Showing posts sorted by date for query primal therapy. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query primal therapy. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Friday, April 4, 2025

Kamala Harris: I'm not here to say I told you so


She should have been our President. A much better choice than DT, that's for sure!
Many people are blinded by the unresolved hatred of the child they once were; they are driven by the dead hand of their own repression to vote against themselves.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2013/03/driven-by-dead-hand-of-their-own_27.html


Why didn't America do the same with the felon DT?!

The Internet Allows Everybody to Show Themselves -- Their Emotional Insights as Well as Their Emotional Blindness

The people who proclaim to be the smartest are usually the dumbest! As we witness with DT. 

The hatred goes deep. This is why DT won because he provided his followers the scapegoats they desperately needed to temporarily and superficially alleviate their unresolved, repressed hatred. The "illegal immigrants" make the perfect scapegoats for many dangerously repressed Americans. 

People's hatred is justified, but has to be understood and consciously felt within the context of their childhood. Repressed hatred cannot ever be resolved by scapegoating. 

"Alongside reactive hatred of the parents and latent hatred deflected onto scapegoats, there is also the justified hatred for a person tormenting us in the present, either physically or mentally, a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome." Alice Miller

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2021/10/what-is-hatred.html?m=1

These words Alice Miller wrote to me come truer every day: “Thank you for your thoughtful letter I agree with you that there is a difference between the powerless, legitimate rage of a desperate child that reacts to the cruelty of their parents and the rage of the adult who is attacking others out of denial of their history by imitating the behavior of own parents from the position of "power" (even grandiosity). The first rage (of the child) should be felt and expressed in therapy; it can then be RESOLVED. The second one (of the adult), directed toward scapegoats, can NEVER be resolved (see dictators). If therapists see it as an end point of their therapies and don’t enable the patients to confront the early parents and the feelings of that time, they do much HARM to them. Staying trapped in the hatred toward scapegoats can't be the successful end of a therapy. I hope that you can continue your work if you have this difference in mind, and can also explain it in your forum."

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=scapegoating+

I wish America had also understood the assignment when electing the President. Congratulations, Wisconsin! You made the right choice. 


Recent data indicates a shift where young men in America are becoming more religious than their female peers, with some evidence suggesting they are more likely to identify as religious and attend church services. [This explains why many young men voted for DT!]

A pastor at Hope Church in Texas said that the young men attending their church "are looking for leadership, they're looking for clarity, they're looking for meaning". [Looking for leadership, clarity, and meaning in the wrong places. 
Many men may be physically stronger, but mentally appear to be the weaker sex. 
Otherwise, they would not be looking for crutches like religion.] 

