Secret Followers, Silent Fears, and the Price of Freedom

 Recently, I received a private message from a reader named D. He told me he had written to Alice Miller years ago and even received a reply, but he was too self-conscious to share it. He also shared his reflections on Mark Zuckerberg — how the tech mogul’s carefully polished image hides the wounded child who never heard the words: “I love you just as you are. You don’t have to perform for me.”

D sees clearly the tragedy in Zuckerberg’s life, yet he is still afraid to face his own. His words reminded me again why so many people follow my blog in secret, leaving private messages but not public comments.

Secret Followers

In 2017, I wrote a post titled "Secret Followers." Even then, I noticed how many people read my blog silently, afraid to be seen. I understand their fear. After I published my book A Dance to Freedom, I was targeted by a mob of sociopaths at my job of almost ten years. It was an orchestrated psychological warfare campaign designed to destroy me. To watch someone go through that is triggering, because it reminds people of their own fears of being punished, scapegoated, or left alone. So they visit in secret, but rarely share or comment.

Why I Survived

If I had not truly resolved my childhood repression, I would not have survived. My dyslexia, which was once seen as a handicap, became a catalyst in my liberation. When present events triggered old wounds, I often could not write. In those moments, I lay on the couch or in bed in a fetal position, just like a baby. The difference was that I now understood what was happening — I knew I was reliving the child’s fears and grief that had once been too dangerous to feel.

I couldn’t talk to anyone in my family — they would have only pushed medication or cult-like rationalizations, as they did when I was a teenager. Instead, I locked myself away with Alice Miller’s books and website. Only after the storm of feelings passed would I begin to put them into words. That is how I discovered emotional freedom: not by analyzing, not by sympathizing with others, but by consciously feeling my own truth.

The Eye of the Storm

Later, at my job, I found myself again in the middle of psychological warfare. Sitting in the gatehouse, I felt like I was in the eye of a storm, watching sociopaths spin around me. I could sense their next traps and maneuvers even before they unfolded in their board meetings. They tried to make me their scapegoat, their poison container. But because I had already faced the fears of the child I once was, they could not hijack my mind.

Since publishing my book, I have been targeted in this way four times. Each time, those who attacked me exposed themselves. Some have already died. Now, the sociopaths in power pretend not to see me, as if I were invisible. They are afraid, because coming after me means exposing themselves.

Why I Wrote My Book

If I had chosen to use my psychological knowledge to build a cult, I could have made far more money. In our society, no one cares if you exploit others to get rich, as long as you don’t challenge their lies and illusions. But I never wanted followers or slaves. I wanted freedom for myself and for others. That is why I wrote my book.

I remember my ghostwriter once told me: “You are bringing everyone down. You are not going to make a lot of friends with this book.” And I answered: “I am not writing a book to make friends.”

The Most Dangerous Moment

The most dangerous moment in any toxic relationship is when you are about to leave. As long as they believe they own you, they love you — or at least, they love their illusion of you. But the moment they sense you are truly free, the mask of love vanishes, and their rage erupts. That is when they gather all their forces to destroy you.

This is what happened to me. When the sociopaths at my workplace believed I was under their control, they showered me with gifts, dinners, and attention. But the instant they saw I was free, they turned against me with all the power at their disposal. They could not live with the reality of my emotional freedom.

The Difference

D’s story, and the many “secret followers” who visit silently, remind me of the difference between seeing the wound in others and healing it in yourself. To heal means to consciously feel the fears of the child you once were, without repression, without distraction, without escape. When you have truly done this, you lose the fear of standing alone. You no longer need to hide in the shadows. No one can manipulate you again.

That is real freedom. And it is worth more than money, power, or false immortality.

The Secret by James Arthur Ray -- Fatal Retreat

The exchange of our last texts brought to mind the followers of The Secret by James Arthur Ray, who, because they didn't listen to the messages of their bodies, but instead listened to the stupid guru of the silly book The Secret, lost their lives. I am sure his followers were very well-behaved children and did what their parents asked of them, and now they do what people symbolizing their parents ask them to do, even if their lives are in danger. And never question themselves why they feel something is missing in them? And they allow themselves to be exploited by charming gurus or cult leaders, just like they were exploited when they were defenseless little children.

Arizona Sweat Lodge: The Inside Story of James Ray's Fatal Retreat

My experience is the same as Alice Miller's; it has taken me all my life! " … It has taken me all my life to allow myself to be what I am and to listen to what my inner self is telling me, more and more directly, without waiting for permission from others or currying approval from people symbolizing my parents… Successful therapy should shorten this long journey. It should liberate us from our ingrained adaptation strategies and help us learn to trust our own feelings - something our parents have made difficult, if not impossible. Because it was prohibited and hence feared, right from the beginning, many people find it impossible to embark on such a journey. Later, the role initially played by our parents is taken over by teachers, priests, society, and morality, all of which are conspiring to cement this fear. And cement, as we know, is very difficult to soften.” The Longest Journey 

Secret Followers

I have many people who follow me in secret.:-)

Facebook original post

Recently, most of my readers have come from Russia. Why are they so interested in me!? And why don't I have any readers from Portugal?! There is an old saying in Portugal that says: saints from the same land don't make miracles! It is true, because I very rarely get any readers from my old country, and if I ever do, it's just a few. 

Entry Pageviews
Russia 1545
United States 968
France 757
Germany 646
United Kingdom 636
Ireland 595
Canada 594
Spain 453
Italy 332
Netherlands 382

Facebook post, July 24, 2016, 7:15 a.m., from when the Russians found me! 

Usually, most people reading my blog are from America, but today most of my readers come from Russia!!! What kind of people in Russia are reading my blog?! The Russians have found me!!!

Russia 997
United States 739
United Kingdom 519
Germany 318
Canada 215
France 114
Netherlands 88
Australia 74
Portugal 64
Sweden 54

Never put your life in someone else's hands

Never put your life in someone else’s hands; it can be very dangerous. As children, we had no choice; our lives were in our parents' and caregivers' hands, but now we are adults. We must be in charge of our own lives. If we still have an inner wounded child inside of us, the adult in us has to be the one paying attention and listening to our wounded child. If we need help understanding our feelings, we should seek an enlightened and sympathetic witness to help us comprehend and experience them within the context of our own childhood.

NEVER, allow people symbolizing your parents take charge of your life and make decisions for you or make another adult your substitute parent and let her/him regress you to the wounded child you once were because that is putting you in a position of being controlled and manipulated by another person, just like when you were a little child and can be very dangerous to your mental and physical health and well-being. 

An example is the followers of the Secret by James Arthur Ray, who symbolized their parents/caretakers. The followers, “the good children,” followed his directions without question, and two of them paid the price with their lives for this mistake. Read more about this sad, tragic story here

Another example is Tony Robbins with his TV program “Breakthrough.” he, like many gurus out there, is taking advantage of and exploiting emotionally blind people and putting people’s well-being in danger. A few years ago, I was going through the TV channels, and Tony Robbins’s show “Breakthrough” was on. He had this emotionally blind woman sleeping outside with the homeless, so she would have the experience of having nothing. In this way, she was supposed to get over her depression and be grateful for the things she has. How sad that this grown person puts her life in this guru’s hands and allows him to regress her to the helpless, lost child she once was and exploit her just like her parents did when she was a little defenseless child. 

I am amazed at the number of smart and intelligent people who fall for the seductive words of charismatic individuals like Tony Robbins. Just like Alice Miller says in her book “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence.” “… We have seen how easy it is for intellectuals in a dictatorship to be corrupted; it would be a vestige of aristocratic snobbery to think that only “the uneducated masses” are susceptible to propaganda. Both Hitler and Stalin had a surprisingly large number of enthusiastic followers among intellectuals. Our capacity to resist has nothing to do with our intelligence but with the degree of access to our true self. Indeed, intelligence is capable of innumerable rationalizations when it comes to the matter of adaptation.” 

One more example is religion; religion/god symbolizes the all-powerful parent, and the followers are permanently trapped in the role of the child.  Our goal is to free ourselves from all illusions, become autonomous adults, and stand on our own two feet without crutches.

