This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel, and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and everything that happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse. These are facts. Violence is not genetic; it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Are you caught up in a narcissist's emotional abuse of others?
Anyone who remembers watching the Wizard of Oz as a child will probably remember how horrifying the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys were. These monkeys were sent by the witch to do her dirty work, and the phrase has since become synonymous with people who end up doing the dirty work of a narcissist.
Some of the reasons people become flying monkeys include:
Self-preservation and protection. Rosie’s motivation to become her brother’s flying monkey was understandable and was based on self-preservation. Like other people who do a narcissist’s dirty work for them, she didn’t pay much, if any, attention to the impact of her actions. Her need to look after herself was far greater than her need to protect anyone else. Forming an alliance with the person perceived as the strongest member of a family or organisation is one reason people adopt this role. Telling tales, spreading misinformation, and using gaslighting techniques against anyone who dares to question the narcissist might just mean you get to keep your job and don’t find yourself on the receiving end of narcissistic rage.
Rescuing the narcissistic "victim." If you tend to fall into a rescuing role, you may feel compelled to jump to the defence of the narcissist who blames everyone and everything for whatever is going wrong in their life. Sticking up for the narcissist meets your inbuilt need to feel valued and needed because of your rescuer role.
A loss of sense of self.Some flying monkeys are so browbeaten by the narcissist that they have far less capacity than otherwise might be expected when it comes to knowing right from wrong. They may have experienced years of emotional abuse at the hands of the narcissist and have lost a sense of self and independent decision-making along the way.
Loving the drama. Some flying monkeys really thrive on the drama. When you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll be involved in a few dramas along the way. What can beat the adrenaline of being caught up in lies, secrecy, and deception?
Being a narcissist. Flying monkeys often have strong narcissistic traits themselves, including a desire for attention, a lack of empathy, and a desire to bully and manipulate others. They may be involved in a family, work, or other situation in which they know that their best opportunity to fulfill their narcissistic desires comes from allying themselves with a more powerful narcissist.
If you have had your fill of being a flying monkey, the narcissist in your life is unlikely to be happy about it and, at the least, may not want anything to do with you once you cease to be of use. Being used by a narcissist to take care of some of the least desirable aspects of their business is always going to place you in a compromised, stressful environment and you should ensure that you have the appropriate support in place when you choose to change your role.
In order for someone to be a diagnosed narcissist, they must embody at least five of the nine recognized traits, based on the APA’s criteria (2013) and Mitra and Fluyau (2021):
They have a grandiose sense of self-worth and self-importance. They exaggerate their achievements or expect to be recognized as superior without any basis.
They are preoccupied or obsessed with success, power, beauty, love, etc.
They believe they are unique and can only be understood by specific people.
They require and demand a constant flow of admiration and attention;
They have a sense of entitlement without exerting any energy for such treatment, and they have an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with their demands, however baseless.
They cannot empathize with anyone, nor will they attempt to identify with or recognize another’s needs or wants.
They are arrogant, haughty, and regularly display these behaviors and attitudes. They will look down their nose at other people or project their shortcomings onto others.
They are envious of other people and/or believe other people are envious of them.
They are deeply manipulative and will stop at little to get what they want. This person will weaponize or exploit anyone—even children or animals—to achieve their own end result.
The answer is painful, but it is also liberating. Because in understanding their origins, we stop asking "What is wrong with me?" and start seeing the truth: This was never about you. It was about a wound that was inflicted long before you arrived.
Alice Miller, in her seminal work The Drama of the Gifted Child, describes this dynamic with heartbreaking precision. The malignant narcissist is a classic case of the "gifted child" who was never allowed to be a child at all.
The Gifted Child Who Never Got to Feel
These are children who learned early that their own feelings, needs, and authentic selves were unwelcome. To survive, they developed a masterpiece of psychological defense: repression, projection, and transference, perfected to an art form.
They learned to bury their own pain so deeply that they lost access to it entirely. They became, in effect, unfeeling robots—brilliant at reading the emotions of others because their survival depended on it, but utterly disconnected from their own inner world.