"...many people joining such groups seem completely indifferent to the fact that their new surroundings are powered by mechanisms expressly designed to subjugate them, to rob them of the freedom to think, to act, and feel as they see fit. They seem completely impervious to the fact that such groups set out to impose an Orwellian form of surveillance and demand for mindless obedience from which the prospects of escaping are more or less nil. Years of brainwashing and indoctrination ensure that the victims are kept unaware of the insidious harm being done to their personalities. They have no notion of the price they have paid for their malleability because they have no notion that there is an alternative.
The thing that concerns me most about cult groups is the unconscious manipulations that I have described in detail in my work. It is the way in which the repressed and unreflected childhood biographies of parents and therapists influence the lives of children and patients entrusted to their care, without anyone involved actually realizing it. At first glance, it may seem as if what goes on in cults and cult-like therapy groups takes place on a different level from the unconscious manipulation of children by their parents. We assume that in the former instance, we are in the presence of an intentional, carefully planned, and organized form of manipulation aimed at exploiting the specific predicament of individuals.
In my view, however, this allegedly conscious exploitation can also be traced back to unconscious motives. Terrible as the consequences were, I do not believe, for example, that the two initiators of “feeling therapy,” discussed earlier, actually set out to establish a totalitarian regime. It was the power they gained over their adherents that made them into gurus. And this is what I have in mind when I refer to the unconscious aspects of manipulation. In the end, they themselves become the victims of a process with an inexorable logic of its own, a process they were unaware of because they had never given it any thought.
Thus, they sparked off a conflagration they were unable to control, much less extinguish. First, they had learned how to reduce people to the emotional state of the helpless child. Once they had achieved that, they also learned how to use unconscious regression to exercise total control over their victims.  From then on, what they did seemed to come automatically, in accordance with the child-rearing patterns instilled into them in their own childhood.
Mithers’s report on the misleading blandishments that arouse false hopes and illusions also helps us to understand how political leaders operate. For the last fifty years, a debate has been raging on whether Hitler actually believed what he was saying or whether he consciously manipulated others. Was he a man obsessed with his self-appointed mission or a consummate actor, a Pied Piper luring millions to their doom? Some biographers have changed their minds on this point, tending more and more to the view that Hitler was indeed a fanatic believer in his own crazed doctrines. The question is a complex one, but one eminently worth following up because, as we see from the cult groups, it has lost none of its burning relevance for today.
If people stand up and proclaim they are prophets or agents of God, does that mean they are calculating charlatans, or are they lunatics genuinely believing they are in direct contact with Jesus? It is by no means easy to draw the line. In the case of “Feeling therapy,” it was clearly discernible how the craving for power engulfed any kind of realistic self-assessment on the part of the founders. They ended up believing they were as marvelous as their supporters thought them to be. They were asked to take part in 134 radio shows and 104 television programs. That was enough to convince them that they were epoch-making geniuses far superior to run-of-the-mill psychologists.
With cult leaders, it is very difficult to say where the conscious ends and the unconscious begins. Many gurus are driven by forces they are not aware of. If this were not the case, they would not feel constrained only by destructive means. With normal, conscious, systematic planning, it would not be necessary to proceed so elaborately. The gurus end up enmeshed in the webs they have woven. The examples are legion. A case in point, an extreme instance of pathological grandiosity, was the mass murder in Jonestown, Guyana, in the late seventies. Others followed suit. Common to all was the way in which mostly well-meaning but misguided and confused people sacrificed their own lives to salvage their belief in the sincerity of one obsessed individual---death as a means of preserving an illusion to the bitter end.
Many of the people who establish cult groups are paranoid, megalomaniac psychotics seeking protection from their own anxieties in the mass of their adherents by passing themselves off as helpers and healers. They proclaim that the end of the world is night and build subterranean bunkers in an attempt to escape their childhood feelings of helplessness and wage war on those feelings at the symbolic level. At the same time, they offer their services as saviors because that ensures them the adoration of their disciples and enables them, at last, to feel powerful instead of powerless. But as soon as they have grounds to fear exposure, they revert to threats and coercion to force their followers to keep silent. Suicide is an extreme form of self-imposed silence. It is also the course elected by those thirty-nine young people who took their own lives in a luxury villa in San Diego in 1997.
I do not believe that material greed alone is an adequate explanation for the system of fraud so elaborate as to inevitably involve unnecessary expenditure. The point is that it is not only the victims that lapse back into an infantile state, but it is also the people behind the system as well---be they little Hitlers or gurus. They bask in the admiration of their adherents, which they take to be proof of their exceptional status and thus completely lose touch with reality. If this were not the case, Hitler would never have prolonged the Russian campaign in defiance of the advice of his experienced generals. But he was completely besotted with himself, a helpless victim of his own delusions of grandeur. His unconscious regression made him lose all contact with reality and any level-headed assessment of the situation.
Hitler, too, believed that the adulation of the masses was irrefutable evidence of his own greatness. The fact that this adulation was born of his own lies was something he could easily forget. Thus, he came to regard himself as a genius. Like Hitler, gurus use paternal or maternal promises of healing and salvation to achieve complete and utter devotion. Regression without awareness, the total relapse into earliest infancy, is the instrument they use to blind the masses and keep them in the state of boundless adulation. This kind of regression makes the criticism of parent figures like gurus and “charismatic” political leaders totally impossible. Equally inconceivable is self-criticism on the part of such leaders. It has no chance against the lust for power and the lure of self-aggrandizement.
Today, anyone who really wants to know how Hitler functioned needs to no more than procuring any tape of documentary footage on Hitler and watch it attentively. Observe the gestures and the facial expression of the Fuhrer, listen to the sound of his ranting, euphoric voice, and read the quotations from his speeches. Then the Hitler mystique will stop being such a mystique. It is an example that can sharpen our perceptions and help us identify other, similar phenomena quickly and accurately.
For political leaders in the Hitler mold, the jubilation of the masses is as indispensable to still their effective craving as a drug is for an addict. The millions of cheering supporters do not realize that they are needed for the purpose and that purpose alone. When Hitler painted his glowing vision of a thousand-year Reich free of revolutions, his listeners had no inkling whatever that their beloved---and allegedly loving---father was getting ready to send them off to their deaths in the war because his own personal biography willed it so.
Some people are convinced that so-called deprogramming is the best---indeed, the only---prospect of freeing cult group members from their dependency and their psychological blindness. I, for my part, am an incorrigible believer in the enlightening power of information. If it reaches people at the right moment, it can set off a process of reflection. Depending on the individual’s personal situation, that process of reflection will either be an ongoing process or it will peter out. The effects may also be delayed, deferred until later. The human mind is not a machine, an apparatus that can be repaired via an outside agency. It has its own individual history, and that history is the sole basis from which it can operate, the only source for thought and action. Sometimes an emotional shock will enable a person to wake up out of his regression and perceive reality as it is, even if that realization is a painful one.
Can therapy help in this respect? There is no general answer to that question. There is such a market for psychological aid today and so many different salvation-mongers peddling their wares alongside the serious representatives of the therapeutic community that there is little point in making vague, general recommendations. But one thing that can be said is that extreme caution is called for in the face of promises of “complete cure” via regression. Frequently, impressive-sounding theories are paraded, which, despite their scientific façade, have absolutely nothing to do with science. The ride roughshod over existing facts and make pronouncements that either is a pure fabrication or are derived from theories they are supposed to be substantiating.
Both Sigmund Freud, in his early years, and Arthur Janov were inspired by the hope that remembering and consciously re-experiencing a traumatic situation could bring about lasting relief from its consequences. This hope has not been entirely fulfilled. I know of cases where improvement has been achieved without recourse to the reactivation of memories, and others where the reenactment of the past and years of therapy has done nothing to alleviate the patient’s condition. Particularly if the therapeutic work restricts itself to a confrontation with the past. Energies briefly released by the suspension of repression are frequently drawn on by the patient to fuel new attempts at regaining the initial euphoria by means of activating more memories. This often leads to an addictive craving for pain and a reemergence of physical symptoms because the old patterns have not been properly worked through in a reliable, trustworthy relationship.
It is by no means unlikely that the attempts to use primal therapy to delve down into the earliest stages of life are bound to fail in those cases where very early traumatic experiences have caused severe irreversible damage to the brain. Constant unavailing attempts to dissolve such long-standing distress will then overtax the organism to such an extent that no positive results can be obtained. At all events, the primal therapists who have been trained more recently have increasingly moved away from the initial absolutism. Many of them combine primal therapy techniques with other methods. The techniques developed over twenty years ago are used less often today; many therapists have jettisoned both the “intensive phase” and the darkened room. Most of them have discovered that they have no need for such things in order to enable their patients to get in touch with their feelings.
Karl Kraus once said that psychoanalysis is the illness it claims to be curing. This criticism was accurate as long as psychoanalysis barricaded itself behind rigid theories. Today, however, there appears to be a greater readiness to turn new research findings from other fields to account, notably the results from infant research and the study of the fetus. There also appears to be an increasing tendency to confront the actual facts of child abuse in all its forms.
Perhaps we may look forward to a time when primal therapy will also become more receptive than it has been in the past. The positive aspect of this approach might be salvaged once its advocates are prepared to acknowledge the negative effects it can have, its limitations, and the serious dangers it may involve when used as a means of manipulation. Then old concepts could be revised in the light of new insights. But adhering uncritically to the alleged infallibility of the once established methods and blaming the patients when things go wrong will relegate the whole approach into the same category as cult leaders’ empty promises of salvation. As Helga’s story shows, such promises only produce self-destructive dependencies militating against any genuine liberation of individual patients from their suffering.
Occasionally, it takes years of therapy to free people from their inner compulsions, constraints, and obsessions. But fortunately, not always. Sometimes, a brief therapy will suffice to open up new perspectives and help patients to extricate themselves from the impasses they find themselves in. Here, additional group therapy has an important ancillary role to play. At regular intervals, news reaches me of such combined programs in various parts of the world, and some of them can indeed point to a very gratifying degree of success."      
From the book “Paths of Life: Seven Scenarios” by Alice Miller   