Also in her book Paths of Life, Alice Miller says: "MANY PROBLEMS APPEAR in a new light when we look to childhood as a source of possible explanations. We are living in an age in which democracies are gaining the upper hand over dictatorships. At the same time, the cult-group phenomenon is an indication that there is a growth in the number of totalitarian systems to which people voluntarily submit themselves. People growing up in a spirit of liberty and tolerance, accepted in childhood for what they are, rather than being throttled and stunted by their upbringing, would hardly place themselves at the mercy of a cult group of their own accord. And if by chance or skillful manipulation, they did fall afoul of such an organization, they certainly would not stay there very long. 

...In my view, however, this allegedly conscious exploitation can also be traced back to unconscious motives. Terrible as the consequences were, I do not believe, for example, that the two initiators of “feeling therapy,” discussed earlier, actually set out to establish a totalitarian regime. It was the power they gained over their adherents that made them into gurus. And this is what I have in mind when I refer to the unconscious aspects of manipulation. In the end, they themselves become the victims of a process with an inexorable logic of its own, a process they were unaware of because they had never given it any thought.

Thus, they sparked off a conflagration they were unable to control, much less extinguish. First, they had learned how to reduce people to the emotional state of the helpless child. Once they had achieved that, they also learned how to use unconscious regression to exercise total control over their victims.  From then on, what they did seemed to come automatically, in accordance with the child-rearing patterns instilled into them in their own childhood."

Read more here

Also in the article below, Alice Miller articulates very well the dangers of rebirth therapy.

CONCERNING PRIMAL SELF-THERAPY

 

I am frequently asked what I consider to be the decisive factor in psychotherapy today.  Is it the recognition of the truth, liberation from the enforced vow of silence and from idealization of one's parents, or is it the presence of an Enlightened Witness?  My view is that it is not a question of either-or but of both-and.  Without the Enlightened Witness, it is impossible to bear the truth of what happened to us in early infancy.  But by the term Enlightened Witness I do not mean anyone who has studied psychology or has been through primal experiences with a guru and has remained in his thrall.  For me, Enlightened Witnesses are therapists with the courage to face up to their own histories and to gain their autonomy in doing so, rather than seeking to offset their own repressed feelings of ineffectuality by exerting power over their patients.

 

The adult needs assistance in coping with the present situations as an adult, while at the same time maintaining contact with the suffering and knowing child he once was, the child he could not muster the courage to listen to for so long, but now, with help, can finally pay heed to.  The body knows everything that has happened to it, but it has no language to express that knowledge.  It is like the child we once were, the child that sees all but without the aid of the adults, remains helpless and alone.  Accordingly, whenever the emotions from the past rise to the surface, they are invariably accompanied by the fears of the helpless child, dependent on the understanding or at least the reassurances of the caregivers.

 

Unlike the body, our cognitive system knows little of the events far back in the past; conscious memories are fragmentary, brittle, unreliable.  But the cognitive system has a huge fund of knowledge at its disposal, a fully developed mind, and the life experience that a child cannot yet have.  As adults are no longer powerless, they can offer the child within them (the body) protection and an attentive ear so that it can express itself in its own way and tell its own story.  It is in the light of these stories that the looming, incomprehensible fears and emotions of the adult take on meaning.  Finally, they stand in a recognizable context and are no longer so obscurely menacing.

 

In a society with a receptive attitude to the distress of children, no one will be alone with his/her history.  The same is true of therapists.  Because then everyone will know that it is not the children who are responsible for their sufferings, but the adults.

 

I recently wrote a letter in French to the forum that I am quoting in English below:

 

Dear Franck, I understand well your fascination with the manual of Stettbacher.  When I read this manuscript in 1989, I thought that it contained the solution for a lot of readers who, after having read my books, were looking, like you, for the sources of their sufferings and fears in the history of their childhood.  As I had never had the luck to be understood and helped in my childhood nor in my therapies (it was always me who had to help others), I found the idea of a primal self-therapy at first quite normal and acceptable.  It was after some years that I grasped the great importance and even necessity of an enlightened and empathic therapist in the process of recovery.  Especially thanks to letters of people that failed to help themselves and who blamed themselves for their plight ( trying to do more and more therapy and turning around alone with their fears and pains) that I understood that the primal self - therapy can indeed trigger easily the old pent-up emotions but can reactivate the situation of the child that was always alone with his/her pains and fears.  This repetition of the old trauma is the opposite of a therapy.

 

Today, I share the opinion of Arthur Janov, who always affirmed that primal therapy without the assistance of a well-informed and compassionate therapist can be very dangerous.  (cf. his homepage.  In addition, I think that it contains (1) a contradiction in itself by reactivating a situation of which one wants to get rid of and (2) a perpetuation of the violence directed toward oneself.

 

I haven't had any contact with Mister Stettbacher since 1994, when I stopped recommending his method, but I suppose that the information on its negative effects reached him too and that it already motivated him to stop recommending it.  Since the release of his book, there is a lot of new information on this topic available that is easily accessible thanks to the internet.  Maybe the next book by Stettbacher will bring the necessary corrections to his present work, published 12 years ago.

 

Alice Miller

Over a Half a Million People Know that I Exist!

Most of my readers follow my blog anonymously. But over a half million people have visited my blog! 

Over half a million people know that I exist! 

I thank all those who have bought a copy of my book. You all helped me stay afloat when I was between jobs because of being targeted by malignant narcissists in the workplace. 

I'm hoping my book has inspired you to develop the courage and strength to leave the emotional prison of your childhood and do your emotional work, which is the most essential work in a person's life. 

Once we are emotionally free, we can no longer be manipulated by malignant narcissists or evil people. 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/07/secret-followers.html 

Open Letter to Cristiano Ronaldo

Dear Mr. Ronaldo,

I’m extremely dyslexic and writing is one of the hardest things for me to do in life.  I can’t afford to pay an editor at the moment to edit my writings, so I apologize if you have difficulty understanding my letter. 

To tell you the truth I have given up on humanity. I think humanity has passed the point of no return.

But I feel compelled to reach out to you.

These words by Leo Tolstoy could not be truer: “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” This is the problem with our society. No one wants to look in the mirror and face themselves. 

If you like to take the attention from yourself and put it on someone else that should be held by Portuguese society to a higher standard than athletes. 

Ask all the talking heads on TV -- why are they protecting Dr. Julio Macchado Vaz with a wall of silence? 

I have been trying to tell my story since the year 2000, I went to Portugal and contacted the media there to go public with my story and I even tried to contact a lawyer there to sue this doctor for malpractice, not because I wanted money, but to expose the harm done by the so-called professionals/experts that are "supposedly" to help the public, but no one got back to me, so I came back to America and started thinking about writing a book to tell my story, share my life experiences, and psychological discoveries. I published my book  A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusion in 2014 -- and I hope you read it. 

Just like here in an America that was an open secret in Hollywood of Bill Cosby's problems with women. 

I know without a doubt that there is also an open secret in Portugal of this doctor having sex with his patients. 

They don't pay attention to my story, because my story is a connected story and I own it, so they feel threatened by my story. Owned and connected stories like mine need to be told, but sadly most people in the media are only interested in disowned and disconnected stories of victims without resolution they can exploit for pure sensationalism, they are like vultures looking for dead bodies. 

And they feel threatened by owned and connected stories like mine, because stories like mine, makes people look in the mirror to question themselves, their own parents and people in power position standing in symbolizing their parents. AND WHO WANTS TO DO THAT?! Most people are still scared little children afraid of being punished if they dare to speak the naked truth and expose the real state of affairs.

This quote by Alice Miller that I included in my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions, page 76 -- it's so true: “To many people, it seems easier to take medication, to smoke, drink alcohol, preach, educate or treat others, and prepare wars than expose themselves to their own painful truth.”

I don’t know the details of what happened in the hotel in Las Vegas, only you and Ms. Mayorga know the real truth.  I read the whole article Her Name Is Kathryn The Woman Who Accuses Ronaldo of Rape by Spiegel online and there is no doubt that something happened.

