Sunday, March 22, 2015

Forgiveness is a Trap

Comments on the Stop the Narcissist Now’s Facebook page photo.


Recently I was the target of a mob of sociopaths or narcissists at my work and because of it, I lost my job of 9 and half years. A coworker that is very religious started to preach to me how I needed to forgive them for the harm they have caused me. I left his presence feeling sick to my stomach because he was discarding my hurt feelings and repressing me with his preaching about forgiveness. I felt so nauseous that I just wanted to throw up. Read more here.
Preaching forgiveness is another form of abuse that keeps us stuck in their emotional prisons. You have to allow yourself to feel all of your authentic feelings caused by the trauma we suffered from the sociopaths/narcissists. Feelings don't cause harm to ourselves or others, only actions can cause harm, but the repression of our authentic feelings will harm us and keeps us stuck in the emotional prison. Forgiveness is a lid that represses our feelings and as long as our feelings are repressed we stay stuck.

Just as Alice Miller wrote: They work under the influence of various interpretations culled from both Western and Oriental religions, which preach forgiveness to the once-mistreated child. Thereby, they create a new vicious circle for people who, from their earliest years, have been caught in the vicious circle of pedagogy. This, they refer to as "therapy". In so doing, they lead them into a trap from which there is no escape, the same trap that once rendered their natural protests impossible, thus causing the illness in the first place. Because such therapists, caught as they are in the pedagogic system, cannot help patients to resolve the consequences of the traumatization they have suffered, they offer them traditional morality instead. In recent years I have been sent many books from the United States of America describing different kinds of therapeutic intervention by authors with whom I am not familiar. Many of these authors presume that forgiveness is an indispensable condition for successful therapy. This notion appears to be so widespread in therapeutic circles that it is not always called into question - something urgently needed. For forgiveness does not resolve latent hatred and self-hatred but can cover them up in a very dangerous way. “ Alice Miller Read more here
The words below by Alice Miller about forgiveness are also very true. From my experience admitting the truth is a must, but we must also feel the whole range of our repressed emotions within the context of our own childhood, otherwise, the compulsion to repeat or reenact our childhood drama will continue endless one way or another. “…preaching forgiveness is not only hypocritical and futile but also actively dangerous. It masks the compulsion to repeat. The only thing that can protect us from repetition is the admission of the truth, with all its implications. Once we know as accurately as possible what our parents did to us, we are no longer in danger of repeating their misdeeds. Otherwise, we will do so automatically, and with all the tenacity at our disposal, we will resist the idea that we can---and indeed must---break off our infant attachment to parents who abused us if we want to become adults and live of our own in peace. We must give up the confusion we lived in as infants, the confusion stemming from early attempts to understand abuse and give it a meaning. As adults we can do that; we can learn to understand how morality in therapy gets in the way of the healing of the wounds we carry around inside us.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting” by Alice Miller page 152.