Tuesday, March 4, 2025

Sadistic Malignant Narcissist

 


Elon Musk is a con artist, just like Donald Trump. That's the problem with many billionaires; they are sadistic, malignant narcissists who want it all for themselves and enjoy seeing others suffer. They are too emotionally blind to see that, in the end, they will hurt themselves too. All the pain they try to transfer to others will return to them. There is no escape. 

Narcissists do evil for the same reason an alcoholic takes a drink: because it makes them feel good. It keeps the pain repressed. Indeed, does an alcoholic like whiskey? No! He has a love-hate relationship with it. He knows it's killing him. But it has a hold on him. He's addicted to the high. Narcissists are addicted to the high they get from harming others. Yes, they DO act out of malice, because they want to hurt you. That's no accident: they hurt you on purpose and as much as they can. But only because hurting you makes them feel good. 

Hurting and destroying others' lives is their pain-killing drug. It's an addiction that keeps their own childhood repression intact. 

"Sadism is not an infectious disease that strikes a person all of a sudden. It has long prehistory in childhood and always originates in the desperate fantasies of a child who is searching for a way out of a hopeless situation." From the book: “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence” By Alice Miller. To read more, use the link below: 


Having special gifts doesn't mean anything. People can use them to exploit others. 

"If a person is especially gifted, they can use that gift to reinforce the refusal of the truth and keep it away from themselves and others.

 ...It is a great mistake to imagine that one can resolve traumas in a symbolic fashion. If that were possible, poets, painters, and other artists would be able to resolve their pain through creativity. This is not the case, however. Creativity helps us channel the pain of trauma into symbolic acts; it doesn't help us resolve it. If symbolic revenge for maltreatment received in childhood were effective, then dictators would eventually stop humiliating and torturing their fellow human beings. As long as they choose to deceive themselves about who really deserves their hatred, however, and as long as they go on feeding that hatred in symbolic form instead of experiencing and resolving it within the context of their own childhood, their hunger for revenge will remain insatiable." Alice Miller

From my book, pages 61, 62, and 63
"Alice Miller often talks about the “life-saving function of repression.”27 As defenseless little children, we have no choice but to subconsciously repress our negative feelings for two reasons. First of all, we need support from others. And second, we just don’t have the ability to understand how the people we must rely on could actually be cruel to us. 