I used to be a topless dancer for 18 years in a nightclub in Phoenix Arizona. And I met many young famous athletes, like you, and movie stars – suffering from the illusion that success, their talents, money, and fame alone would liberate them -- and  they felt  were superior to everyone else – suffering from grandiosity -- these words by Alice Miller could not be truer: "The grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail." From the book The Drama of the Gifted Child: The search for the True Self  Page 36

All the other dancers were always totally star struck by rich and famous people like you -- and they all flocked to the rich and famous people's table – to me famous people are just like everyone else and I treat them the same --as everybody else -- I don't care how talented or how much money they have -- so most rich and famous people didn't spend much time talking with me and would move on to the other girls that give them the special treatment they thought they deserved.

The look of Ms. Kathryn Mayorga in the picture below, she is totally star struck by you!

Yes, a lot of young girls look at famous and rich guys like you as a path to freedom and salvation, because like you  -- they also suffer from the same illusions that money and fame alone is the path to freedom and salvation.

In 2012 I got into a debate with an ex-dancer from Israel that used to dance in New York City where she confessed to having sex for money with customers, she met at the club.

You can read more about this debate with the ex-dancer on my blog Comments and thoughts on the “Doll” Documentary” by Zohar Wagner that gives insight into these dangerous exploitative relationships.  

Most dancers would enter mutually into exploitative relationships -- men trying to exploit them sexually and the dancers try to get as much money out of them as they possibly could and they did not have boundaries or limits in what they did in order to get to the men’s money, so they were each other’s victims. 

But this doesn't mean it's okay to force yourself on them and not accept their no at any time -- if they change their mind -- and ask you to stop.

While growing up in Portugal I had many experiences with Portuguese boys that they didn't know what the word NO meant! I talk about it in my book -- that I hope you read -- a little bit about my experiences with many Portuguese boys that didn't know the meaning of the word NO.

I also shared in a comment in the article in the link below of an experience with Portuguese boys in the Summer of 1983 while I was in Paris. "..while I was in Paris, France one summer I was working in a restaurant and Portuguese people, that, “look like nice people”, came to eat and they invite me to go with them for coffee and me thinking -- for being with those from my own country --- it would be okay and safe, but when I was inside the car with them, they started to disrespect me and when they stopped at the traffic light I got out of the car really quickly. I am sure if I had not gotten out of the car I would have been raped by those Portuguese young people that looked like they were nice guys, that day I learn to avoid and be careful with Portuguese people because most of them have no respect for themselves and others. ..."
https://www.facebook.com/notes/sylvie-imelda-shene/its-still-a-mans-world/453280120451/

Even if Ms. Kathryn Mayorga accusations are not true. You are in the stage of the world and all eyes are on you! This can be an opportunity for you and your millions of followers to become real and open the path for all humanity to free themselves from lies and illusions.

Is not just dancers that get into these exploitative relationships. Everywhere I look I see people in this type of exploitative relationships and not in an equal partnership between adults.

I am pretty sure most people, if not all the people, around you, are around you, because, they just want to exploit you, stand in your head --  take ownership of your story -- and make as much money out of your story as they possibly can -- if you lost all of your money -- most, if not all around you would leave. 

I have been living in Arizona since 1985! And I didn't hear of you until my niece that lives in Portugal came to visit me in Arizona -- while she was here -- she mentioned to me that you paid a woman to have a child for you --- that gave me a small window right away to a troubled soul.

A seeing and a feeling man would never pay a woman to bring a child into the world to separate from the mother at birth. And a seeing and a feeling woman would not EVER agree to carry a pregnancy to term for money and give birth to a new being to give away after birth like a puppy or a kitten -- babies are not puppies or kittens ---  the trauma of separation from the mother is a hard trauma to heal and a seeing and a feeling man and woman would NEVER traumatize a baby like that.

I read a little bit of your history that you are, like me,  the product of an unwanted pregnancy --  this pain of being unwanted is hard to heal -- and we go through life feeling unwanted everywhere we go --  it took me more than 40 years to heal this trauma -- and everytime I'm rejected in the present moment -- it is still a painful reminder -- of the pain of being an unwanted and rejected child. 

I read your mother even thought about aborting you; you are unconsciously and compulsively reenacting your childhood traumas -- traumatizing yourself and others like you were traumatized when you were a defenseless little infant. 

You have been repressing this pain with the aid of football, money, and fame, but now with Ms.Mayorga accusation of rape -- she is triggering this pain to the surface and bringing you to your knees -- not to be brought closer to god like religion wants you to believe -- but to face your childhood repression and gain ownership of your own story and free yourself from the emotional prison you were born in. 

Your fans and the people around you don't care about you and how much you suffered as a child because they don't want to be reminded of their own painful childhoods. They are just interested that you win games for them, protect your image, so they can keep on going on, as usual, to exploit you to distract themselves from facing their own painful truths.

Like I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions page 39 and 62: "It’s also important to realize that unresolved trauma will always catch up with us. “Merely forgetting early traumas and early neglect is no solution,” Alice Miller writes. Instead, we have to go back in time and deal with the true feelings we had as children. Only then can we free ourselves from overwhelming fear, shame, guilt, anger, and frustration. Getting to that point is a lot easier when you have someone who can help you understand how present events trigger repressed feelings. 

Alice Miller calls the type of person who can help an adult face their childhood traumas an enlightened — or knowing — witness. Ideally, parents should fulfill the role of helping witnesses while their children are still little —  ...but too many mothers and fathers are too traumatized themselves to provide the patience and loving support their children need. 

When most people grow up they unconsciously and compulsively reenact their own childhood traumas with people who have nothing to do with those painful scenarios, such as their own kids. 

Parents who have suffered are compelled to make sure that others suffer, too, and the cycle can go on for eternity. 

...Abused and otherwise traumatized children are forced to repress their true feelings unless they’re lucky enough to find someone to comfort them. 

But because enlightened witnesses (and even helping witnesses) aren’t always readily available, most of us develop what Alice Miller calls a false self — usually for the sake of our parents — only to pay for it later in life. 

In an article entitled “The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society,” Alice Miller writes that “it seems clear to me that information about abuse inflicted during childhood is recorded in our body cells as a sort of memory, linked to repressed anxiety. If, lacking the aid of an enlightened witness, these memories fail to break through to consciousness, they often compel the person to violent acts that reproduce the abuse suffered in childhood, which was repressed in order to survive. The aim is to avoid the fear of powerlessness before a cruel adult. This fear can be eluded momentarily by creating situations in which one plays the active role, the role of the powerful, towards a powerless person.” This is how the vicious cycle of parental abuse continues for generations. And in extreme cases, the repetition compulsion can lead to violent atrocities against humanity."

You have an opportunity here to resolve your childhood repression and become real and authentic.

It will require great courage and you might lose some money and many fans, but you will recover your soul -- and save your soul -- and your children's' souls -- our souls are our authentic feelings -- without our authentic feelings -- we become soulless -- like robots -- and  when we repress and deny our authentic feelings -- we will be endlessly driven by them compulsively and unconsciously -- to do to others -- what once was done to us -- when we were defenseless little infants.

Now you have a choice to become real or go back to live in denial -- falsing your true feelings for feelings you don't have --- acting as if personality -- and continue to live and die in an emotional prison -- like millions of people in our world.

While growing up in Portugal I always said to myself: the pain stops with me and I will never be like my abusers.

It took me almost all of my life to break free from the chains of repetition compulsion and this is my proudest achievement and it doesn't matter if society ever recognizes one's liberation to be the most important achievement in a person's life. I'm free at last.

Wishing you much courage and strength to break free from the chains of repetition compulsion.

Sincerely,

Sylvie Imelda Shene

Today 6-9-19 my sister shared this post of Cristiano Ronaldo on Facebook:

The only footballer in the world who doesn't have a tattoo to donate blood to children with cancer
Respect 👏👏

My comment on her post: The question is: Is he genuine or he does it just to create a good image for himself. Most random acts of kindness in our society are done just to manipulate public perception. Most people out there are acting as if personality pretending to be good people but are wolves in sheep's clothing -- learn to question everything -- I constantly witness people behind closed doors creating traps to trap the emotionally blind and then when people are looking rescue the people they just trapped so they look like heroes. Everywhere I look I see every well-orchestrated illusions.

