This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel, and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and everything that happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse. These are facts. Violence is not genetic; it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
The best way to remain untriggered and walk away with our integrity intact is to resolve our own childhood repression. As children, we could not walk away from our abusers but as autonomous mature conscious adults, we can walk away from anyone that does not respect our boundaries. These narcissists are standing in symbolizing our childhood abusers and once we resolve the repressed emotions of the child we once were within the context of our own childhood, can we remain untriggered, only then, can we deal with present narcissists/abusers without losing our adult consciousness and balance.
I was the target of a mob of malignant narcissists in the workplace after I published my book sharing my life experiences and psychological discoveries. If I was still blinded by the repressed emotions of the child I once was and I didn't see them clearly I would not be here today.
They treated me like a criminal, but exactly a year later, my ex-boss and an ex-sheriff, killed himself in a standoff with the local police after robbing a bank on March 11, 2016, that by coincidence was my birthday! If it was me, the little woman to commit a crime my name and face would have been splashed all over the news stations! And then all probably go on TV talking about how disturbed the little woman was -- to discredit me and my book --and make a name for themselves by standing on my head. And, all probably say that you need God in your life, my ex-boss was a Mormon, a man of God, but he was the one to lose his mind, but now is a big cover-up. I could see their lies, dirty games, and traps so clearly. I was their target to destroy, but when it was one of them to self-destruct, all became silent.
The guy in these videos gives a lot of good suggestions on how to deal with narcissists. And I love his English accent. I don't ignore red flags anymore! Yes, they do run with their tails between their legs!
YOU MUST KNOW" These Are The MostEffective Words That Will Destroy Narcissists
Narcissists hide this one thing from youbecause they know they'll be destroyed...
“A child cannot be raised to be loving---neither by being beaten nor by well-meaning words; no reprimands, sermons, explanations, good examples, threats, or prohibitions can make a child capable of love. A child who is preached to learns only to preach and a child who is beaten learns to beat others. A person can be raised to be a good citizen, a brave soldier, a devout Jew, Catholic, Protestant, or atheist, even to be a devout psychoanalyst, but not to be a vital and free human being. And only vitality and freedom, not the compulsions of child-rearing, open the wellspring of a genuine capacity to love.” -
From the book Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's Betrayal of the Child page 96
V: I was strolling in the gardens of an insane asylum when I met a young man who was reading a philosophy book. His behavior and his evident good health made him stand out from the other inmates. I sat down beside him and asked: ‘What are you doing here?’ He looked at me, surprised. But seeing that I was not one of the doctors, he replied: ‘It’s very simple. My father, a brilliant lawyer, wanted me to be like him. My uncle, who owns a large emporium, hoped I would follow his example. My mother wanted me to be the image of her beloved father. My sister always set her husband before me as an example of a successful man. My brother tried to train me to be a fine athlete like himself. And the same thing happened at school, with the piano teacher and the English teacher - they were all convinced and determined that they were the best possible example to follow. None of them looked at me as one should look at a man, but as if they were looking in a mirror. So I decided to enter this asylum. At least here I can be myself
Last Saturday, I received your beautiful birthday card. Thank you for the birthday wishes.
I hope you are feeling better. I started writing this e-mail a long time ago, but it seems I can’t get in the mood to write anymore.
I’m doing okay. I dealt recently with a difficult, dominating woman or an overt narcissist, but I created limits and boundaries, and for now, it’s going well... I met another woman who is acting nice. Still, I caught her in a few lies that were not necessary --this is a red flag that this woman lies and makes up shit for no reason at all and most likely is a covert narcissist acting as if personality pretending to be caring and friendly but will stab me in my back at her first opportunity, covert narcissists are the most dangerous because most people fall for their nice act that they are good people and will not believe the person telling the truth about them. The overt narcissists are so much easier to deal with -- the covert narcissists that you really have to be very careful with.
That’s a wild dream you had. I would love to hear your friend's interpretation. It reveals a lot! But I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe it’s time to stop the aimless searching and start really living and facing the facts/truth in your life and consciously feel the feelings that are triggered by present circumstances, otherwise, you might lose your soul completely, and without our soul/feelings we are empty -- left with nothing…
The Aida story is the story of millions of people who would rather lose their health and life than find the courage to face their own painful truth. It will only be the same for you if you let it happen. You just have to find the courage and strength to stand up for yourself and walk away if necessary, whether temporarily or permanently. Some bridges are not meant to ever be crossed again. You ask me:
“When will we see films where they show the liberation of people, not choosing death and betrayal???”
