Things that can particularly bother
a narcissist include: being ignored or
not receiving constant admiration,
being called out on their behavior,
having their flaws pointed out,
being challenged or contradicted,
seeing others receive praise they feel
they deserve, experiencing
genuine indifference, and having
their control over a
situation threatened; essentially,
anything that punctures their
inflated sense of self-importance
and challenges their need for
constant validation.
Lack of attention:
Narcissists thrive on admiration and
attention, so being ignored or not given the
focus they feel entitled to can significantly
upset them.
Direct confrontation:
Calling out a narcissist's manipulative
behavior or directly confronting their
flaws can trigger defensive reactions
and anger as they struggle to accept
criticism.
Boundary setting:
When someone sets clear boundaries with a narcissist, refusing to be manipulated or controlled, it can be frustrating and upsetting as it undermines their power dynamic.
Being seen as "lesser":
Narcissists often have a grandiose sense of self, so witnessing someone else being praised or achieving success they feel they should have can trigger envy and resentment.
Genuine indifference:
When someone shows genuine lack of interest in a narcissist's opinions or displays a casual attitude towards them, it can be disorienting and challenging to their need for validation.
Loss of control:
Narcissists often try to manipulate situations to maintain control, so when someone resists their attempts or takes charge, it can be deeply upsetting.
Being called out for their hypocrisy:
Narcissists frequently project their own flaws onto others, so when their hypocrisy is pointed out, it can be difficult for them to handle.
Ask a narcissist if they are dependable and they will say, Im the most responsible person you know, you can always count on me. And they can be. But when the rubber meets the road (an old saying about being put to the test), narcissists seem to wiggle out of accountability. Why?
Narcissists will gladly be responsible for the things they deem worthy, especially when it provides an opportunity to be the center of attention. However, when others place responsibility on the narcissist, the narcissist sees this as an attempt to control them. This violates one of their personal mantras: no one will have power over them. So they escape from all liability. How?
Intimidate/Blame. The narcissist begins by bullying the person endeavoring to hold them accountable. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. Once a subordinate position has been established, they blame the person for attempting to make the narcissist look less than superior.
Accuse/Project. To circumvent any accountability, the narcissist preempts the attack by accusing another person. Usually, they pick an overly responsible, co-dependent person who idolizes the narcissist. Then the narcissist projects the things they are answerable for onto the other person. Thus escaping before the attack.
Argue/Exhaust. This is the simplest tactic with great immediate results. When confronted, the narcissist picks one small detail and argues it to the umpteenth degree. If the other person argues back, they pick another tiny point and persistently wear down their opponent. Exhausted, frustrated, and annoyed, the other person gives upholding the narcissist liable.
Deny/Rewrite. One way of avoiding responsibility is for the narcissist to deny they have any. Even if the item is written down, the narcissist will make excuses and rewrite history. Frequently they take the victim role by saying they were forced into being held accountable when in actuality they willingly did so. This tactic often leaves the other person questioning themselves and their memory.
Divert/Attack. This method begins with an outburst over something very insignificant. Then, the narcissist exaggerates the point to incite the other person and draw their attention away from what really is happening. Whenever the narcissist is fueling a small fire, it is to keep the focus off the inferno somewhere else. The diversion is done to drain resources, energy, and time so the narcissist can attack when the other person is vulnerable.
Fear/Avoid. Narcissists have the ability to take a persons small fear and turn it into paranoia. Their charisma is put to destructive uses as they weave a believable story with an intense dreadful outcome. Once the other person is frightened, the narcissist uses the other persons terror as justification for avoiding responsibility. They often cite that the other person is reactionary and therefore any requests from the other person should be discounted.
Rescue/Retreat. This tactic is the most manipulative of the bunch. First, the narcissist rescues the other person from a dreadful situation. Having gained the other persons loyalty, the narcissist waits. Eventually, the other person confronts the narcissist about a lack of responsibility and then the narcissist retreats. The withholding of love/attention/time is so dramatic that the other person becomes horrified and assumes responsibility so that the narcissist will return. Once secured, the narcissist then accuses the other person of not appreciating the rescue. The other person feels bad and succumbs to the wishes of the narcissist even further.
Exactly! Yes, what bothers me the most is that they still are exploiting other emotionally blind people out there.
Preaching forgiveness is another form of abuse that keeps us stuck in their emotional prisons. You have to allow yourself to feel all of your authentic feelings caused by the trauma we suffered from the sociopaths/narcissists. Feelings don't cause harm to ourselves or others, only actions can cause harm, but the repression of our authentic feelings will harm us and keeps us stuck in the emotional prison. Forgiveness is a lid that represses our feelings and as long as our feelings are repressed we stay stuck.
Just as Alice Miller wrote: They work under the influence of various interpretations culled from both Western and Oriental religions, which preach forgiveness to the once-mistreated child. Thereby, they create a new vicious circle for people who, from their earliest years, have been caught in the vicious circle of pedagogy. This, they refer to as "therapy".
In so doing, they lead them into a trap from which there is no escape, the same trap that once rendered their natural protests impossible, thus causing the illness in the first place. Because such therapists, caught as they are in the pedagogic system, cannot help patients to resolve the consequences of the traumatization they have suffered, they offer them traditional morality instead. In recent years I have been sent many books from the United States of America describing different kinds of therapeutic intervention by authors with whom I am not familiar.
Many of these authors presume that forgiveness is an indispensable condition for successful therapy. This notion appears to be so widespread in therapeutic circles that it is not always called into question - something urgently needed. For forgiveness does not resolve latent hatred and self-hatred but can cover them up in a very dangerous way. “ Alice Miller Read more here
The words below by Alice Miller about forgiveness are also very true. From my experience admitting the truth is a must, but we must also feel the whole range of our repressed emotions within the context of our own childhood, otherwise, the compulsion to repeat or reenact our childhood drama will continue endlessly one way or another. “…preaching forgiveness is not only hypocritical and futile but also actively dangerous.
It masks the compulsion to repeat. The only thing that can protect us from repetition is the admission of the truth, with all its implications.
Once we know as accurately as possible what our parents did to us, we are no longer in danger of repeating their misdeeds. Otherwise, we will do so automatically, and with all the tenacity at our disposal, we will resist the idea that we can --- and indeed must --- break off our infant attachment to parents who abused us if we want to become adults and live of our own in peace.
We must give up the confusion we lived in as infants, the confusion stemming from early attempts to understand abuse and give it a meaning. As adults we can do that; we can learn to understand how morality in therapy gets in the way of the healing of the wounds we carry around inside us.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting” by Alice Miller page 152.
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse.
If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness.
I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.
..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds.
This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
Very true.
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