Read my blog Experienced Knowledge about my experience with emotional harassment in the workplace.

Narcissism is a cult

There is no way to true liberation without pain. People do all kind of things no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing and feeling their own painful truths. One does not become enlightened by affirmations, rituals and meditation, but by facing and feeling our painful truths.

Narcissists have secret lives. They lie effortlessly. They are two faced - appearing with a perfect public image that most people believe. In the shadows, when no one is looking, they do tremendous damage to family, friends, coworkers and those who live with them.

Narcissism can be similar to a cult in a few ways:

Narcissistic families

Can be like small cults, with a narcissistic parent as the leader, submissive followers, and people who want to please the leader. Family members may feel isolated from the world and have difficulty developing a sense of self outside of the family.

Narcissistic relationships

Can be like cults, where one person, such as a romantic partner, friend, or workplace colleague, hijacks reality and controls the other person. The leader may use manipulation, lies, scare tactics, and coercion to control the other person, who may then provide the leader with praise and adulation.

In narcissistic families, personality disorders can cause intense emotions to circulate and be passed down through projection, transference and identification. This can lead to a distorted reality for family members, who may have difficulty developing a sense of self outside of the family system. 

Narcissistic personality disorder is a lifelong mental health condition, but treatment can help manage symptoms and reduce its impact on relationships, work, and self-esteem. People living with narcissists can also try to preserve their well-being by setting strong boundaries, building a support network, and working with a therapist who's knowledgeable about narcissism. 

Just like every self-respecting cult, the narcissistic family has its own deep-seated secrets and bizarre traditions. Unquestioning obedience is usually valued over freedom of thought and action. The narcissistic parent is all-powerful, all-knowing and intransigent.

Yes, they are very talented at playing the victim role. 

"The thing that concerns me most about cult groups is the unconscious manipulations that I have described in detail in my work. It is the way in which the repressed and unreflected childhood biographies of parents and therapists influence the lives of children and patients entrusted to their care without anyone involved actually realizing it. At first glance, it may seem as if what goes on in cults and cult-like therapy groups takes place on a different level from the unconscious manipulation of children by their parents. We assume that in the former instance we are in the presence of an intentional, carefully planned, and organized form of manipulation aimed at exploiting the specific predicament of individuals.

In my view, however, this allegedly conscious exploitation can also be traced back to unconscious motives. Terrible as the consequences were, I do not believe, for example, that the two initiators of “feeling therapy,” discussed earlier, actually set out to establish a totalitarian regime. It was the power they gained over their adherents that made them into gurus. And this is what I have in mind when I refer to the unconscious aspects of manipulation. In the end, they themselves become the victims of a process with an inexorable logic of its own, a process they were unaware of because they had never given it any thought.

Thus they sparked off a conflagration they were unable to control, much less extinguish. First, they had learned how to reduce people to the emotional state of the helpless child. Once they had achieved that, they also learned how to use unconscious regression to exercise total control over their victims. From then on, what they did seemed to come automatically, in accordance, with the child-rearing patterns instilled into them in their own childhood." Alice Miller 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2011/08/gurus-and-cults-leaders-how-they.html?m=1

Letter to XA

XA: You are so far out on a limb that I’m sure you’re not interested in what I say and feel. If you had, you would never have deluded yourself to this extent.

Sylvie: I love being on the limb! We have a better view from there! I respect you more than you can ever imagine. I do care about how you feel -- your true feelings that you are so disconnected from for so long and would take years for you to get in touch with and discern what emotions and thoughts belong to whom, because they have been immersed with others for so many years. I am glad this charade is over and I don’t have to pretend not to see what I really see--THE EMPEROR IS NAKED! I have learned that people are not always what they say they are, because most people live in denial of who they truly are. You all say that XXX is not a religion, but if I dissect it, that’s precisely what it is, but with brand new, pretty, seductive, and attractive beliefs and a brand new, very alluring label. You see, most religions believe in a god that no one can prove. People who believe in god say they feel it. Some even proclaim that God talks to them, XXX believes in physical immortality, and they say it is a feeling in the body, too, but nobody has lived forever. No one can prove it is possible, either, so it's just a belief, much like believing in God. It's very much like most religions, which are based on faith and belief. Like most religions, you too quote the Bible to provide evidence that what you are saying is true.

I don’t have beliefs anymore; there are things I know, and there are things I don’t know. When we know instead of believing, we will find the courage to be true to ourselves. Beliefs are passed down to us, so they should be received with doubt. To know comes from within. Every person I encounter on this planet so far suffers from some type of denial, and XXX suffers from the ultimate denial! Denial of death! Today, I have more vitality than ever before, and I am more immortal and alive than anyone at XXX. Will I feel this way forever? I don’t know, and I am not worried about it. I am just going to enjoy this feeling for as long as I can hold onto it. You are the one who joined a cult, so if someone is deluded here, it has to be you. I understand that you were at a very young age, in a war zone at the time, I cannot image what was like being in war zone hearing bombs, I hope I never know what that might be like, you were a very vulnerable young guy trying to figure out your path in life and these very charismatic people with very seductive beliefs and alluring label captivated you and now is very painful to face and feel that you have wasted 20 years of your life with an illusion and is starting to take an affect on your body and might bring you premature death and how ironic that is that death is what you all try to avoid. Nothing can affect our mental and physical health more than believing in lies and illusions.

XA: I can assure you that my life is entirely of my own making, and I am very pleased with the achievement thus far. More so now than ever.

Sylvie: I know this is painful and hard to hear, but joining a cult and getting involve intimately with the cult leader that is 30 years older than you, older than your mother, just a few months, but still older than your mother and letting her control or manipulate you, no matter how fun seductive and charismatic the leaders are is not an achievement to be pleased with and if what you are saying was true, you would not be upset by my observations. When People tell me things about me that are not true and I am sure in my heart that I am right, I just smile and say: Really?

XA: My health is increasing every day, and on a deeper level of the body than you can possibly be aware of. I think you are too insecure to be anything but the “teacher,” and so you just teach, teach, teach, even when there is something huge for you to learn. In fact, the more insecure you feel, the more you act as “teacher.”

Sylvie: I hope your health is better and you are feeling better and better. Your words above are pure projections -- who are the teachers/preachers? Really? Who preaches/teaches, preaches/teaches, and preaches/teaches in front of a congregation? The more insecure you become, the more you preach and teach, refusing to acknowledge reality and facts. Children who are preached to learn how to preach, and that is exactly what X is doing. She came from a family of preachers, and she knew her childhood lesson very well. And her son has learn that lesson very well also. The only thing that has changed is the beliefs and the brand-new seductive label. Everything you write in the last e-mail is just pure projections and transferences of disowned feelings that you and X can’t admit to, and the more insecure you all feel, the more you all need a congregation to be dependent on you, playing the role of the child, so you can use them to project your disowned feelings and insecurities.

XA: There’s a saying – a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And you’ve got it.

Sylvie:  I might have little knowledge, but I acquired the proper knowledge! It’s not the quantity that matters, but the quality. Many people develop what I call empty knowledge, which only serves to impress, control, and manipulate others, but has no real value whatsoever. What’s truly sad is that most people carry this poisonous pedagogy and spread it around, infecting everyone with it. So, whose knowledge is hazardous? You guys are the ones using your knowledge with disconnected truths or lies coated with little bits of truth to control and manipulate the followers of XXX to stay dependent or stuck in the role of the child.

XA: From the emails you’ve sent me, I know you give this same treatment to many people, so I am not different in that regard. You have the same story for everyone, and that is control, plain and simple.

Sylvie: Most people I write to don’t share your opinion. Look deeper and see who is being controlled and controlling. I just dare to say that the EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES ON. I share what I see and feel, and you can agree or disagree with me. If you could have seen it too, that THE EMPEROR IS NAKED, that would have been great for your health and liberation, but if you don’t see it, then you are going to suffer the consequences of being emotionally blind. What you do with the information I gave you is your business. You can choose to reflect on it or discard it.

