“The grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail.”
― Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
I have always wondered, too, since I was a young girl. "Since adolescence, I have wondered why so many people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly, the fact that some are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge to hurt is not a universal aspect of human nature. So why do some tend to solve their problems by violence while others don't?"
http://www.alice-miller.com/en/the-essential-role-of-an-enlightened-witness-in-society-2/
Now, everyone who knows Portuguese knows how bad my Portuguese is! 
If I knew a deranged person would be taking screenshots of my private messages and making them public. I would have tried to write better!
Someone who spent a lot of time with me but didn't learn anything from me! Because I
didn't go along with her and just told her to walk away, that is not worth
fighting over money – it triggered her repressed hatred -- and is directing it
towards me, and right now, is making me her number one scapegoat! Instead of
taking responsibility for her emotions and consciously feeling them within the
context of her own childhood. She is letting herself be driven by the repressed
emotions of the child she once was to hurt others -- she stole XC's Facebook
page account -- to take revenge on me and others for the mistakes of her
mother.
This was an
opportunity for her to take responsibility for her childhood repression and
consciously feel her emotions within the context of her childhood and be free. Instead, she is just like her mother, lost in projections and transferences
towards scapegoats.
She doesn't
understand that stealing someone's Facebook account to harass people is a bigger
crime than the crime of her aunt, who got money from her mother! And she is not
different or better than the people she hates so much!
If her
mother gives her money away, it is her mother’s problem, not hers, but I guess she
is worried she doesn’t make enough money for herself and wants her mother’s
money too!
If she were
the target of a mob of sociopaths like I was at my job of nine and a half years
and lost more than half of her income -- She would already be in jail, a mental
hospital, or dead!
In the face of adversity, people show who they really are! Now, I know who she really
is and how dangerous the level of her childhood repression can be.
It’s incredible
to me how people reenact their childhood dramas to a T and treat others exactly
the same way they were treated as a defenseless little girl or boy. Her
mother used to stalk her when she was a little girl, and now she is stalking
others, too! She read my book, and she should have learned to understand her
emotions and consciously feel them in the context of her own childhood.
About Transference
At the beginning of our lives, we were, as very small children, totally dependent on our parents. And we believed, we HAD TO believe, that we were loved by them. Even when we were abused, we couldn’t realize this. Then, after 4 years, we grew up and couldn’t avoid suffering from being rejected, hated, and treated cruelly. But as dependent children, we still could not afford to FEEL this suffering; we were too small to deal with these feelings, and thus we had to repress our rage, indignation, and our deep disappointment into our bodies. When we become adults, these repressed feelings stemming from the cruel treatment of our parents may come to the surface, but they are still connected with the small child’s fear of being punished for every sign of rebellion.
Should we, as adults be treated in the same way as our parents treated us as children, many of us – especially if we have been through therapy – can become aware of the cruelty endured before. But the knowledge of the whole amount of cruelty can still rest repressed because the terror happened when we had not yet a name for it. For this reason, we need what we call “the transference”, hating, for instance, another person instead of our mother or father.
The transference is unavoidable if we were once abused children. It can also be highly confusing. But it can be liberating as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life. If we have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the eyes, and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the misleading, confusing, and defensive role of the transference disappears. We can then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what consequences their abuse might have on our lives. They acted like robots, directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection whatsoever.
If we don’t want to become like them, we must strive to SEE them as exactly as possible. We can use in this way the transference as a means for discovering the feelings of the small child that we once were and to deepen our understanding for him or her. At this moment, the transference becomes our guide that will enable the small child in us to BELIEVE what their body KNEW its whole life, but his mind could never believe: that so much evil and hatred can be directed towards a small, innocent child only because the parents have endured the same and have never questioned this.
https://www.alice-miller.com/en/about-transference
She wants to win at all costs, but someone will always come along down the road who will beat you at your own game. It's just a matter of time. By refusing to play the game, you will save your life, but for that, you have to face your own painful truths. And this is why people go on playing the games people play until the very end, because they are too afraid to face the fears of resolving childhood repression. They would rather kill or be killed than face their own painful truths.
