Thursday, March 10, 2022

I'm Amazed how Many People Feel Free to Show me their True Colors

I was asked if I would write the letter below to help with a court case. 

Because I’m extremely dyslexic writing is one of the most difficult things for me to do in life! So once I write something down I just want to publish it and share it with others. Of course, keeping the people involved anonymous. 

 Dear Dr. T,

Let me introduce myself a little bit. I have been working for the last 17 years as a gate attendant for upscale gated communities in and around the Scottsdale area in Arizona.

I’m a survivor of childhood traumas and in 2015 I also survived being the target in the workplace of a psychological warfare. So you could say in my heart I’m a child advocate and an educator of how people with unresolved childhood repression can become, as adults, very dangerous people, like I encountered at the last company I worked for and keep encountering in the workplace. The workplace can be a very dangerous place to be in.

I met the P family six years ago when I started working at the gated community where they used to live.  I’m writing this teary-eyed because when I started working at their gated community I was suffering from PTSD from the psychological warfare I just had gone through at my last job. And I will never forget Mrs. P, C’s Mom, kindness that was very helpful in my recovery from the very recent traumatic experience.

 For the last few years while working at the community where the P family lived I only witnessed C being an excellent mother, talking with her daughter with patience and kindness, and no doubt the welfare of her daughter is her number one priority.

 I have not witnessed Mr.  X, A's father, interact together with his daughter, but he didn’t leave a positive impression on me. He was annoyed that I didn’t give him access into the community right away, but it’s part of my job to check the resident’s admit list and if the guest is not on the list I have to call the resident for permission to admit.

It’s amazing to me how many people feel free to show me their true colors, every day, just because they suffer from the illusion that some people are less than them, like for example security guards.  To me, we are all equals in this journey of life.

 Sincerely,

 Sylvie Imelda Shene

 

This ain’t my first rodeo

 


Gets easier the second time around! 
The characters changed a little bit but the play is exactly the same.
Now, for the most part, all I have to do is copy and paste to express myself. I don't have to write much new stuff. 


"ABUSE BY PROXY

is when the narcissist gets other people to abuse you. That way the narcissist gets to abuse you but indirectly through the flying monkeys who might reject you or make you feel not good enough.

Maybe they'll shame you or put you in a bad situation, maybe they'll extract information from you or maybe they'll even tell you that you're crazy. Abuse by proxy allows the narcissist to look clean, appearing to not be involved, when really they've orchestrated it all."

Yes, I have seen this play being played before. I know who the director is that orchestrated it all. And I have to be on the lookout for all the flying monkeys he sends my way. 
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2015/02/cowards-always-get-others-to-do-dirty.html

All malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to play the victim card and make appear their real victims as the abusers, but when their targets are able to see clearly the games they play and articulate the real situation of what really is taking place; the targets of the malignant narcissists cease of becoming a victim. 
 

Totally! Since my emotional liberation, I have less and less tolerance for liars, passive-aggressive nonsense, and the dramas toxic narcissists create.  



"The Discard Phase 

The Discard phase is the worst. This is when they no longer need you, and have other people and situations in place to fill their needs. Man, the monster comes out. They treat you like you are nothing? and worthless. They can't even be bothered with explaining things to you. They treat you like you are a bother. And when you tell them you sense something is wrong, they will literally tell you, you are crazy, while, at the same time, they are walking out the door. There is something so broken inside these people. I can't stress enough how dangerous and disordered they are. They take everything from you, milking you till you got nothing left, and then they throw you away like garbage, and they can't even be bothered to explain or talk to you. You are not even worth that... They are disgusting human beings. No one should ever be treated that way. It's inhumane. And trust me they think they are great people, and have done nothing wrong. That's how sick this pathology is... Just remember it is not you. Don't take on their crap, they are sick individuals..."  -Maria Consiglio


"Please understand this,
Narcissists are severely emotionally stunted, underdeveloped adults. Regardless of however high mentally functioning they appear to be, they have the emotional intelligence of an angry, irrational young child."

I know, narcissists are stuck in childhood and diaper stage acting as if personalities pretending to be all grown up and good people but are wolves in sheep's clothing. 

The words below by Alice Miller explain beautifully why so many "intelligent" and "talented" people fall for politicians like Donald Trump and PUTIN the capacity to resist a totalitarian state has nothing to do with intelligence, but with the degree of access to our true self.

