Unresolved childhood traumas combined with present traumatic experiences are a recipe for tragedy. This is the root cause of most of the tragedies we witness in our world.
Good people are A MAGNET TO THE NARCISSIST. If you are a sensitive, kind individual, especially one possessing a high ability for empathy, NARCISSTISTS WILL BE CIRCLING. Be aware of it. Learn to see the red flags. THEY'RE ALWAYS THERE.
MALIGNANT NARCISSISTS DON'T CHOOSE LOSERS. THEY CHOOSE YOU BECAUSE THEY WANT THE QUALITIES THAT YOU HAVE, THE ONES THEY ARE LACKING, THAT THEY WILL NEVER HAVE
Keep Their Façade Intact
Narcissists often have a carefully constructed persona they present to the world. Hoovering is a way for the narcissist to prevent you from sharing their experiences with others and exposing their true nature.
Additionally, they might use hoovering tactics on your friends and family [or coworkers] to maintain a façade. Other people will have a hard time believing your accounts of their abusive and manipulative behavior because they “seem so nice” and “wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
Narcissists are not what they pretend to be. They are what they hide.
Please don't make the fatal mistake of believing you can "fix" a malignant narcissist by loving them more, by not doing what triggers them off.....they don't want to be fixed because they like what they are. They want to destroy you, feed off you, deplete you, and exhaust you!
If you're lucky enough to get away and leave a narcissist, you will probably find they act as though you've caused them severe injury. In their delusional head, they will be thinking, how dare you leave me, when I'm not done controlling, using, or abusing you. And because their ego will be damaged by the loss of their supply, be prepared to be slandered by lies and stories about you. They will share these fabricated stories and lies, to anyone who will listen, so they can be sure that they look like the victim. Don't let them get to you, hold your head up high and remember it doesn't matter what other people believe, because you were there, living the nightmare, so you know the truth.
The truth is, narcissistic parents don't have children because they want to nurture and guide their offspring through life; they have children so that they have an automatic, built-in relationship in which they have power, one in which the narcissist can write the rules without any checks and balances.
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME PEOPLE NEVER REALLY GROW. THEY NEVER LEARN THEIR LESSON. THEY NEVER RECOGNIZE THEIR MISTAKES. THEY NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FAULTS. THEY NEVER ADMIT THEY WERE IN THE WRONG. YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE AN APOLOGY FROM THEM, AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEIR BEHAVIOR CHANGE.
10 THINGS THAT DRIVE A NARCISSIST CRAZY!
• Not getting enough narcissistic supply
• People not believing they are an authority
• Your happiness
• Being ignored
• Having boundaries and limits imposed on them
• Being questioned
• Your successes
• When you refuse to be taken in by their charm/love bombing
• When you let go, rebuild your life, and begin to THRIVE
Some signs of hoovering include:
- Manipulation: The narcissist manipulates the victim back into the relationship against their will
- Twisting the conversation: The narcissist twists the conversation
- Declaration of love: The narcissist declares love
- Repentance: The narcissist apologizes, but the apology is qualifiers that show the narcissist still holds the victim responsible for their behavior
- Threatening to harm themselves: The narcissist threatens to harm themselves
- Using others: The narcissist tries to get other people to reach out to the victim on their behalf
- Excessive gifts: The narcissist sends the victim lavish or expensive gifts
- Overpromising: The narcissist promises to take the victim on an exotic vacation, buy their dream house, or even marry them
- False crises: The narcissist makes up some crisis or emergency, such as a health scare
Hoovering can cause the victim to lose confidence and start to question their self-worth. Eventually, the victim may recognize how toxic the relationship is and want out. This is the stage where hoovering typically comes in.
Here are some tips for overcoming hoovering:
If you mention their past behavior, let the gaslighting begin
Test the narcissist by expressing your valid reservations
Watch how quickly the narcissist turns on you
Hoovering is a manipulation tactic used to “suck” victims back into toxic relationship cycles.
Someone who hoovers fears that their target will “get away” from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crises, stalking, or smear campaigns in order to suck up all their target's time, energy, and attention.
"One of the most difficult things about being abused by a Malignant Narcissist is coming to terms with the fact that the person never really loved you or even cared about you at all.
Even though this is difficult, it is something you must face courageously, as thinking that they have real feelings will only lead you into a trap.