In the short-term, repression can have a positive effect in traumatic circumstances. But the subconscious actions that we think are saving our lives as children are what really keep us down as adults. 

In fact, Alice Miller believed that it wasn’t so much the traumas we experience that harm us, but “the unconscious, repressed, hopeless despair over not being allowed to give expression to what one has suffered and the fact that one is not allowed to show and is unable to experience feelings of rage, anger, humiliation, despair, helplessness, and sadness.”28 

Abused and otherwise traumatized children are forced to repress their true feelings unless they’re lucky enough to find someone to comfort them. But because enlightened witnesses (and even helping witnesses) aren’t always readily available, most of us develop what Alice Miller calls a false self — usually for the sake of our parents — only to pay for it later in life. 

In an article entitled “The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society,” Alice Miller writes that “it seems clear to me that information about abuse inflicted during childhood is recorded in our body cells as a sort of memory, linked to repressed anxiety. 

If lacking the aid of an enlightened witness, these memories fail to break through to consciousness; they often compel the person to violent acts that reproduce the abuse suffered in childhood, which was repressed in order to survive. The aim is to avoid the fear of powerlessness before a cruel adult. This fear can be eluded momentarily by creating situations in which one plays the active role, the role of the powerful, towards a powerless person.”29 

This is how the vicious cycle of parental abuse continues for generations. And in extreme cases, the repetition compulsion can lead to violent atrocities against humanity. 

“To his dying day, Hitler was convinced that only the death of every single Jew could shield him from the fearful and daily memory of his brutal father,” Alice Miller writes. “Since his father was half Jewish, the whole Jewish people had to be exterminated. I know how easy it is to dismiss this interpretation of the Holocaust, but I honestly haven’t yet found a better one. 

Besides, the case of Hitler shows that hatred and fear cannot be resolved through power, even absolute power, as long as the hatred is transferred to scapegoats. On the contrary, if the true cause of the hatred is identified, and is experienced with the feelings that accompany this recognition, blind hatred of innocent victims can be dispelled. … Old wounds can be healed if exposed to the light of day. But they cannot be repudiated by revenge.”30 

In milder cases, which cover the majority of human beings on this planet, our repression tricks us into believing in the false self until we die with our lies or until something like depression, psychoses, or physical illness jars us out of our illusion. The tragedy of our existence is that most of us aren’t even aware of the fact — or find out too late — that we’ve lost all love and respect for who we really are.

Repression is an evil that prevents many people from even giving Alice Miller’s theories a second look, because they seem so radical to someone who’s totally repressed. The fact that repression hides our truth is why writing this book is so important to me. Because I know how great it feels to be free from lies and illusions, I want to make the experience possible for as many people as I can. 

Great forces were at work against me, but I’m here to tell you that they can all be overcome. It may take a lot of courage, and it may force you to see your childhood with new eyes, but the personal liberation is worth any pain you need to go through to get there."

Once you understand your emotions and feel them consciously in the right context, they start to subside and release from your body, and you liberate yourself from the emotional prison of your childhood. You will no longer be blinded by them to fall victim again to people in the present moment standing in, symbolizing your parents or childhood caregivers, triggering your emotions to manipulate you to play the part in their twisted dramas. 

I'm always amazed at how doctors articulate very well half-disconnected truths, and no one ever mentions that the root cause of people's dysfunctions is the repressed emotions that drive people into the state of compulsive repetition. As I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom, pages 129, 130, 131, and 132 
I’ve touched on this a lot in this chapter and elsewhere in this book, particularly in the section about Dr. Julio MachadoVaz — the psychologist who used me for sex. Still, I really want to reinforce the idea that so-called therapists and gurus only substitute one dangerous illusion for another. 

As Alice Miller writes, “What can happen when a doctor doesn’t stop at self-deception in his flight from pain, but deceives his patients, even founding dogmatic institutions in which further ‘helpers’ are recruited to a faith advertised as scientific ‘truth,’ can be catastrophic.”64 

The key to effective therapy is learning how to use your present triggers productively. They can help us clarify, understand, and consciously feel our intense emotions within the context of our own childhoods without losing our adult consciousness. 

A good therapist can help us regain our adult consciousness if we lose it and encourage our autonomy, so we can deal with present issues from an adult perspective. But when a therapist regresses us to the state of the desperate child we once were and keeps us feeling old pain over and over again, that reinforces our dependency, keeps us vulnerable to all kinds of manipulations, and makes our addiction to pain harder to shake. 

Why do people keep punishing themselves? As Alice Miller writes, “… the awareness was borne in upon me that in a state of regression, it is not possible to judge the competence and integrity of the person one has turned to for such guidance. 

This opens up all kinds of opportunities for abuse. The intensive phase with which primal therapy begins is an immediate obstacle to the formation of a balanced, critical, independent assessment of the therapist’s abilities by the client. 

