This picture brought to mind these answers
Alice Miller gave to her readers: AM: A tantrum shows the
deepest despair and helplessness which a child is not able to express with
words. An empathic adult will try to remember what happened right before it, in
oder to UNDERSTAND what drove this child just now into despair, and to let
him/her know about it with empathy. That can help the child to understand
himself. But never should a child be punished for his despair. Such stupid,
cruel advices show, why children cannot express themselves other than through a
tantrum. Let us assume that your friend is coming to you and is sobbing,
without being able to tell you, why. Would you lock her up in a room as
punishment so that she will stop? Such advice though is given to parents when
children are at stake.
http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail_en.php?lang=en&nid=1754&grp=0108
http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail_en.php?lang=en&nid=1754&grp=0108
AM: You write: I come from a background of
mostly emotional abuse and rejection (only a little slapping, spanking etc have
been done to me). Then you write a long letter that shows your dispair caused
by your child but besides the sentence above you NEVER mention HOW you suffered
from the LITTLE SLAPPING, SPANKING etc when YOU were a child. Only in the PS
you mention "by the way" your parents. Eventually you ask me to write
a book for you so that you can teach your child to behave. But in all of my
books you can find the information you actually do need: Your child triggers in
you the old pain, caused by your parents that you obviously fear to feel in
spite of your long therapies, which gave you probably only the intellectual
knowledge. Otherwise you would know that "the time out" is a cruel
way of refusing contact, even if it may be recommended by a Waldorf school and
by many ignorant authors. When a child behaves in a way that you judge as nasty
he is suffering. Instead of finding out why he suffers you send him away. Would
you do this also to a good friend ? But you can't find out what makes him
suffering as long as you don't know what made YOU suffer as a child. Your own
old pain seems to remain still denied or dissociated and it is THEREFORE
blocking your empathy for your child. You may want to read my book Free From
Lies coming out in June 09 at Norton, NW. But it is NOT about
"discipline", not at all.
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