Shame is a common theme in narcissistic relationships, both for the narcissist and their partner:
Narcissists may have a chronic state of shame that they are unable to regulate. They may cope with shame by blaming others, avoiding facing it, or constructing a false personality.
Narcissists and their partners
Narcissists may target people who are insecure or have low self-esteem, and they may create situations to make their partners feel shame. This can put the narcissist in a position of control in the relationship.
People in narcissistic relationships may feel shame for staying in the relationship, especially if it ends. They may feel ashamed for being in an unhealthy relationship, or because other people seem to have healthy relationships.
Some signs of a narcissistic partner who is playing the "shame game" include: Isolation, References to shameful events, and Blame.
Psychotherapist Joseph Burgo says that intense shame in early life can lead to narcissism.
The narcissist's unacknowledged shame often leads to their displays of shamelessness, lack of compassion, rage, and entitled grandiosity. Always the narcissist's shame is linked to the trauma they have experienced as children.
To avoid these shameful feelings and escape from the grip of shame, the child looks to get some control over their lives in other ways. For example, the child may glean control through perfectionism, grandiosity, power, attention, etc., all of which leads to the manifestation of the narcissist’s “God complex”, where they feel superior to everybody else
As Alice Miller wrote in the answers below to one of her readers:
"I am also glad that you have the hope that we can pass on our knowledge to the masses. I had this hope 30 years ago when I wrote the Drama. I thought that showing the truth can change so much. Meanwhile, I became more skeptical or just more impatient after I discovered the fear of the beaten child in all of us that built up the omnipresent resistance against the truth." Alice Miller
(Me too I had the hope with the writing of my book would help pass this knowledge to the masses, but like Alice Miller, I have become skeptical and with the writing of my book I too learned that people's repressed fears at their parents build omnipresent resistance against the truth. And people rather destroy others than face and consciously feel their own repressed fears to see the truth. And this is why I have been harassed, prosecuted, and ostracized since I can remember and in the workplace by very bad players since I published my book. I understand people's fears of their childhood pain that have been trying to keep repressed all of their lives, but it is still disappointing that pretty much everyone I meet doesn't have the courage to face their fears and become real)
Very well said. But sadly unless most people find the courage to open their eyes to see and feel their painful truths -- no matter what anyone says or does -- it will not change the course of humanity to an abyss. I wish Oprah were not in the video because I'm not a fan. Oprah's life career has been a cult leader promoter.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=oprah
Interesting
Yes, that's what they do
Don't engage with them and walk away that's the only way to win.
Resolving our childhood repression is the vaccine against narcissists. A coworker who I believe is a covert narcissist once told me that she didn't care for me, and I responded calmly that I didn't care for her either, but I should have said also that coming from her I take it as a compliment.
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