The choice is yours. The fears you all feel are the internalized fears of the children you once were, of the parents’ punishments, and are being projected at me, because I triggered them. Still, I am not the cause of your fears and anger; I am just the trigger because I spoke of things you don’t want to or are not ready to look at, because they are too scary and painful to admit, face, and feel. Still, if you keep projecting these fears and anger into scapegoats they never get resolved, only when we understand the roots of our fears, anger and pain does it gets resolved and starts to diminishes and eventually leaves our body completely and can never be triggered by anyone no matter what, because it’s not inside our bodies anymore to be triggered again and again. We will have no more buttons in us to be pushed. You all say it’s good to stir people up and make their buttons, and love to use the slogan “face everything and avoid nothing.” I felt this was just a slogan to manipulate the followers of XXX. It did fool me for a little while, but I was aware that it could be just a slogan, like the ones politicians use to get our vote. Now I have confirmation of it, because when someone comes along and stirs you up, pushes your buttons, and presents some facts and realities to you. You guys don’t like it and get defensive. What do they call behaviors like this? Oh yes, it’s called hypocrisy. Also, you guys say that we have to get the ego out of the way. The leaders try to break the followers' egos so they can control them, but the ego can be a beneficial trait, as it protects us from being exploited by others. And again, who has the most enormous ego in XXX if not the leaders?

XA: Your sisters have made more of an impression on you than you admit.

Sylvie: I have dealt with my internalized sisters, and any residue may still be present. If it does come to the surface, I will recognize it right away and now know how to handle it. Until today, my ex was the only person who triggered my internalized older sisters, and he was the only one I reenacted them with. Now I am very conscious of my internalized older sisters, and I will be cautious not to reenact them again with anyone else. Now let’s look at you yourself, aren’t you reenacting your internalized mother by lashing out at anyone who questions your beliefs, just like your mother did to you when you asked her?

XA: Without invitation, you saw me in the hospital at my most vulnerable. You’ve abused that intimacy by judging me according to your own narrow agenda. You say you care, but your caring is twisted with judgment. And your judgment is ignorant and banal.

Sylvie: I am sorry if you felt violated by me stopping at the hospital to see you. I thought we were friends, but now it’s very clear to me that if I don’t become a member of XXX, I am treated like an outsider, and this is one of the reasons XXX cult can be dangerous, because it tries to control and manipulate members' contact with the outside world. In contrast, everyone thought I might become a member, I was treated very nicely, but in the moment I said I could not become a member, I was treated like I was a bad person, not everyone in the outside world is bad. When we are not emotionally blind, it’s very easy to see where everyone is at any given moment, and no one can fool us anymore. I saw your situation very clearly, so I was very aware of the risk I was taking by hiring you to help me on this project. You are a talented writer, and I hope one day you use your talent for truth instead of using it to deceive yourself and others. You are the one judging me by your own narrow agenda. So whose is twisted with judgment? And whose judgment is ignorant and banal? I understand your situation, and it is sad seeing you falling victim to illusions.

XA: You’ve taken me lightly. You’ve missed me completely. You’ve dismissed my own expression as if it means nothing compared to your little corner of knowledge.

Sylvie: I see you clearly and understand why it’s so hard to acknowledge the truths I am talking about. You are the one who takes yourself lightly. If someone is missing someone, it’s you missing yourself completely, and that is what’s really sad. If we don’t miss ourselves, it does not matter if others miss us or not. So, if I missed you, it wouldn't have mattered if you weren't missing yourself. Again, try to look a little deeper and see who is really dismissing you. Your body has been screaming at you to pay attention, and you are ignoring its signals and refusing to explore the real causes of your pain, so if someone is dismissing you, it's you dismissing yourself. You are the one dismissing your own body’s expression as if it means nothing compared to your little corner of your intellectual knowledge.

XA: But you can’t dismiss this: I don’t associate with people who don’t respect me and my life. I know you have problems in your life and that you are trying to work them out by working on other people. But nothing excuses the lack of respect you show me.

Sylvie: Again, let’s look a little deeper and see who does not respect himself. When I debated whether to become a member or not, and I couldn’t believe it, I even discussed it, thinking maybe I could be of help to XXX members, but I came to my senses. I realized that becoming a member would jeopardize the autonomy I have achieved, and I am not willing to give it up now for anyone. In my last meeting with X, she insinuated that if I became a member and liked XA, she would be willing to give him up and let me have him if I wanted him. So, who would sell you just to acquire one more member? Again, who is disrespecting whom? I don’t get tempted or distracted by attractions anymore; I am very aware of what attractions can mean – repetition of the past, and I don’t go there anymore, my path is forward, not repeating the past, no matter how seductive and how alluring the new label might be -- she can have you all for herself. You are a very talented and attractive guy, but I am not about to join a cult just to be with a handsome guy who has a talent I wish I had. I did crazy stuff like that with my ex, and I am not repeating crazy things like that ever again. I did a lot of emotional work and finally broke free from the emotional prison I was born into, and I am not going to give up my achieved freedom now and join a cult for anyone. Who is guiding and counseling a congregation? So, if someone is working on others without solving their own problems first, it must be all of you. I, too, don’t get involved on an intimate level with people who unconsciously or consciously choose to believe in lies and illusions, no matter how seductive, charismatic, attractive, or talented they may be.

XA: I will complete the section of the project I’m working on that you’ve paid for, and that is it. I’ll send it to you and arrange to return the materials of yours that I have. That will be the end of it. You always worried about this process getting interrupted, and now you have created it. The sabotage is yours.

Sylvie: Again, the only life that is being sabotaged here is yours. I know without a doubt that I am on the right path, and this is just a bump on the road for me. This project will get done with or without your help; it will just take a little longer. I have made a lot of money and lost a lot of it, and I have learned a valuable financial lesson. And I am grateful that I made a lot of money, so I could afford the costly life lesson, and now I am totally detached from the pursuit of money. I know I can always make more, don’t bother finishing the last pages, because I know your heart is not in it, and I don’t want anyone to work for me unless their heart is in it. Keep whatever money is left as a gift and send whatever you have done, along with all the notes I have sent to you. I also feel you found my website, and you thought I was still the wounded child I talked about in my story that you all could use, exploit, and manipulate like a puppet, and that is why you contacted me. Still, you made a huge mistake, because  I am provably one of the very few people you will ever meet who are truthful and have dealt with her repression and are no longer in the victim/child role for unconscious repressed people in power positions to use to project and transfer their disowned feelings and insecurities, no matter how charismatic and beautiful they are. And now I have proven that my feelings and perceptions were correct, and you are not safe to be involved at an intimate level. I made the right decision not to join XXX.
Wishing you much courage and strength to face and feel your painful truths, and if you ever need someone to talk to. I will be forever available. Sylvie

XA: As you wish . . . Here are the notes for the last three sections of the project. If you provide your work address, I will drop off the books and letters there.

Sylvie: Thank you, XA.. Don’t worry about the books. You are welcome to keep them, maybe one day you all find the courage to read them and help you all deal with your repression and become a faithful enlightened witness to yourself and everyone that comes through XXX, and help you all become more real and not so afraid, because when we really deal with our repression and become real, there is nothing to fear.
 Just send the letters to my P. O. Box
All the fears you all might feel about me. I would like to assure everyone AGAIN that I will never mention in public XXX or mention anyone’s names. I really appreciate all of you, and if I have anything to say about any of you, I will share it with you directly. If I ever share my experiences with you all publicly, I will keep you all anonymous.  I am a person of my word. I am not in the business of hurting people; instead, I help them become real and free in the kindest way possible. I am not perfect, just like no one is on this planet, and I know sometimes I can be brutally honest; I am accused of that all the time. I apologize for that, but I feel the truth is the best gift we can give to anyone, and we must have the courage to speak it, even at the risk of triggering people’s fears, anger, and pain, and projecting it onto me and blaming me for it. Michael Jackson might still be here with us today if he had someone in his life with the courage to speak the truth to him. This situation showed me that I am becoming a lot better at handling other people’s transference.
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=116&grp=11

Sylvie: Last night I dreamed about you and X!
I dreamed I stopped by your house for a visit! I wish we didn't have so many differences between us, and we could all spend time together, but for now, that’s the way it is. I know, in spite of our differences, that you are all good people, and maybe someday our differences will be resolved. I hope you are feeling all better, but I still worry about your health and well being, as I think that there are things you need to see in your life and make a few adjustments in your personal life that until you do that your back and health is going to continue to suffer, you have been carrying an emotional load that does not belong to you for tooooooooo many years and that’s why your back is suffering and until you let go of this emotional load and give it back to the right person your health and back will keep getting aggravated. Still, because of your loyalty, you are not completely being true to yourself, and when we are not true to ourselves, our health suffers. When I read Norman’s and Alice Miller’s words below, you come to my mind.