It is only when you face the truth that you can get out of the trap, no matter how hard the truth is to accept. When you're in love with a Malignant Narcissist, you are not in love with a real person; you're in love with the illusion that the Narcissist created for you.
The Narcissist puts on a front and acts like everything you want and need them to be until-
SURPRISE!!!
The Narcissist gets you where he or she wants you, then changes into a completely different person... cold, dismissive, hateful, mean, deceitful and unlovings It is quite shocking. It knocks you off balance. This is precisely what the Narcissist wants.
Jenna Ryan (Self Love U)
What does Hoovering Look Like?
Hoovering is similar to love bombing in that the person hoovering is attempting to exploit their victim’s vulnerabilities.
Narcissists are often skilled at knowing exactly what a person wants; they will aim to make their target feel special, loved, and valued to lure them back into the relationship or to re-establish control."
Unlike love-bombing, which tends to occur at the beginning of a relationship, hoovering happens after the devaluation or discard phase.
It is the narcissist’s way of getting back the attention, admiration, and control they feel they are losing. It typically occurs after the victim has attempted to distance themselves or end the relationship.
HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST!
Lies and Cheating
Excessive Need for Adoration
Excessive Need for Validation
Smear Campaign
Controlling
Possessiveness
Withholding
Intimidates
Inconsistent
Word Salads
Constant Drama
Creates Confusion
Financial Abuse
Double Standards
Jealous
Needs Constant
Emotional Abuse
Lacks Empathy
Emotionally Unavailable
No Remorse
No Conscience
Lacks Boundaries
Violates Boundaries
Isolates You
Disregard for Others
Not Accountable
Supply
Obsessed with Looks
Obsessed with Social Media
Stonewalling
Crazy Exes
Hoovers Exes
Future Faking
Unhealed Trauma
Energy Vampires
Addicts (sex/drugs)
CYCLE OF NARCISSIST ABUSE
1. Idealize
2. Devalue
3. Discard
4. Hoover
Empaths be like:
I don't just listen to your words. I listen to your use of words, your tone, your body movements, your eyes, your subtle facial expressions. I interpret your silences - I can hear everything you don't say in words.
Unknown
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST
Don't argue with them.
Don't engage with them.
Don't defend yourself.
Be indifferent.
Be grounded.
Be emotionless.
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.
The narcissist believes they are the authority that determines reality.
To them, your facts are meaningless, and your logic offensive.
Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power - not because they don't see it, but because they see it and they don't want it to exist.
Narcissistic Individuals Buy Into Their own Masks
Covert narcissists for example think they are really good people. They buy into their "humble demeanor" There is a delusional aspect to narcissism, there has to be for them to believe they are perfect or superior. They rationalize all the bad things they do. They find a way to blame you, or make it your fault, or believe you deserve it. That is how they could live with themselves. Especially covert narcissists, they can't imagine being looked at as anything other than wonderful people. -Maria Consiglio
A number one way narcissists control you is they teach you to doubt yourself. They gaslight you and literally trick you into thinking what you saw you didn't see, what you heard never happened, and what you're experiencing is an illusion, and not real. They do this so much that after a while you really start to doubt yourself. That is why your whole relationship feels like a perpetual state of confusion. That is exactly where they want you. They can't control a person who is strong in their conviction, so they keep you doubting yourself. It is a horrible and cruel way to not only control a person but to keep a person perpetually off balance and in a weakened state of mind.
A kind person will sense your fears and soothe them. A cruel person will target your fears and FEED them. Rose Gardner
Narcissists are not what they pretend to be. They are what they hide.
Dark Truth:
Emotion for a narcissist equates to fuel. They want to hear you getting irritated. They want to get you annoyed. They want your voice to rise and see the tears of frustration welling your eyes. When they see this, it makes them feel so powerful.
THEY ARE PREDATORS
They seek out compassionate, trusting good-hearted human beings, and then mimic those qualities. Like parasites, they are their strongest when they have a healthy host. And then slowly, they use their victim's love to destroy them from the inside out. But unlike parasites, they don't do this for survival. They do it for fun/entertainment in order to temporarily alleviate the twisted state of living in contempt, envy, and boredom.
