown that can occur when someone with narcissistic personality disorder feels their reputation is threatened. This can happen when they experience public criticism or a lack of admiration, which can damage their ego.
Some signs of a narcissistic collapse include:
Angry outbursts
Irritability or defensiveness
Verbal or physical aggression
Feelings of rejection or abandonment (adults are never abandoned -- adults are left -- only children and animals are abandoned)
Depression
Withdrawal
People with NPD can experience what is known as narcissistic collapse when their self-esteem is threatened or damaged. This can cause several reactions, including withdrawal, emotional outbursts, and aggression.
In a narcissistic collapse, they feel extremely anxious, depressed, ashamed, and may be unable to keep functioning.
The person experiencing narcissistic collapse tends to feel alone and abandoned and may lash out at those closest to them during this time.
When a narcissist can no longer control you, they go all out to control what others think of you.
A Narcissistic Collapse occurs when the Narcissist can no longer maintain the complex and extensive web of deceit and betrayal spun around the supply sources and everyone else for that matter. The walls of the castle come crumbling down so to say, and the Narcissist is left exposed to those he/she has been using all along as well as friends and other onlookers. The mask falls off and all of the victims begin to wake up and realize it was all a game and begin to back away, leaving the Narcissist to his/her own devices, exposed, extremely depressed and often alone with no, or very poor quality supply sources to feed off of. They will very likely begin to suffer from panic attacks, anxiety and deep depression. This is basically Rock Bottom for the Narcissist.
How do you stay No Contact with a Narcissist? You realize this demon is just going to waste your time and your life away. Value your time cause you'll Never get that time back. Stay No Contact.
Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate others in order to maintain power and control over them. One common tactic they use is playing the victim card, portraying themselves as the poor, abused individual who is constantly being persecuted by others. This tactic serves to garner sympathy and support from those around them, making it easier for them to continue their manipulative behaviour unchecked.
At the same time, narcissists will embark on a smear campaign against anyone who dares to stand up to them or challenge their behaviour.
They will spread lies and rumours about their perceived enemies in order to discredit them and turn others against them. By painting these individuals in a negative light, the narcissist is able to deflect attention away from their own toxic actions and shift the blame onto someone else. In this way, narcissists are able to maintain a sense of superiority and control over their relationships and interactions with others. By manipulating the narrative and painting themselves as the ultimate victim, they are able to continue their destructive behaviour without facing any consequences.
A narcissist will try to destroy your life with lies because theirs can be destroyed with the truth.
Why were you blindsided by the Narcissist? Because you actually believed they cared. They put on an academy award performance and fooled you.
The narcissist parent has no conscience and no feelings for others, especially their own children. The only thing that matters is their own selfish ego: coercing, manipulating, causing chaos, and damaging lives everywhere they go.
Very true.
Could not said better myself. So very true.
If they have grown into full-blown blown malignant narcissists, they will never develop a mature conscious adult that will stand by your side. They are always working hard to be on top of everyone and feel superior, to them life is a big competition, and they always have to be better than those around them and this is why they only surround themselves with people who seem to be inferior to them and are easily manipulated and controlled.
You can be assured I will never let another narcissist into my life again, family or not family...
Appearing shy: Instead of using loud behaviors to attract attention, a vulnerable narcissist often prefers smaller, more intimate conversations where they intentionally control how the interaction plays out.
More sensitive to criticism: Because the root of NPD is insecurity, they are hypersensitive to criticism and will usually have an extreme reaction to criticism or perceived criticism.
Higher levels of anxiety: Vulnerable narcissists typically have lower self-esteem than grandiose narcissists and will frequently focus on consciously compensating for their insecurities more.
Self-serving empathy: A vulnerable narcissist may outwardly show what looks like empathy. However, they may completely disconnect after receiving attention or use shared information against a person.
Inflated sense of self-importance: A vulnerable narcissist may make comments on their superiority in one-on-one settings or just to themselves internally. They may also display their feelings of importance with subtle actions like eye rolls or yawning when another person talks.
Excessive need for admiration: Like typical narcissists, vulnerable narcissists need to fill their narcissistic supply. To receive attention, they may share emotional turmoils to get pity and sympathy or withdraw from a situation to be chased by another person.
The compassionate narcissist often instigates conflict, and when confronted, they quickly shift into the role of the victim. They manipulate the situation to gain sympathy, enlisting their "flying monkeys"-those who enable or support their behaviour-to turn against you and launch an attack.
