This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Most of my readers follow my blog anonymously. But over a half million people have visited my blog!
Over half a million people know that I exist!
I thank all those who have bought a copy of my book. You all helped me stay afloat when I was between jobs because of being targeted by malignant narcissists in the workplace.
I'm hoping my book has inspired you to develop the courage and strength to leave the emotional prison of your childhood and do your emotional work, which is the most essential work in a person's life.
Once we are emotionally free, we can no longer be manipulated by malignant narcissists or evil people.
Me too! I have given up on humanity. I consider myself divorced from humanity. I will still be kind and helpful to every being, human or not, that crosses my path, but I will be very careful who I let close to me.
I, too, am okay with one person at a time, but the bigger the group, the more dangerous it becomes, and that's why I don't join groups of any kind.
This type of narcissism is the most dangerous. I was involved with one for 10 long years. Now, I see the red flags right away, and I don’t let myself be manipulated by them, so I cut ties right away. A female coworker I worked with recently played this game very well. I would not have survived her in the workplace without seeing it clearly.
Yes, he is hurting, and he lacks the courage to be still to consciously face and feel his repressed painful emotions. So, instead, he is unconscious and compulsively looking for scapegoats.
Yes, they know what they are doing, mainly if they have acquired intellectual knowledge in psychology. They become authentic monsters. Unfortunately, I have helped create a few of these monsters by sharing freely with some malignant narcissists close to me my psychological discoveries.
While narcissists may be aware of their actions, due to a lack of self-awareness and empathy, they often don't fully understand the negative impact their behavior has on others, meaning they may not fully grasp the harmful nature of their actions, even if they are consciously engaging in them; essentially, they "know what they are doing" but may not recognize the moral implications of their behavior.
Key points to consider:
Lack of self-awareness:
Narcissists often lack the necessary introspection to fully recognize their own behavior as problematic or harmful to others.
Distorted perception:
Their inflated sense of self-importance can lead to a skewed perception of their actions, justifying their behavior as appropriate or even necessary.
Manipulation and strategy:
While they may be aware of their manipulative tactics, they often rationalize them as necessary to achieve their goals.
I'm not mad, I'm done;
I'm not mad; I'm done. That's what people don't understand; I'm not mad at anyone; I'm just done. Done dealing with situations that rob me of my peace.
I'm done dealing with people who don't love me as I love them. Don't try as hard as I try, and don't put in the effort that I put in.
I'm just done. That's it.
Yes, they are corrupted to the core. Some lie by staying silent or by omission by not sharing information that could be helpful to others. They are liars by omission. I know someone who tells you that she doesn't lie, but she is just as much of a liar as the people she accuses of lying.
They don't feel safe and secure by themselves. And they don't trust themselves. The people we need to trust the most are ourselves, not others.
Yep!
Yep! That's why you have to leave and do your emotional work so these malignant people who all want your destruction can never again enter into your life.
Yes, narcissists are like toddlers in adult bodies, endlessly stuck in the emotional prison of their childhood with people standing in, symbolizing their parents or childhood caregivers.
Yep, once we learn to swim in the deep end of our childhood traumas -- can never again narcissists be able to manipulate us -- and gain power over us. Humanity is like a big ocean; some parts of the human ocean are hazardous. Most people think freedom is to swim upwards by standing in other people's heads. But true freedom is to swim horizontally and around dangerous waters or malignant/evil people towards the beach of the human ocean. Suppose you swim upwards by standing in the heads of others. In that case, if people below wake up and decide to let go, those on the top standing in the heads of others will freefall to the bottom of the human ocean. I'm safe at the beach of the human sea, watching most humans fight to step on the heads of others to get to the top! It's very sad to witness. You will be amazed how little money you need when you are happy and free and on the beach of the human ocean. I still need to go into the big human ocean to fish for resources, and sometimes, I do encounter rough waters or malignant/evil people, but now I am a master at swimming around it and not being swallowed by these black holes or evil energy. Soon, I will retire and no longer need to go out into the big human ocean. Right now, I'm in the safe waters of the human ocean, which are very pleasant and calm, so I might keep fishing and postpone my retirement a little longer.
Yep
Yep!
"Children of Narcissistic parents who don't become extreme narcissists themselves but become highly sensitive, honest, and intuitive are some of the strongest people to walk this earth. Their entire life is often devoted to healing wounds they never asked for.
Narcissists think they can do whatever they want and don't have to follow rules. They think they are Above the Law and Above God. You, on the other hand, are expected to follow the rules. Double standards. This is their way to suppress you and maintain complete control.