The high narcissists get from hurting an innocent child is a hell of a lot more intense than the one they would get from targeting a world-weary adult. This is why narcissists stalk their own children; that and easy access. Malignant narcissistic parents also stalk their children's souls in order to be human extensions-to live vicariously through them. Either way; the malignant narcissist parent gains in the transaction of the child's soul. They drain the child (kill life in the child), and leave them hollow (without a self) so that they can fill the child with themselves: be it as a dumping ground for their own toxic waste; or a vessel to live their narcissistic fantasy through.
Narcissist v. Sociopath
A Narcissist sees others as a means to validate his existence. The less validating you are, the less use you are to a Narcissist.
A Sociopath views others as entertainment. The less entertaining you are, the less use you are to a Sociopath.
Both the Narcissist and the Sociopath need to dominate and control others. They will both exploit you with no remorse and have no conscience. My advice? Do not validate the Narcissist and do not entertain the Sociopath. Stay clear of them. Once they suck you in, it is hard to get away. Avoid them both at all costs and if they manage to bring you into their den, run like hell. Lisa E. Scott
What is Stonewalling?
• Dismissing your concerns or refusing to discuss an issue
• Dismissing your ideas and perspectives like they are invalid, stupid, unreasonable or boring
• Avoiding discussing or problem solving issues
• Busying themselves while you're trying to talk to them
• Avoiding eye contact, staring past you, or at their phone, watch or TV
• Acts as if you're unimportant and have nothing of value to say
• Ignoring you when you speak
• Eye rolling
Lisa E. Scott
Fortunately, some are born with spiritual immune systems that sooner or later give rejection to the illusory worldview grafted upon them from birth through social conditioning. They begin sensing that something is amiss, and start looking for answers. Inner knowledge and anomalous outer experiences show them a side of reality others are oblivious to, and so begins their journey of awakening. Each step of the journey is made by following the heart instead of following the crowd and by choosing knowledge over the veils of ignorance.
Henri Bergson
Depression is caused by the repressed emotions of the child you once were. And all addiction is a form of escapism... find the courage to face and resolve your childhood repression and you know true freedom that cannot be bought with money and cannot ever be stolen.
Evil vs Broken
Do not confuse a broken person for an evil person. A broken person can be fixed an evil person cannot. An evil person causes pain, they hurt others. They deliberately cause chaos. A broken person would never do any of those things because they know how it feels to be on the other side of those actions. Don't confuse someone who can be saved with someone that you will need to be saved from.
Empaths be like:
I don't just listen to your words. I listen to your use of words, your tone, your body movements, your eyes, your subtle facial expressions. I interpret your silences - I can hear everything you don't say in words. Unknown
Does the narcissist's description of YOU actually make a good description of the narcissist?
Welcome to the wonderful world of PROJECTION.
When conflict arises, we are able to let it go and move on. Narcissists must get revenge.
We trust in the good of all people. Narcissists believe everyone is just like them.
We like to help people feel good about themselves and feel relief when a conflict has been resolved. Narcissists like to fight.
We take responsibility when we've made a mistake. Narcissists blame everyone else. We enjoy being compassionate. Narcissists enjoy being manipulative.
Handle every situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away. :-)
Accept that the narcissist is what
he/she is. Narcissists are totally incapable
of love and deep connection. Nothing
you did or didn't do would have changed
the outcome. You were not loved for YOU as a person. You were viewed as an object and loved for your utility, not for your individuality. You were used for the perks you were able to provide. You were their human helium tank that maintained their inflated view of themselves. I know it sounds harsh, and it's a very painful realization to accept. But the acceptance of this fact is also the very thing that will accelerate your healing and set you free
"You are wasting your time if you are trying to reason with a narcissist. They will twist everything you say. They are not trying to understand you. They are trying to keep power over you."- Maria Consiglio
THE NEW TARGET ISN'T THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE. THEY ARE THE NEW SUPPLY. A NARCISSIST DOESN'T LOVE ANYONE. NOT YOU. NOT THE NEXT PERSON. NOT THE ONE BEFORE
A Narcissist can't allow others to see who AND what they really are - an empty dark, angry, repulsive, dangerous person who loathes life and people, as well as lacking ALL empathy, and morals, and is abusive. So, the Narcissist creates a highly likable, moral, good, and normal MASK/image that will procure them adulation, affirmation, and attention. Everything the Narcissist requires to survive and walk among the 'real' or 'normal' people. WHY, because they need the basic things that only 'functioning' human beings can provide BUT they can't, so they morph into one of us so they can 'harvest' what they need from people.