And then, as adults, they go into the world looking for what Miller calls "poison containers" or scapegoats. They seek out feeling people—people who still have access to their emotions—and they transfer their own repressed childhood pain into them. It is not personal. It is mechanical. They do it to temporarily and superficially feel better about themselves, to offload the unbearable weight they have carried since childhood.
This does not excuse their behavior. It explains it. And explanation is the first step toward protection.
The Trap for the Feeling Person
Here is the danger for those of us who survived our own childhood repression and managed to remain seeing, feeling human beings.
We can read every book about narcissism. We can recognize every tactic—the love bombing, the devaluation, the discard, the gaslighting, the breadcrumbing. We can have all the intellectual knowledge in the world.
But if we have not created a safe therapeutic space to resolve our own childhood repression, we remain vulnerable. Our own unprocessed pain acts as a blindfold. The repressed emotions of the child we once were will rise up in the presence of a narcissist, and we will find ourselves caught in their emotional traps before our conscious mind even registers what is happening.
The body remembers what the mind has tried to forget. And the narcissist, with their finely tuned radar for unhealed wounds, will find that vulnerability every time.
This is why healing is not optional. It is the only path to true protection and staying free.
Evil Reborn: The New Generation of Narcissism
This narcissistic game is being played everywhere. From the highest office of the land to every corner of the globe, the dynamics are the same: the hero, the victim, the villain. The search for poison containers or scapegoats. The desperate need to avoid accountability.
And here is the hard truth: Evil is born anew with every new generation.
But today, something has changed. The new generation of narcissism is not content with the old methods. It is becoming more sophisticated, more insidious, and with the aid of technology, more destructive than ever before.
Social media provides an endless buffet of supply. Digital communication allows for manipulation on a mass scale. Algorithms feed the outrage, the division, the us-versus-them mentality that narcissists thrive on. The game is the same, but the playground has expanded exponentially.
Breadcrumbing vs. Gaslighting: Two Tools, One Goal
In this digital age, two tactics have become particularly prevalent. They are often confused, but they serve different purposes in the narcissist's toolbox.
Dropping small, sporadic "crumbs" of attention—an occasional text, a like on social media, a vague promise—to keep you hooked without ever committing.
Systematically denying events, twisting facts, and telling you that you are "crazy," or "paranoid," until you doubt your own mind.
The Goal
To keep you on the hook for ego supply, a backup option who is always waiting.
To gain total power and control by becoming the arbiter of your reality.
The Behavior
Inconsistent, flaky, avoidant of depth or real connection.
Direct denial, blame-shifting, reality-twisting.
The Impact
Confusion, anxiety, insecurity, and wasted time waiting for something real.
Loss of confidence, isolation, dependence on the manipulator, and potential mental breakdown.
An honest person does neither. An honest person does not give crumbs to keep you hoping, and an honest person does not erase your truth and experiences.
Breadcrumbing manipulates your hope. Gaslighting manipulates your mind. Both are designed to keep you under control.
The narcissist, no matter how skilled, cannot operate alone. They require an audience. They require backup. They require enablers.
"There are people who sit on the sidelines and watch someone else being whipped. They could step in and demand that it stop. They have the power to do so. What do they do? Nothing. The narcissist depends on these weak-willed people. Abusing people isn't so much fun if it's only a party of two."
Enablers are not innocent. They are not neutral. They are active participants guided by self-interest. They choose not to help the target. They choose to look away.
And sometimes, they do more than just watch. They become flying monkeys.
The Flying Monkeys
The term comes from The Wizard of Oz—the Wicked Witch's minions who do her dirty work. In psychological terms, flying monkeys are people who act on behalf of the narcissist to abuse, manipulate, or harass the target.
How narcissists use them:
Smear Campaigns: Flying monkeys spread lies and misinformation to ruin the target's reputation, reinforcing the narcissist's victim narrative.
Gaslighting by Proxy: They tell the target, "You're overreacting," or "They're not so bad," reinforcing the narcissist's distorted reality.
Surveillance and Harassment: They spy on the target and report back, or directly engage in harassment, allowing the narcissist to maintain a "clean" image.
Isolation: By turning friends, family, or colleagues against the target, they complete the circle of isolation that Hirigoyen described.
Why do they do it?