“Humiliations, spankings, and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc., are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away. However, as adults, most abused children will suffer and let others suffer from these injuries. This dynamic of violence can deform some victims into hangmen who take revenge even on whole nations and become willing executors to dictators as unutterably appalling as Hitler and other cruel leaders.” Alice Miller
I witness these
psychological mechanisms being played out everywhere. This is one of the reasons most people stayed silent on the sidelines when I was the target of
psychological warfare at my job of nine and a half years, if I didn't understand these psychological mechanisms. I had taken it personally, which would have affected my mental health to the point that I would not be here today... Understanding these psychological dynamics can save your life -- you might lose money, but it will save your life, and you will stay free.
Repressed hatred cannot ever be resolved when it is directed at scapegoats. Hatred can only be resolved when it is understood and consciously felt within the context of our own childhood; otherwise, we will endlessly need scapegoats in our lives to temporarily and superficially alleviate childhood repression. It's amazing how smart people with a Ph.D. in front of their name or at the end of their name cannot make this fundamental connection. And remain stuck, lost in projections and transferences, their entire lives.
The words Alice Miller wrote in the article below are so true:
"...hatred can poison the organism, but only as long as it is unconscious and directed vicariously at substitute figures or scapegoats. When that happens, hatred cannot be resolved. Suppose, for example, that I hate a specific ethnic group but have never allowed myself to realize how my parents treated me when I was a child, how they left me crying for hours in my cot when I was a baby, how they never gave me so much as a loving glance. If that is the case, then I will suffer from a latent form of hatred that can pursue me throughout my whole life and cause all kinds of physical symptoms. But if I know what my parents did to me in their ignorance and have a conscious awareness of my indignation at their behavior, then I have no need to redirect my hatred at other persons. In the course of time, my hatred for my parents may weaken, or it may resolve itself temporarily, only to flare up again as a result of events in the present or new memories. But I know what this hatred is all about. Thanks to the feelings I have actively experienced, I now know myself well enough, AND I HAVE NO COMPULSION TO KILL OR HARM ANYONE BECAUSE OF MY FEELINGS OF HATRED. We frequently meet people who are grateful to their parents for the beatings they received when they were little, or who assert that they have long since forgotten the sexual molestation they suffered at their hands. They say that in prayer, they have forgiven their parents for their “sins.” But at the same time, they feel a compulsion to resort to physical violence in the upbringing of their children and/or to interfere with them sexually. Every pedophile openly displays his “love” of children and has no idea that deep down he is avenging himself for the things done to him as a child. Though he is not consciously aware of this hatred, he is still subject to its dictates.
Such LATENT hatred is indeed dangerous and difficult to resolve because it is not directed at the person who has caused it but at substitute figures. Cemented in different kinds of perversion, it can sustain itself for life and represents a serious threat, not only to the environment of the person harboring it, but also to that person him/herself.CONSCIOUS, REACTIVE hatred is different. Like any other feeling, this can recede and fade away once we have lived it through. If our parents have treated us badly, possibly even sadistically, and we are able to face up to the fact, then of course we will experience feelings of hatred. As I have said, such feelings may weaken or fade away altogether in the course of time, though this never happens from one day to the next. The full extent of the mistreatment inflicted upon a child cannot be dealt with all at once. Coming to terms with it is an extended process in which aspects of the mistreatment are allowed into our consciousness one after the other, thus rekindling the feeling of hatred. But in such cases, hatred is not dangerous. It is a logical consequence of what happened to us, a consequence only fully perceived by the adult, whereas the child was forced to tolerate it in silence for years. Alongside reactive hatred of the parents and latent hatred deflected onto scapegoats, there is also the justified hatred for a person tormenting us in the present, either physically or mentally, a person we are at the mercy of and either cannot free ourselves of, or at least believe that we cannot. As long as we are in such a state of dependency, or think we are, then hatred is the inevitable outcome.