IDENTIFYING TOXIC PEOPLE
They are controlling. They have to have everything their way. And the only agenda they care about is their own. They don't take, "no" for an answer, unless they are manipulating you, or it will ultimately suit their purpose.
They are never wrong!- Even with evidence to the contrary, they will never admit to being wrong. And don't expect an apology from them. Their enormous ego would never even entertain that possibility.
They are draining. You feel depleted every time you are in their presence. Extremely selfish people are like vampires, they suck the life force right out of you.
They are deceptive- They sometimes come in the guise of being helpful and caring. They may even be helpful. But don't be fooled it always comes at a cost. Or they get some narcissistic pleasure from it. They love having their egos stoked, and being told, what great people they are. Meanwhile, if you do one thing they don't like they will bury you in an instant, without even a second thought.
They are liars They are the most deceptive people you will ever meet. Everything they do, everything they are is set up to deceive and fulfill their purpose.
"They are delusional They really believe their own lies. They even think they are great people. They have this innate ability to fool everyone including themselves." Maria Consiglio
Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have found the edge where their respect for you ends.
"Stop trying every which way to let a Narcissist know how you feel. The truth is they don't care how you feel. They are not interested in your feelings or how something affected you. They are only interested in getting their own feelings validated and getting their own needs met. Stop thinking they don't understand, they understand. They are just not interested. Your needs are not even a thought in their mind. A Narcissist's mind is not wired the same way. Their initial reaction is always me first, then me again and again." -Maria Consiglio
Malignant narcissism is a runaway freight train ride from childhood on, a vicious cycle of bad behavior that soon passes a point of no return - when you do something so evil that you'll never be able to get real and face your true self in a mirror. The things you do to trample others ("glorify" yourself) this way are abhorrent. People would abhor you if they knew. Indeed, you would abhor yourself if you faced facts about what you have become. So, don't expect an adult narcissist to change. It ain't gonna happen.
FUNNY HOW THE PEOPLE WHO DESPERATELY WANT TO CHANGE YOU ARE THE LEAST LIKELY TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES.
A NARCISSIST WILL NEVER BE WILLING TO CHANGE. THEY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE PERFECT AND THAT IT'S THE WORLD AROUND THEM THAT MUST CATER TO THEM.
VULTURES
Beware of opportunistic people who suddenly appear when your life is falling apart. Disguised as good samaritans, they eagerly offer advice and assistance. In reality, they are there to pick the meat off your bones.
"The further society moves away from the truth, the more it hates those who reveal it." George Orwell
SOCIETY HAS BECOME SO FAKE THAT THE TRUTH ACTUALLY BOTHERS PEOPLE.
"THE TRUTH ABOUT OUR CHILDHOOD IS STORED UP IN OUR BODY, AND ALTHOUGH WE CAN REPRESS IT, WE CAN NEVER ALTER IT. OUR INTELLECT CAN BE DECEIVED, OUR FEELINGS MANIPULATED, AND CONCEPTIONS CONFUSED, AND OUR BODY TRICKED WITH MEDICATION. BUT SOMEDAY OUR BODY WILL PRESENT ITS BILL, FOR IT IS AS INCORRUPTIBLE AS A CHILD, WHO, STILL WHOLE IN SPIRIT, WILL ACCEPT NO COMPROMISES OR EXCUSES, AND IT WILL NOT STOP TORMENTING US UNTIL WE STOP EVADING THE TRUTH!" - ALICE MILLER
If we do not work on all three levels body, feeling, mind -- the symptoms of our distress will keep returning, as the body goes on repeating the story stored in its cells until it is finally listened to and understood. -- Alice Miller
Emotional access to the truth is the indispensable precondition of healing. Alice Miller
We don't yet know, above all, what the world might be like if children were to grow up without being subjected to humiliation if parents would respect them and take them seriously as people. Alice Miller
Want to meet someone who has seen evil in human form and actually became stronger through the experience? Want to talk to someone who has wisdom beyond their years? Want to see what inner resiliency looks like in a person? Spend some time with a survivor of narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse. They are some of the most sparkly gems I have ever known. Shannon Thomas