Saying the truth or being loyal

Dear Alice Miller, feel free to publish this letter on your website if you find it interesting.

In your post "Barbara's Forum 2", you write that instead of understanding, you received personal attacks. I am sorry to hear that, because I was personally attacked as well. Like you, I was attacked after I criticized IFS therapy (in my forum). Why did I have to be attacked? Because I expressed disagreement with a person I was supposed to be "loyal" to?

Criticism is essential when we work to find the truth; sometimes, this truth is more important to me than "loyalty". It is not possible to hold one's own opinion and claim that everyone is right at the same time. There is a difference between the truth and lies, and you have shown in numerous examples that the body also knows it. No postmodern philosophy or eclectic naivety can alter this fundamental fact of life. The truth is not always easy to accept, of course. It is often painful and unwelcome. Besides, it makes us mad when someone else points a finger and says, "You're wrong". But what if he is correct?

You were attacked personally because you "dared" to criticize and to break your "loyalty" in order not to betray yourself and your convictions. Some people obviously thought that this was reason enough to try to punish you. To me, it was familiar because this is what my mother did whenever I dared to question her versions of the truth: to punish me, to try to belittle me.

This was the dictatorship I grew up in, like so many other readers, I am sure. Indeed, this is how my persecutors' mothers had done to them in childhood: punished them for criticism. What other reason can there be for their behavior? Seemingly free from their mothers, they fight their scapegoats in the name of freedom. They were taught that to criticize is a crime against humanity, and that they have to always smile with agreement, unless they are treated with the most brutal sadism possible. They were told to keep their opinions to themselves because it is rude to disagree. Such people's rage is understandable. Every child needs her parents to appreciate and listen to her views. What is less acceptable is their behavior and hypocrisy as adults.

Norman.

AM: I agree with you. Fortunate are the few children who can express their criticism, who are listened to, taken seriously, and understood by their parents. They receive a precious gift for their whole life. But for most children, saying the truth meant mortal danger. They are often brutally punished simply for speaking their minds and expressing their honest feelings and thoughts. As adults, they frequently employ the same methods as their parents did before, without being aware of the consequences. They are blindly attacking everybody who questions their traditional "opinions" given by their parents. Their children can do nothing else but obey and stay loyal. Only adults can take legal action if it involves criminal harassment or severe defamation.

XA: Sylvie – I am feeling better every day, and I’m pleased about it. You’re speaking in code here, and you’re not being clear about what you are getting at. But I honestly don’t think you’ve gone to the depth to understand me or what I have been through. To be very frank with you, your worry feels a lot like a lack of control. I am not controllable, so you might as well give up. I’m hopeful you can reflect on yourself and get what I mean about being controlling, because it will free you in ways that would be wonderful for you. I can tell you that for me, this control is totally dull and dead. My not responding to it is the best encouragement I can give you to let go.

Best,
XA

Sylvie: Hi XA, I am glad to hear you are feeling better every day. Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I understand your feelings and where they are coming from, even though those feelings are being misdirected. To protect the people we love in our lives, seeing them clearly does not mean we love them any less; to the contrary, we can be more helpful to them and ourselves. You have been controlled and manipulated for many years, and your anger is justified, but directing it at the wrong person does not get resolved, and this has been the main reason you have back problems. I am pretty sure that if you had seen this earlier and taken this person off your back, your back would have healed without the need for surgery. I have been trying to help you see it because that would benefit your overall health, and in the process, free you to write my project effortlessly. The fact that you cannot see yourself and the people in your life clearly might affect my project; time will tell. I am totally detached, and whatever happens, happens. Still, of course, I would like you to take this job to the end, because you are a very talented writer, and I can only imagine how high you could fly if you could break free. If you don’t want to deal with me or the material of my project, please be honest with me and let me know. Then, you can finish the last paid pages, and we will be done. You won't have to deal with me anymore. The fact that I cannot express myself freely with you is becoming very uncomfortable, and I am getting tired of tiptoeing on eggshells.  I understand you are not ready to see certain things in your life, and I will give up trying and let it go. I apologize for even trying. I know I cannot make someone see what they don’t want to or are not ready to see, because trying to force someone to see that would be reenacting my childhood drama all over again, so I will let it go.
But please know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I am available forever. Sylvie

XA: Sylvie – speak plainly. Who are you saying is the person manipulating me?

Sylvie: XA, I wish you could figure it out for yourself and I know it’s hard, painful for you to see that you are repeating, reenacting your childhood drama, the first manipulative person in your life was your mother and you freed yourself from her, but you found the mother of manipulation, a more sophisticated, more intelligent, charming and manipulative person to take over where your mother leftover and your childhood drama continues, but now with brand new seductive label. I am not going to mention her name because I like her too, but if you don’t get this person off your back, your health will continue to suffer. If you could take a vacation alone, maybe visit your family for awhile and spend as much time alone as possible to be with your true feelings and thoughts without the interference of others feelings and thoughts, it might help you see for yourself and sort it all out, so you can see what feelings and thoughts are truthful yours, because when we are in the middle of things it’s hard to see the roles everyone is playing and what feelings belong to whom. Of course, this is just a suggestion. And I can’t be more blunt than this.
Wishing much courage to see yourself and others clearly, sylvie


XA: I’m sorry you feel that way, Sylvie. You are so far out on a limb that I’m sure you’re not interested in what I say and feel. If you had, you would never have deluded yourself to this extent.
My life is entirely of my own making, and I am very pleased with the achievement thus far. More so now than ever.
My health is increasing every day, and on a deeper level of the body than you can possibly be aware of. I think you are too insecure to be anything but the “teacher,” and so you just teach, teach, teach, even when there is something huge for you to learn. In fact, the more insecure you feel, the more you act as “teacher.” There’s a saying – a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And you’ve got it.
From the emails you’ve sent me, I know you give this same treatment to many people, so I am not different in that regard. You have the same story for everyone, and that is control, plain and simple.
Your sisters have made a greater impression on you than you're willing to admit.  Without invitation, you saw me in the hospital at my most vulnerable. You’ve abused that intimacy by judging me according to your own narrow agenda. You say you care, but your caring is twisted with judgment. And your judgment is ignorant and banal. You’ve taken me lightly. You’ve missed me completely. You’ve dismissed my own expression as if it means nothing compared to your little corner of knowledge.
But you can’t dismiss this: I don’t associate with people who don’t respect me and my life. I know you have problems in your life and that you are trying to work them out by working on other people. But nothing excuses the lack of respect you show me.
I will complete the section of the project I’m working on that you’ve paid for, and that is it. I’ll send it to you and arrange to return the materials of yours that I have. That will be the end of it. You have always worried about the process of writing your project getting interrupted, and now you have completed it. The sabotage is yours.

XA

Subject: Received Letters --- Thank you    SAT, 10-31-10 8:59 AM

If you ever gather the courage to see and feel the painful truths behind the beautiful veil of XXX. You have a friend here who will always understand you. You know how to find me.