"Just as in the symbiosis of the "diaper stage," there is no separation here of subject and object. If the child learns to view corporal punishment as "a necessary measure" against "wrongdoers," then as an adult he will attempt to protect himself from punishment by being obedient and will not hesitate to cooperate with the penal system. In a totalitarian state, which is a mirror of his upbringing, this citizen can also carry out any form of torture or persecution without having a guilty conscience. His "will" is completely identical with that of the government.

Now that we have seen how easy it is for intellectuals in a dictatorship to be corrupted, it would be a vestige of aristocratic snobbery to think that only "the uneducated masses" are susceptible to propaganda.

Both Hitler and Stalin had a surprisingly large number of enthusiastic followers among intellectuals. 

Our capacity to resist has nothing to do with our intelligence but with the degree of access to our true self.

Indeed, intelligence is capable of innumerable rationalizations when it comes to the matter of adaptation.

Educators have always known this and have exploited it for their own purposes, as the following proverb suggests: "The clever person gives in, the stupid one balks." For example, we read in a work on child raising by Grünwald (1899): "I have never yet found willfulness in an intellectually advanced or exceptionally gifted child" (quoted in Rutschky). Such a child can, in later life, exhibit extraordinary acuity in criticizing the ideologies of his opponents--and in puberty even the views by his own parents-- because in these cases his intellectual powers can function without impairment. 

Only within a group--such as one consisting of adherents of an ideology or a theoretical school--that represents the early family situation will this person on occasion still display a naïve submissiveness and uncritical attitude that completely belie his brilliance in other situations. Here, tragically, his early dependence upon tyrannical parents is preserved, a dependence that--in keeping with the program of "poisonous pedagogy"--goes undetected. This explains why Martin Heidegger, for example, who had no trouble in breaking with traditional philosophy and leaving behind the teachers of his adolescence, was not able to see the contradictions in Hitler's ideology that should have been obvious to someone of his intelligence. He responded to this ideology with an infantile fascination and devotion that brooked no criticism.”

From the book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence page 42 and 43



Monday, March 7, 2022

In a World of Lies the Truth is Treated as Committing a Crime

 

“If we hate hypocrisy, insincerity, and mendacity, then we grant ourselves the right to fight them wherever we can, or to withdraw from people who only trust in lies. But if we pretend that we are impervious to these things, then we are betraying ourselves.” Alice Miller
Free from Lies: Discovering Your True Needs page 55

If I had written a book, like many bestselling authors out there, recycling the same old seductive lies and half disconnected truths that people like to hear and does not challenge the sociopaths in power positions, everyone would be loving me, but because I wrote a book that exposes the lies and illusions of the charlatans in our world, I was attacked by a mob of sociopaths trying to destroy me. I can testify to: “that no one is more hated than he who speaks the truth” The fact that I was attacked by a mob of sociopaths is proof I wrote a truthful book that exposes the lies and illusions of the charlatans of the world.

"When Exposing a Crime is Treated as Committing a Crime, You Are Ruled By Criminals."

Abusers, and manipulators get a hero’s treatment and someone that is truthful, honest and authentic gets treated like a criminal! True heroes don't get recognized in our society. We really live in upside down worldThings have not changed much since Galileo’s time


"When Galileo Galilei in 1613 presented mathematical proof for the Copernican theory that the earth revolved around the sun and not the opposite, it was labeled "false and absurd" by the Church. Galileo was forced to recant and subsequently became blind. 

Not until three hundred years later did the Church finally decide to give up its illusion and remove his writings from the Index. 

Now we find ourselves in a situation similar to that of the Church in Galileo's time, but for us today much more hangs in the balance. 

Whether we decide for truth or for illusion will have far more serious consequences for the survival of humanity than was the case in the seventeenth century. 

For some years now, there has been proof that the devastating effects of the traumatization of children take their inevitable toll on society – a fact that we are still forbidden to recognize. 