“Inability to face up to the suffering undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature. But ultimately, the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting” by Alice Miller
I know her mother, who loves to play the hero or victim role, running back and forth from her family to their family of origin, complaining about being their victim. Done this all of her life. And each side always feels sorry for the little woman who is now in her 80s, who never took responsibility for her own actions and life choices. "By playing the victim and making the child responsible for her life and actions, the mother enmeshes the two identities. Assigning the child the role of rescuer—or encouraging him or her to take it on—also enmeshes and obliterates the healthy boundaries that should exist between the parent and child. This can remain a problem long into adulthood."
"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes a blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really a protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than thinking "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis." -- Alice Miller
People with extra money who have not achieved emotional liberation will find that money is their downfall. Being super-rich and super-poor are different ends of the same stick
To everyone, a day comes when we must ask ourselves: what's more important - our freedom and mental health, or the money?
The damage done to children who are unconsciously assigned the role of the hero is massive...
Children assigned the role of the hero are set up for failure...
"Domineering behavior includes ordering a partner around; monitoring time and activities; restricting resources (finances, telephone); restricting social activities; isolating a partner from their family or friends; interfering with opportunities (job, education, medical care); excessive jealousy and possessiveness; throwing objects; threatening to harm people, pets or property; and forcing or coercing a partner into illegal activity."- Beverly Engel
I'm on my own! You're on your own! We only have ourselves! The sooner you face this painful truth, the better! The freer you will become!
I'm so used to people getting mad at me for speaking my truth that it doesn't bother me anymore...
I have been away for 40 years, and I'm 8,595.506 kilometers away from them, yet I'm still being blamed for the dramas they create. Nothing has changed!
If you were assigned the role of scapegoat in childhood, they will never stop making you their scapegoat! The only way to protect yourself is to walk away and stay away.
I'm tired, and I'm getting too old to go along with people's crap and emotional blindness anymore, no matter who they are. I just want people to leave me alone.
Most people can't change because they can't bear to face the painful truths in their lives and feel the pain.
People become control freaks to avoid facing their fears of feeling their own painful truths. They fall into the illusion that if they get others to behave a certain way, then they will not have to face and feel their own painful truths.
She fell into her mother's trap! Her mother knows money is her big trigger and the hook that reins her in to play the part she wants her to play in her twisted drama.
Want to be free, don't engage, no matter what! And allow yourself the time to feel the pain and mourn the mother you wish you had and deserved, but never got
Have compassion for yourself and everyone else. After all, almost everyone has been a victim of their childhood.
Having compassion for ourselves and others doesn't mean we don't take steps to protect ourselves, from now on, from those still dangerously repressed...
In the end, we can only save ourselves, and if we manage to do that, it's a lot! We can provide others with life jackets, but it's up to them to use them.
My book A Dance to Freedom is a life jacket for anyone who wants to use it. It's my gift to the world.
We grew apart, and I'm really sorry we departed like this, but I have learned that relationships never end on a good note when malignant narcissists are involved.
It is what it is.
I hope you find your peace.
The longer you are in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, the harder it gets to leave, and the crazier and more dangerous it gets
Now I see how dangerous her level of repression is... and money is her trigger.
She and her mother believe they are superior and better, but they will face the same struggles as most people, and money will not save them.
This was an opportunity for her to resolve her childhood repression and be free, but instead, she chose to stay in her mother's emotional prison!
It's very sad when people miss out on opportunities to pursue their own emotional work--our most important work in life--and instead, they stay trapped using scapegoats...
I'm so happy I'm not in Portugal!!! I would be her number one scapegoat, and she would eat me alive!