Stories with actual resolution at the end and freedom can’t be stolen and manipulated by those in power to use and exploit. This threatens the control of those in positions. Sadly, we live in a world where most people don’t want liberation for themselves and others. Most people's objective in life is not freedom for themselves and others. Most people's objective in life is to one day own their own slaves.
. I’m sorry to hear you have addiction issues; unfortunately, most people have problems with some type of addiction, either chemical or non-chemical.
I’m not much of a fan of Dr. Gabor Mate either. I find him more of an enabler than someone who offers real assistance in helping people gather the courage and strength to start on their journey to true liberation…
Many professionals out there do great analyses and understand well the reasons for mental illness, depression, addictions, and chronic disease, which are linked to childhood loss and trauma. I quote a few other professionals in my book to prove that are out there, other professionals saying what Alice miller says, but how they go about to heal those traumas, they use the same old tools like yoga, meditation, 12 steps, and controlled drugs, that all it does is manipulate people's feelings, and repress their authentic feelings all over again, and as long people go on suppressing their genuine emotions, they will be driven by them into the state of repetition compulsion of doing to others, themselves or both, especially their own children, what once was done to them when they were defenseless little children.
Dr. Gabor Mate enables people in a state of victimhood instead of showing them how to stand up for themselves and grow into mature conscious adults.
Also, years ago, a lady in Arizona contacted me who had a serious addiction problem, and tried to manipulate money out of me and make me her scapegoat or poison container. She was a big fan of Dr. Gabor Mate, and she told me that he told her that taking a drug feels like receiving a warm hug -- my response to her was: why would you accept a warm hug from a substance that is going to betray you just like your childhood caregivers did?
I think that Prince Harry is valid in many ways. Obviously, he has unresolved repressed emotions from traumas suffered in his childhood. Also, he has a case of newfound intellectual knowledge and joined the cult of the woke, pointing fingers at everyone else and not realizing he is still stuck in an emotional prison like the people he is pointing the finger at. He's still 12 in an adult body. His unresolved emotions from the trauma of losing his mother in such a tragic way have attracted a malignant narcissist as a partner who is exploiting him, as all those around him are. He had the resources and didn’t need to lean on a woman or anyone else to free himself – all he needed was a truly enlightened witness and the courage and strength to learn to stand on his own two feet. He jumped from one emotional prison to another, and now he brought two innocent children to his emotional prison --- it’s like he jumped from a hot frying pan to an even hotter frying pan. And sadly, he has the illusion that he took a flight to freedom...
That’s all for now! Hang in there! Hugs from Arizona,
Sylvie
Dear Sylvie,
More
often writing to you than really doing it.
I hope you
are ok and are not targeted at the moment, not by anybody.
I am pretty
lost, with conflicts all around me, and I feel responsible because I avoid showing
off what I want and don’t want. I ignore any sign or feeling, to improve/change
my life, because this would mean connecting to my old self before
"meeting" Alice Miller, etc., or giving up this self. I feel tired of
writing about all the details. It’s the same stuff, as I wrote earlier, just with
other people. So embarrassing, watching myself.
Anyway, in
my dream tonight, I was totally lost in a low-energy urban surrounding,
wandering around, trying to avoid trouble with strange guys. No aim to go.
Searching for what???? Finding out that I don't have money, no mobile, no warm
clothes... I came across several things lying on the side of a street.
Leftovers of a household, what you would find at a flea market. I'm considering clothes,
decorations, etc., and wondering if I should choose something from this. It was near a big
caraway bridge. From there, suddenly there came the sound of Verdi’s triumphant
march. And somehow, some people tuned in. I went along with this uplifting
melody. Hadn’t chosen anything of the second-hand stuff. And trying to know where
to go further. And then I saw a cathedral in the far and thought of heading for this as a goal.
Now, after
waking up with this melody, I tried to find it on YouTube. I wasn't sure about the
name when I woke up, but it is very well-known. So, I found it, watched it, read
comments, and even, as I feel at a very dark part of my life, I had to laugh:
if you find it, please read the comment from @ryanscarola. It is the second
comment on this video. And it has 40 answers. Many gave me even
more good laughs for some moments.