This knowledge concerns every single one of us, and – if disseminated widely enough – should lead to fundamental changes in society; above all, to a halt in the blind escalation of violence. The following points are intended to amplify my meaning: 

  1. All children are born to grow, to develop, to live, to love, and to articulate their needs and feelings for their self-protection.
  2. For their development, children need the respect and protection of adults who take them seriously, love them, and honestly help them to become oriented in the world.
  3. When these vital needs are frustrated and children are, instead, abused for the sake of adults' needs by being exploited, beaten, punished, taken advantage of, manipulated, neglected, or deceived without the intervention of any witness, then their integrity will be lastingly impaired.
  4. The normal reactions to such injury should be anger and pain. Since children in this hurtful kind of environment are forbidden to express their anger, however, and since it would be unbearable to experience their pain all alone, they are compelled to suppress their feelings, repress all memory of the trauma, and idealize those guilty of the abuse. Later they will have no memory of what was done to them.
  5. Disassociated from the original cause, their feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, longing, anxiety, and pain will find expression in destructive acts against others (criminal behavior, mass murder) or against themselves (drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution, psychic disorders, suicide).
  6. If these people become parents, they will then often direct acts of revenge for their mistreatment in childhood against their own children, whom they use as scapegoats. Child abuse is still sanctioned – indeed, held in high regard – in our society as long as it is defined as child-rearing. It is a tragic fact that parents beat their children in order to escape the emotions stemming from how they were treated by their own parents
  7. If mistreated children are not to become criminals or mentally ill, it is essential that at least once in their life they come in contact with a person who knows without any doubt that the environment, not the helpless, battered child, is at fault. In this regard, knowledge or ignorance on the part of society can be instrumental in either saving or destroying a life. Here lies the great opportunity for relatives, social workers, therapists, teachers, doctors, psychiatrists, officials, and nurses to support the child and to believe her or him.
  8. Till now, society has protected the adult and blamed the victim. It has been abetted in its blindness by theories, still in keeping with the pedagogical principles of our great-grandparents, according to which children are viewed as crafty creatures, dominated by wicked drives, who invent stories and attack their innocent parents or desire them sexually. In reality, children tend to blame themselves for their parents' cruelty and to absolve the parents, whom they invariably love, of all responsibility.
  9. For some years now, it has been possible to prove, through new therapeutic methods, that repressed traumatic experiences of childhood are stored up in the body and, though unconscious, exert an influence even in adulthood. In addition, electronic testing of the fetus has revealed a fact previously unknown to most adults – that a child responds to and learns both tenderness and cruelty from the very beginning.
  10. In the light of this new knowledge, even the most absurd behavior reveals its formerly hidden logic once the traumatic experiences of childhood need no longer remain shrouded in darkness.
  11. Our sensitization to the cruelty with which children are treated, until now commonly denied, and to the consequences of such treatment will as a matter of course bring to an end the perpetuation of violence from generation to generation.
  12. People whose integrity has not been damaged in childhood, who were protected, respected, and treated with honesty by their parents, will be – both in their youth and in adulthood – intelligent, responsive, empathic, and highly sensitive. They will take pleasure in life and will not feel any need to kill or even hurt others or themselves. They will use their power to defend themselves, not to attack others. They will not be able to do otherwise than respect and protect those weaker than themselves, including their children, because this is what they have learned from their own experience, and because it is this knowledge (and not the experience of cruelty) that has been stored up inside them from the beginning. It will be inconceivable to such people that earlier generations had to build up a gigantic war industry in order to feel comfortable and safe in this world. Since it will not be their unconscious drive in life to ward off intimidation experienced at a very early age, they will be able to deal with attempts at intimidation in their adult life more rationally and more creatively."  From the Afterword to the Second Edition (1984) of For Your Own Good By Alice Miller





"Children who are told the truth and are not brought up to tolerate lies and cruelty can develop as freely as plant whose roots have not been attacked by pests (in our case, lies)" Alice Miller 
And lies is the fuel that creates wars. 

Friday, March 4, 2022

These are Big Red Flags

The workplace is one of the most dangerous places to be in. And these behaviors will never stop as long as people's childhood repression goes unresolved.

6. They try to avoid leaving a trail

@fallontonight / NBC / Via giphy.com

"When you ask something important in email, they come to talk to you in person or do it over the phone. They can deny saying things if it’s not on the books." —u/Avocado_Tomato

9. You don't feel comfortable asking questions

@cbc / Via giphy.com

"Either you don't feel safe or comfortable enough or if you do, your questions are dismissed or you are belittled in response (at any level)." —u/verifiedalmosthuma

10. You feel like you can't make mistakes

@friends / NBC / Via giphy.com

"Being afraid to make a mistake because if you do, you'll be berated far beyond what's appropriate, even if the mistake is minor and easy to fix. They also won't tell you why what you did was wrong; they'd rather scream at you." —u/yeetgodmcnechass

11. Promotions and raises aren't merit-based

@snl / NBC / Via giphy.com

"[They're] dependent on who gets along with whom, who sucks up to whom, and who is in the 'inner clique' with the higher-ups, not who's actually good at their job, diligent, innovative with solutions, trying to better the company, etc." —u/amazingstillitseems

Read more in the link below:

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/21-toxic-workplace-behaviors-stop-024602171.html


"Not only do Narcs/sociopaths try to provoke and bait you into having a bad reaction that fits the narrative of their smear campaign, but they will rehearse and stage setups with the flying monkeys during public events. As if they are preparing for a scene in a movie. It's that premeditated." 
DR. MELANIE CABRERA, PSY 

Yes, I know it's that premeditated. It's pure evil. 

