After mother's day here is an interesting article on parents whose misery may have destroyed the happiness of their children. A subject rarely talked if they commit something shocking majority just struggle to get through life as adults after miserable childhoods. Depressions, anxieties, panic attacks, anger bursts, and a host of other dysfunctions. Worth reading.
Sylvie Imelda Shene might want to take note. Her book
'A Dance to Freedom' is relevant to the subject.
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The Debt: When terrible, abusive parents come crawling back, what do their grown children owe them?" By
Emily Yoffe
Martine: Thank you very much Monica Chelagat for sharing! So true and comforting that more and more feeling human beings question the reality of their real childhood and don't fall for the forgiveness and 4th commandment BS imposed by religious beliefs. I always say that the opposite of Love is not Hate but Indifference. If you truly understand the dynamic of any relationship, starting with the relationship with your own self, the emotions and feelings are much clearer. To know that there are millions of us out there can be comforting but it also means that our society is extremely ill. Just like Sylvie, I have very little hope for Humanity.
Monica: It is amazing how simple the logic is but it is equally amazing the level of total lack of insight in many people to SEE this. I am a mother and like Alice Miller I did not give enough importance on the essentials of what a mother is, starting with leaving small children with people you do not know well like baby sitter, toxic relatives, toxic teachers. Of course, in the mix there are good people if one is lucky. There is a lot to be aware of apart from one's own blind spots as a parent. All you can do 'if the damage is done' is give them all the support by not hindering as adults to find their way into full consciousness of their own childhood. Understanding humanity is a fascinating subject even with all the pain in those who were unfortunate and suffered abuse and neglect but are struggling to resolve the consequences. Happy to read you Martine.
Very good article and comments! Thank you for sharing, Monica and Martine! Yes it's amazing how simple it is and it's amazing how difficult is for most people to find the courage to open their eyes to see and feel these fundamental truths! The repressed fear of the child they once were of the next beating by the parents can keep people stuck and sick forever. As I share the very truthful words by Alice Miller in my book A Dance to Freedom, page 126 and 127: "Alice Miller writes that “even smart people become stuck in confusion for years if the "healers’ demand from them the same as the parents did from the child: to stay blind, to forgive, to make amends, not to make troubles. The fear of the parents, stored up in the body, can make a person obedient and sick forever. I hope that you can overcome this fear by seeing through the hypocrisy of your helpers.”62 “It is a great mistake to imagine that one can resolve traumas in a symbolic fashion,” Alice Miller writes in The Drama of the Gifted Child. “If that were possible, poets, painters, and other artists would be able to resolve their pain through creativity. This is not the case, however. Creativity helps us channel the pain of trauma into symbolic acts; it doesn’t help us resolve it. If symbolic revenge for maltreatment received in childhood were effective, then dictators would eventually stop humiliating and torturing their fellow human beings. As long as they choose to deceive themselves about who really deserves their hatred, however, and as long as they go on feeding that hatred in symbolic form instead of experiencing and resolving it within the context of heir own childhood, their hunger for revenge will remain insatiable.”63
Sylvie: Monica, I always wonder what the pain might be like for a mother to realize that because of her blind spots caused by her own childhood traumas was not able to be the mother her children needed and how it has affected their childhood and adult lives. Your honesty in these words is very touching: "I am a mother and like Alice Miller I did not give enough importance on the essentials of what a mother is, starting with leaving small children with people you do not know well like baby sitter, toxic relatives, toxic teachers. Of course, in the mix there are good people if one is lucky. There is a lot to be aware of apart from one's own blind spots as a parent. All you can do 'if the damage is done' is give them all the support by not hindering as adults to find their way into full consciousness of their own childhood." I was wondering if you have read my blog The Pain of a Mother?
Monica: Thank you Sylvie on the above comment. It deserves an extensive response. In brief, as a mother your pains are multiple, your children's and your own. The former prevails. You learn to forgive yourself because you realise you were unconcious when you made the mistakes but do not expect your children to forgive you if they have not resolved. They might reach acceptance of their situations and progressively heal usually forgiveness is a consequence of resolution then may get closer as they realise you are doing your best to 'make up' and were not harmed out of deliberate neglect for example if one had to work or simply ignorant at the time. They freely and safely express their anger or what they think no matter how unpleasant. The process can be very tough it requires rnergy and patience. Communication is genuine. Blocks may persist but as time passes they reduce. Overall the quality of relating is pretty relaxed too and enjoy good relationship. It is also sad to know that things will never be as if nothing happened. You mourn and get on but at least one is realbin pain and happiness. No psychiatrist or psychologist can the job better than yourself. More soon and ha a good day!