I know she uses her mother's Facebook page to leak private conversations. She is a coward using the Facebook pages of old people to do her dirty work. She should be using her own Facebook page, but she wants to have her hands clean; this means she is conscious of what she is doing, which is wrong, making her pure evil. The devil she sees in her aunt and cousin is also in her; they are her mirror, and she doesn't like her own reflections, which is why she hates them so much! This was an opportunity to really heal or resolve the repressed emotions of the child she once was, triggered by present events, and free herself. Instead, she is letting herself be driven by the unresolved, repressed hatred and jealousy of the child she once was to satisfy her thirst for revenge. In the end, the person she hurts the most will be herself, and she is showing that she is no better than the people she accuses of wrongdoing and hates so much! The people she accuses of wrongdoing act out of necessity and desperation, but she has no such need. Two wrongs don't make it right. She is unhinged with no self-control and is now showing how dangerous her level of narcissism or repression really is. If she wants to help herself, I gave her the tools; it's up to her to use them. I'm free, and I'm staying free. And she can keep going down the path to self-destruction!
The mind is a fantastic thing, if given the courage, truth, time, and safe space -- it will heal itself -- if pathways have been permanently damaged by trauma -- it will create new pathways -- it might be longer routes, but it will get you to your destination.
Life is pure ecstasy when you are free from childhood repression.
When our excruciating repressed emotions are understood and consciously felt in the proper context, they start to subside, and this is how we free ourselves...
As long as people keep repressing their emotions with the aid of medication and distractions. They don't get resolved, and they remain stuck in an emotional prison.
When repressed emotions are triggered by present events, there are opportunities to resolve your childhood repression and be free. Don't waste your opportunities...
Once your childhood repression is resolved. No one can push your buttons ever again! Because you no longer have buttons to be pushed.
No one can awaken in us what does not exist within us (repressed)
It's real freedom that money can't buy. And this is why I was the target at my job of nine and a half years by a mob of sociopaths, malignant narcissists, assholes, or whatever you like to call them. They were jealous of me because they had so much money, but I was happier and freer than they were. So they wanted to steal my freedom and happiness. But once your mind is truly free, it can never be captured again! What I have cannot be bought with money and can't be stolen.
"Sylvie's place: Driven by Jealousy to Hurt Others."
Remember, your mother installed all of your buttons and knows exactly where to push to get a reaction out of you...
So, in order to heal, the person you need to separate from the most is your mother!
"KEY POINTS
The
covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-esteem in childhood.
Covert narcissists avoid the spotlight and prefer passive-aggressive means of controlling others due to their fear of being exposed and humiliated.
Tactics of a covert narcissist might include belittling, triangulation, and avoiding direct responsibility."
"Has an exaggerated sense of entitlement
Prefers to remain behind the scenes
Fixates on others’ problems and misfortunes
Like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist fails to develop emotional empathy, self-awareness, or a stable sense of identity and self-esteem in childhood. Both feel defective and cope with underlying insecurity and shame by repressing those feelings and adopting a grandiose persona, a delusion of superiority and entitlement that they constantly assert at the expense of those around them."
"52 Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist | Psychology Today Canada"
Now she uses her mother's Facebook page to satisfy her desire for revenge. Remember, the best revenge is living well.
Remember, taking revenge will humiliate you more than the people you are trying to humiliate. If you don't let go and walk away, you will be the one who looks bad.
Fake people have an image to maintain, real people just don't give a fxck
Narcissists are all the same: Idealize, devalue, and discard. When in the idealized phase, they mimic you to fool you into thinking they are like you. She mimicked me perfectly.
But now we know she is not like me! Her obsession with money brought to the surface her true colors.
All the time she spent with me was not to grow as a person, but to use me to gain insight and give her an advantage in the games people play.
Anything you get from a narcissist always comes with strings attached.
"MANY PROBLEMS APPEAR in a new light when we look to childhood as a source of possible explanations. We are living in an age in which democracies are gaining the upper hand over dictatorships. At the same time, the
cult-group phenomenon is an indication that there is a growth in the number of totalitarian systems to which people voluntarily submit themselves. People growing up in a spirit of liberty and tolerance, accepted in childhood for what they are, rather than being throttled and stunted by their upbringing, would hardly place themselves at the mercy of a cult group of their own accord. And if by chance or skillful manipulation, they did fall afoul of such an organization, they certainly would not stay there very long."
I see people connected all the time by fear, hatred, and by money, but seldom do I see people connected by love.