People walking around with unresolved repressed hatred are unconscious and compulsively looking for scapegoats to transfer their disowned hatred and that's why they are haters that are going to hate, hate, hate. --- and I too when haters try to transfer into me their unresolved repressed hatred I just shake it off!
About Transference
Tuesday October 14, 2008
At the beginning of our lives, we were, as very small children, totally dependent on our parents. And we believed, we HAD TO believe, that we were loved by them. Even when we were abused we couldn’t realize this. Then, after 4 years, we grew up and couldn’t avoid suffering from being rejected, hated, and treated cruelly. But as dependent children, we still could not afford to FEEL this suffering, we were too small to deal with these feelings, and thus we had to repress our rage, indignation, and our deep disappointment into our bodies. When we become adults, these repressed feelings stemming from the cruel treatment of our parents may come to the surface, but they are still connected with the small child’s fear of being punished for every sign of rebellion.
Should we as adults be treated in the same way as our parents treated us as children, many of us – especially if we have been through therapy – can become aware of the cruelty endured before. But the knowledge of the whole amount of cruelty can still rest repressed because the terror happened when we had not yet a name for it. For this reason, we need what we call “the transference”, hating, for instance, another person instead of our mother or father.
The transference is unavoidable if we were once abused children. It can also be highly confusing. But it can be liberating as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life. If we have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the eyes, and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the misleading, confusing, and defensive role of the transference disappears. We can then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what consequences their abuse might have on our lives. They acted like robots, directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection whatsoever.
If we don’t want to become like them we must strive to SEE them as exactly as possible. We can use in this way the transference as a means for discovering the feelings of the small child that we once were and to deepen our understanding for him or her. At this moment the transference becomes our guide that will enable the small child in us to BELIEVE what their body KNEW its whole life but his mind could never believe: that so much evil and hatred can be directed towards a small, innocent child only because the parents have endured the same and have never questioned this.
Translation of the words "I don't agree with you." I am a person who sticks to the facts and evidence, so when someone says to me: "I don't agree with you" it means that the person can’t handle facing the facts and evidence at the moment. Life is too short to waste hitting my head against walls! If necessary, I have learned to walk away from anyone who lacks the courage to open their eyes to see and feel. Free at last!
Narcissists often use threats as a way to control and manipulate others:
To get their way -- Narcissists may threaten to make others do what they want. They may believe that if someone doesn't agree with them, it's a personal attack on their self-esteem.
To keep people at a distance -- Narcissists may use threats to keep people away when they feel overwhelmed or at risk of narcissistic injury.
To get an emotional reaction -- Narcissists may use threats to get an emotional reaction from others, which can make them feel powerful.
Some examples of threats that narcissists may make include:
"If you leave, I'll ruin your life"
"You'll regret it if you ever cross me"
"You'll be sorry if you do that"
"Just you wait till you want something from me"
"Don't think you can get away with that"
Narcissists may also use other tactics to manipulate others, such as flattery and compliments.
The primary coping mechanism the narcissist relies on is to discharge unhappy feelings onto a target.
The false self is a psychological defense mechanism that can develop in response to environmental failures, particularly in early childhood. It can arise when a child's emotional needs are not consistently met by their primary caregiver.
A clear self-definition doesn't develop. Instead, the authentic, spontaneous self gets repressed in order to survive and make room for the needs of others. This becomes the basis for the mask of the false self. The conclusion often becomes "I am here to meet the needs and expectations of others, the mother of mother substitute." It can lead to a person feeling empty and lacking spontaneity and can manifest in a variety of dysfunctional behaviors.
The false self is the mask presented to the world acting as if personality, It stands in contrast to the true self, which resides behind the facade or image. This true self is the feeling self, but for the narcissist, the feeling self must be hidden and denied.
The false self is a psychological construct that is a defensive facade that a person creates to protect them from facing painful truths. It can also be referred to as a fake self, idealized self, superficial self, or pseudo-self.
The false self can develop when a child's primary caregiver doesn't consistently meet their emotional needs. This can happen during early childhood and can lead to the child creating a false self to cope with the neglect or inconsistency.
Some characteristics of the false self include:
Overcompensating
Deflecting and distracting others
Hiding sin and shame
Being ego driven
Being self-serving
Being defensive
Being full of pride
In contrast, the true self is a sense of self that is based on authentic experience and a feeling of being alive. It can also be referred to as the real self, authentic self, original self, or vulnerable self.
These people as adults can grow into full-blown malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths becoming the classic case Dr. Alice Miller describes beautifully in her book The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self.