Covert Female Narcissists seek out partners whom they perceive as superior to themselves in various aspects, such as physical appearance, financial status, and other traits. Although this may enhance their public image and reputation, it reinforces their inner insecurities and fear of abandonment. As a result, they tend to undermine your self-confidence and self-worth to prevent you from realizing your true value and seeking a better partner.
Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths set people up for failure. They enjoy trying to prove a victim wrong and embarrassing them.
Example? A psychologically abusive person will intentionally give incorrect information, stand back to watch the victim take the bait (lie), and then mock, shame, criticize, and abuse the victim for doing the "wrong" thing. This is done to bring further validity to the smear campaign they have going and to make the toxic person look like they are the one being harmed. Toxic people will go to elaborate lengths to set up a victim -Shannon Thomas (yes, they do!)
Narcissists don't marry for love, connection, or partnership-they marry for control. To them, a spouse isn't a companion but a carefully chosen target: a slave to serve their endless demands, a scapegoat for their inner hatred. Marriage becomes their stage, where they can degrade, manipulate, and siphon your energy to fuel their fragile sense of superiority. It's not about building a life together but building a throne where they reign, and you are there to serve and obey. -Jill Wise ( (That's what happens in many families around the world! As the family is, so is the rest of the world! As we constantly witness malignant narcissists being elected into the highest office)
5. Deflect and bring up your own wrongdoings, making it about you.
6. Create a smear campaign, twisting the facts before you can tell the truth.
7. Turn everything around and blame you, getting angry at you or being upset with them.
8. Punish you for calling them out (silent treatment, etc.).
No matter how pleasant a toxic person may behave for a short period of time, they will almost always return to their baseline abusive behaviors. ANDY WARHOL
Walk away when :
• They think you're arguing every time you express yourself
• They dismiss, minimize, or invalidate you
• They are committed to misunderstanding you
• They shame you when speaking your heart & mind
• They gaslight, stonewall, or manipulate you
• They are indifferent to your presence in their life
• They are unwilling to show empathy when you are vulnerable
While not always outwardly apparent, narcissists often live in fear, primarily fearing rejection, exposure of their true self, and the loss of their carefully constructed image, which stems from a deep-seated insecurity about their self-worth and a vulnerability to feeling inadequate or unlovable.
Key points about narcissists and fear:
Fear of rejection:
This is often considered the narcissist's greatest fear, as it threatens their inflated sense of self and can trigger feelings of worthlessness.
Fear of exposure:
Covert narcissists especially fear the moment their facade is broken, revealing their perceived flaws to others.
Fear of criticism:
Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism, even minor negative feedback, which can be perceived as a personal attack.
Fear of losing control:
They often use manipulation tactics to maintain control over situations and people, as losing control can trigger anxiety.
Yep!
Yes, they have a malicious intent. It's all about control and having power over you.
Yes, I have survived more than once! I know they are enraged, and it drives them mad. They all can kiss my a$$.
Yes, only when it serves them. No, they are no relationship material.
Yes, they go from bad to worse.
Congratulations to this young man for finding the courage to open his eyes to see and feel. Yes, don't let others exploit your unresolved repressed anger.
Alice Miller explains beautifully in her book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence, pages 42 and 43: "Just as in the symbiosis of the "diaper stage," there is no separation here of subject and object. If the child learns to view corporal punishment as "a necessary measure" against "wrongdoers," then as an adult he will attempt to protect himself from punishment by being obedient and will not hesitate to cooperate with the penal system. In a totalitarian state, which is a mirror of his upbringing, this citizen can also carry out any form of torture or persecution without having a guilty conscience. His "will" is completely identical to that of the government.
Now that we have seen how easy it is for intellectuals in a dictatorship to be corrupted, it would be a vestige of aristocratic snobbery to think that only "the uneducated masses" are susceptible to propaganda. Both Hitler and Stalin had a surprisingly large number of enthusiastic followers among intellectuals. Our capacity to resist has nothing to do with our intelligence but the degree of access to our true selves. Indeed, intelligence is capable of innumerable rationalizations when it comes to the matter of adaptation. Educators have always known this and have exploited it for their own purposes, as the following proverb suggests: "The clever person gives in, the stupid one balks."
For example, we read in a work on child raising by Grünwald (1899): "I have never yet found willfulness in an intellectually advanced or exceptionally gifted child" (quoted in Rutschky). Such a child can, in later life, exhibit extraordinary acuity in criticizing the ideologies of his opponents--and in puberty, even the views of his own parents-- because, in these cases, his intellectual powers can function without impairment.