Emotional Abuse in the Workplace

"Physical violence can be testified to be outside evidence: eyewitness, police and medical reports. With emotional abuse, there is no proof. It's a clean violence. Nobody sees anything. 

Violence and abuse originate in companies when envy of power and perversity collide. The over overpoweringly destructive examples of emotional abuse in couples are less likely to be found but, unfortunately, the small abuse of daily living that do exist in businesses are largely trivialized or ignored.

In companies, universities, and institutions, harassing or abusive procedures are more stereotypical than in the private arena. (P’s jealousy was triggered by my book, and she got mad at me for sending an e-mail about the packages' incidents to all the Rs in my e-mail list, and in retaliation, she and the board, manipulated by her, created the Packages' abusive procedure to punish me, to put me in my place to show me who is the bigger girl. But then I came up with a system that is efficient and works, and I proved their system was flawed and created only to punish me and set me up for failure.  If you have time, you might like reading my January 2015 blog entry, They are Allergic to my Aliveness.

They are no less destructive, although the victims are less exposed because they often leave (illness or resignation) in order to survive. (This is what they were hoping I would do)

WHAT IS ABUSE?
By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychological integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of a said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.

…Business, as well as the media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:

. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees

. Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning

Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply, and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and subjected to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.

Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover.

WHO IS TARGETED
Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …

The victim is stigmatized once the process of harassment gets going. They say she’s impossible to work with, has a terrible disposition, or even that she’s crazy. (This is what M B has been trying to do all along. Telling me I don’t know what I am talking about and calling me paranoid. Last Saturday, when I stopped by. I also told him you are trying to make me look crazy, but I am not crazy, and then he says: I never said you are crazy, and then I said: you call me paranoid all the time, and then he screams at me: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD PARANOID MEANS?) They attribute to her character the consequences of the conflict, forgetting what she was before or what she is now in another context. Pushed to the limit, she often becomes what the employer wants her to become. (Because I can see clearly what they are doing, they have not been able to push me to the limit and have not lost it. I have been keeping my cool, as I said in my blog post Rise Above the Sociopaths' Bullshit: Remember! Rise above the sociopaths' bullshit, because reacting to their lies and nonsense is what they want and is what gives them power.

ISOLATION
Once the decision has been made to psychologically destroy an employee, in order to forestall any possible defense, the person must be isolated by breaking up potential alliances. It’s much more difficult to rebel if you’re alone, especially if you’ve been made to believe that everyone is against you. (This is exactly what is going on, and they tell me I can’t talk to anyone because all abusers want their victims isolated. In our last meeting, S's HR tried to tell me that a Resident and other gate attendants complained that I threatened them, which is a complete lie because I never threaten anyone. The next day, I was afraid to talk to anyone because I was not sure who I could trust anymore! This is exactly what they want me to think: that everyone is out to get me, and that’s why MB keeps calling me paranoid!!!)
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2015/02/emotional-abuse-in-workplace.html





True learning comes only from real experience and an open mind that has not been hijacked by a malignant or corrupted system.

As long as people remain repressed, they have no free will; the dead hand of their own repression will drive them endlessly into the state of compulsive repetition.

Violence is Never the Answer.

Marina González's post on Facebook has a lot of truths, but violence is never the answer. 

https://www.facebook.com/sylne/posts/10158862281768922

Everyone is responsible, and there is never a good excuse to resort to violence and attack innocent beings... violence is never the answer. Violence is just another big illusion.

The words below by John Lennon could not be truer. The sociopaths at my job of nine and half years were hoping I would react to their lies, mind games, and smear campaign, and I would become violent in some form. The system is thirsty for blood, but I don't play their game.

"When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system's game. The establishment will irritate you - pull your beard, flick your face - to make you fight. Because once they've got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don't know how to handle is non-violence and humor." John Lennon

"Children who are told the truth and are not brought up to tolerate lies and cruelty can develop as freely as a plant whose roots have not been attacked by pests (in our case, lies)" Alice Miller. 
Lies are the fuel that creates wars. 