People who set unrealistic goals for themselves, and may feel like they never quite get there. They may also experience negative self-image, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome.
Overachieving can lead to a number of negative consequences, including:
Mental health issues: Overachievers may experience increased stress, anxiety, and depression.
Unhealthy behaviors: Overachievers may engage in unethical or risky behaviors to reach their goals.
Career issues: Overachievers may drive themselves and others to a high standard, which can lead to disappointment and hurt their career growth.
Therapy and self-reflection can help overachievers break free from their compulsive behaviors and learn healthier ways to cope with the pressures of overachieving.
Ultimately, overachieving acts as a temporary band-aid. Just like any coping mechanism, it protects you from dealing with difficult emotions festering underneath: fear of failure, disapproval, looking weak, or the future. feelings of worthlessness: I'm not good enough unless I do XYZ.
If you overwork yourself or feel the need to constantly be busy, it may be a trauma response. Key takeaways: Edward Khantzian developed the self-medication model of addiction and the idea that addiction comes from the “inability to tolerate one's feelings.”
And consciously feel their fears and painful feelings within the context of their own childhood
Anger only becomes dangerous when it is repressed or unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats. As Alice Miller wrote in her article What is Hatred? "I too believe that hatred can poison the organism, but only as long as it is unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats. When that happens, hatred cannot be resolved. Suppose, for example, that I hate a specific ethnic group but have never allowed myself to realize how my parents treated me when I was a child, how they left me crying for hours in my cot when I was a baby, how they never gave me so much as a loving glance. If that is the case, then I will suffer from a latent form of hatred that can pursue me throughout my whole life and cause all kinds of physical symptoms. But if I know what my parents did to me in their ignorance and have a conscious awareness of my indignation at their behavior, then I have no need to re-direct my hatred at other persons. In the course of time, my hatred for my parents may weaken, or it may resolve itself temporarily, only to flare up again as a result of events in the present or new memories. But I know what this hatred is all about. Thanks to the feelings I have actively experienced, I now know myself well enough, AND I HAVE NO COMPULSION TO KILL OR HARM ANYONE BECAUSE OF MY FEELINGS OF HATRED."
The real problem in our society is childhood repression. People of all races are unconscious and compulsively looking for scapegoats to take revenge for the wrongs done to them when they were defenseless little children. You have to be constantly on the lookout no matter who you interact with, and race has nothing to do with it. Of course, over the years minority groups have been easy targets to turn into scapegoats for those in power positions.
"If the repression stays unresolved, the parents’ childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 23
From my book A Dance to Freedom page 80: "When we admire people for who they are, instead of for
what they have or accomplish, we will have a better society —
or at least a more honest one. Those who define themselves
by their victories and professional status are on shaky
ground, because these things aren’t sustainable. But, as Alice
Miller says, this modus operandi fits “the life of millions of
people, brilliant, unconscious, running for the gold … and
never feeling their sadness or rage about their parents who
couldn’t love them as they were.” She goes on to say that we
can only lose our symptoms once we become free of wanting
to either understand our parents or wanting to help them.43
AM: I am very moved by your letter, by your clarity, your determination to live with your fate in a conscious way, to see your truth as clearly as possible, and to overcome so the illusions and the confusions your parents inflicted on you. Readers who know your story from April 08 will doubtlessly be encouraged to overcome their fear and to face their own truth. You no longer need to write a philosophical thesis to “show” your existence because you DO exist, since you became a feeling person. This helped you to understand more about your life and life in general than writing a thesis. So many authors of different thesis remain empty inside and actually ignorant because they are afraid of their strong feelings and their history. I am happy that my books were “speaking to you”, as you write, but you were also able to listen to them and ACT in your best interest by embracing the little boy who suffered so much from the beginning of his life. In the relation with him you can’t lose the right direction, even if you make mistakes or steps back, this is absolutely normal. I wish you BOTH the best time on your road to your liberty after so much pain and injustice:
AM: You are writing: “I hope to find a helping witness and that I will get strong enough to leave the people who only hurt me”. This sentence shows that you understand what you are doing and THUS are able to change. This happens seldom at your age so I hope too that you will succeed. It takes time to SEE and to BELIEVE that your parents were dangerous indeed. But it is exactly this insight that will make you free to choose the right partner who deserves you and not fall in love with a cold, dishonest, and stupid guy. Only in childhood, you were forbidden to SEE, you were forced to stay blind. Now, as an intelligent woman, you can use your feelings and your mind to make your judgment. If you are looking for a therapist open the page “Articles” and read the first two messages.