Best, sylvie

Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2010, 10:19 AM

Hi XA,
I was pleased with our meeting yesterday! I am looking forward to going with you on Friday to XXX, but I must be honest with you that I am a little skeptical. I went to the website and I like a lot of what I read, especially how our beliefs are what get us into trouble. I tell people that I don’t have beliefs anymore! There are things I know, and there are things that I don’t know! When we know instead of believing, we will have the courage to be true to ourselves. Beliefs are passed down to us, so they should be received with doubt! Of course, now that I am living my real life, I would love to prolong it for a very long time! But forever! I don’t know if such a thing is possible! I usually say: the first 20 years of our lives, our family screw us up and the second twenty years of our lives we unconsciously and compulsively keep repeating, recreating, reenacting our childhood drama over and over again… for those of us fortune to have courage to explore and look at the naked true and capable of feeling all of our feelings and repressed emotions, we can free ourselves from the vicious circle and if we live until we are 90, we really only get to live 50 years of our actual life!!!
See you Friday, sylvie


RE: Thursday, February 18,2010 10:24 AM

Just after I sent you an email, I got yours. Your skepticism is perfectly understandable, and I’m glad you’re coming to see for yourself. As you say, we spend a lot of time clearing out old baggage, so I say the best is yet to come!

From: Sylvie  Sent: Sunday, February 21, 2010 1:26 PM To: XA Subject: Re: I had fun last night!!!


Hi XA, I hope you are having a good weekend. Now that I have had a good night's sleep and can reflect on everything, I have a few questions. As I said yesterday, I had fun Friday night and enjoyed the singers, dancers, and listening to the things they were saying, because I identified with most of it, NOT ALL OF IT! And I would definitely love to go back on a Friday here and there and spend time with these fun people. As I mentioned to the leaders, it has been a long and arduous journey to reach my current position. Now looking back, I see clearly through the manipulations and can articulate how I truly feel! I am curious how long exactly you have been with XXX? And how exactly were you feeling when you joined the group? Also, have you ever taken a break from the group? Do you like stopping for long periods of time? And if you have taken a long break from XXX, did the old feelings come back? I hope that you don’t feel I am being intrusive, but I must have an open and honest relationship with the person who will help me write my project. I hope you mean the words   “Face everything and avoid nothing.”  I have shared with you that Deepak Chopra is my favorite charlatan because I really enjoy listening to most of what he has to say. I feel that people like him, who are very articulate and say very seductive words and beautiful things that make us feel good, keep us numb, just like a drug.  My experience has been the same as Alice Miller’ as she says in her article “The Longest Journey”  “…It has taken me all my life to allow myself to be what I am and to listen to what my inner self is telling me, more and more directly, without waiting for permission from others or currying approval from people symbolizing my parents.”
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=56&grp=11
I am feeling the group XXX could become the substitute parents and wants their followers dependent on them, just like parents/caretakers enjoyed controlling, manipulating, and having their children dependent on them. The more controlling, manipulative, and abusive the families of origin are, the more their children become dependent on them or the more vulnerable they become in adult life to become dependent on charismatic people symbolizing their parents and staying trapped in the type of relationships where one plays the role of parent and others play the role of the child. Another example is the followers of the Secret by James Arthur Ray, who symbolize their parents/caretakers, and the followers, “the good children,” who follow his directions without question. Two of them paid the price with their lives for this mistake. Another example is religion; it is the all-powerful parent, and the followers' permanent role is that of a child.  Our goal is to become independent adults, stand on our own two feet without crutches.
I am going to share with you, in the link below, three emails I sent to Oprah. I am sure she never read them. However, what I said to her provides an example of what I am trying to convey here, as well as a blog I posted on MySpace about Oprah.
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=84516927&blogId=536533740
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=84516927&blogId=535354234
Have a good day and talk more later, sylvie

Hi Sylvie, yes, the weekend was excellent. I thought of you and wished you could have been there. I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me about your experience with us at XXX, and I want you to always feel free to do so. I’m in a bit of a rush this morning, catching up on work, but I’ll be happy to share my own experiences and discuss further. I think it’s essential to consider everything so you can truly understand how you feel about us. We actually discussed the parent thing this weekend, how each person has to experience being physically immortal for themselves. Yes, we have great people to lead things, but ultimately, it’s personal; it comes down to each one of us experiencing who we really are. We are serious about ending death, which means ending all the old structures and manipulations and roles people have played with each other, because those are the boxes that turn into coffins. So we’re about being out of the box all the way! I’m glad you’ll be with us on Friday, as it’s an ongoing unfolding of our lives, and you can feel free to ask questions at events as well.

Talk to you soon!
 XA

From: Sylvie Sent: Tuesday, February 23, 2010 1:55 PM
To: XASubject: RE: I Had Fun Last Night

Hi XA, thank you for writing.
The part I had a problem with was when XB and X said that we need to have both feet in the group, not one foot in and one foot out, and the need to attend all the time. I see that as trying to manipulate people to feel they need the group or vice versa, to achieve the feeling of being a live, immortal; to me, that is a reenacting all over again a dependent relationship, like parent and child, one being in the role of parent (the leaders) and the other being in the role of a child (the followers). I am a great example that we can achieve this feeling without being dependent on anyone or group; actually, we will never achieve freedom and autonomy if we remain stuck in a dependent relationship. Today I feel immortal!  And I am entirely alive! Will I feel this way forever? I don’t know, and I am not concerned about it. I achieved this state alone, with the help of Alice Miller's books and website, without being dependent on her or her influence. We do need a true enlightened whiteness, but that can be anyone and take the form of a book, not a specific person or group. Whenever you have extra time, read the article “The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society” in the link below. I will try to share some day in the events as well, but I am not used to talking in front of an audience, and it won't be easy for me. However, I see it as an excellent opportunity to practice talking in front of an audience. Talk more later, sylvie
http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=41&grp=11

RE: I had fun last night!!! Thursday, 2-25-10 9:56 AM
Hi Sylvie – if you can listen to the radio show today, it might just help address some of your concerns – 11:00 a.m. or 1100kfnx.com. I know this is a minute's warning again. . .
 Best,
XA

From: Sylvie  Sent: Saturday, March 20, 2010 9:01 AM To: XA Subject: need to clarify something...


Hi XA,
Yesterday, I enjoyed the entertainment and listened to everyone's expressions! You're a lot of fun and good people to be around!
Next Friday, I will have to go to XXX and express myself again, as I will have to build on my expression from last night. Yesterday, I said I arrived at this place of happiness and joy alone. It's true, but it's not the complete truth. Being completely honest is the only way I can be.  X says that we need the support of other people, which is very accurate; we cannot make it alone without finding the support of another like-minded person, but where I don’t entirely agree is that it has to be at the physical level. I arrived here physically alone, but I received support from another person who could see exactly what I saw and felt, albeit indirectly, through books. And I found this support at a crucial time, because I don’t think I would have survived much longer alone with the Knowledge I always knew.
I hope you are having a good day and are free of pain. Best wishes, sylvie


From: XA Subject: RE: Need to Clarify Something...To: "Sylvie Date: Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 11:25 AM

Sylvie – I’m so glad that you did find the support you needed, however it came. What we’re looking at now is about being here forever. I don’t think a book is going to do it for any of us in that regard. To live forever, it will take people. This is a big one, because death comes by way of people, too, which makes us not want to go too deep with people. So it has to be the RIGHT people. We also need to be aware of the difference. And that’s a huge thing to get in touch with! But then again, we are huge people, right?

Best,
XA
From: Sylvie  Sent: Thursday, March 25, 2010 10:24 AM To: XASubject: RE: need to clarify something...


Hi XA,
Nice to hear from you -- How have you been feeling? You have been on my mind a lot. I hope your pain has not been bothering you too much. I used to suffer from allergies, and I have no doubt that the reason I suffered from allergies was because of my childhood repression. As soon as I made the connection and consciously felt the repressed emotions still in me from my childhood, the allergies left me. My allergies got really bad! Constantly running nose! Like a faucet! Eyes burning! I could not breathe! It was awful! I am sooooo happy to finally be free from this condition and never have to take another allergy pill. When the time arrives that repression no longer works, the body symptoms get worse and worse to force us to pay attention and listen to the child we once were, and feel the genuine emotions still repressed in us. It reminds me of Alice Miller’s words to one of her readers: “…..Giving drama to your parents will hardly help you. Even if your parents changed, miraculously, the memory of what happened to you when you were a small child will stay unchanged, and will need your feelings of pain and anger to be able to bring you the health and freedom you are looking for. ....”
  ....I went through this illusion for years, writing letters to my family and sending them all books. Still, they could not face, see the truth, and feel their repressed emotions, and at the end, I had to feel my pain of coming from a family that lacks courage and is not capable of seeing and feeling, and I had to feel all of my repressed emotions alone. I remember one day going through my rage towards my family and ripping some of their pictures that I had with me in the States. Like Alice Miller said to his readers, even if they “miraculously changed,” I still would have to feel my repressed emotions, and nothing could ever have changed that. ....