Some are gullible and genuinely believe the narcissist's narrative. Others share similar narcissistic traits and enjoy the drama. But many are simply terrified. They have seen what happens to the target, and they will do anything to avoid becoming the next one.
"The abuser relies upon them not to back up the target. Before any attacks begin, a morally disordered person will carefully plan the battle. This can take months, or even longer, before direct hits are launched. Only if it's clear that there's an excellent chance of decimating a target does the warfare begin. If there's a solid support system, the abuser won't make a move."
This means the enablers are not just bystanders. They are the variables that can make or break the plan. The narcissist knows this. That is why so much effort goes into creating chaos and confusion—it makes it easier for enablers to rationalize their position. They may even begin to believe the target deserves what they are getting.
"The collective betrayal, which comes from the camp of these enablers, is even more devastating than the primary source of abuse."
This is the deepest wound. Targets watch as one by one, the people they thought were friends slink away as the battle intensifies. The isolation is not just physical; it is existential. It makes you question whether you were ever loved at all.
But here is what the target must remember: Their silence is not your shame.
Their choice to enable is about their own fear, their own self-interest, their own unhealed wounds. It is not a reflection of your worth.
What To Do
If you recognize yourself in this—whether as a target, or as someone who has witnessed abuse and stayed silent—there is a way forward.
For the target:
Set boundaries. Limit or cut off contact with anyone acting as an intermediary for the narcissist.
Use the Grey Rock Method. Be uninteresting, unresponsive, and emotionally neutral when engagement is unavoidable.
Do not engage in defending yourself. Flying monkeys are not looking for truth; they are looking for drama. Feeding it only prolongs the game.
Heal your own childhood wounds. This is the only lasting protection. Find a safe therapeutic space to resolve your own repression. The narcissist's radar cannot find what you have already healed.
For the enabler—if you are reading this and recognizing yourself:
It is not too late to choose differently. Silence is a choice. Looking away is a choice. You have the power to step in, to speak up, to refuse to be a tool of destruction. The question is whether you will use it.
The Only Victory
The narcissist's game is ancient, but it is not invincible. It relies on blindness—on your blindness to their tactics, and on their blindness to their own pain. When you choose to see, when you choose to heal, when you choose to refuse the roles they assign, the game collapses.
Not because they stop playing. But because you stop being a player.
You were never the villain of their story. You were never the victim either. You were the target who finally moved out of range.
If this post resonates with you, I invite you to explore the foundational work of Alice Miller and Marie-France Hirigoyen. Their insights have guided countless survivors out of the fog and into clarity.
That's why I get constantly targeted by them because the moment they know I see right through them I get a target on my back. They hate the existence of seeing and feeling people like me. I'm in a minority group that's for sure.
So true.
As the saying goes... when something is too good to be true it is because it's too good to be true!
These words by Alice Miller could not be truer: "...like every psychopath, not at all interested in understanding himself, only in controlling, misleading and manipulating others. ..."
Very true. They are very cheap! They hate spending their money.
Once they show you who they really are and that they are choosing darkness walk away and let them be to meet their own future and destiny.
Yes, I have the power to walk away and stay away. That's real power!
Yep! It's insane. We are the crop! Eventually, they will take everyone around them down with them
7 - Without Truth, there can be no Help
A great deal of understanding is shown for an unemployed father who beats his children. There is no problem understanding an overburdened executive who does the same thing, especially when he is irritated by his wife. The wife also meets with understanding when she can't help beating her child after the milk boils over. Page, 130
The Jungian doctrine of the shadow and the notion that evil is the reverse of good are aimed at denying the reality of evil. But evil is real. It is not innate but acquired, and it is never the reverse of good but rather its destroyer. Page, 142
Evil people Our knowledge cannot alter them. They can change only if they sense, not merely intellectually but with their feelings, how they have been turned into evil people. Only then will they be able to remove the blockages and, by experiencing the blocked pain, liberate the abused child who had to wish to harm anyone on coming into the world, the child who wanted love but found no one to make that possible for him. All he found was barbed wire and walls on all sides, and he believed this to be the world. When he grew up he built gigantic worlds full of walls and barbed wire, or complicated philosophical and psychological systems, in the hope and expectation of receiving love in return, the love he never received from his parents when he was an 'unworthy life. Page, 143 https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=banished+knowledge+
Yep! I see people connected all the time by fear, hatred, and money, but seldom do I see people connected by love.
