One More Birthday

"You can't heal the people you love. You can't make choices for them. You can't rescue them.

You can promise that they won't journey alone. You can loan them your map. But this trip is theirs." Laura Jean Truman

Dear M,

Soon you have another birthday! 

I wish you a Happy and Peaceful birthday as much as possible. 

I wish things were different and we have grown closer instead of growing apart. 

As I'm getting older I don't have the time to waste any longer waiting on others to grow into mature conscious adults and I'm becoming less patient with people's unresolved childhood repression, constantly and endlessly reenacting their painful childhood dramas and bringing me into their childhood painful reenactments. 

I waited for over 20 years to see if you would find the courage to walk away from your mother and let her and her money go and just focus on your own life and your own money and you would learn to use your triggers constructively to resolve your childhood repression. 

Now, my only regret is that I didn't confront you sooner about you making others your scapegoats who too like you were affected by your mother's child-rearing practices and methods and are as much of a victim of your mother's upbringing as you are... their lives, like so many lives in our world are a tragedy and it's very sad to constantly witness... 

It makes me sad seeing you following the same path and becoming like the people you despise and hate so much... your hatred is justified but has to be understood and consciously felt within the context of your childhood. Repressed hatred cannot ever be resolved by scapegoating. 

"Alongside reactive hatred of the parents and latent hatred deflected onto scapegoats, there is also the justified hatred for a person tormenting us in the present, either physically or mentally, a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome." Alice Miller

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2021/10/what-is-hatred.html?m=1

These words Alice Miller wrote to me come truer every day: “Thank you for your thoughtful letter I agree with you that there is a difference between the powerless, legitimate rage of a desperate child that reacts to the cruelty of their parents and the rage of the adult who is attacking others out of denial of their history by imitating the behavior of own parents from the position of "power" (even grandiosity). The first rage (of the child) should be felt and expressed in therapy, it can be then RESOLVED. The second one (of the adult), directed toward scapegoats, can NEVER be resolved (see dictators). If therapists see it as an end point of their therapies and don’t enable the patients to confront the early parents and the feelings of that time they do much HARM to them. Staying trapped in the hatred toward scapegoats can't be the successful end of a therapy. I hope that you can continue your work if you have this difference in mind and can also explain it in your forum."

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/05/scapegoating.html?m=1

The only change you have made in your life is changing or reversing the roles - NOW you play the role of your powerful mother she once was-- and your mother NOW is playing the role of the vulnerable defenseless child you once were, but you remain in the emotional prison of your childhood nevertheless. 

“This incapacity to love from the outset occurs much more often than we imagine. It is not the fault of the mothers but of the ignorance of society. In a progressive maternity ward, a woman having her baby should have access to enlightened assistance in perceiving and becoming fully aware of the body memories within her. This would prevent her from passing on the traumas of her own childhood (abandonment, violence, and so on) to her baby."

"If the repression stays unresolved, the parents’ childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The search for the True Self) Page 23

I hope one day you find the courage to do your emotional work, the most important work of one's life, and free yourself from the chains of repetition compulsion of reenacting your childhood painful dramas with your mother or with people standing  in symbolizing your parents.

"#NarcissisticMothers have a tendency to pay more attention to their children while they are still young and dependent. However, as the children get older and assert their independence, the narcissist’s mask slides off and the manipulation tactics go into overdrive."

"The truth is, narcissistic parents don't have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which the narcissist can write the rules without any checks and balances."

With my book and all my writings, I give you the map and keys to liberate yourself, if you ever find the courage to leave the emotional prison of your childhood, as the quote above says this journey is yours to take. 

It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths -- intelligence alone is not enough; but it rather helps create seductive rationalizations, theories, illusions, and lies to help us run from facing and feeling our own painful truths. 

These words by Alice Miller could not be truer: "Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.

I try to reach the child in the readers, allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, images. In this way, I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.

In my first studies, I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.

If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat."
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2011/04/alice-miller-most-significant-thinker.html

I wish you much courage, 

Sylvie 

"Some children in a narcissistic household detect how the selfish parent gets his needs met by the other family members. Those children observe how manipulation and using guilt gets the parent what they want. They emulate the narcissistic parent and develop a false self, use aggression and intimidation, and bully the other siblings and other parent in order to get their way. Those children become narcissists themselves."