Sylvie, I
keep it here. I am desperate. But, avoiding taking help from X and XA,
the dream worker person, who introduced me to Alice Miller. The fear of
growth is bigger than the suffering... this is so embarrassing. But maybe all of
this is self-pity??? I don't know. I think that I cannot even trust the tears
running down my face when writing this. There is something terribly wrong with me, with
the world, whatsoever...sorry
Take good
care, H
Hi Sylvie,
Phew... I
did try to understand the Aida story for the first time in my life
How sad and
disappointing :(
There is
this guy in a conflict, and finally, he has the choice between self-betrayal
and being buried alive in a pyramid.
Well, he
decided to die with the woman he loves.
He should
have left his family home, not gone to war for his country, and just walked away
with his love. This would have been the best choice. But as he engaged for his
father/ his land, he lost everything. Because he wanted to serve everyone, without paying the price of giving up something.
It could be the same with me. Even more, embarrassing... but fitting perfectly...
We, humans, are crazy. There is a Lego animation film showing the opera in short form. Unfortunately, there are no English subtitles, but I sent it anyway.
When will we
see films that show the liberation of people, not choosing death and betrayal?
Dear Sylvie,
Thank you
for your kind email. I might be too hard on myself. I have been
judging myself from early childhood on.
A friend of
mine asked me how I would honestly answer the question of whether I want to take care
of my mother at all. There could be no more stress raised in me than exposing
me to questions like this. Do I want to be in contact with whom? This is so
deep and so scary, and I, to be honest, don't dare to find an answer in any
relationship I am in.
This is just
weird. Sorry to write this.
I hope you
are ok.
Long ago, I subscribed to the newsletter from Gabo Mate because I have addiction
issues. I have sugar, certain behaviors. I liked that he didn`t judge
people who suffer from addiction. To be honest, I don`t find him that
convincing. Maybe because of a particular kind of spirituality, he recommends.
Funny
enough, I pushed the unsubscribe button when I saw his latest email, and then I discovered an earlier one. And felt like sending it to you.
I don´t want
to offend you by sending it to you. Maybe if you don't appreciate his work at all, then just ignore it...
Sylvie, we
live in an absolutely irritating, life-disrespecting world. It is hard to find
one's place.
I hope you keep your safety and autonomy and find some pleasure in small things...
I will write
again
Take care,
H
When we turn to a drug, a behavior, or another person to take care of uncomfortable feelings, we run the risk of developing an unhealthy dependency. If a person has come to represent relief from painful feelings, we can become desperately dependent on her/him. She/he is our "fix."
"The period of influence consists in leading someone, without argument, to think, make decisions, and behave other than he would spontaneously on his own.
During the "seductive stalking" period, the targeted person is unable to freely consent a priori because his sensibilities and vulnerabilities are influenced and manipulated.
As in any manipulative process, the victim must first be made to believe he is free, even when he is insidiously deprived of the freedom to act.
There can be no question of a discussion between equals; the abuser must subtly impose himself while preventing the other from becoming aware of the process and from discussing or resisting it.
The victim's ability to defend himself is withdrawn, and his judgment is negated, thereby eliminating any possibility of rebellion. We find here the types of situations in which one individual exerts undue and abusive influence over another without his knowledge. In daily life, we are constantly being manipulated, destabilized, and muddled, and every time it happens we are furious at the perpetrator but even more ashamed of ourselves."
Except from the book Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie - France Herigoyen, page 90.
The letter below articulates how I felt all of my life. It was liberating for me to read Alice Miller’s books because I too had the same doubts already as a child. Religion is a big lie! Sylvie
On daring to doubt
Friday, December 05, 2008
I thank you from my heart for having opened my eyes to my childhood fears so I can now question everything I want to. THANK YOU!!!
I read with great interest your answer to one of the readers this month about religion.
