"Those children who are beaten will, in turn, give beatings, those who are intimidated will be intimidating, those who are humiliated will impose humiliation, and those whose souls are murdered will murder.
...Children who are lectured to, learn how to lecture; if they are admonished, they learn how to admonish; if scolded, they learn how to scold; if ridiculed, they learn how to ridicule; if humiliated, they learn how to humiliate; if their psyche is killed, they will learn how to kill--the only question is who will be killed: oneself, others, or both." -- Alice Miller above excerpt from Pedagogy Fills the Needs of Parents, Not of Children.
From the book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2011/01/pedagogy-fills-needs-of-parents-not-of.html?m=1
"Morality and performance of duty are artificial measures that become necessary when something essential is lacking.
The more successfully a person was denied access to his or her feelings in childhood, the larger the arsenal of intellectual weapons and the supply of moral prostheses has to be, because morality and a sense of duty are not sources of strength or fruitful soil for genuine affection.
Blood does not flow in artificial limbs; they are for sale and can serve many masters.
What was considered good yesterday can---depending on the decree of government or party---be considered evil and corrupt today, and vice versa. But those who have spontaneous feelings can only be themselves.
They have no other choice if they want to remain true to themselves. Rejection, ostracism, loss of love, and name-calling will not fail to affect them; they will suffer as a result and will dread them, but once they have found their authentic self they will not want to lose it. And when they sense that something is being demanded of them to which their whole being says no, they cannot do it. They simply cannot."
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2011/06/where-there-is-no-love-there-must-be.html
"The Victim is Cornered
During the ascendancy of control phase, the emotional abuser essentially acted to inhibit his victim’s powers of reasoning and critical judgment. In the next phase, through a strategic series of commands, he provokes feelings, acts, and reactions.
If the opponent can “outdo” his rival in abusive defense strategies, the battle can only end in the surrender of the less perverse of the two.
The abuser tries to make the victim act against him so he can denounce her as “evil.” What’s crucial is that she seems responsible for what happened. He uses a weakness---a depressive, hysterical, or temperamental tendency--- over-exaggerates this trait, and then leads the victim on to discredit herself. Pushing the other into making mistakes allows the abuser to criticize and tear her down, but even more, reinforces her poor self-image and guilt.
When the victim loses control, the abuser simply injects a small dose of provocation and contempt to obtain a reaction and later reproaches her for it. If, for example, the reaction is anger, he makes sure that everyone sees it. On occasion, an outsider might even feel compelled to call the police. One even sees cases of abusers egging their victims on: “poor thing, you can’t expect anything from life; I don’t know why you haven’t jumped out the window!” It’s easy after that for the abuser to make the victim a mental case.
The victim needs to act, but because she is blocked by the hold over her, she can only find her freedom in an extreme gesture. To an outsider, any impulsive action, especially a violent one, is considered pathological. The person's reaction to provocation seems responsible for the crises. Guilt in the eyes of the abuser; she appears like the aggressor to outsiders, who don’t understand that she can no longer live trapped in a horrible situation. Whatever she does, she can’t set herself free: if she reacts, she is responsible for starting the conflict, and if she doesn’t react, the deadly stalking of her soul continues.
While the victim dwells on her guilt, the abuser benefits from the situation, making sure to cast himself as the victim.
Justification becomes impossible when nothing is said and no reproach is made. Desperate to find a solution to this horrifying impasse, the victim may be tempted in turn to use innuendo and manipulation. The relationship then becomes ambiguous: who is the abuser and who is the victim.
As he drives his victim to destruction, the abuser gets that much more pleasure from pointing out her weakness or unleashing her violence. He makes her feel debased and unworthy. Depending on her reaction, she is described as temperamental and neurotic, alcoholic, or suicidal. The victim feels defenseless and tries to justify herself as if she were, in fact, guilty. The abuser’s pleasure doubles: he bamboozles or humiliates his victim and subsequently rubs her nose in her humiliation.
The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.
His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.
All abusers, sexual or emotional, try to drag others into their orbit and distort the rules. Their destructive capability depends on the propaganda they disseminate among victims’ families, friends, and associates, showing to what extent the victims are “evil” and that it is, therefore, normal to blame them. Sometimes they succeed and seduce allies by ridiculing and scorning moral values. Not leading others into a circle of violence means failure for abusers and, therefore, becomes the only way to stop the spread of the abusive process."
From the book Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie –France Hirigoyen page, 120, 121, and 122
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