The fact that the attendant uncritical and irrational expectations of healing and ‘salvation’ can lead to the establishment of totalitarian sects is borne out by the crass example of mass abuse at the hands of the exponents of ‘feeling therapy’ as described in detail by Carol Lynn Mithers in her book Therapy Gone Mad: The True Story of Hundreds of Patients and a Generation Betrayed (1994). 

But this study was possible only after the community she describes had disbanded, something that frequently takes decades. Today we know that such groups exist and that members of sects are done irreparable harm before they become aware of the fact.”65 

In another book, she goes on to say, “The thing that concerns me most about cult groups is the unconscious manipulations that I have described in detail in my work. It is the way in which the repressed and unreflected childhood biographies of parents and therapists influence the lives of children and patients enteringingingingingingstingngngngngngd to their care without anyone involved actually realizing it. 

At first glance, it may seem as if what goes on in cults and cultlike therapy groups takes place on a different level from the unconscious manipulation of children by their parents. We assume that in the former instance, we are in the presence of an intentional, carefully planned and organized form of manipulation aimed at exploiting the specific predicament of individuals. … First, they had learned how to reduce people to the emotional state of the helpless child. 

Once they had achieved that, they also learned how to use unconscious regression to exercise total control over their victims. From then on, what they did seemed to come automatically, in accordance with the child-rearing patterns instilled into them in their own childhood.”66 

Most people who search for answers never actually find them, because people suffering with their own repression are the ones who practice traditional therapies. Since the beginning of human history, priests, teachers, gurus, psychics, doctors, philosophers, and psychologists have all duped people into thinking they could provide real assistance when it was never possible because the healers were also victims of their own childhoods. 

Alice Miller saw the promise of psychotherapy to help people understand why they behave like helpless victims as adults and also to help them take responsibility for their actions. 

But she was disillusioned when she realized that practitioners couldn’t treat patients effectively as long as they failed to deal with their own repression. The people who write self-help books and lead 12-step groups and otherwise claim to heal people are, for the most part, little children themselves, afraid to speak the naked truth that could actually lead to true liberation. “I don’t see the path to growing but rather the repetition and continuation of the child’s dependency on illusions,” Alice Miller writes of traditional healing methods. “Growing and healing begin when former victims of mistreatment start to confront themselves with the cruelty of their upbringing, without illusions about the “love” of a higher power and without blaming themselves for projections. 

They allow themselves to feel their authentic emotions without moral restrictions and in this way become eventually true to themselves. But the 12 steps continue to keep the ACA [Adult Children of Alcoholics] in the former dependency of the child: fear, self-blame, and permanent overstrain. 

A person who has eventually painfully realized that she was never loved, can, based on this truth, learn to love herself and her children. But someone who lives with the illusion that she was indeed loved by the Higher Power, though she has missed to feel this love, will probably blame herself in the old manner for her lack of gratitude and will tend to demand the love from her children. 

By so doing, she will pass on the blame to her children if they don’t behave in the way she wishes them to do; she will pass on the blame, together with the lie that she learned in her so-called recovery.”67 

It is the major flaw in most human therapies that they are themselves grounded in the fear of the parents and the repressed emotions of traumatic experiences. It’s why therapy so often doesn’t work, and it frustrated Alice Miller and encouraged her to find a new way. “Sometimes for decades on end, clients and analysts remain bogged down in a maze of half-baked concepts,”68 she writes. Whether or not a therapist has been freed of his or her own repression is what will determine the success or failure of a given therapy."




I have compassion for the children they once were, but I have no compassion for the sadistic malignant narcissists they have become. 

Well said. It will never be okay with me either.

The Russians were supposed to occupy Kyiv in three days; instead, after three years, they successfully occupied Washington...

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

I'm Free and I’m Staying Free for the Rest of my Life

 


I wanted to share the excerpt from my book below on the blog Toxic Positivity triggered by the video below,  but then it slipped out of my mind.
So I will share the vedio again with the excerpt from my book on this blog.


Yes, don't let yourself be driven by the unresolved repressed emotions of the child you once were to do something you might regret later. Learn to be still and consciously feel the emotions within the context of your own childhood.
Just like I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions, pages 163, 164, 165, 166, 167, and 168

I’ll be honest with you, some of the feelings at times were so intense that I probably shouldn’t have been alone with them. But thanks to Alice Miller’s books, I was able to understand and move through them. Frankly, I didn’t have a choice. 

Before I discovered Alice Miller, I was close to the breaking point, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to go on much longer without her writings. 

You may not have a choice, either. Regrettably, true enlightened witnesses are hard to come by. To this day, I haven’t met a therapist I can recommend. All I can really suggest is that you get as much as you can out of this book, and out of all the writings of Alice Miller you can get your hands on. 

Just remember this: If particular people or circumstances trigger excruciatingly intense feelings inside you, just keep telling yourself that these are the repressed feelings of the child you once were. 

Feelings don’t kill anyone, no matter how intense they are. Only actions kill. So if you ride your intense feelings into shore, direct them at the real culprits who hurt you when you were a defenseless child, and avoid taking any actions you may regret later, you’ll be free, and no one will get hurt. As an autonomous adult, you do have some control over the people you let into your inner circle, and you may have to make some relationship adjustments as you do your emotional work. 