Sometimes I feel concerned that ghostwriting my project might trigger painful repressed emotions, and if you are not ready to deal with them, you will lose interest in ghostwriting my project.
 Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, Sylvie


From: XASent: Thursday, March 25, 2010 03:59 PMTo: SylvieSubject: RE: need to clarify something...

Hi Sylvie – thank you for your email, and I’m glad you enjoyed the radio show. I am doing really well and am looking forward to your project. I’m not afraid in the least. So, pls. Don’t worry about that. The thing that bothers me the most is boredom. And I don’t think you’re project is going to be boring.
I’ve been through a lot of tough things both before and after I woke to physical immortality. I went through a lot with my family and experienced a lot of frustration trying to get them to see what I saw. Finally, I gave it up – one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I agree that repression of childhood experiences can wreak havoc in the body. However, I don’t think it’s the cause of all bodily pain. Sometimes we just need extra work in certain areas to rebuild our bodies from wear and tear, such as through sports and prolonged periods of sitting at a desk.

My main childhood-related thing was emotional pain. The more I woke up, the more I became aware of the depression in my body. It used to be a daily battle for me, but I never accepted that I was supposed to be depressed. Quite the opposite, I knew it was a lie, so I just kept going, until now, I just don’t feel it anymore. This is great.

I will get you an estimate for the project by this weekend.
See you tomorrow!

XA
From: sylvie Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 10:58 AM To: XASubject: the danger of gurus

 OPEN LETTER TO THE PARTICIPANTS IN THE FORUM - MAY 2001

To Steven and all the others:  I'm not a guru.

Hi Steven, thank you for raising the issue of "guruism" and for sharing your concerns with me.  To be a guru-believer and want to grow is, in my opinion, a contradiction in itself, because a guru sells their "wisdom" at the price of people's authenticity.  I hope that nobody here will need to see in me a guru, especially if you make them aware of this danger to them, as you convincingly did in your letter of May 16 to Anna.

You wonder about my childhood.  Like you, I was a stranger to everybody in my family.  Today, I know for sure that I was unwanted, rejected from the moment of conception on, never loved, emotionally completely neglected, and used for the needs of others.  But above all, I was lied to; I grew up with a perfect hypocrisy.  My parents, both absolutely unconscious of their true feelings, pretended to love me very much, and I believed this (because I so much needed this illusion) for more than 40 years of my life until I started to suspect the truth hidden behind their pretensions, hidden probably to them too.

Suspecting is not yet as much as knowing for sure, but it was the start.  It took me 20 years more to get rid of my denial because I was so alone with the knowledge of my body and my dreams, and a wall of denial surrounded me wherever I opened my mouth.  Writing and painting were the only ways to continue with my search without being offended and "punished" for being a troublemaker.

The reactions to my writing showed me that what I discovered about myself was also true for some others.  I felt then less alone.  I began to work with groups of young parents. I found again and again the same pattern, the emotional blindness of parents who were afraid of confronting their past traumas and inflicting them unconsciously on their children.  And now we are finding it together on this forum.  Thus, for the first time in my life, I no longer feel like a stranger; I feel a part of a group of people who think like me, whom I don't need to convince, to inform, to shake, to wake up.  I am here with people who are not scared by what I am saying, who understand me because they have known the same terror, who say so many things that move me profoundly, and with whom I can openly communicate, just as I have always wanted but was not given the chance.

This is more than I ever dared to wish.  Talking freely about one's feelings, without using the well-known conventional defenses, was, in my opinion, possible only in dreams or on another planet.  And now, surprisingly to myself, this became reality.  Unbelievable!

So, please don't see me as a guru; this would again put me in a special position that I no longer want to be in.  I am not your teacher or leader, am not giving advices or imposing anything on you, I am not your mother or grandmother, I am Alice, a sister in pain, like Bent's sister Toril who can tell him: I know what you are talking about, I know dad and mom and the answers they gave us because I can finally feel.  And Bent can say the same to Toril.  I am not the author here; I am one of the people who endured a horror in their childhood, like you, and who enjoy knowing that what they say in English or German, or whatever, will not be received as sounding Chinese to others.  Can you imagine that I had this feeling all my life until recently?  Thank you all for being there.

Alice Miller

http://www.sylvieshene.com/articles-open_letter.htm

From: XASubject: RE: The danger of gurusTo: "Sylvie 'Date: Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 2:42 PM
Regarding your last email, we are definitely not into gurus. Gurus present themselves as somewhat perfect, which is ridiculous, and then don’t let you get close enough to see how they really live their daily lives. We are about a real togetherness, where everyone can manifest their total aliveness, not just a guru. I think it’s great to learn from one another, as long as each of us knows that we actually have to make the moves to live and doesn’t try to live through anyone else.

See you tomorrow, hopefully!
XA

From: Sylvie Sent: Wednesday, March 17, 2010 8:23 PM To: XASubject: RE: The danger of gurus.


Thank you, XA – Yes! Life is a lot more enjoyable when it is shared with other like-minded people and those who have faced their own personal history and repressions; otherwise, the compulsion of repetition will continue.
 Hopefully, I will see you after tomorrow, Sylvie

From: XA
Sent: Thursday, March 18, 2010, 9:07 AM
To: Sylvie
Subject: The Danger of gurus.
So true, Sylvie. We wake up so that we don’t have to repeat any more
Also, about wondering if physical immortality is an illusion . . . what we are feeling is that the real illusion is that we have to fall apart and die. We believe this is all connected to an old way of living that refuses to change, that refuses to wake up. So, they live in the illusion that there is no other option, which frees them from the responsibility of being truly awake. However, we are taking on that responsibility because we are tired of repeating the old life. We are waking ourselves up.

From: Sylvie  Sent: Monday, April 19, 2010 9:44 AM To: XASubject: Re: Radio show


Good morning XA,
I hope the weekend event was fun. I have marked my calendar for the next month's event! So, nothing will get in the way now.

I am looking forward to it, even though attending a weekend event is like getting both feet in, and I am not too comfortable with that. Throughout my life, I have never entered anything with both feet. I have always kept one foot out, and looking back, I see it was a lifesaver, because I have avoided falling into traps.
Have a great Monday, Sylvie

Schiavone: "You see, all religions believe in a god..." Actually, Ms. Shene, not all religions believe in a deity or deities. Buddhism and Confucianism are examples. There are even Jews who consider themselves atheists. But even in secular...ar doctrines, there are illusions, such as "negative" and "positive" feelings in Buddhism and the emphasis of respecting and honoring parents/ancestors regardless of how horrible they are in Confucianism and other secular philosophies. Even if the higher power isn't God, Allah, etc., parents/ancestors take the deity's place in this situation. Living in denial is dangerous, whether someone believes in a god or not.

"Michael Jackson might still be here with us today if he had someone in his life with the courage to speak the truth to him." True, but it would have been much better if he had the courage within him to condemn his cruel and greedy father. (And to a lesser extent, his mother for not doing enough to protect him and his siblings.) Yes, someone could have told him the truth, but it would have been up to him to accept it. In other words, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Posted by Schiavonne on Saturday, October 30, 2010 - 12:41 PM

Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=84516927&blogId=540231187#ixzz13sFl8pWS

sylvieshene.com: Thank you, Schiavone. You are right, not all religions believe in god, but all do have illusions!!! Thank you for bringing it to my attention, and I will change it to most religions. I agree with everything you wrote. You are so right; in the end, it has to be the individual who dares to see and feel their own painful truth.

Posted by sylvieshene.com on Saturday, October 30, 2010 - 12:58 PM

Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=84516927&blogId=540231187#ixzz13sGOqmq4