Monday, February 28, 2022

The Root Cause of War

Here is the root cause of all wars. We are all responsible for allowing dangerously repressed people to become leaders. 

The powerful enablers in Putin's life who enabled him to come to power are just as guilty. Ask yourself who in your circle of people you know are sociopaths, psychopaths, malignant narcissists, assholes, bad players, or whatever you like to call these evil people, and you are enabling them to get ahead and into power positions over others for fear of speaking up. One day, these malignant people might become world leaders and put all of our lives in danger like Putin is doing today. Like it or not, we are all responsible. 

Everyone wants to fight corruption from the top, but how we prevent sociopaths from getting into the highest office of the land is to expose them and their corruption at the local level. We fight corruption from the bottom up, not from the top. However, as we witnessed at my place of work, where I worked for nine and a half years, no one dared to expose the sociopaths and their corruption. And no one cares that my livelihood was almost destroyed by these evil players. 

Once we give power to these very dangerously repressed malignant personalities, they will never give up power without destroying the livelihoods of many innocent beings and causing mass destruction. As we are witnessing with Putin, and as has been the case many times before with past dictators. When will the masses wake up and stop giving power to these dangerously repressed malignant personalities?

Let's make it clear that holding information that can be helpful to others is a form of lying and is abuse. Being a passive liar is just as destructive as speaking out loud lies. Lies are the fuel that fuels conflict and wars. https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2022/03/lies-is-fuel-that-creates-wars.html?m=1

"The unconscious compulsion to avenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82

“Humiliations, spankings, and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc., are all forms of mistreatment because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away. 

However, as adults, most abused children will suffer, and let others suffer, from these injuries. This dynamic of violence can deform some victims into hangmen who take revenge even on whole nations and become willing executors to dictators as unutterably appalling as Hitler and other cruel leaders.

Dictators and the dynamics of cruelty
Every dictator torments his people in the same way he was tormented as a child. The humiliations inflicted on these dictators in adult life had nothing like the same influence on their actions as the emotional experiences they went through in their early years. 

Those years are “formative” in the truest sense: in this period, the brain records or “encodes” emotions without (usually) being able to recall them at will. 

As almost every dictator denies his sufferings (his former total helplessness in the face of brutality) there is no way that he can truly come to terms with them. 

Instead, he will have a limitless craving for scapegoats on whom he can avenge himself for the fears and anxieties of childhood without having to re-experience those fears.
Read more in the link below:

“The Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu knew nothing of the way he suffered as a child from having been pent up in one room with ten brothers and sisters in a state of extreme neglect. 

As an adult living in the monomaniacal opulence of luxurious palaces, he repressed all explicit memory of it. But implicit (body) memories of his childhood suffering remained, and they incited him to take vengeance on a whole nation. 

Like his own mother, the women in this dictatorship were not allowed to have abortions. Like his own parents, most couples in Romania were forced to have more children than they wanted or were able to take for. 

As a result, Romanian orphanages were full to bursting with youngsters displaying severe behavioral disorders and disabilities caused by extreme neglect. 

Who needed all those children? No one. Only the dictator himself, whose unconscious memories spurred him to commit atrocities and whose mental barriers prevented him from recognizing them as atrocities. "
Taken from the book “The Truth Will Set You Free” by Alice Miller

"I designate as pessimistic the thought that we are far more dependent than our pride would like to admit on individual human beings (and not only on institutions!), for a single person can gain control over the masses if he learns to use to his own advantage the system under which they were raised. People who have been "pedagogically" manipulated as children are not aware as adults of all that can be done to them. Like the individual authoritarian father, leader figures, in whom the masses see their own father, actually embody the avenging child who needs the masses for his own purposes (of revenge). And this second form of dependence--the dependence of the "great leader" on his childhood, on the unpredictable nature of the unintegrated, enormous potential for hatred within him--is decidedly a very great danger." Taken from the book "For Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence" by Alice Miller (page 243)

A great danger indeed

"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened, can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.

...Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do; it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller


The above excerpt from the article Deception Kills Love by Alice Miller

"It is not true that evil, destructiveness,
and perversion inevitably form part of
human existence, no matter how often this
is maintained. But it is true that we are
daily producing more evil and, with it, an
ocean of suffering for millions that is
absolutely avoidable. When one day the
ignorance arising from childhood
repression is eliminated and humanity
has awakened, an end can be put to the
production of evil.”
— Alice Miller, Banished Knowledge, p. 143

"Children who are told the truth and are not brought up to tolerate lies and cruelty can develop as freely as a plant whose roots have not been attacked by pests (in our case, lies)." Alice Miller 
And lies are the fuel that creates wars. 

The great malady of our society, implicated in all our troubles and affecting us individually and socially, is the idealization of our parents and childhood and the denial of childhood suffering. When we idealize our parents and childhood and deny childhood suffering, it does not go away. It appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence, greed, deceit, and loss of meaning. Our temptation is to isolate these symptoms or try to eradicate them one by one, but the root problem is the idealization of our parents and childhood and the denial of childhood suffering.


Sunday, February 27, 2022

5 Forms of Narcissistic Abuse Used by Covert Narcissists


"Accept that the narcissist is what he/she is. Narcissists are totally incapable of love and deep connection. Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome. You were not loved for YOU as a person. You were viewed as an object and loved for your utility, not for your individuality. You were used for the perks you were able to provide. You were their human helium tank that maintained their inflated view of themselves. I know it sounds harsh, and it's a very painful realization to accept. But the acceptance of this fact is also the very thing that will accelerate your healing and set you free." DR. MELANIE CABRERA, PSY

5 Forms of Narcissistic Abuse Used by Covert Narcissists is another great article by DR. MELANIE CABRERA, PSY  

In this article Dr. Melanie Cabrera articulates beautifully exactly what, very recently, two covert narcissists did, one in my family and the other in the workplace, they invaded my privacy and one even broke into private messages accounts of close relatives and made public private conversations. When thier moves didn't go their way, they just quit and left. 

"As you’ll notice, their behaviors have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their attempts to regain or retain a stable self image. 

Covert, or vulnerable, narcissists differ from their overt (grandiose) counterparts in several ways.  One of the main ways is that, contrary to pop psychology belief, overt narcissists do not have an underlying belief of themselves as inadequate or less than.  They truly believe the world should fall at their feet.  Covert narcissists, on the other hand, have a fragile ego in which shame and envy drive the narcissistic abuse bus.  They absolutely NEED to objectify others and destroy intersubjectivity in their relationships as a way to “prove” to themselves they are not the inadequate beings they feel they are.  In short, they view their inner self as shameful but lack the intrinsic motivation to change.  When combined with deficits in emotional recognition (empathy), deficits in affect regulation, and a biased conceptualization of self and others, you get a covert narcissist.  

In this article, we’ll take a look at five examples of narcissistic abuse used by covert narcissists and what they really mean.  As you’ll notice, their behaviors have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their attempts to regain or retain a stable self image.

  1. Having your social media, emails, phone calls and texts combed through regularly. 

This invasion of privacy serves two distinct aspects of the narcissist’s psyche.  First, this narcissistic abuse relates to testing your boundaries when done early on in the relationship.  To him or her, you have no true privacy as you are something to be “owned” and used to maintain his or her sense of self.  For the covert narcissist, however, this boundary violation morphs into a need to ensure continued hold over you.  He or she needs to make sure you are not speaking ill or otherwise catching on to the game being played. If he or she does not find anything, this maintains the sense of self as adequate and desirable. However, any indication that you are not all about him or her (in a positive light) will lead to an argument, including talking to members of the opposite sex.  Although it may appear that he or she is just starting a fight for the sake of starting a fight, in actuality, the fight is way to preserve the sense of self – his or her perspective is that you should not be talking or gaining attention from

  1. Being unable to leave or enter a room, being locked out

This tactic is typically used just before discard and it is purely an attempt to regain a sense of stable self for the narcissist.  If this form of narcissistic abuse is being used, it is because you have begun to question him or her, have caught on to other incidences of abuse, or are otherwise indicating you are fed up with their behavior.  You perhaps set a boundary.  My narcissistic ex used to lock me out of the bedroom or lock my dog in one room while I was locked in another when I would confront him on his crappy behaviors (usually involving invading my privacy).  They do this in hopes that you will become erratic, yell, beg, plead, etc so that they can use it against you during their smear campaign and ensuing “woe is me” attempts at victimhood."

Read all five examples of Narcissistic Abuse used by Covert Narcissists and what they really mean in the link below:

https://drmelaniecabrera.com/5-forms-of-narcissistic-abuse-used-by-covert-narcissists/