I took a lot of extra time to be with myself in solitude because most of the people in my life just didn’t understand what I was going through. When you’re trying to resolve your repression, being around unconscious people who are doing everything they can to avoid their own truths puts you at risk of relapsing into playing your old roles. 

Before Marty and I broke up in the year 2000, I was planning an extended trip to Portugal to take care of some family business. But the triggering of my repressed emotions put an end to that plan right away. I knew my family couldn’t help me explore and understand my feelings, since they couldn’t handle their own. 

They use every technique available to them to repress their own feelings, and I was afraid — knowing that I was in a vulnerable emotional state — that they’d once again make me their scapegoat, projecting their own repression into me like they did when I was younger. 

Sometimes you have to let go of some money or time to free yourself from certain people, like I did with that Mormon guy Justin, but that’s nothing compared to your freedom and peace. 

Other times, it may not be practical to show people in your life the exit door, but do the best you can, given your specific circumstances. The real key is to be patient with yourself. Keep trying to focus on your intense feelings, and eventually, you’ll begin to understand them. Once you do, they’ll start to subside, and you’ll start to feel liberated from your old wounds, roles, and patterns. You’ll begin to realize that any intense, excruciating emotions you feel today are the repressed emotions of the child you once were and have very little to do with your present situation. 

When a current event or person triggers a strong emotion, you’ll be able to take a step back from it. You’ll be able to tell yourself that the intense feelings of powerlessness, fear, or anger are from the child you once were, and that the present event or person is just a substitute that reminds you of a time when you were really vulnerable. 

In the future, you’ll no longer be blinded by your repressed emotions. You’ll be able to clearly recognize red flags and avoid getting too intimate with people who’ll reenact your childhood drama and have you relive old pains over and over again. 

You’ll be able to better deal with present-day triggers. As a child, you were powerless, but as an adult, you can obtain the power and the freedom to take care of yourself and get yourself out of abusive situations. 

While the child you once were was unable to feel intense fear or anger, it’s safe for you to feel these emotions as an adult today. Eventually, you’ll no longer feel scared and angry. Just don’t give up! You must let your honest feelings show you the true story of what you had to go through as a child. 

The thing that really kept me going was the fact that I knew I’d be incapable of loving anybody — especially myself — unless I faced and resolved my repression. I was tired of false starts and sustained failures. The promise of real change gave me the courage to soldier on against the odds. If you can do the same, then you too will have this incredibly liberating experience, and you’ll be truly amazed at how much the quality of your life will improve. 

By 2003, I was feeling stronger. Every day, the excruciating feelings started to diminish, and I found that I could enjoy being around other people again. 

I was energized, yet relaxed; confident, without being arrogant. In a word, balanced. Not being trapped inside an emotional prison of my own making, I was able to deal with day-to-day problems without connecting them subconsciously to my repressed childhood traumas and blowing them out of proportion. 

For the first time in my life, I was able to keep things in perspective and was finally free from repeating the drama of my childhood every time something went wrong. 

I even felt strong enough to return to Portugal. I had come a long way from the 22-year-old who had left her family behind for a new life in London. 

My visit lasted a year and a half, and I was able to see my family members for who they were — without being triggered by their projections. 

In fact, I had a quiet calm about me that everyone noticed. My family could tell that I was a different person, and they all had a strange kind of respect for me. They still tried to bring me into their dramas, but I politely refused to get involved. 

I finally understood that they, too, were victims of their upbringing. When I was young, I allowed them all to convince me that they were superior, that they knew what was better. But when I went back to see them after feeling the true emotions of my childhood, I knew that we were all equals — and that nobody knew what was best for me except me. 

While I never expected to get my siblings to change their ways, I was heartened by the fact that some of the younger members of my family were interested in what I had to say. Some of them would take a step forward and then retreat when some repressed childhood feeling got triggered by what I had to say, but they were making an effort, and that was a step in the right direction. I tried to explain what was happening to them in a gentle, loving way. Sometimes they understood, and other times they’d freak out and stay away from me for a while. But usually, I wasn’t alone for very long because lots of people in my extended family were curious about my newfound freedom. 

One of my nephews and his wife, for example, were having a hard time handling their two-year-old son’s temper tantrums. They both tried to dismiss the child’s behavior as the “terrible twos,” but I could see that this little boy was in a lot of emotional pain. His father buried himself in his work, and his mother had no idea what her son needed. 

When I saw this cute little guy for the first time, both of his parents were trying to force him to stop crying and come give his Great Aunt Sylvie a kiss. I told them it was okay to let him cry and express his unhappiness, and that it’s never a good idea to force a child to kiss anyone. 

I certainly wasn’t taking it personally! The boy had never seen me before, so I thought he should at least get to know me first before giving me any kisses. My nephew and his wife backed off, and sure enough, the little boy stopped crying. 

The next day my niece-in-law said that she had never heard anyone talk about children like I had. From then on she pretty much came to see me every day or asked me to be with her and her child. She didn’t want to abuse her son anymore. She wanted to help him and become a better mother. 