Only within a group--such as one consisting of adherents of an ideology or a theoretical school--that represents the early family situation will this person, on occasion, still display a naïve submissiveness and uncritical attitude that completely believes his brilliance in other situations. Here, tragically, his early dependence upon tyrannical parents is preserved, a dependence that--in keeping with the program of "poisonous pedagogy"--goes undetected. This explains why Martin Heidegger, for example, who had no trouble breaking with traditional philosophy and leaving behind the teachers of his adolescence, was not able to see the contradictions in Hitler's ideology that should have been obvious to someone of his intelligence. He responded to this ideology with an infantile fascination and devotion that brooked no criticism.”
a political leader who seeks support by appealing to the desires and prejudices of ordinary people rather than by using rational arguments.
"a gifted demagogue with particular skill in manipulating the press"
Similar:
rabble-rouser
political agitator
agitator
soapbox orator
firebrand
troublemaker
incendiary
tub-thumper
verb
US
rhetoricallyexploit (an issue) for political purposes in a way calculated to appeal to the desires and prejudices of ordinary people.
"he seems more interested in demagoguing the issue in media interviews than in dialogue."
I had one recently make a false report, but it all blew up in her face. And now she's gone and I'm still standing.
Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction. Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional tolerance. You gotta train your boundaries to be stronger than your soft heart and your mind to be stronger than your feelings. Otherwise, you'll be drained. So be kind and take no shit.
"A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can get its boots on!"
Real Evil is not something that everyone can recognize.
Real Evil is the one that can manipulate 95% of the people into believing that it's a victim and can provoke these 95% to destroy those 5% who can see and understand its reality.
If you’re not attached to these 10 things, you’ve mastered the art of letting go
Letting go isn’t easy.
It’s messy, emotional, and sometimes feels impossible — but it’s also one of the most freeing things you’ll ever do.
We hold onto so much: expectations, fears, old wounds, and even identities we’ve outgrown. It’s human nature to cling to what feels familiar, even when it’s holding us back.
But here’s the truth: mastering the art of letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring — it means you stop carrying the weight of things you can’t control.
Here’s a list of 10 things — if you’re not attached to them, you’re well on your way to mastering the art of letting go.
1) Material possessions
We live in a world that constantly pushes us towards accumulating more. More clothes, more gadgets, more furniture, more of everything.
But have you ever stopped to ask why?
The truth is, material possessions don’t bring lasting happiness.
Sure, that new phone might give you a temporary thrill, but the excitement fades quickly. And then you’re left wanting the next best thing.
Letting go of the need to constantly acquire new things can be liberating. It frees up mental space, reduces stress, and allows you to focus on what truly matters.
If you’ve mastered the ability to not attach your worth or happiness to material possessions, congratulations! You’ve taken a significant step towards mastering the art of letting go.
2) Past mistakes
Our brains have a tendency to replay past mistakes over and over, like a bad movie on repeat.
This is actually a cognitive process known as rumination, and it can be highly destructive to our mental health.
Ruminating on past mistakes keeps us stuck in a cycle of guilt and regret. It prevents us from moving forward and can even lead to mental health issues like depression and anxiety.
The key is to learn from our past mistakes, not dwell on them.
That’s why I think that if you’ve managed to let go of past mishaps and use them as stepping stones for growth, you’ve mastered a crucial aspect of letting go.
3) Approval of others
I remember a time when the opinions of others used to hold a lot of power over me.
From my choice of clothes to my career, I was constantly seeking validation from the people around me.
One day, I asked myself, “Why?” Why was I giving other people so much control over my life?
That’s when I realized, it wasn’t their approval I needed, but my own.
Letting go of the need for other’s approval is an uphill battle, but it’s one worth fighting.
It allows you to live authentically, make decisions that align with your values, and ultimately lead to a deeper sense of self-worth.
4) Fear of the unknown
Change can be scary.
Whether it’s a big move, a new job, or even a new relationship, the fear of the unknown can often hold us back from taking the leap.
But here’s the thing — life is unpredictable. There will always be uncertainties and things we can’t control.
Learning to embrace the unknown rather than fear it is a true mark of mastering the art of letting go. It means you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone and face whatever comes your way with courage and resilience.
5) The need for control
It’s a natural instinct to want control over our lives.