After having gone further into your work and ideas the last months and focusing more on my childhood reality I surprisingly find myself with a total lack of respect(I haven't done anything at all deliberate thinking!) whenever I see priests, bishops, and religious programs on TV. I just feel astonished by these people's "forced goodness", and hypocrisy and I even feel disgusted sometimes (and I remember myself as a child I never trusted religious people who always had to make a point out of it. I didn't like them). Yesterday I found myself laughing when I saw a bunch of dressed-up priests on TV...it has all suddenly become TOTALLY absurd to me and all the ceremonies and bullshit theatrical talk are just funny! But I haven't done anything else than look into my childhood. It's not like going to the university and reading academic critical articles and then feeling like you've balanced something. It's rather something deep inside that has changed place and now everything that craves respect seems absurd and comical to me. The other day I was watching my favorite movie; Bergman's Fanny&Alexander, and I have seen it tens of times before. But this time when Alexander speaks about the personality of the God of the bishop I smiled and laughed heartily: Alexander says something like this:" If God is getting upset for what a little person as Alexander is saying or doing in his little life then he's just that piss and shit God that I've always suspected him to be".
Well. Alexander knew this point that it was ridiculous and absurd for a father to be obsessed with punishing a child for his utterances and honest opinions. He doesn't give in to Our Lord or anyone when the bishop punishes him, he just knows that the bishop is dangerous. The really interesting thing is that Alexander has to be this good father to himself because of the mother's betrayal, telling himself that he's just a child and can't possibly know all the things that God knows, so why should God be upset with Alexander?
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AM: It was great fun to read your letter because it happens rather rarely that my trust in my feelings and in my healthy reasoning succeed in contaminating so quickly another person. First, they react with fear and resistance, especially if religion is at stake, but sometimes, after a while, they say AHA!. I can imagine that these thoughts were liberating for you because you dared to have your doubts already as a child. But without any support, we are afraid to take our feelings seriously if all people around believe the same lies.
W: I have never respected any religion, and for that minor deviation one is an outcast!
N: I remember this letter, having read it a long time ago on Alice Miller's site. Now I know it was yours. Indeed, the freedom to DISRESPECT people who don't deserve our respect is the freedom to respect our own wisdom and spirit. But in childhood, we are often intimidated into showing respect to adults even when they are absolutely ridiculous and stupid.
Sylvie: N, I didn’t write this letter, but I could have because that’s how I felt also all my life. I had the honor to write to Alice Miller many times before she left this world, actually, before she left I was writing a letter to her, but because atthe time my work was very busy with all the snowbirds in town, I never finished it and of course never sent it. She was the most significant person in my life and without her books and website, I would not have made it through. I will be forever grateful to her and I will carry her torch as far as I can go. I have shared some of her letters here on fb and she published three of them on her website. http://www.alice-miller.com/en/standing-on-my-feet/
Here is Alice Miller’s answer to the third letter: AM: Thank you for your letter. I am sorry that my answer to your previous letter didn't appear on the website under your text. I wrote: "Congratulations to your understanding. You are right, you can't make someone to see who DOESN'T WANT to see."
Alice Miller wrote this message
Sylvie: W, Yes I have been an outcast all of my life and I am proud to be one! I have the memory; I was probably 4 or 5 years old, my mother and I, we were walking through the village and we passed by the church where the village priest was sitting outside in the sun and my mother was all gaga over him and tried to make me say hello to him, but I did not want to and I remember thinking to myself: why can’t my mother see that this man is not any more special than any other men! Another time I remember being about 10 or 11 walking with my older sister that wanted me to do something that I didn’t want to do she asked me to sacrifice myself for god and I answered her: if god wants me to sacrifice myself, fxxx god. My family was always praying for me because I was a rebel and they thought I was going to hell, but they are the ones still in hell and I got out. Religion is the biggest trap that keeps you in hell and I am amazed at how so many people fall into it! I remember another time my older sister was listening to the pope on TV and I was making noise she asked me to be quiet, so she could listen to the pope, and told her: why do you listen to that guy with a costume on, He is full of crap. I will quote again N’s words, he says beautifully: “Indeed, the freedom to DISRESPECT people who don't deserve our respect is the freedom to respect our own wisdom and spirit. But in childhood, we are often intimidated into showing respect to adults even when they are absolutely ridiculous and stupid.”
W: I will pick up where you left off, "and so, we can conclude that most 'adults' who have formed us -- and those who still control us through the state and other organizations -- are still stuck in their childhood intellectual/emotional state." They arestill children, afraid, confused, subservient, and needy (in a psychologically dependent way).