We spent many hours talking about the pain her son was feeling because his father worked so much, and because for two years he was left in the care of a nanny who, they found out later, was taking psychiatric drugs. When I finally had to return to Arizona, I felt so bad leaving my niece-in-law. I continued to help her via phone and Skype, but one day I wasn’t available and she went to her doctor and told him she felt suicidal. 

Instead of helping her process and understand the roots of her despair, this doctor put her in the hospital. They gave her strong drugs and kept her there — and away from her son — for an entire month. My nephew was working, of course, so the child was shipped off to his maternal grandparents. When I tried to call him, the grandparents kept me away. They blamed me for their daughter’s problems. It was easier to make me their scapegoat than to take responsibility for what they did to their daughter. 
 
Also from my book pages 61, 62, and 63
"Alice Miller often talks about the “life-saving function of repression.”27 As defenseless little children we have no choice but to subconsciously repress our negative feelings for two reasons. First of all, we need support from others. And second, we just don’t have the ability to understand how the people we must rely on could actually be cruel to us. 

In the short-term, repression can have a positive effect in traumatic circumstances. But the subconscious actions that we think are saving our lives as children are what really keep us down as adults. 

In fact, Alice Miller believed that it wasn’t so much the traumas we experience that harm us, but “the unconscious, repressed, hopeless despair over not being allowed to give expression to what one has suffered and the fact that one is not allowed to show and is unable to experience feelings of rage, anger, humiliation, despair, helplessness, and sadness.”28 

Abused and otherwise traumatized children are forced to repress their true feelings unless they’re lucky enough to find someone to comfort them. But because enlightened witnesses (and even helping witnesses) aren’t always readily available, most of us develop what Alice Miller calls a false self — usually for the sake of our parents — only to pay for it later in life. 

In an article entitled “The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society,” Alice Miller writes that “it seems clear to me that information about abuse inflicted during childhood is recorded in our body cells as a sort of memory, linked to repressed anxiety. 

If lacking the aid of an enlightened witness, these memories fail to break through to consciousness, they often compel the person to violent acts that reproduce the abuse suffered in childhood, which was repressed in order to survive. The aim is to avoid the fear of powerlessness before a cruel adult. This fear can be eluded momentarily by creating situations in which one plays the active role, the role of the powerful, towards a powerless person.”29 

This is how the vicious cycle of parental abuse continues for generations. And in extreme cases, the repetition compulsion can lead to violent atrocities against humanity. 

“To his dying day, Hitler was convinced that only the death of every single Jew could shield him from the fearful and daily memory of his brutal father,” Alice Miller writes. “Since his father was half Jewish, the whole Jewish people had to be exterminated. I know how easy it is to dismiss this interpretation of the Holocaust, but I honestly haven’t yet found a better one. 

Besides, the case of Hitler shows that hatred and fear cannot be resolved through power, even absolute power, as long as the hatred is transferred to scapegoats. On the contrary, if the true cause of the hatred is identified and is experienced with the feelings that accompany this recognition, blind hatred of innocent victims can be dispelled. … Old wounds can be healed if exposed to the light of day. But they cannot be repudiated by revenge.”30 

In milder cases, which cover the majority of human beings on this planet, our repression tricks us into believing in the false self until we die with our lies or until something like depression, psychoses, or physical illness jars us out of our illusion. The tragedy of our existence is that most of us aren’t even aware of the fact — or find out too late — that we’ve lost all love and respect for who we really are.

Repression is an evil that prevents many people from even giving Alice Miller’s theories a second look, because they seem so radical to someone who’s totally repressed. The fact that repression hides our truth is why writing this book is so important to me. Because I know how great it feels to be free from lies and illusions, I want to make the experience possible for as many people as I can. 

Great forces were at work against me, but I’m here to tell you that they can all be overcome. It may take a lot of courage, and it may force you to see your childhood with new eyes, but the personal liberation is worth any pain you need to go through to get there."

Once your emotions are understood and consciously felt in the right context, they start to subside and released from your body and you liberate yourself from the emotional prison of your childhood. You will no longer be blinded by them to fall victim again to people in the present moment standing in symbolizing your parents or childhood caregivers triggering your emotions to manipulate you to play the part in their twisted dramas. 

I'm always amazed at how doctors articulate very well half disconnected truths and no one ever mentioned the root cause of people's dysfunctions is the repressed emotions that drive people into the state of compulsion repetition. As I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom pages 129, 130, 131 and 132 
I’ve touched on this a lot in this chapter and elsewhere in this book, particularly in the section about Dr. Julio MachadoVaz — the psychologist who used me for sex — but I really want to reinforce the idea that so-called therapists and gurus only substitute one dangerous illusion for another. 

As Alice Miller writes, “What can happen when a doctor doesn’t stop at self-deception in his flight from pain, but deceives his patients, even founding dogmatic institutions in which further ‘helpers’ are recruited to a faith advertised as scientific ‘truth,’ can be catastrophic.”64 

The key to effective therapy is learning how to use your present triggers productively. They can help us clarify, understand and consciously feel our intense emotions within the context of our own childhoods without losing our adult consciousness. 