We want to know what’s going to happen next and how things will turn out. But life doesn’t work that way, and sometimes, things don’t go according to plan.
Learning to let go of the need for control can be one of the most liberating experiences. It allows you to accept that there are things beyond your control and to find peace in the midst of uncertainty.
Thus, those who aren’t attached to having control over every aspect of their life are certainly mastering the art of letting go.
6) Old grudges
Holding onto old grudges is like carrying a heavy backpack everywhere you go — it weighs you down and prevents you from moving freely.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a gift you give to yourself.
It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning someone else’s actions. Instead, it’s about letting go of the resentment and pain that’s holding you back.
And having managed to let go of old grudges and forgive not just others, but also yourself, is a beautiful testament to your capacity for compassion and understanding.
To read the whole article, click in the link below:
Yep! Some can take over 20 years to show their true colors, but I see behind the mask so when they decide to show me their true colors I'm not too surprised.
No, they don't. Walk away and let them be. Cut your losses and grieve your losses if you want to be free.
Yes, the first person they gaslight is themselves, and then everyone else that crosses their path
Yes, that's exactly what they do. Don't chase after them. Take this opportunity to walk away and stay away.
Yep!
No, they don't get it. To corrupt others to be like them is their goal. Walk away from these people, family or not.
This is why I survived a psychological warfare at my job of nine and a half years in 2015.
"The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. TO CORRUPT IS THE ULTIMATE GOAL"
I was in this type of relationship with some members of my family and for a long 10 years with an ex-boyfriend. I liberated myself in the year 2000. Now the moment I notice someone playing this dirty game. I'm out.
Yes, that's what they do to keep you exactly where they want you to be. Now when someone tries to do this to me I just move on and put them in my rearview mirror.
Yep, recently a narcissist I worked with hit a car in front of her and damaged her new car right away! She blamed the person in front of her for slowing down too quickly. She doesn't realize that she is responsible for paying attention and keeping a safe distance from the car in front of her to give her enough time to break if necessary.
Yep. I'm done hitting my head against people's walls. The moment I notice a person is starting to play mind games with me, I'm out. I have learned to walk away from anyone who lacks the courage to open their eyes to see and feel their painful truths.
Very true. Without humility, you are fxcked because if you are not open for feedback you are not growing and forever you will be stuck in childhood. Eventually, reality is just going to chew you up.
Professor Vaknin is making a good analysis. I feel sorry for all narcissists.
There are some good comments on this vedio
Humility is missing in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is like they are imprisoned in their mind without access to a real heart.
"Narcissists can be intelligent but never wise "The absolute truth is that being wise requires true deep introspection, which is a big lack in NPDs
I read James Fallon's book "The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist's Personal Journey Into the Dark Side of the Brain", he talked about how children should be diagnosed so that they don't grow up to be such bloodthirsty psychopaths that we learn about later on from the front pages of newspapers that end up in prisons. He also talked about how he thought psychopaths would be great for leadership positions. While reading the book, I felt overwhelmed by his grandiosity and felt that not all the things he said were the intentions he described.
I always had this idea in my head that people who want to go into politics should have MRI/PET scans of the brain to rule out those with personality disorders - as history has always shown that people who led various wars were people with personality disorders. Just like today, people with visual impairments shouldn't drive cars, as a form of protection against serious accidents. However, I hear other voices that it would be unethical.
As for Elon Musk (enfj), seeing how he treats his children as objects (even strange names like technological products), I don't hope he will treat other people better. His son's identity disorder didn't come out of nowhere but from the lack of parents who could take care of the child's emotions. Very sad. Living in Poland, we have a prime minister who in my opinion is a psychopath (also a la Ted Bundy 's facial expressions and an entp), so every country has some cross to bear. Under the guise of moral things, he introduces his own laws. The same will happen with Elon. And he already did it with his son, saying that the WOKE ideology destroyed his son, instead of admitting to his own mistakes
It’s not going to end well with Elon and Trump. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Unfortunately, there are 334 million passengers...
Human beings are great at creating illusions. And the sharper their intellect is, the bigger the illusions they create. When it comes to humanity, nothing ever is what it seems.
Alice Miller: You write: “My main point in the allegory is that by necessity none of us are passengers anymore. Everybody’s crew.”I agree with you. But to become aware of the fact that our obedience learned in childhood doesn’t allow us to think freely needs probably more than many hundred years. I am not sure if the tortured planet leaves us the necessary time to understand this fact, to protest against it, and to become a conscious, responsible member of the crew."