Yes, malignant covert narcissists are the most dangerous.
Yep! Because they are too afraid to walk away and be alone to do their emotional work to resolve their own childhood repression, so they become like the people they grew up with and hated so much.
Yep! They can't survive on their own no matter how much money the narcissist has... They constantly need a scapegoat or a poison container for projection or transference effect to temporarily and superficially alleviate their unresolved childhood repression.
Very true!
Yep! I'm so glad there are no narcissists in my life right now, it's so peaceful. I don't make a good supply so they don't want me in their lives. If they had their wishes I would be in jail, mental hospital, or dead. They hate the existence of people like me. The existence of people like me ruins the wicked, evil manipulative games they play to exploit the emotionally blind people in this world.
No, it's not my job.
With my book and all my writings, I give people the map and keys to liberate themselves, if they ever find the courage to do their emotional work --- the most important work in a person's lifetime --- Andleave the emotional prison of their childhood, as the quote below says this journey is theirs to take.
It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths -- intelligence alone is not enough; but it rather helps create seductive rationalizations, theories, illusions, and lies to help us run from facing and feeling our own painful truths.
"You can't heal the people you love. You can't make choices for them. You can't rescue them.
You can promise that they won't journey alone. You can loan them your map. But this trip is theirs." Laura Jean Truman
Flying Monkeys, they suck. Walk away from the narcissist and his/her Flying Monkeys. Let them be to meet their own future and destiny.
Yep, they show us how they truly feel with their facial expressions and their disastrous reenactments -- it reveals the truth of their emotional state.
Yep, I have learned to cut my losses and walk away from these people who just want to stand on my head to give them an advantage in the games people play and feel superior to others.
True. They can't deal with reality and face their own painful truths. They gather kill and be killed than face their own painful truths. They are doing everything in their power to avoid facing the pain that they were born into this world without love. So they settled for the illusion of love. As children, this illusion helped us survive but as adults, this illusion will keep us endlessly stuck in the emotional prison of our childhood.
These words by Alice Miller are so true: “We cannot really love if we are forbidden to know our truth, the truth about our parents and caregivers as well as about ourselves. We can only try to behave as if we were loving, but this hypocritical behavior is the opposite of love. It is confusing and deceptive, and it produces much helpless rage in the deceived person. This rage must be repressed in the presence of the pretended “love,” especially if one is dependent, as a child is, on the person who is masquerading in this illusion of love.” Alice Miller (The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self) Page 23
In this Interview "The Feeling Child" with Alice Miller by Diane Connors for OMNI Publications International in March 1987 --- Dr. Alice Miller says:
"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than thinking, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.
I try to reach the child in the readers and allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, and images. In this way, I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.
In my first studies, I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.
If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat." Please read the full interview HERE.
Sylvie: Thank you! I thought about contacting the FBI, but I assumed they would ignore me and give me the runaround like everyone else. Again, thank you for sharing this hard evidence. Sylvie
My boss at Securitas treated me like a criminal, but here is hard evidence that he was the one who was the criminal!
I recently went through a similar experience again at my previous job, which lasted almost 8 years, and once again, I had to change jobs. It’s so crazy! My last boss worked with Kyle Wilson at Securitas in 2011 and 2012, and he, too, used to be in law enforcement -- he just like Kyle treated me like a criminal -- but we know who the actual criminals are -- hiding behind badges and titles -- he is just like Kyle -- a lying and deceitful man.
Actually, I think my last boss is even worse than Kyle Wilson and much more arrogant! He knew what had happened with Kyle Wilson, but he thought he was a much more talented sociopath and assured of himself that he would be the one to get me to self-destruct with his very well-orchestrated psychological warfare! Some sociopaths love a challenge! These people are predators, and I was their ultimate prey! Their grand prize! Many police officers are corrupt, and so are most security companies. We live in a very sad world.
This quote from the movie Spinning Man is so accurate: “Police don’t ask questions, they plant landmines.” That's my last boss, an ex-police officer. Every time he came around, he was trying to plant a landmine...
is when the narcissist gets other people to abuse you. That way, the narcissist gets to abuse you but indirectly through the flying monkeys who might reject you or make you feel not good enough.