A good therapist can help us regain our adult consciousness if we lose it and encourage our autonomy, so we can deal with present issues from an adult perspective. But when a therapist regresses us to the state of the desperate child we once were and keeps us feeling old pain over and over again, that just reinforces our dependency, keeps us vulnerable to all kinds of manipulations, and makes our addiction to pain harder to shake. 

Why do people keep punishing themselves? As Alice Miller writes, “… the awareness was borne in upon me that in a state of regression, it is not possible to judge the competence and integrity of the person one has turned to for such guidance. 

This opens up all kinds of opportunities for abuse. The intensive phase with which primal therapy begins is an immediate obstacle to the formation of a balanced, critical, independent assessment of the therapist’s abilities by the client. 

The fact that the attendant uncritical and irrational expectations of healing and ‘salvation’ can lead to the establishment of totalitarian sects is borne out by the crass example of mass abuse at the hands of the exponents of ‘feeling therapy’ as described in detail by Carol Lynn Mithers in her book Therapy Gone Mad: The True Story of Hundreds of Patients and a Generation Betrayed (1994). 

But this study was possible only after the community she describes had disbanded, something that frequently takes decades. Today we know that such groups exist and that members of sects are done irremediable harm before they become aware of the fact.”65 

In another book, she goes on to say, “The thing that concerns me most about cult groups is the unconscious manipulations that I have described in detail in my work. It is the way in which the repressed and unreflected childhood biographies of parents and therapists influence the lives of children and patients entrusted to their care without anyone involved actually realizing it. 

At first glance, it may seem as if what goes on in cults and cultlike therapy groups takes place on a different level from the unconscious manipulation of children by their parents. We assume that in the former instance, we are in the presence of an intentional, carefully planned, and organized form of manipulation aimed at exploiting the specific predicament of individuals. … First, they had learned how to reduce people to the emotional state of the helpless child. 

Once they had achieved that, they also learned how to use unconscious regression to exercise total control over their victims. From then on, what they did seemed to come automatically, in accordance with the child-rearing patterns instilled into them in their own childhood.”66 

Most people who search for answers never actually find them, because people suffering with their own repression are the ones who practice traditional therapies. Since the beginning of human history, priests, teachers, gurus, psychics, doctors, philosophers, and psychologists have all duped people into thinking they could provide real assistance when it was never possible because the healers were also victims of their own childhoods. 

Alice Miller saw the promise of psychotherapy to help people understand why they behave like helpless victims as adults and also to help them take responsibility for their actions. 

But she was disillusioned when she realized that practitioners couldn’t treat patients effectively as long as they failed to deal with their own repression. The people who write self-help books and lead 12-step groups and otherwise claim to heal people are for the most part little children themselves, afraid to speak the naked truth that could actually lead to true liberation. “I don’t see the path to growing but rather the repetition and continuation of the child’s dependency on illusions,” Alice Miller writes of traditional healing methods. “Growing and healing begin when former victims of mistreatment start to confront themselves with the cruelty of their upbringing, without illusions about the “love” of a higher power and without blaming themselves for projections. 

They allow themselves to feel their authentic emotions without moral restrictions and in this way become eventually true to themselves. But the 12 steps continue to keep the ACA [Adult Children of Alcoholics] in the former dependency of the child: fear, self-blame, and permanent overstrain. 

A person who has eventually painfully realized that she was never loved, can, based on this truth, learn to love herself and her children. But someone who lives with the illusion that she was indeed loved by the Higher Power, though she has missed to feel this love, will probably blame herself in the old manner for her lack of gratitude and will tend to demand the love from her children. 

By so doing, she will pass on the blame to her children if they don’t behave in the way she wishes them to do; she will pass on the blame, together with the lie that she learned in her so-called recovery.”67 

It is the major flaw in most human therapies that they are themselves grounded in the fear of the parents and the repressed emotions of traumatic experiences. It’s why therapy so often doesn’t work, and it frustrated Alice Miller and encouraged her to find a new way. “Sometimes for decades on end, clients and analysts remain bogged down in a maze of half-baked concepts,”68 she writes. Whether or not a therapist has been freed of his or her own repression is what will determine the success or failure of a given therapy."


Yes, this is a brutal world  because most of humanity is dangerously repressed and outright evil. No, in the end, no one gets away with anything. 

Many people have no integrity and dignity, but they try to manipulate people's perceptions and worry about their image and reputation; that's all they care about...

I try to be as kind as possible, too.


Yep! 

Yep! They wait patiently for the day they can take it all. Most narcissists are afraid to be alone, and other malignant narcissists will exploit this weakness to grab on, but a lot of times, they sacrifice their whole lives, freedom, health, and soul in the process. Many times, the guy/girl and his/her whole family love bomb and stroke the ego of the narcissist with money and assets to keep her/him hooked and exactly where they want her/him to be. Many narcissists think they are very smart, but they are not that smart after all...