That's why I get constantly targeted by them because the moment they know I see right through them I get a target on my back. They hate the existence of seeing and feeling people like me. I'm in a minority group that's for sure.
So true.
As the saying goes... when something is too good to be true it is because it's too good to be true!
These words by Alice Miller could not be truer: "...like every psychopath, not at all interested in understanding himself, only in controlling, misleading and manipulating others. ..."
Very true. They are very cheap! They hate spending their money.
Once they show you who they really are and that they are choosing darkness walk away and let them be to meet their own future and destiny.
Yes, I have the power to walk away and stay away. That's real power!
Yep! It's insane. We are the crop! Eventually, they will take everyone around them down with them
7 - Without Truth, there can be no Help
A great deal of understanding is shown for an unemployed father who beats his children. There is no problem understanding an overburdened executive who does the same thing, especially when he is irritated by his wife. The wife also meets with understanding when she can't help beating her child after the milk boils over. Page, 130
The Jungian doctrine of the shadow and the notion that evil is the reverse of good are aimed at denying the reality of evil. But evil is real. It is not innate but acquired, and it is never the reverse of good but rather its destroyer. Page, 142
Evil people Our knowledge cannot alter them. They can change only if they sense, not merely intellectually but with their feelings, how they have been turned into evil people. Only then will they be able to remove the blockages and, by experiencing the blocked pain, liberate the abused child who had to wish to harm anyone on coming into the world, the child who wanted love but found no one to make that possible for him. All he found was barbed wire and walls on all sides, and he believed this to be the world. When he grew up he built gigantic worlds full of walls and barbed wire, or complicated philosophical and psychological systems, in the hope and expectation of receiving love in return, the love he never received from his parents when he was an 'unworthy life. Page, 143 https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=banished+knowledge+
Yep! I see people connected all the time by fear, hatred, and money, but seldom do I see people connected by love.
Yes, malignant covert narcissists are the most dangerous.
Yep! Because they are too afraid to walk away and be alone to do their emotional work to resolve their own childhood repression, so they become like the people they grew up with and hated so much.
Yep! They can't survive on their own no matter how much money the narcissist has... They constantly need a scapegoat or a poison container for projection or transference effect to temporarily and superficially alleviate their unresolved childhood repression.
Very true!
Yep! I'm so glad there are no narcissists in my life right now, it's so peaceful. I don't make a good supply so they don't want me in their lives. If they had their wishes I would be in jail, mental hospital, or dead. They hate the existence of people like me. The existence of people like me ruins the wicked, evil manipulative games they play to exploit the emotionally blind people in this world.
No, it's not my job.
With my book and all my writings, I give people the map and keys to liberate themselves, if they ever find the courage to do their emotional work --- the most important work in a person's lifetime --- Andleave the emotional prison of their childhood, as the quote below says this journey is theirs to take.
It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths -- intelligence alone is not enough; but it rather helps create seductive rationalizations, theories, illusions, and lies to help us run from facing and feeling our own painful truths.
"You can't heal the people you love. You can't make choices for them. You can't rescue them.
You can promise that they won't journey alone. You can loan them your map. But this trip is theirs." Laura Jean Truman
Flying Monkeys, they suck. Walk away from the narcissist and his/her Flying Monkeys. Let them be to meet their own future and destiny.
Yep, they show us how they truly feel with their facial expressions and their disastrous reenactments -- it reveals the truth of their emotional state.
Yep, I have learned to cut my losses and walk away from these people who just want to stand on my head to give them an advantage in the games people play and feel superior to others.
True. They can't deal with reality and face their own painful truths. They gather kill and be killed than face their own painful truths. They are doing everything in their power to avoid facing the pain that they were born into this world without love. So they settled for the illusion of love. As children, this illusion helped us survive but as adults, this illusion will keep us endlessly stuck in the emotional prison of our childhood.
These words by Alice Miller are so true: “We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves. We can only try to behave as if we were loving, but this hypocritical behavior is the opposite of love. It is confusing and deceptive, and it produces much helpless rage in the deceived person. This rage must be repressed in the presence of the pretended “love,” especially if one is dependent, as a child is, on the person who is masquerading in this illusion of love.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 23
In this Interview "The Feeling Child" with Alice Miller by Diane Connors for OMNI Publications International in March 1987 --- Dr. Alice Miller says:
"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than thinking, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.
I try to reach the child in the readers and allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, and images. In this way, I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.
In my first studies, I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.
If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat." Please read the full interview HERE.