Maybe they'll shame you or put you in a bad situation, maybe they'll extract information from you, or maybe they'll even tell you that you're crazy. Abuse by proxy allows the narcissist to look clean, appearing to not be involved, when really they've orchestrated it all."
All malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to play the victim card and make their real victims appear to be the abusers, but when their targets are able to see clearly the games they play and articulate the real situation of what is really taking place, the targets of the malignant narcissists cease to become victims.
"WHO IS TARGETED? Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …"
If it were me, the little woman to commit a crime, my name and face would have been splashed all over the news stations! And then all probably go on TV talking about how disturbed the little woman was -- to discredit me and my book-- and make a name for themselves by standing on my head.
And all probably say that you need God in your life. My ex-boss was a Mormon, a man of God, but he was the one to lose his mind, and now it's a big cover-up. I could see their games and traps so clearly.
I was their target to destroy, but when it was one of them to self-destruct, all became silent, and no one cared that these criminals with their projections and lies -- I lost my job and more than half of my income -- AND they could have destroyed my life completely.
There is no humanity! Most people are fake and pretenders -- acting as if personalities pretending to be good people -- but are wolves in sheep's clothing.
I'm done with humanity! Humanity is on the path to self-destruction, and with the aid of technology, it is going to happen much faster! And there is nothing I can do besides smiling and waving at those who pass by me, following false heroes and leaders, taking them to an abyss.
I will keep sharing my experiences and psychological discoveries with anyone who listens, but who wants to listen to someone who once made a living as a topless dancer and now as a gate attendant to upscale gated communities that in most people's eyes, are nobodies and could not possibly have anything of importance to tell anyone! So I just smile and wave! AND enjoy my newfound freedom. Sad for them, but happy for me!
My ex-boss had the perfect cover; he would rob banks and go take cover at Securitas, the Security company! Perfect cover! But on March 11, 2016, on my birthday, he chose the wrong day to rob banks, because he never made it to his cover at the Securitas office. My birthday was the wrong day to go out robbing banks!
T: I was doing research online about the bank robbery from 2016 involving KW and came across your blog. From what I can tell, there is no online information that publicly names KW as the culprit. Do you have anything official that names him as such? I only know specifics through acquaintances.
Hi there,
You will not find anything online that publicly names him because it's a big cover-up!
Everything I know is in my blog! You can make the connection that the day he robbed a bank and killed himself is the same as his obituary!
Don't you think it's a big coincidence?!
I'm sure if it were me, the little woman to commit a crime, my name and face would have been all over the news stations.
Call the FBI and the media, and ask them why they won't release his name to the general public?
I contacted the media many times, but I never heard back from them!
T: Yeah, I figured it was a long shot. I assume it’s not public info because he was a former cop. If it were released that he was a criminal, his previous arrests would likely need to be retried. Due to the headache that would cause, the FBI probably just kept that all sealed/quiet. Again, thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.
Hi there!
He was previously arrested?! Please tell me what you know about his previous arrests.
Sylvie
T: My bad. I must have worded my reply poorly. He was a cop before. Because he was caught robbing banks, I assume the FBI kept his identity a secret to prevent arrests made when he was a cop from needing to be retried. That’s my best guess as to why nobody can find info naming Kyle as the culprit.
Hello there,
Thanks for clarifying! You worded it just fine. I just read it wrong. That makes a lot of sense! I can imagine how many people he hurt with false reporting. He only hurt me financially and caused me to suffer for a while from PTSD The goal of their very well-orchestrated smear campaigns was to see me dead, in jail, or in a mental hospital.
My very last boss, who also worked with Kyle Wilson at Securitas, with his false reporting to HR, was also hoping I would react to his lies and mind games and drive me insane.
These monsters in power positions over others, destroying lives, need to be exposed everywhere. I wonder how many lives my last boss destroyed during his career as a police officer because he is a bigger monster than Kyle Wilson.
Society at large doesn't seem to care. As long as it doesn't affect them personally, no one cares.
"The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence. In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him." Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen, page 71
